2023 – 1 post

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

Oh dear reader, I wish I could have met with you more this year. This year has been one of the toughest so far. The endless events and tribulations are just indescribable. I was not in a good place.

I have had to fight at my job, my house (landlord) and so many other areas of my life. I didn’t realize that it would take so much for people to just do the bare minimum of their jobs, requirements, or even just being decent humans. I have lost a lot of faith in humanity.

However, I have had a few positive things happen that are giving me inspiration to write. I did not want to write from a place of depression and disparity. Now that there has been an uptick for the positive, I wanted to let everyone know I am ok.

I still see people active and reading in the blog. I am truly humbled to have hit 10 years doing this. I felt terrible for stepping back but I needed it. A lot has happened and I am scared but excited to share it with you.

So I end this with hope. Hope that you, me and everyone else who enjoys life be blessed and be at peace. May you all be well.

#hugaplushie my friends.

Worked up from home.

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In this period of post-COVID and the struggles of the mental health/invisible illness community that has been given a spotlight to the world. The struggles of not being able to leave the house or the mental strain has been enlightening for many.  There is one area that surprises me that has garnered so little attention. The ability to work from home.

This lovely ability which so few of us even considered pre-pandemic is now such a staple to the workplace there has been active fights to go “back to normal”. Seeing articles like this where people and governments want more butts in seats at offices to ensure “work is being done” or to justify the multimillion dollar leases/buildings that they have spent money to obtain. The constant fighting and arguing about how working from home is hurting the economy and society (really?) is getting tiresome. This however is a ruse, in my opinion, and brings up a separate point. Being that we switched to working from home so fast and with such ease, it begs the question, why haven’t we done this sooner for those who CAN’T work in office or have disabilities working?

I have worked in office during the majority of the pandemic and find myself very fortunate to have worked in jobs that have been understanding of my illnesses (Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain Disorder, IBS) even before that. However, more recently, I have been put in a position of a new job and the ability to work partially (hybrid) from home. The difference has been amazing. On days were I have a severe flareup, I am able to use my heating pad and wear comfortable clothes. I can relax my body and not stress out over the constant people at my desk. I do not have to risk my lower immune system to any and every passing cold, flu, whatever a few times a week. It is quite lovely.

This comes back to the point at which asks, why did we not do this sooner? How long have businesses gone and said “we can never do remote work”? It took them less than a month to get an entire world the ability to work from home during lockdown. Now they want to go back because they want more control. They have never cared about the invisible illness community or those who are immunocompromised or people in general. Workplaces and companies have claimed inclusion but ignore so many people suffering when they themselves took advantage of the situation and got their employees working from home.

There has never been a more shining example of the blatant disregard to those who are struggling or suffering due to the fact they have an illness they cannot control. I have many friends who have a difficult financially who would love to take advantage of the ability to work from home. The technology is here, we have been shown it works. The workplace has adapted and changed forever, and in the best of ways. Don’t let them take back this opportunity.

I will say, not every job can work from home. I understand the industries and businesses that require in-person interaction. However, please tell me how data entry and answering phones cannot be done remote? Please tell me why you don’t want to be accommodating to those who can’t leave the house without risking their safety? This is an issue that needs to be answered. We have been ignored long enough.  

Stay safe my friends. Hug a plushie.

PS I have been informed that I have been here 8 years writing. It has been a pleasure sharing my story with you. May I be here for many more.

The Perfect Perfectionist

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Perfectionism is a curse. It gives us this inherent drive to be “practically perfect in every way” because anything else is failure. Why are we given this drive to be perfect? Why are we striving to be the best and never have anything wrong? As Someone with anxiety I can tell you it is worse than you realize.

With anxiety, perfectionism is a way of life. You are a complete control freak who has to know where each thing is placed. You have to know how a person is going to react and brace yourself for when that reaction is false (to you). When that unexpected bill comes or an accident happens, you world cracks so that you are unable to recover. You have to be perfect.

This perfectionism is a binding that makes it almost impossible to enjoy life. You wait for those brief, beautiful perfect moments that shine like diamonds, and accept that finally everything is in its place. However, these moments are far and few in-between and they almost immediately overshadowed by the fact that life is not perfect, things are not OK 100% of the time and you are still living in the real world. Forcing yourself to accept this is a monumental task.

Anxiety makes you question everything. You look around and think about every single reaction of people and things because you have to keep this world, your world, in check so it doesn’t overwhelm you. You fight day in and day out trying to maintain control. You cannot win and eventually, you will fail. Once this thought of failure sets in, you now enter a depressive state. You are now overcome with the thoughts of not being good enough, smart enough, clever enough for this world. You never realize that it is all a part of life.

