Where Has the Happiness Gone?

I have been writing in this blog for 4 years now. I have shared thoughts and opinions and feelings. I have seen people grow and learn. I see people fail and break. I have seen a world of change and a changed world. I have also seen a change that scares me.

Where has all the happiness gone?

I see people, more often than not, getting nasty on social media. I see folks attack and fight bitterly over social and economic systems. I have seen a great number of people break off friendships and cut off loved ones because of who they voted for in the last election.

I ask you again, where has all the happiness gone?

Where is the brotherly love we used to feel for one another? Where is the rebuilding of America after 9/11? Where is the gathering of help for tsunami victims? Where is the love of Pokemon Go that had everyone, young and old working together towards a common goal? What has changed?

What are you doing to keep the happiness here?

How have you acted in a kind fashion lately? What acts of kindness have you performed? Did you hold the door open for that person running behind you? Did you let that car get over a lane in heavy traffic? Did someone need that quarter you have in your pocket? What smiles have you brought to others faces?

What have I done to change the world for the better?

Did I do enough today to make a difference? Have I smiled at enough people to show that I care? Did I say hello enough times in the elevator to make someone feel welcome? Have I fed the dogs for my friends? Have I encouraged my daughter enough about school?

Happiness is not gone from the world. We just have forgotten to spread it around. The we spread it, the more it comes back to use. I ask you all, dear readers, to consider who you interact with today, tomorrow, next week. See who’s lives you can change for the better.

Don’t let the happiness disappear.

#hugapony my friends

Advertisements

SPECIAL POST!

I am so excited to share with you all a new milestone. It is the most views in a single day ever in the history of the blog!! Over 200!! I am so excited about this and I have to say thank you to all the people in Germany who made this possible. You all are fantastic and wonderful people (PS send me food!) As a thank you I making this post in German as well in celebration! Also, be sure to check out the Patreon button on the right side and if you can help support me that would be amazing! Writing is not a full-time gig for me and any support would go a long way!

Thank you and I love you all!

Ich bin so aufgeregt, mit euch allen einen neuen Meilenstein zu teilen. Es sind die meisten Aufrufe an einem einzigen Tag in der Geschichte des Blogs !! Über 200!! Ich bin so aufgeregt und danke an alle Menschen in Deutschland, die das möglich gemacht haben. Ihr alle seid fantastische und wundervolle Leute (PS schickt mir Essen!) Als Dankeschön mache ich diesen Blog auch auf Deutsch in Feier! Schaut euch auch den Patreon-Button auf der rechten Seite an und wenn ihr mir helfen könnt, wäre das großartig! Schreiben ist kein Vollzeitjob für mich und jegliche Unterstützung würde einen langen Weg zurücklegen!

Danke und ich liebe euch alle!

screenshot_20180702-0926071128029219.png

Take me home, Country roads.

Music is such a powerful healer. The sounds and vibrations can help break up stress and tension. Feeling the the beat can raise or lower your heart rate. It provides positive feelings and an escape. For someone with chronic illness, this can be such a welcome escape.

When I am going through a fibromyalgia flare or when anxiety starts to pump adrenaline through my body, I have a method of calming down. I use a sensory deprivation where I go to a dark room, put a nice heavy blanket on, hug a plushie, and I listen to music.

My personal favorite is the Lord of the Rings soundtrack (Fellowship of the Ring, Track 17 The Breaking of the Fellowship). I hear the notes and get lost in the music. It gives the soul something to attach on to and it pulls the body with it. By closing off the rest of your senses, with darkness and being alone, you get swept up in the sounds. It is amazingly peaceful.

In difficult times, music has a way of helping us find a way through. I have known quite a few people going through a bad break-up and listening to their couple’s song over and over. I distinctly remember living in a 22-foot pop-up camper with my family (6 people and a dog for 6 months) in a trailer park. The trailer site next to us had a husband and wife who fought like cats and dogs. Being a trailer park, and VERY thin walls, everyone in a 5 mile radius heard everything, much to our regret. The husband who leave each night slamming the door and the wife would play I Will Always Love You by Dolly Parton, sung by Whitney Houston while drinking wine.

Every night.

