I cried today. It was not pretty. I had tears in my eyes and snot running out of my nose. I felt the build up to it most of the day. It was a wellspring of emotion that has been building for longer than I can remember. It took awhile to get to the surface and I found myself holding back. I did not want to cry and feel the liquids of sadness run down my face. I wanted to buck up and be a man. I wanted to hold it back and “be better”.
Not crying is not “being better.”
So much has happened in the last 5 years that has led to this build up:
My love was rejected and lost.
My children are gone most of the time from my life.
I have lived in 5 different places.
I have lost and gained employment.
My happily ever-after was trashed.
Life is stuck at home.
Death and sickness are all around.
People are tired, angry, fighting, politicized, and uncaring.
Kindness has left us and in its place is hate.
There is plenty of things to cry about.
Crying is freeing in part because it is your body making physical the emotions that are in your brain. It is not evil, as Gandalf would say. It is an outpouring of thoughts in a salty discharge. It hurts so bad inside and begs for release so it can be realized as a real, tangible thing. It is hard to hide crying. It forces you to deal with your current state of being. It breaks you down so you can eventually rebuild.
I look at the state of the world and I cry. I see so many people hurting others, so many others hating. Is there not enough pain in the world that we have to go out find more things to hurt others? Why has the love and peace been taken? There are plenty of things to cry about.
I invite those who need it to cry with me. I give no shame or evil to your need to cry. I join with you in a brotherhood of tears. If you need a sign that its ok to cry, this is it. Release some of the pain and suffering in your own life. Stop fighting the tears. It is ok to cry.
Wrapping this cry in a blanket and seeing that, once again, I must be strong tomorrow because it never stops coming, I look at anything and everything I do to make a difference. I help others and be kind. I say hello and open the door. I try with all my might to share that love and kindness I so desperately desire. We cannot find in the world what we do not give. I am not stopping what I do and how I can make a difference, no matter how small.
It has been a long 5 years…
I love each and every one of you. Thank you to those who were with me in my life, those that are here now and those that are not. I give you a rest stop to cry. It is ok. I will be here after.
#hugaplushie my friends