Crying for help.

In the wake of the national tragedies that have been sweeping the nation these past days, the subject of mental health has come back to the surface. These terrible acts are committed by cowards, as we are told about how they cried out for help but were denied. They were shown the door too many times and the mental health professionals were unable to treat them. We collectively are at fault for not understanding.

I am tired of it.

Why is it the debate only comes up in a tragedy? Why is it that we are unable to show the care and affection that is needed in the moment and not after the fact? How can there be this much failure from so many people? Is it because we are not listening in the moments that matter? Are we not judging so many people that try and get help? I have seen too many people bullied for seeking the help that they need and it is not even second guessed. We have failed as a society twice.

First, we deny or attack those who need our help. Would you slap a child’s hand away from the railing as it struggled to stand up? Would you deny a diabetic who needs their insulin? Would you attack the person missing the leg that they don’t need the crutch and just need to suck it up and learn how to walk like the rest of us? How terrible it is that we do this to those who need help in their darkest times. When we tell the mom who needs an antidepressant, because she can’t understand why she can’t be happy with 2 kids, that she is failing as a mom. We look at the teen who cannot concentrate, because the neurons in the brain are firing too much, that he just is a lazy child who will be worthless. When someone needs therapy, the whole room gasps in shock and horror. Everyone whispers to themselves in secret at how horrible that person must be. The is the social normalcy we have created. We do not accept our failure as a society that has created this innate fear of speaking up that you need help.

Second, we blindly deny judgment that we could have done something to help them. We blame anything else, objects, movies, video games, technology, generational gaps, lack of family structure.  Has perfectionism reach this highest level that if you don’t get the perfect SAT score, ace that university exam, get the best paying job, it is just not worth living this life, or even I need to bring everything else down because that is all I have left. Anything less than perfection is not accepted. We blame politics and groups of people and everything else. The first part about fixing a problem is admitting we have a problem. However, everyone needs to admit that we are all at fault. Instead we are stuck shifting the blames from one another in an attempt to make ourselves not feel guilty.

Too much hurt has been caused in this environment that we live in. Accountability is at an all time low. Yours, mine, everyone. We need to make a change. Sometimes it can be a small act of kindness. Maybe you turn the other cheek and not say that snarky comeback. What are you doing to break the chain?

#hugapony my friends

Advertisements

Tumbling through the Fog

There has been an amazing amount of activities going in in my brain lately.  Few things fascinate me as much as the human brain does. It regulates the body and all the functions. It makes sure to self protect from danger. It creates entire worlds in an imagination. It runs 24 hours a day, everyday for our entire lives. The brain is truly an incredible thing. But, as much as we don’t want to believe as a society, it can be sick.

Its easy to spot the sick brain when it has cancer, the skull is cracked, or if there is a hemorrhage. These are readily identified and show the causes as such. Treatments are fairly known and while it is terrible when these things happen, it is clear what is the problem When it comes to mental health, it becomes much more murky.

The few tests done are for chemical imbalances. It shows the nutrients and lacking minerals in the body, blood sugars, and toxin screenings. The next one goes through the history of your mental health, changes shown, what is being down to help. We are listed as a Risk/Non-risk to ourselves and we are shuffled on to the next set of testing.

This endless cycle of not knowing, being criticized by friends, family, and even the doctors themselves. It becomes almost unbearable. Going day in and day out fighting your own brain and having to argue with yourself that you do matter, and that there is something wrong with you. You have to convince yourself that, Yes you are sick and you need help. This constant wear strains the already weary brain.

Now we add in a physical illness. Lyme disease, fibromyalgia, or Crohn’s decease. Illnesses that are not an immediate threat but cause all kinds of havoc in the daily lives of sufferers. Lack of sleep, fighting pain and nerve medications, and the conditions themselves slowing and sometimes stopping us in our tracks. I have used over half my vacation time for sick time this last year. It wears through you at a steady rate and shows the problems that are evident in your body.

All these things make up for a depressive episode. Times when reason and rational go out the window and show that even when you are intelligent and even aware of all the answers and conditions, you still stumble and cannot make your brain see that it is wrong. You spiral down the drain and you argue with yourself 10 times over more than you usually do in an attempt to find peace. It is this peace that you seek. A peace that is the calm center in this hurricane.