As a teenager, this was not a fun event each night. However, I realized that this was a coping method and was a way for her to calm down. The next morning they would come out of the trailer, smiles and hugs until the next evening. Now this is a very unhealthy situation and was horrible for them (and all of us around them). It has shown me that music can help in a very difficult situations and lead you through them.

I am currently facing a huge hurdle in my health. I am having my Tramadol removed from my medication. My doctor is no longer allowed to prescribe it to me. He was very chagrin while telling me. He was upset. Due to the “Opioid Crisis” I am found to be no longer fit to take it. After almost 6 years of being on it with little/to no side effects, a much higher quality of life, and one of the backbones of my pain management, I am being told there is no reason to have it. My chronic pain and illness disagrees.

Strenuously.

I have have to agree with it. I am having to go through a new cycle of pain management. I am having to adapt to life with severe pain once again on a daily basis. So in order to do this, I have been bringing out music once again. My new favorite is Country Roads by John Denver. I have listen to the track 20 hours in the last month alone, though not all at once. Most times it is only about ten minutes. And finding ten minutes to allow my body to relax and get a break from feeling is sometimes all I can get.

I will take it.

#hugaplushie my friends.

PS 

I have seen my readers in Germany SKYROCKET! I wanted to call upon all you out there and thank you with all that I have. Hugs and love to you all! I will being doing a special post for you all! PROST! ZUM WOLH!

Doctor New

I have had a lot of people ask me about when I am getting a new doctor. I have talked about how my last doctor retired and the one before that gave up on me as a patient. I have been through a terrible run of doctors in my life and they are usually not my favorite people.

Having a chronic illness mess going to the doctor a lot. Having an illness that a third of the medical community believes does not exist, another third that it is a mental issue, and only the last third that it is real is never a fun fight. Also being a guy, being diagnosed fibromyalgia is a an odd one as it effects women much more than men by a margin of 5/1. This is a fight I am used to with having to explain, yet again, that I have this illness and yes I need help.

I did my research on my doctor. Google reviews, doctor review sites, even your own insurance will sometimes have ratings on doctors. I highly recommend to everyone to look into your doctor, see what people are saying about him/her. See if they have dealt with your issue or see the personality of the staff. You have the power to see and choose your doctor. You have the power to find a new doctor. You do not have to stay with a bad doctor. I feel that a lot of those with chronic illnesses feel they have to stay with the doctor that they go to the first time and are stuck with them forever. If you feel the doctor is not listening to you, you can find someone different who will. If you feel the doctor has given up on you, get a second opinion. Find a good one.

I took my wife and baby with me for moral support. I had several panic attacks leading up to actually seeing the doctor. I get worried that he would not listen to me or would, irrationally, make fun of me. I have had doctors tell me that I was imagining things or that I was wrong about an illness and then I was proven right at a later date. I go in early, fill out my paperwork and wait. I am then taken to get my vitals taken and go into the patient room.

The doctor comes in, introduces himself, and asks what is going on. I explain I am due for a 3 month checkup and am due for a refill on my perceptions. I am explain that my last doctor retired and was looking for a new primary. He looked at me sternly and and questioned my medical history. I told him who diagnosed me, how many procedures I have been through, the tests run on me. He watched me carefully and informed me that I was on an opioid and started to tell me the dangers of the drugs I was on and that he did not believe that I should be on them. He said he would need a drug test and a blood test to confirm that I was the one actually taking them and I wasn’t selling them. I said OK as I was taking my medications correctly. He informed me that many people had been dying on the exact medication I was one.

This was not looking good so far.

I was starting to panic because I was feeling attacked. I, once again, was having to prove to another stranger that I was sick. I had been through so all this be before. I was given a cup to pee into and waited for the results. He came in to inform me that the test did not show the opioids I was taking and that he wanted more information. He asked for the names of all the doctors I had had, where their offices were at, who gave me the actually diagnosis. I grew frustrated. I give him all the info I had. He said the nurse would be in for the drug test in a min and gave me the physical exam. I winced and groaned as he pressed and push on the points of tenderness and he seemed surprised. He poked like someone who was expecting not to find something. He pressed a lot harder than I expect at first and then he realized he was hurting me. He had me sit up and left to get the nurse for the drug test.

