Depression

2023 – 1 post

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

Oh dear reader, I wish I could have met with you more this year. This year has been one of the toughest so far. The endless events and tribulations are just indescribable. I was not in a good place.

I have had to fight at my job, my house (landlord) and so many other areas of my life. I didn’t realize that it would take so much for people to just do the bare minimum of their jobs, requirements, or even just being decent humans. I have lost a lot of faith in humanity.

However, I have had a few positive things happen that are giving me inspiration to write. I did not want to write from a place of depression and disparity. Now that there has been an uptick for the positive, I wanted to let everyone know I am ok.

I still see people active and reading in the blog. I am truly humbled to have hit 10 years doing this. I felt terrible for stepping back but I needed it. A lot has happened and I am scared but excited to share it with you.

So I end this with hope. Hope that you, me and everyone else who enjoys life be blessed and be at peace. May you all be well.

#hugaplushie my friends.

Ode to a Life Now Gone

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

Gone forever, my life of dreams
behind the bend forgotten
seeing all these memories
that have since turned rotten

Echoing inside my head
My happiness now lost
this empty chamber, hollow now
remembering the cost

Of feelings and empty loneliness
gathering in me still
crashing waves of hopelessness
attack, intent to kill

My mind is shut and signs are out
Don’t open, dead inside
Is normal a possibility?
Or just some foolish pride

Down I go, into the black
drowning forevermore
My heart is stopped, joy all gone
This life now falling to the floor

Hope will fade and shadows call
In this world of night
Darkness has consumed me
My life was never right

Post Apocalypse Meltdown

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

“The building was on fire and it wasn’t my fault,” (Harry Dresden – Blood Rites, by Jim Butcher). It is a fitting view of the world today. Seeing horrific news and the spread of a virus can feel quite overwhelming. Seeing the stock market crash, then rebound, the to be told we are headed for a deep recession/depression coupled with the loss of hundreds of thousands of jobs makes for a hard time to live in your own head. And living in your own head has become the normal with current stay-at-home orders limiting your social interaction. It is quite overwhelming for anyone and my hearts go out to you all.

As we slowly open up businesses in the current state of affairs that plague our planet, I find myself seeing more and more people reacting harshly to one another. We have people being shot over not wearing a mask. We have businesses being threatened to open so they may serve others. I read about the shops that do open and have new standards in place to protect their employees and customers  only to be told by customers that the rules are not wanted and berate employees into quitting. I am saddened that the time in our own homes has lead to rash actions and violence.

When this pandemic started, we saw a world take care of each for a small moment. We wept and helped our neighbors. We reached out to encourage one another. Has this time inside lead to a more difficult time? With people going outside, have we so quickly forgotten that everyone else is in the same place? Will this be how the pandemic be remembered by, not the neighbor helping neighbor, but by the actions after the fact showing people’s truer nature?

I worry what this means to everyone.

I am reminded of the times I spent in retail. Peoples actions screams volumes. How people respond to hard times shows us more than we care to admit. I saw a Tumblr post that I had not seen in a while and I think it sums up the aftermath of the quarantine.

When people suffer, how do they respond? Do they grow and get better? Will they try and keep the peace? Or will they lash out and yell because they have been miserable. Will they show anger? Will they yell at others who are trying to remain safe because seeing a mask reminds them they are not? How callous can you be to scream at others for trying to protect themselves (and you) because you don’t like to see something that not only helps you and others, but you berate them into submitting to your will.

Watch peoples reactions coming out of this pandemic. It is very telling of the person you are dealing with at this moment. May you all be safe, Thank you to front line workers, doctors and nurses, and all others taking steps to keep everyone safe.

#hugaplushie my friends

I have been away from writing for a while and I just want to say I missed you all. I am trying my best to continue in the personal changes in my life and I have had to step away from writing in the interim to focus on myself. I hope this post finds you well, dear reader, and that you have a wonderful day. 

