Author: Codefreak

The Great Unknown.

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It has not been a good day/week/month/year mentally. I have undergone many a issue. I have worked harder on finding out more about myself and what is going on. I have worked harder on myself and my illness. I have tried to make things change. I have pushed to have more control over my life.

And I feel back behind square one.

Square Zero.

I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of hurting every single day. I am tired of being a mess.

I decided to write what I feel and what goes through my head when I am having a bad day. I wanted to show what goes through my head and what my mind is telling me. I wanted to see on paper and hold my issues in my hand. Try and see the tangible evidence of my mind spiraling out of control. I only wrote for about a minute, but it was not pretty.

I AM SELF-CENTERED. I am an idiot. I am a horrid person. I am a failure. I bring everyone down around me. No one wants me. No one actually cares for me. No one wants to give me anything. No one wants to do something for me without wanting something in return. I always feel guilty, even when sitting and reading. I don’t take care of the kids. I don’t fulfill anyone’s hopes, dreams, desires. I am not attractive. 

I am trying to sort through just went through my head what my mind tells me.

I know I am not a complete failure. (But you fail at so much)

I know I take care of my kids. (You don’t do enough)

I know people care for me. (They are just faking or feeling sorry for you out of pity)

I know my wife and kids love me. (They have to, they don’t have a choice)

I should not feel guilty about sitting and reading. (You are lazy for taking time for yourself and need to be helping others or cleaning or anything but what you want to do)

My mind is a battleground. I wanted share this with everyone. Not for pity or help. But to show that I suffer as well. I fight each day. I have people fighting with me. I am seeking new ideas and ways to help/sort/better myself.

You are not alone, dear reader.

Even holding the card in my hand, I see myself and almost want to take pity on me. I have to write things down to get them out of my head? Worthless. Even now I struggle to be free of my mind.

Even now I hug a pony.

 

 

 

I wish I had Cancer

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Cancer is a disease that people can relate to and under. The causal head nod, followed by the “I’m so sorry” makes it so people understand that something serious is going on. People hear it and recognize that a person is going through one of the most difficult things to go through. One of our closest family friends is a cancer survivor. Eight years ago she got a terminal diagnosis. She says her first thought was “Thank God it’s cancer and not depression.”

Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses don’t carry that same weight. People don’t understand and cannot see the changes. Family, friends, and even doctors all look at you and say “It is all in your head”. While they are not false, this makes it seem like I have the ability to change my illness and “Just feel and act better and you will BE better”. It is easy to forget that these illnesses can be just as deadly.

Here are some statistics on depression/suicide.

  • Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC)
  • The suicide rates decreased from 1990-2000 from 12.5 suicides per 100,000 to 10.4 per 100,000.  Over the past decade, however, the rate has again increased to 12.1 per 100,000. Every day, approximately 105 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)
  • There is one death by suicide in the US every 12.3 minutes. (CDC)
  • Depression affects 20-25% of Americans ages 18+ in a given year. (CDC)
  • Suicide takes the lives of over 38,000 Americans every year. (CDC)
  • Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment. (NAMI)
  • 80% -90% of adolescents that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully using therapy and/or medication. (TADS)
  • An estimated quarter million people each year become suicide survivors (AAS).
  • There is one suicide for every estimated 25 suicide attempts. (CDC)
  • There is one suicide for every estimated 4 suicide attempts in the elderly. (CDC)

With all this data, why is there such a stigma around mental and neurological disorders? Why are people so quick to judge? Why is it so hard to believe it IS all in my head due to my head having an illness.

It is frustrating trying to explain why you can’t focus on the happy. Your mind looks and seeks the flaws. You go and find thinks to fill the gaps in your day so the anxiety doesn’t catch up to you. You just try to stay ahead of the wave that is threatening to drown you.

And people stare at you.

They wonder why you are so different. They wonder why you can’t just feel better. They just want you to be normal. They are tired of you and all the baggage that you carry. They get tired of you and how you act.

Believe me, if I could just “Man up” and be a better person, I would have done it years ago.

No, I would never want or wish on anyone cancer. It is a terrible disease and I am glad so much time and research goes into it. I just want people to understand that mental health issues can be just as dangerous and deadly. Keeping people’s mental state in order so they can live better lives should be a focus for everyone.

I’ll step off my soapbox now.

#hugapony

#prayers4dallas

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I am calling for prayers and good will to those of us here in Dallas. This was 15 min away from were I live. This is way too close to home for me. I will resume normal posts at a later date. I and my family and friends are fine. I pray for peace for the families of the fallen. Thank you to those who serve.