I was embarrassed at all this. I was angry. I complained to my wife. I was frustrated. She gave me some amazing clarity. She told me to stand in the doctor’s shoes. I was a new patient, with an uncommon illness, asking for a drug that he believed to be dangerous, coming from a doctor who “retired” and had a urine sample that showed I was not taking  my medication. She asked if I was in his shoes if I would be suspicious. I said she had a point and kept pushing through.

My blood was drawn. I hate this more than anything. I had a nurse once hit the nerve in my arm and my arm went numb for almost a week. This nurse had to go get someone else as well making it last even longer. Then they had to switch arms. I struggled with it all and squeezed my little Fluttershy plush hard.

The doctor came back in and told me he was able to pull some of my records. He was going to refill my medications but that he wanted to go through the active medication list as it had some discrepancies. Evidently it showed multiple duplicate medications. I cleared them up and was gave information on each on and what had happened.

The doctor finally showed some compassion and started listening to me. He asked to hold the baby and started asking questions instead of demanding them. Hr told me that my medicine was not what he wanted me on but he wanted to try a new one to help ease the inflammation as he thought that it would help me a lot more. He was surprised that no one had tried it before. He agreed that I should have my doses increased as I was having more pain and needed more help.

We finished up, got my paperwork in order and I thanked him and left. I thanked my wife for giving me clarity and calling me out on being too judgmental. We talked about how organized this doctor was and how I had so many red flags that probably set off alarms all the way to Washington, DC. He had refilled my prescriptions, even if he didn’t agree with all of them, and had given me a new one to help me out.

We both had prejudices that we had to overcome. I was forced to look at the other side. It is always interesting walking in someone else’s shoes. I know I can get wrapped up in my own prejudices when it comes to my illness. I am glad I overcame them.

#hugapony my friends

A Vacation, Part 1

I am currently on vacation in Tennessee visiting family. It is a welcome reprieve form life and the stresses in it. We have not had a true vacation in five or more years. This spring break for my girls is their first since entering the public school system. It is exciting to see their minds to take a break and I admire, and am so proud, of how smart they are becoming.

One issue I am having with this vacation is me. I am finding myself not being able to do the activities with others. I am in constant need of more breaks and rest stops. Some times I just need to stop and sit for 20 minutes as my energy levels are too low.

Chronic fatigue hurts.

This coupled with the pain I am constantly in makes it difficult to enjoy some of the exciting aspects of my vacation. I am having to accept the fact that I have more limitations on what I can do. This hurts more than I first anticipated.

Yesterday I went to a children’s arcade/play place with my two eldest daughters and my nephew. My girls had a blast running around in the playground area and climbing the inflatables. They wanted “dad” to run and jump and play. I smiled and did my best, but no where near what I felt I should be doing. It hurt me to tears and not being able to play with my girls.

Today we went shopping. I was the only dad in the group of 6 girls so I ended up with both shopping carts and helped with the lifting and sorting. It was a morning that was already rough due to a fibromyalgia flare up. I ended up sitting more often than not. I smiled a fake smile and pushed as hard as I could through the pain. It wasn’t enough and I felt terrible. I felt guilty at holding the group back, even though I knew I could do nothing about it.

It is a hard situation in the fact that I am suffering from a chronic illness, feeling that I am letting my family down by not keeping up, and then having the guilt and depression from all of it. Constant 24 hour pain and having some seasonal allergies pop up complete the horrid picture. I feel so tired of fighting.

And its not just the chronic fatigue.

I have been reviewing my condition and well-being these past few months. I have looked at my medication and doses and have decided that i am in need of an increase. I have been reviewing how much I have limited myself in lowering my dosage to not have to deal with the pending opioid crisis. I have talked with my doctors at lower it so I am not considered in the “addict” category. I am slowly realizing that this is futile and I need to focus more on making sure that my needs are met.

Then there is the guilt from others at taking a vacation.

Society seems to think that a disabled person is someone in a wheelchair or crutches, barely able to move ever. I have received, for lack of a better word, hate for doing activities that I love that I should not “be able to do” because of my condition. Just because I suffer does not mean that I cannot take a vacation. Do we give up our right to happiness by having a condition that holds us back? This does not mean I get to take a break from my illness. I have suffered everyday of my vacation. I do not get a break from my symptoms. Why must I suffer the feelings of others who feel the need to tell me that I must be faking if I go on vacation. Why add that to someone who is already suffering?