Crying for help.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 2 Comments

In the wake of the national tragedies that have been sweeping the nation these past days, the subject of mental health has come back to the surface. These terrible acts are committed by cowards, as we are told about how they cried out for help but were denied. They were shown the door too many times and the mental health professionals were unable to treat them. We collectively are at fault for not understanding.

I am tired of it.

Why is it the debate only comes up in a tragedy? Why is it that we are unable to show the care and affection that is needed in the moment and not after the fact? How can there be this much failure from so many people? Is it because we are not listening in the moments that matter? Are we not judging so many people that try and get help? I have seen too many people bullied for seeking the help that they need and it is not even second guessed. We have failed as a society twice.

First, we deny or attack those who need our help. Would you slap a child’s hand away from the railing as it struggled to stand up? Would you deny a diabetic who needs their insulin? Would you attack the person missing the leg that they don’t need the crutch and just need to suck it up and learn how to walk like the rest of us? How terrible it is that we do this to those who need help in their darkest times. When we tell the mom who needs an antidepressant, because she can’t understand why she can’t be happy with 2 kids, that she is failing as a mom. We look at the teen who cannot concentrate, because the neurons in the brain are firing too much, that he just is a lazy child who will be worthless. When someone needs therapy, the whole room gasps in shock and horror. Everyone whispers to themselves in secret at how horrible that person must be. The is the social normalcy we have created. We do not accept our failure as a society that has created this innate fear of speaking up that you need help.

Second, we blindly deny judgment that we could have done something to help them. We blame anything else, objects, movies, video games, technology, generational gaps, lack of family structure.  Has perfectionism reach this highest level that if you don’t get the perfect SAT score, ace that university exam, get the best paying job, it is just not worth living this life, or even I need to bring everything else down because that is all I have left. Anything less than perfection is not accepted. We blame politics and groups of people and everything else. The first part about fixing a problem is admitting we have a problem. However, everyone needs to admit that we are all at fault. Instead we are stuck shifting the blames from one another in an attempt to make ourselves not feel guilty.

Too much hurt has been caused in this environment that we live in. Accountability is at an all time low. Yours, mine, everyone. We need to make a change. Sometimes it can be a small act of kindness. Maybe you turn the other cheek and not say that snarky comeback. What are you doing to break the chain?

#hugapony my friends

Tumbling through the Fog

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 3 Comments

There has been an amazing amount of activities going in in my brain lately.  Few things fascinate me as much as the human brain does. It regulates the body and all the functions. It makes sure to self protect from danger. It creates entire worlds in an imagination. It runs 24 hours a day, everyday for our entire lives. The brain is truly an incredible thing. But, as much as we don’t want to believe as a society, it can be sick.

Its easy to spot the sick brain when it has cancer, the skull is cracked, or if there is a hemorrhage. These are readily identified and show the causes as such. Treatments are fairly known and while it is terrible when these things happen, it is clear what is the problem When it comes to mental health, it becomes much more murky.

The few tests done are for chemical imbalances. It shows the nutrients and lacking minerals in the body, blood sugars, and toxin screenings. The next one goes through the history of your mental health, changes shown, what is being down to help. We are listed as a Risk/Non-risk to ourselves and we are shuffled on to the next set of testing.

This endless cycle of not knowing, being criticized by friends, family, and even the doctors themselves. It becomes almost unbearable. Going day in and day out fighting your own brain and having to argue with yourself that you do matter, and that there is something wrong with you. You have to convince yourself that, Yes you are sick and you need help. This constant wear strains the already weary brain.

Now we add in a physical illness. Lyme disease, fibromyalgia, or Crohn’s decease. Illnesses that are not an immediate threat but cause all kinds of havoc in the daily lives of sufferers. Lack of sleep, fighting pain and nerve medications, and the conditions themselves slowing and sometimes stopping us in our tracks. I have used over half my vacation time for sick time this last year. It wears through you at a steady rate and shows the problems that are evident in your body.

All these things make up for a depressive episode. Times when reason and rational go out the window and show that even when you are intelligent and even aware of all the answers and conditions, you still stumble and cannot make your brain see that it is wrong. You spiral down the drain and you argue with yourself 10 times over more than you usually do in an attempt to find peace. It is this peace that you seek. A peace that is the calm center in this hurricane.