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#weallneedaponytonight

A-kon panel #2

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My second A-kon panel was not an easy one. I was part of a group that spoke on invisible diseases and disabilities. I was asked several months before, if I wanted to be a part of it. I jumped at the opportunity to speak. Unusual for a introvert like me. I, however, know that I have a way with words and thoughts and feelings. I know I can help people.

That I have, indeed, helped people.

We all gathered in a panel room, all unsure of what to expect. The room was almost filled. We sat down and our head panelist called everyone’s attention.

And we talked.

We, as the panelists, gave our stories. We gave our backgrounds and our illnesses. We gave our experiences. As our stories were told, I ended up passing some of the ponies I carry on me (my talisman against the evils of depression and anxiety) up and down the panel line to help every get through their stories. We gave a piece of ourselves to the crowd.

And they responded.

I do not believe there was a dry eye in the room. I saw some people get up and leave, only to come back with tissues.

Some cried for us. I had a close friend who said they could only see us as people she couldn’t help and wept. She had me in tears when I talked to her afterward. This kind and loving soul said she just wanted to give us all a big hug and make everything better.

Some cried with us. Some in the audience stood up to thank us. They were amazed that we had the courage to speak. They said they didn’t feel alone any more. We all were in a room that was a safe place, and the audience opened up.

It was awe inspiring.

After the panel the crowd came up to talk to each of us. Some wanted to know more of what we do to work through our illnesses. Others to reach out with encouragement. One will forever stick in my mind.

I have a wonderful young lady come up to me and thank me for speaking. She told me she had been fighting her own anxiety that day and had almost left several times, but she wanted to attend our panel. She said she was so glad she did. I thanked her for coming and started talking about what she had been through. She started to cry as I could see her beating herself up for having the anxiety but she didn’t know what else to do. She had nothing to help her.

She didn’t have a talisman against the dark.

I pulled out my mini Fluttershy and handed it to her. She took it as she wiped away tears. As she started to calm down, I asked her if she had heard of stuffed therapy. She said she had during my presentation but didn’t know much more than that. I told her that the plushie she held was the first step in helping. I showed her how much she had calmed down just by holding it and petting it. I showed her a weapon to fight with.

And I gave her my talisman.

The room stopped. Many there knew my symbol of stuffed therapy. Some knew it was my first plushie in this adventure. They knew it was my mini Fluttershy, and how special it was to me. Tears started to flow from my friends who were still in shock.

This wonderful person who clutched at the plushie started crying and hugged me tight. She thanked me over and over. She took a step back and looked at Fluttershy again. As she looked, I explained that that was my first plushie. I told her that I had it when I first went to the doctor. She look on in shock as I explained how much love and help that mini had given me. Shock then spread to the rest of the room as everyone saw me tell her that I wanted this dear girl, who was suffering, that I wanted her to take care of Fluttershy.

She broke down crying and hugged me again even tighter.

I said a quiet goodbye to one of my dearest friend who brought me so much strength and love. I passed her on to the next person to take care of her. I strengthen someone else to help them through life. I started to cry myself.

Everyone started to cry.

I am tearing up thinking about it now. I wonder how she is doing? I wonder how her mini Fluttershy is doing? I wonder if I helped enough?

I believe I did.

Goodbye once more, my dear friend. May you bring happiness and peace and love and joy to another as you did me. You were there for countless panic attacks. You were with me at my first doctors visit. You were there in the hospital when I was sick. You were there in the lowest times of my life. May you do well and do the same for her.

#hugapony my friends.

Time is not on your side.

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This month as been one of the busiest of my life. I have never tried to cram so much into a month before and I don’t think I ever want to try it again.

I moved from my friends house the first week.

I had the convention A-kon in the second week.

I moved to my new place the third week. So much unpacking.

My wife is gone on a trip with our church’s youth group this last week.

Busy busy busy.

Sometimes that is what you have to do to keep moving.

Time is a terrible thing when you are fighting depression and anxiety. Time that is unfilled is then injected with your mind going crazy and irrational. Anxiety takes those moments and fills them with every possibility of what is going on, everything you should be doing better, and who is talking about you and your failures.

Depression then takes that moment, as you fight the thousand thoughts of anxiety, and hits you in the back. It reinforces your anxiety with the thoughts of you really ARE a failure. It is the rebar of your prison of concrete. It helps make your cell that much stronger.

Anxiety is about everything going on around you.

Depression is what your mind thinks of yourself.

Together they form a one-two punch that knocks you out.

So what do you do?

You keep moving.