It feels incredibly frustrating.

We try to live normal lives. We deserve to have vacations and enjoy life when and where we can just like everyone else.

#hugapony everyone.

Support day.

This year has turned into quite a roller-coaster for quite a few people, myself included. I , I feel as if we have had nine months of news stories in the span of only 60 days. I know I have had to look for the positive stories more than anything to remain hopeful. I have also worked hard to bring the fight for others like me who are suffering in the opioid crisis. During this time I have been dealing with a long run of fibromyalgia flare ups.

I am hurting, tired, and worn out.

This is a unique time of year. The darker, colder months of the year for the US and this leads to more depression. The break from holidays and the excitement of the new year has worn off for most people. It becomes harder to stay focused and to be able to focus on the positives.

It also happens to be my birthday time.

My birthday is in the beginning of March (actual date redacted). Birthdays were always an old day for me. I have been very blessed with a wife who goes and plans a wonderful day for me. She is quite a amazing at it. I quite grateful for all that she does. There can be one thing that holds me back.

My condition.

I have to take time every month and access my pain levels, what I can and cannot do physically, and more. It is difficult to look over the past month or two and see where I have declined, what I have done better, and general self care. In doing so, I have found myself in a rougher spot this time of year than most birthdays.

It is difficult to be in a happy time and be brought down by your illness. You struggle and fight to be happy and appreciative. Inside, you are trying your hardest, and want to shout out that it is all amazing. What can escape your lips is far less than what you want to say.

But still I fight. I know many who fight with me. I know many who fight for us.

I want to give a shout out to those who fight to be happy in the bad times. I am proud of you and I believe the world is a better place with you still in it. I want to give a huge shout out to those who help take care of us. You all go above and beyond with trying to show us how much we are loved and do amazing things. You make life worth living for so many of us. You are amazing and strong.

As always, a big shout out to all those who read and support me. I am humbled and honored that you choose to read what I write. You guys rock and make me feel like a rock star.

I ask all of you to give some love and gratitude to those who support you. Sometimes the best way to help yourself out of a hole is to help others. Showing love and compassion will return it back to you.

Thank you and I love you all.

#hugapony everyone.

Digital Frontiers.

It is an exciting day for me. I wanted to share two important pieces of news.

First, I have been published again on The Mighty.com. I have continued to try and be a voice for the community. It has been posted for only a day now and I already love the  response that is coming out. I have had someone ask to be kept posted on finding a new doctor. I have been humbled by how much other people care. I would love to share this blog and my writing to the world. Here is a link to the article.

When You Have to Fight to Get Your Pain Medication

Second, I have renewed my domain name for the blog. Anniversaries are important. These milestones are road-markers and reminders for us about how far we have made it. It is these points that show us that we made it another pass around the sun. May it be for better or worse, we have survived and in doing so we have shown the world that, while we may go through such hardships in life, we are still going, no matter what tries to hold us down. I love and thank you all for the wonderful support you have shown me this past year and before. I can never thank you enough. I will try and be a voice in the dark, help for the helpless, and your continued advocate and supporter of you as a person.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Here is to next year.

#hugapony my friends

My Opinion.

I have had a rough start to the year. The whole family has been down with the flu, much like the rest of the nation. We have been recovering and seem to be on the mend. There have been some interesting developments on the writing front I wanted to share with everyone.

I wrote my opinion on a recent The Mighty article, something I rarely share. They asked what it meant when someone with fibromyalgia says when they say “I’m tired.” I decided to share my personal experiences and it got put in the article which you can read here.

22 Things People With Fibromyalgia Really Mean When They Say ‘I’m Tired’

I then saw a few more articles asking people’s opinions on a few other topics but I felt I had said enough.

I was wrong.

I was emailed twice asking to comment on two different subjects. The first was about a new opioid drug research and what I had thought about it. I was flattered and agreed to share. I was then asked to share a photo of what a symptom of my illness looks like. I was hesitant to share but with being asked I felt obliged to answer. Both links are below.