It takes every bit of effort and help to find it.

And, like a hurricane, when you find this peace in the eye of the storm, you brace for the back half of the storm. You see the storm clouds, you feel the winds and you cringe as you know how much it is going to hurt. This is were I am at today. I have been through the wringer and am just trying to catch my breath. I feel the second half about to hit.

I am extremely grateful for those kind people who have helped me through this time. My life has been in pure turmoil for the last year. I have struggled and fought for each and every inch I have gained in my life. I have been finding my way through this fog and have done well from the outside. Inside, I am not sure if I have done enough to recover/

I will continue to fight and write and tell my store of how I feel and what it is like for you to read. I will continue to fight my brain and try to find the peace in my head to be able to relax. I hope, pray, and beg that I will be taken seriously. I will continue to buy and give away stuffed animals and plushies to help others and myself.

#hugaplushie my friends

Depression vs One good day

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

Depression is a constant thing. It wraps around you like a cloak. It is an unwanted house guest that you cant get to leave. You are made constantly aware of it when you wake up in the morning and you never forget it when you lay down for the evening. It is not something that is gotten rid of because of a mood change.

Most people are surprised at finding out people that we thought were the happiest are actually depressed. Seeing people who are smiling the most or acting the happiest who suddenly have an episode shocks and scares people. One of the many problems facing people who are suffering from depression is the lack of recognition of the signs. Having someone who has to help everyone else through the hardest times because they know how hard it is to be going through.

Being depressed is not mood or attitude, it is a condition. Telling someone to be happy or to do something fun will not help the person in the long run. “Living life for you!” or any of the thousand pick me ups that can be said will not change the underlying issue that could be causing this bout of depression.

However, people who have depression can have good moments, days and even longer periods of time. It is odd or hard to see someone who goes through awful times and then manages to find happiness in a book they haven’t read in years. They can go to beach and have a wonderful day with many pleasant memories. They are allowed good days.

The ridicule from those good days often makes things worse.

In being told that we are not really depressed if we can have a good day illegitimatizes what is being experienced. This false narrative that we do not know what is happening in our own bodies and mind, teaches us that we do not know what we should feel and furthermore makes us fulled with guilt from being allowed a good day. Only imagine, after having found the energy to go and experience something happy and fun to be told we should never have felt bad in the first place and if we really were depressed, we should feel guilty about making others feel bad.

We wonder why we have a mental health crisis in today’s world.

You can be depressed and go to Disney world. You can have depression and enjoy food or movies. That doesn’t cure it but we are allowed to be happy. Helping people understand that instant cures do not exist and that just because we are smiling doesn’t mean we are not still hurting. Having a happy moment doesn’t stop the chemical imbalance that is present in our bodies and minds. Laughing with a puppy does not cure the years of mental and physical abuse that has been done to someone. Please stop judging people on one good day.

Holiday happiness fighting

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

One thing I have noticed during the holidays this year is the treatment of people and employees. Having a chronic illness has made me very aware of people and the feelings they give off. I can sense more of when a person is having a bad day or the tension in the room. I always try and make mention of asking how someone is doing or listening and responding to people.

Every time I go into the gas station or grocery store, I greet the clerk and ask how they are doing. I try and hold a small brief conversation with them. The smiles I and nods I get are overwhelming. Just by the simple act of talking to them has made a difference in my life not to mention what happens after I leave.

I try and hold open the door or elevator for people behind me. Simple things that people get amazed over. The surprised look on people’s faces are shocking. I have even had a few ask why I would hold open the door for longer than two seconds. These very simple acts are so easy to do but it seems that more and more people are abandoning these acts of service.

I find this also translates into modern society in the fact that we have lost the art of finding the good in people. In this day and age of politics that seem to be dividing everyone, I have seen more people abandon being nice and courteous to one another in favor of treating people like a punching bag. I truly believe this stems from the lack of trying to find the good in people.