When you have anxiety, and it is part of your life, you have a handicap that doesn’t seem like a handicap. You are to your job “attentive”, “detail oriented”, and a “great multitasker”. To your friends and loved ones you are “always thoughtful”, “caring about others”, “helpful” and “remember the little things”. However, to ourselves we are just a small step away from breaking down due to the plates we have spinning, and if we miss one and it crashes, the rest seem all the more likely to fall.

Anxiety is the fuel source for perfectionism. And like all fuel, eventually it will run out. Anxiety burnout happens to any with anxiety. Remember to forgive yourself, be patient with others, and look for the signs of being a perfectionist that could be effecting you and those around you.

As always, #hugaplushie my friends

Kindness wins

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 1 Comment

kind·ness /ˈkīn(d)nəs/

noun

the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

We have been through enough for a lifetime these last few years. Between rising tensions societally and politically, the rise of a global pandemic, and once again the decline of the global economy, I dare say we have had a rough time of it. Tempers are flared, nerves are raw, leading us all to have less compassion in these difficult times. In all of these times, I am struck by one fundamental thing;  some people have been able to still be kind.

I have written largely on the opioid crisis, mental health awareness, and further the invisible disability community. I have also talked about what it takes to make a difference in those areas of life and the good change that it can bring overall. Now I speak to everyone.

I included the definition of the word because I feel compelled to point out a large part of the meaning of the word is lacking. Kindness comes from the heart, a desire to do an act or pledge to another person without the need or want of a return action. True kindness is given freely and without remorse or desire to have anything in return. It is amazing to me the amount of kindness lacking in today’s world.

Throughout my time in retail and even now in this pandemic, I have seen time and time again the causes of action that people bring to others to hurt someone. Harsh words and attacking someone for having a different belief in anything, because it is strange, or because I am having a bad day so you must suffer also. This points to a fundamental fact, we as a people are broken. Every one of us is flawed. I ran across a meme that summarized this well:

We all have been through trauma. This pandemic and those who have suffered greatly have seen what others experience for their entire lives. Not leaving the house, bed ridden, cut off from those around them. I have had more than one conversation with someone who told me they finally understood some of what I and others live through. It is horrible, but in this horror there is a way to break the hurt.

Kindness.

I have fought long and hard in showing kindness. I have been told many times it is a weakness that allows people to take advantage of you. I have heard it serves no purpose. Some even say it has no place in the cold, cruel world and it should be forgotten. No, I say. This is a redemption act. This allows the cycle of pain and suffering to end. It shows that while the world is harsh, you are standing up and saying “stop”.

This world needs kindness to recover. To quote one of my favorite books:

“I have found that it is the small everyday deed of ordinary folks that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.” ~ Gandalf (J. R. R. Tolkein ~ The Hobbit)”

#hugs to you all.

PS I dedicate this to my great grandmother who taught me about the kindness and gentleness that is missing in this world. Love you forever.

Ode to a Life Now Gone

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Gone forever, my life of dreams
behind the bend forgotten
seeing all these memories
that have since turned rotten

Echoing inside my head
My happiness now lost
this empty chamber, hollow now
remembering the cost

Of feelings and empty loneliness
gathering in me still
crashing waves of hopelessness
attack, intent to kill

My mind is shut and signs are out
Don’t open, dead inside
Is normal a possibility?
Or just some foolish pride

Down I go, into the black
drowning forevermore
My heart is stopped, joy all gone
This life now falling to the floor

Hope will fade and shadows call
In this world of night
Darkness has consumed me
My life was never right

The Hourglass of Time

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Life has just now started to resemble normal. People are venturing out and there are crowds again. Vaccines have come and are being distributed, I myself have gotten both of mine. Fear remains and life continues. In the past year, much self-reflecting has been had and I have had ample time to do it.

As another birthday past last month, I am in constant reminder of how much time has passed for me personally and how much time there is still left to go in this life. I struggle each and every day with my mental thoughts, my hopes and dreams quite diminished. Loneliness does not suit me well and this past year has been one of the loneliest of my life.

I do love my dear friends and family who are active in my life and do quite well at keeping my social graces going. My daughters continue to grow and blossom into beautiful, smart, passionate young women whom I love dearly. They continue to be my world and my saving grace. I would not be here without them.

I still find the emptiness in my heart of love lost and the almost desperate need to fill it. It is a constant battle of not caring but wanting that life with someone. I have been able to understand and even enjoy the moments I get alone. But, man was not meant to be alone as it is written. Companionship is still something we humans crave and need.