Scientists Say They’re a Step Closer to Creating a ‘Non-Addictive’ Opioid

32 Photos That Reveal the Different Ways Fibromyalgia Can Present Itself

It has been an interesting month and I have been proud of myself and all of you! Thank you all for supporting me on this and reading. I know that today there was a HUGE influx of readers from the UK and I wanted to give a shout out to you all (or ya’ll as we say in the southern USA)! I wanted to let everyone know about my donation button where you can donate through PayPal. It has been a great start to the year and once again thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

#hugapony everyone!

World War me.

I am recovering from my last convention and am trying to regain lost rest and sleep. I want to thank everyone who came out to visit and I plan on special post for all of you. I am humbled and honored by the response that was given. It meant as much to me as to you.

I have been diagnosed Fibromyalgia, panic disorder, insomnia, and quite a few other conditions for 5 years now. I have experienced a lot and have struggled to find the help I need to make it through my day to day routine much less when life throws me curve balls. I have tried and put into place all manner of methods of managing my conditions. I have changed diet, put in a modified exercise regiment, and adjusted my life to fit my condition.

I also take prescribed opioids.

News outlets have been reporting on the “Opioid Crisis” that has arisen. They talk about the real effects on people’s lives. They talk about the families being torn apart with the misuse of the drug. They are representing every side of the issue.

Except mine.

I, like many other chronic illness sufferers, rely on the use of these drugs to lead somewhat regular lives. Understandably we do not represent all responsible opioid use. However, we do regularly get added to the group of opioid abusers. The news loves to report the numbers of total users or the max number of prescribed people in US. Using these numbers all kinds of data can be thrown around as to the approximate number of abusers. I am not ignoring the rising numbers of opioid related deaths, I fear that too many people are caught up in the panic and it is hurting the people who need the help.

I have recently changed pharmacies due to the national response. CVS has come out to say that they will not prescribe more than a weeks worth of an opioid to cut down on the number of pills in the public. This hurts in several ways. I now have more co-pays to look forward to paying. I now have the stress of going to the pharmacy once a week instead of once a month. I get to be faced with the pharmacy techs who judge me on my condition. They have to evaluate what I take, how many I take, and how often I take it to ensure that I am doing everything correctly.

It can be humiliating and debilitating.

It can also lead to them to refusing to fill a medication. When I was first being diagnosed, I had a tech tell me I couldn’t have any more medication, even though I was taking them as prescribed (Post is here “Anxiety now?“). I have also been through the panic of not being able to see the doctor in time or canceling my appointment so I end up running out before I can get the help I need (Oh Day of days). It is so tight now, my new doctor has a new form that I had to fill out saying I have to bring all my meds into the office each visit and be subjected to random pill count checks.

To quote a friend, “This is victim shaming.”

“We are not getting the prescribed medications from our dealer or a junkie. We getting these medications from a licensed doctor who has examined, poked, prodded, and run tests to find out what can help. We are not using these pills for recreational use. We are using them so we can get out of bed and live a somewhat normal and have a job.”

This is a crisis. My crisis. My own personal war inside me. I have to fight to get help. I have to fight to get time to go to the doctor each time. Taking off work to go see a doctor takes a lot of time and most jobs are not forgiving. I have to look at what I have and ration. I have several medications that are “As needed”. Do I take them now when I am having a rough day or do I save it in case I have a worse day? Why do I have to choose?  Who is speaking for me? For us?

I am only one small voice on a small platform.

I am speaking up.

Don’t forget us in the crisis.

#hugaplushie my friends.

 

 

 

Midweek quickie

I had a interesting weekend with a small social experiment. My sister posted the following picture and had some fun writing. I joined as well and post this picture.

22780259_10214405495881268_5210753693401125644_n.jpg

I soon sat down to enjoy having a bit of fun and work on my creative writing skills. I realized my mistake after 30 min.

Everyone was posting on it.

10, 15, 20, 25. They came in twos and threes. Everyone enjoying the short blurbs about themselves. I felt my phone going off every 10 min with another one. I cursed my sister (who promptly reminded me that I shared the picture voluntarily). I couldn’t sleep as I had more stories to write…..

In all honesty, it was a wonderful time and a big stretch of my writing and creative muscles. Thank you all who posted.

Just a reminder that this Saturday, Oct 28 @ 12pm, I will be have the My Stuffed Little Therapy panel at Nightmare Nights in Addison, Tx. I would love to see each and every one of you there.

Have a wonderful week everyone!

#hugapony my friends.