Finding the good in people can be difficult. I can hear the arguments in my head of why I should not try or bother to find it. “People are just to evil” or “You can’t fix the world” echo in my head but in honesty, I am not trying to change the world. I am just trying to change the world around me. If I surround myself with positive reinforcement, does that not change my own world?

In doing this, what else would change? By just trying to find a positive chord in a person, you are changing the way your brain thinks. Instead of going into a conversation with an attitude of “I don’t like ‘this’ about a person”, you remember they are a good parent, they take care of their elderly neighbor, or they stop and pet each animal they find. You start looking for the good things in this world. You try and find commonality with a person. What would change in this world if more people did it?

Don’t go out and change the world. Start small and change yourself and let that change your world.

#hugaplushie my friends

The little things.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 3 Comments

One of the hardest issues facing someone with a chronic illness is facing what you cannot do anymore. There is a mourning and grieving process that so many of us face. You go through the Five Stages of Grief.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance all rush through you as you mourn the lose of some dear to you. Yourself.

It has taken away my ability to be Jason Bourne. All the action/super hero movies that I watch, I no longer look at and say to myself “I could do that.” I look at trampoline parks that my daughters want to go to for a party and cringe. I feel my body ache prematurely as my wife wants to do a marathon. You dread looking at yard work because you know you will be down for days and not be able to do anything.

Denial sets in when you see life starting to pass you by. You tell yourself to suck it up and do things. You believe what others tell you that you don’t look sick. You listen to what people say when they shout “Why can’t you just be normal.” You push and push to be normal and this makes your condition worse.

Anger sets in because you cannot keep up. You lash out at others who are frustrated with you at not being the person they remember. You scream in your mind that you should be normal and why is this happening to you. The anger rolls off of you in waves, pushing those who try to help you away.

Bargaining comes when you see people walking away who used to be close to you. You start to plead with people to stay. You cling to those last few people so hard it crushes them. You try to keep up and make deals. You try every supplement, exercise, and diet known to man in an effort to make things better. You bargain with yourself that it can’t get worse, but it does.

Depression sets in hard. You see no way out. In the deep hole you have dug, you see what you believe to be your only options. You find yourself trapped and weighed down by your illness. Loneliness, regret, and suffering. You see the bottle, pills or worse as your only way out. You thought at the beginning of all this it would never be this bad. In the general population, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people ages 15-24.

If you are at this stage, please reach out.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

 
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Acceptance is the hardest to achieve. You have to fight your body, your mind, doubters, and all the other stages to get here. You have to accept that you cannot do what you could before. You have to grieve the loss of your old self. It can feel a very hollow victory when you still have a life chronic illness ahead of you. I look at these stages and milestones at how far I have personally fought to get over. You have to accept what you are now and that is OK. It is OK that you are sick.

I may never be Jason Bourne, but he is not real. I am. And I am still here.

#hugapony my friends

Gathering happiness

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

A HUGE shoutout to two of my Patreons for helping support me, Charles and Ed! Thank you for supporting me and making this possible! You two are truly amazing people! If you had not checked it out, Check out my Patreon page for early blog posts and more!  Patreon-My Stuffed Little Therapy

I had a recent social media post that was quite touching. I has been a rough time with pain lately and I was needing a boost. I posted a simple question.31281389_10215970592927716_4009656226335121420_n.jpg

This sparked a wonderfully long post with friends and family commenting from all over. I was flooded with memories from childhood, college, present day, all warm fuzzy feelings.

It was fantastic.

As some who has suffered from depression in the past and who continues to struggle with anxiety even now, it was an amazing feeling. The self worth went through the roof. Seeing people post, some I had not talked to in years, was amazing. The love and care that was shared was immeasurable. This got me thinking of what this could do for people who are struggling? I know I pull up the post and have read it a few times since. Seeing the kind, wonderful words brings back the same self-worth growth and warms me inside.