You fill the time up in your day so that you never have a moments rest. You keep running away. If you can fill the gaps, the breaks of your day, it doesn’t give your mind the ability to pounce. You have one main thought. Don’t think, just keep swimming.

It is why we are so tired.

We can’t stop running or we have to fight. Or we stopped and let the guard down. We are fighting so much, we can’t focus on anything else until we drop from exhaustion. We have all our muscles tense from waiting for anxiety to drop the other shoe, or the depression to drag us down with chains, or for us to pass out in bed.

I can’t stop running. I can’t stop doing. I can’t stop. I must stay busy.

And so I fill my month with an unbelievable amount of things to do. God help me if I miss one or mess up on one. I just have one thought.

Don’t think, just keep swimming.

#hugapony my friends

Faith

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This is an old post that hadn’t made it out due to internet issues. I have a backlog of post since moving into a new [place and getting internet (yay!) I hope y’all enjoy the read!

 

Faith is something I don’t bring up much. Not because I find myself not wanting to offend someone. For me, it is more personal. My faith is my faith. It is something I treasure and draw upon.

Today I was reminded of how much I am loved by my God.

I was given all the cash by my wife that we had in hopes of getting my van past inspection. My van is very old and the only vehicle we have. It is very difficult to pass inspection due to several issues. We had the check engine light off and so I took the chance to go get it inspected. I cross my fingers that it would pass. While checking the van, the tech noticed that the back tire was very low but not enough to fail me. The tech was looking at me oddly as he knew the van had more than a few miles on it and wasn’t not expecting it to pass.

Surprise surprise.

It passed.

I was joyous as the tech was beyond thorough. I then called my wife joyous and went to fill up the tire on the way to get the van reregistered.

Disaster.

I had a nail in the tire.

I drove quickly to a tire shop and payed to have it plugged in the hopes it would hold.

It held.

Another miracle for me as that never happens.

I drove to the local office to renew the registration but was informed that because it was expired so long I had to go to the government office.

Joy.

I went home to grab one last paper for registration when I counted my money left from everything.

77 dollars.

Please be enough.

I went to the government office and started the paperwork. Texas has a few new rules with everything and was charging more than last year. I held my breath as she gave me the total.

77 dollars.

Even.

I couldn’t believe it. I not only passed inspection, a flat, and still had the money to register. By the exact amount.

God is good.

I had a counseling session with my pastor and he pointed out one big take a way for me.

Happiness is were you are happy but waiting for when times go bad. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Joy is looking for the good things in every situation. I should be looking for joy, not happiness. It struck a chord with me.

I find joy in my ponies.

I find joy in my blog.

Hug a ponies my Friends. I needed a win.

Before move quicky

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I am moving tomorrow and will be setting up internet later this week. Before I go dark for a few days, I want to share a photo.

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Themighty.com sent me a card and a shirt thanking me for my articles that they published. It is a small gesture with a mighty impact (see what I did there). I am beyond humbled and cannot thank everyone who follows and reads my posts enough.

#hugaplushie my friends

Akon Panel #1

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I am just now being able to update my blog and I thank all of you for being patient with me in my time away from the computer. I am still in the process of moving and I am hoping and praying it is this weekend. I am quite excited. I am looking forward to having a place to my own with my family and being able to be settled.

I had a wonderful time at my first panel at A-kon 27. It was Middle of Nowhere, Smashed and Thanksgiving (Featuring Two men walk into a Bar). I was joined by my good friends Nick (from Knightengale Music Advising) and Ronin (From The Gigalounge) with special guest voice actor Kyle Herbert (From DragonBall Z and a lot more!).

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^Ronin and Kyle

And what a time we had!

We always have wonderful giveaways and prizes at our panel. This year we had a “beer” pong table for the attendees to fight over great things and had some awesome matches. I was given Surge (thanks Nick) which I had not had in 10 years or more. We also gave away this year’s poster to those attending.
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We had a dynamic conversation with great chats about the state of video game consoles to the introduction of VR into mainstream. Kyle got to try VR for the very first time!!

After the panel while we gave out the posters, the strangest thing happened. We had several people come up and ask us to sign the posters.

Wow.

Not gonna lie, I felt almost famous. I had never been asked to autograph something. I was flabbergasted at first and had the thought of “they don’t want mine”. Then a gentleman came up and said “Sign this please”. I told him the artist was next to me and he corrected me, asking me to sign on my character. I stumbled around and found a sharpie and then 4 more people lined up!

Holy crap!

All told it was some of the most fun I had ever had at a panel. I want to thank everyone there for coming and I look forward to more with my crew.

I will have my second (and much more serious panel) written in a few days, as I move again.

#hugapony my friends
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