Wounds that have healed, lessons learned, and even more personal growth than I thought possible for me personally, have shown me there is more to this life than just fighting each day to survive another. I continue to write and log my journey, hoping, wishing that it can help others or at the very least entertain them. I am not sure if that will continue as I am not sure my words or even my actions have any effect on the world at all. I have done my very best to show kindness to all. I do not believe it is a weakness as I have been told in the past and I want to continue to prove that. I feel at times that I have joined the ranks of Don Quixote.

It amazes me that people are not more receptive to kindness or even are willing to hold open a door for one another. I have strived to make a difference in this world and I still feel that I have failed, though I am assured that I do make a difference and people see it. I just had hoped to see that kindness returned to me.

Even as I write that I cringe because it seems that I forgo the people who have fought for me and strived to be my friend. I just wish life would not be so hard sometimes. It seems that the difficulty has been increased in light of the past few years personally. I guess I leveled up.

As I continue to hold to faith I did not know I had, dear reader, I do hope that I have inspired you and shown that even in the darkest times people can persevere. I hope my story brings hope, joy, and maybe the slightest bit of kindness to this dark world. I look forward to the time when I write this blog from a standpoint of more joy. I wish to help and bring happiness to more people. It is what I have strived to do my entire life.

#hugapony my friends.

Be good.

Its OK to cry.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 2 Comments

I cried today. It was not pretty. I had tears in my eyes and snot running out of my nose. I felt the build up to it most of the day. It was a wellspring of emotion that has been building for longer than I can remember. It took awhile to get to the surface and I found myself holding back. I did not want to cry and feel the liquids of sadness run down my face. I wanted to buck up and be a man. I wanted to hold it back and “be better”.

Not crying is not “being better.”

So much has happened in the last 5 years that has led to this build up:

My love was rejected and lost.

My children are gone most of the time from my life.

I have lived in 5 different places.

I have lost and gained employment.

My happily ever-after was trashed.

Life is stuck at home.

Death and sickness are all around.

People are tired, angry, fighting, politicized, and uncaring.

Kindness has left us and in its place is hate.

There is plenty of things to cry about.

Crying is freeing in part because it is your body making physical the emotions that are in your brain. It is not evil, as Gandalf would say. It is an outpouring of thoughts in a salty discharge. It hurts so bad inside and begs for release so it can be realized as a real, tangible thing. It is hard to hide crying. It forces you to deal with your current state of being. It breaks you down so you can eventually rebuild.

I look at the state of the world and I cry. I see so many people hurting others, so many others hating. Is there not enough pain in the world that we have to go out find more things to hurt others? Why has the love and peace been taken? There are plenty of things to cry about.

I invite those who need it to cry with me. I give no shame or evil to your need to cry. I join with you in a brotherhood of tears. If you need a sign that its ok to cry, this is it. Release some of the pain and suffering in your own life. Stop fighting the tears. It is ok to cry.

Wrapping this cry in a blanket and seeing that, once again, I must be strong tomorrow because it never stops coming, I look at anything and everything I do to make a difference. I help others and be kind. I say hello and open the door. I try with all my might to share that love and kindness I so desperately desire. We cannot find in the world what we do not give. I am not stopping what I do and how I can make a difference, no matter how small.

It has been a long 5 years…

I love each and every one of you. Thank you to those who were with me in my life, those that are here now and those that are not. I give you a rest stop to cry. It is ok. I will be here after.

#hugaplushie my friends

The Shattering Glass

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“Reputation, like glass, once broken, can never be repaired.”

Life is currently in the most tense state of mind that I have ever known. I have seen friends, family, and coworkers all tear one another apart and shred any hope of repairing a relationship. Rally calls for change, fights to keep everything the same, and everything in between is part of each daily life. I look at what I personally have been through the past several years. I look at divorce, a multitude medical issues, bills, restarting my life, being a father and I know in my heart that I have been through fire and worse. I am proud to have kept my commitment, as much as I could, to remain as kind as I can be to everyone.

One of the key elements of what I have seen is the pulling out of someone’s past as an example of who a person “Truly” is, usually at their worst. These cherry-picked moments to reveal the nature of someone from a time 5, 10, or more years ago that undeniable show that someone is terrible. Holding these as truth and never letting them die, these are the actions of people unwilling to accept that someone can change. These are actions that embolden others to not accept change or the will to ignore the same.

Is it like glass, never again to be repaired as it once was?

I look at my past and the stupid actions that I have taken. I have written regarding my anxiety and how it is a highlight of your worse moments that you relive almost daily. I see the changes I have made, the self-reflection that show my flaws, the actions taken to change those flaws, and to be a better person. If all of my actions are considered null and void, and they are broken glass, what does it matter if I attempt to make the change? Because, the change is not for others.

Its to change who you are for the better.