I have seen a lot of suicides in the news lately. A lot of people who are depressed and decide that ending the pain and personal suffering is the best choice. Having been at that end twice now, I know what runs through someones mind. You don’t look upon yourself as a person. You are a burden. You don’t see what other actually think about you. You see a drag on all your friends and family. Your brain tells you that you are not and will not be good enough for anyone.

We need to break that cycle of self doubt.

I challenge you to post this to your social media. Make the post and see what happens. Save the answers you get. Use it as another weapon to fight back the hard times. See what others took the time out of their day to say to you. Smile in the memories shared but not only you but others. Have a written document were people see the value in you. Have yet another tool, like stuffed therapy, to fight back. Even if it is against your own mind.

I will do my best to comment my memory as well.

#hugapony everyone.

Pleasant Company.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

Over the past few weeks I have been introduced to many people who suffer from chronic illnesses and disabilities. Some online through blog posts, some through video games, and others in real life. I have gotten to talk and help quite a few people who are suffering. I have seen people in so much worse situations and see them powering through with a strength that makes me ashamed of myself.

In my opinion, everyone who suffers like this goes through a period of time when they question themselves on how much suffering they go through. I have been hit hard this last week. I have question how bad am I, what level pain should I admit too, and what right do I have to suffer in all my suffering. One of my issues with invisible illnesses is that I am in constant stress over being judged on how I look. “You don’t look sick” “Are you sure you aren’t feeling well” “It can’t be that bad if you are still able to walk around your house” Words ring in my ears and brain, reminding me that it must all be in my head. Famous words for anyone suffering from fibromyalgia as most doctors are quick to through them out.

I have had personal events happen that reinforce this. I have been denied disability. I submitted to the 8 month long process that took place and have seen more doctors and nurse than I care to admit. Being weighed and measured, poked and prodded has been an absolute nightmare. I suffered through it and in the end I was deemed too fit to be on disability. In the end letter, it was determined that I did suffer from fibromyalgia, insomnia, anxiety disorder, nerve pain, muscle pain and more. A total of 9 severe problems with my health. They did not find these severe enough to warrant me disabled. My final icing on the cake was reading on of the last lines in my letter saying: “If your job is too difficult for your condition, find an easier job.” My mind’s sarcastic response was “Sure I’ll go to the job tree and pick a new job straight off the branch.”

I have also had to fight with new insurance and new medications. I have been prescribed Lyrica. This is the first drug that I have seen that is specifically made for fibromyalgia sufferers. Being new, it is expensive. The classification it has been giving by insurance is that unless every other test and drug has been used and found not to work, then they will not pay for it. Fighting to get help is one of the most common themes I see in chronic illness patients. As if we didn’t suffer enough.

In my recent post that has been published, I have been able to interact with many people that have a myriad of different conditions. I have wept over reading the stories of those who have suffered. I have talked and comforted those who asked. I have been praised for helping raise our voice so others can see. In all of this, I look back at myself and ask “Am I really that sick?” Do I have the right to be a voice if I am not suffering as much as those around me. I am constantly questioned on how bad my pain and condition is that I am beginning to question myself. Yes, I have pain but is it bad enough.

I read an article recently that brought it to light for me. Erin from The Mighty.com posted on how Doctors are Advocating on Pain Acceptance. Doctors are now looking into “pain acceptance” as a treatment philosophy. It is an eye opening to see the direction this is going. As someone who suffers, I find it interesting to see that not believing chronic pain sufferers is a new direction to go. To be told that we should learn to live with the pain is insulting. To be told that my opinion, the patient’s opinion is not considered and the doctor’s view of my pain and condition makes me all the more fearful of doctors who don’t listen. Being told that I should just accept and live in pain, which is something I do every day, makes my and so many other voices sound like we are complainers.

It is infuriating.

If anything I have seen over these past few weeks is how many there are of us. It has shown me that we need a voice. It has shown that I matter. It has shown me more kind and compassionate people who, suffering like me, agree that we are not being heard. We have to fight our illness. We have to fight for our diagnosis. We have to sometimes fight our doctors and pharmacies and lawmakers. We have to fight to make our voices heard.

Thank you all for the pleasant company.

#hugapony my friends.