It has not been a good day/week/month/year mentally. I have undergone many a issue. I have worked harder on finding out more about myself and what is going on. I have worked harder on myself and my illness. I have tried to make things change. I have pushed to have more control over my life.
And I feel back behind square one.
Square Zero.
I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of hurting every single day. I am tired of being a mess.
I decided to write what I feel and what goes through my head when I am having a bad day. I wanted to show what goes through my head and what my mind is telling me. I wanted to see on paper and hold my issues in my hand. Try and see the tangible evidence of my mind spiraling out of control. I only wrote for about a minute, but it was not pretty.
I AM SELF-CENTERED. I am an idiot. I am a horrid person. I am a failure. I bring everyone down around me. No one wants me. No one actually cares for me. No one wants to give me anything. No one wants to do something for me without wanting something in return. I always feel guilty, even when sitting and reading. I don’t take care of the kids. I don’t fulfill anyone’s hopes, dreams, desires. I am not attractive.
I am trying to sort through just went through my head what my mind tells me.
I know I am not a complete failure. (But you fail at so much)
I know I take care of my kids. (You don’t do enough)
I know people care for me. (They are just faking or feeling sorry for you out of pity)
I know my wife and kids love me. (They have to, they don’t have a choice)
I should not feel guilty about sitting and reading. (You are lazy for taking time for yourself and need to be helping others or cleaning or anything but what you want to do)
My mind is a battleground. I wanted share this with everyone. Not for pity or help. But to show that I suffer as well. I fight each day. I have people fighting with me. I am seeking new ideas and ways to help/sort/better myself.
You are not alone, dear reader.
Even holding the card in my hand, I see myself and almost want to take pity on me. I have to write things down to get them out of my head? Worthless. Even now I struggle to be free of my mind.
Even now I hug a pony.
My Stuffed Little Therapy 
Dear Daniel I don’t know you that well and I know you don’t know me. I cannot ignore a cry for help. In our family runs a deep cycle of depression and our family is very prone to self medicate …. drug alcohol etc. I want you to know your not alone and there are things you can do to break the cycle . Firstly it is necessary to get a good therapist who can actually guide you to healing and second medication. I’ve been on medication for several years and I get counseling. I feel better. My daughter suffers a worse depression and has been hospitalized several times since she was 13 yrs old. It is a long journey for her and her family is on that journey with her. My only other thought is for the past three decades I have had faith. I cannot explain why faith works or who is right about the right way to believe. I just know God is real and his goodness is where I want to be. Try listening to the audible book The Power of I Am. I don’t go for quick fixes but as a human being in a very unpredictable world I want to be reminded of the goodness in me and attract the goodness of God.
Please let me know if you need to talk or just want someone to listen.
Love Aunt Kappy
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Thank you for caring and your kind words. I have been on this journey for a while and it is always joyous when someone reaches out to share.
I have been put on medication for about a year or so now and it is helping (not perfect but helping). I have started a new devotional called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It has been very insightful.
As for you, I do know you a bit. You are Family and I don’t forget that. I need to call just to catch up and say hey. Send my love to Z and S.
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All I can say is that you’re not the only one who battles this. It took me a long time to learn how to turn the doubts and fears into something more constructive towards myself. However, the best way to counter, for me, was getting involved in roles that serve others.
Coupling this with actually holding candid and open conversations about my own self fears and doubts with a trusted person in my life has worked wonders in bringing rationality to the forefront.
I also started pushing myself to do things I felt were impossible, including jumping out of a plane. Because if I can jump from a (mostly) perfectly good airplane, what can’t I do?
It isn’t easy, no one ever said it would be, but if enough of us are open about these sorts of things and work together, we can absolutely change the way it grips our minds and holds us hostage.
If ever you need anything, don’t hesitate to drop a line.
~Anchor Point
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Very well said advice. I have always appreciated when people comment and respond. I will say I have gone and volunteered at service for my church and other areas. Even went to a preteen camp and jump off a perfectly good tower on a thin cable doing something called “Zip-lining” (crazy lol).
I thank you for your support and I am more than willing to trade grips and talk with anyone.
Thanks you for an awesome comment.
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