It is a fundamental ideal to strive for when making self changes. These actions are not for the sake of others, it is to change you. To make a better you in this life. The affects of those changes to those around you are a byproduct, a secondary response. The change needs to be in you, for you.

And sometimes that means working with broken glass.

When we see a mirror or window, that perfect sheet that is crisp and clean, we see it for what it is, unbroken. However, life does not allow for you not to be broken. You will go through hard times, troubles, and very bad days. With each crack, a piece of you falls off. It chips away at you until you have just a pile. That is when you can start to make a masterpiece. An unbroken plane of glass, like the white page, is just a beginning.

We can look at examples of beautiful mosaics and stained glass windows in cathedrals. These are examples of what can be done with time, patience, and effort with these same broken pieces. exquisite works of art that are not made by the perfect sheet, but by the pieces that came from them. Sometimes we have to be broken to be remade into something better and more beautiful.

Sometimes, we can change.

My two points in this post are;

Outside: What are you doing to be kind to others and allowing them to change, pick up the pieces, and be better? Are you not allow people to change and just throwing stones in glass houses? Are you helping others to move along with their reclamation project of making their mosaic? Or are you just looking at the shattered glass in disgust?

Inside: What are you doing to improve yourself? How are you fitting the pieces together to be beautiful? Are you seeing the stones thrown at your stained glass window, seeing the pieces fall and give up? Is it not easier to fix the few pieces that have fallen instead of the whole sheet of glass? Do you need help and are too scared or ashamed to ask?

I ask each and every one of you to do something kind for someone today. Help someone build themselves, maybe accept that someone can change for the better. Do some good, be the good in this world.

#hugapony my friends

-Sleeping-

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Hide hide, eyes behind, the lids of ever night

Drifting in the sea of peace, away from any fright

Sleep sleep, so tenderly, away from all my tears

Sleep sleep, so sweetly here, beyond man’s petty fears

Away away, to peaceful land of joy evermore

Joyous just to stay right here, resting to my core

Hide hide from the night, in blankets warm and snug

Away away from the day, and this hole I have dug

Safe safe from troubles here, beyond the devil’s reach

Rest Rest for you and me, protected from any breach

Mellow Mellow my soul, so dear, against life’s horrid quake

Stay stay against the chance, that you might ever wake

No no, you slowly slip, from this gentle grace

Goodbye goodbye, you fall away, to the world now you face

“The building was on fire and it wasn’t my fault,” (Harry Dresden – Blood Rites, by Jim Butcher). It is a fitting view of the world today. Seeing horrific news and the spread of a virus can feel quite overwhelming. Seeing the stock market crash, then rebound, the to be told we are headed for a deep recession/depression coupled with the loss of hundreds of thousands of jobs makes for a hard time to live in your own head. And living in your own head has become the normal with current stay-at-home orders limiting your social interaction. It is quite overwhelming for anyone and my hearts go out to you all.

As we slowly open up businesses in the current state of affairs that plague our planet, I find myself seeing more and more people reacting harshly to one another. We have people being shot over not wearing a mask. We have businesses being threatened to open so they may serve others. I read about the shops that do open and have new standards in place to protect their employees and customers  only to be told by customers that the rules are not wanted and berate employees into quitting. I am saddened that the time in our own homes has lead to rash actions and violence.

When this pandemic started, we saw a world take care of each for a small moment. We wept and helped our neighbors. We reached out to encourage one another. Has this time inside lead to a more difficult time? With people going outside, have we so quickly forgotten that everyone else is in the same place? Will this be how the pandemic be remembered by, not the neighbor helping neighbor, but by the actions after the fact showing people’s truer nature?

I worry what this means to everyone.

I am reminded of the times I spent in retail. Peoples actions screams volumes. How people respond to hard times shows us more than we care to admit. I saw a Tumblr post that I had not seen in a while and I think it sums up the aftermath of the quarantine.

When people suffer, how do they respond? Do they grow and get better? Will they try and keep the peace? Or will they lash out and yell because they have been miserable. Will they show anger? Will they yell at others who are trying to remain safe because seeing a mask reminds them they are not? How callous can you be to scream at others for trying to protect themselves (and you) because you don’t like to see something that not only helps you and others, but you berate them into submitting to your will.

Watch peoples reactions coming out of this pandemic. It is very telling of the person you are dealing with at this moment. May you all be safe, Thank you to front line workers, doctors and nurses, and all others taking steps to keep everyone safe.

#hugaplushie my friends

I have been away from writing for a while and I just want to say I missed you all. I am trying my best to continue in the personal changes in my life and I have had to step away from writing in the interim to focus on myself. I hope this post finds you well, dear reader, and that you have a wonderful day. 

Post Apocalypse Meltdown

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