It takes every bit of effort and help to find it.

And, like a hurricane, when you find this peace in the eye of the storm, you brace for the back half of the storm. You see the storm clouds, you feel the winds and you cringe as you know how much it is going to hurt. This is were I am at today. I have been through the wringer and am just trying to catch my breath. I feel the second half about to hit.

I am extremely grateful for those kind people who have helped me through this time. My life has been in pure turmoil for the last year. I have struggled and fought for each and every inch I have gained in my life. I have been finding my way through this fog and have done well from the outside. Inside, I am not sure if I have done enough to recover/

I will continue to fight and write and tell my store of how I feel and what it is like for you to read. I will continue to fight my brain and try to find the peace in my head to be able to relax. I hope, pray, and beg that I will be taken seriously. I will continue to buy and give away stuffed animals and plushies to help others and myself.

#hugaplushie my friends

Milestone and misses

I was not able to keep my promise of posting on the 15th. I want to apologize to my readers as i usually have posts in reserve to cover the times of the month on the 1st and the 15th when I post. However, I have had my wonderful family in town and between that and the next paragraph, I missed it.

On the milestone side of things, I have now been published for the 15th time on The Mighty.com. This article is still young but is going strong with over 5k likes! It has also been featured multiple times on the Mighty Facebook. I have done my best to answer and respond to everyone’s comments. Thank you all for reading. A link to the article is below. I hope to see you there.

I Am Tired of Being Judged for Using Opioids to Manage My Pain

I love you all and thank you all for your support!

#hugaplushie my friends!

Power on

It takes an amazing amount of energy and work to get through the day. Speaking for myself, I know that it takes a lot to get out of bed, shower, work, clean, spend time with my girls, and then try not to collapse into bed too soon. Somewhere in there I have to find time to eat and write. It takes a lot to be me.

And I do it with a chronic illness.

Having a chronic illness makes everything you do seem like you are doing it with a large animal strapped to your back, holding you down on a good day and on a bad day, it is trying to drag you the opposite direction. You walk through what feels like jello, it takes an hour or two to wake up with your body hurting so much, and you fight to hold thoughts in your head through the brain fog. If you take medicine for this you are also judged, weighed, and told how it is just a crutch to make you feel better.

All this for me is made harder in that I am socially awkward. Being an introvert makes it socially draining on me to be around other people. Just talking and interacting with people takes a toll. I take my issue a step further by helping others and providing advise to those who ask. I stop and listen to see what is needed and just to let others talk. I take extra time to ask people about their day and to see what I can do for them.

Why do I do this despite the fact I deal with so much from my illness?

Because we have to be better and overcome our issues. Everyone has them. We all have things holding us back. Be it physical, mental, emotional, or otherwise, we have issues that cause us to not be the best we can be. Our problems are not the issue. It is our attitude. Sitting down and throwing a pity party will not fix things. Getting up, giving it a 100% even in the times we know that we might not win. Just because we don’t like it doesn’t change the fact that we have the power to change our viewpoint on it.

I know what I have been through in both this last year personally and over the past five years with my illness. I have seen the hardships it has caused and the problems to come. I have seen where it has gotten the best of me. However, I do see where I did not let it hold me back. I have seen the problems I have overcome by continuing on my path even when it got hard. I made the decisions that needed to be made and followed through on them. Just because life has gotten tougher does not mean you give up.

I have learned in the hardest ways that I am not perfect. It has not stopped me from trying. Some days are going to be rough and get the better of you. It will happen. You have to decide what to do with the days that does not happen.

What do you do when you have a good day?

Keep powering on and #hugaplushie my friends

Depression vs One good day

Depression is a constant thing. It wraps around you like a cloak. It is an unwanted house guest that you cant get to leave. You are made constantly aware of it when you wake up in the morning and you never forget it when you lay down for the evening. It is not something that is gotten rid of because of a mood change.

Most people are surprised at finding out people that we thought were the happiest are actually depressed. Seeing people who are smiling the most or acting the happiest who suddenly have an episode shocks and scares people. One of the many problems facing people who are suffering from depression is the lack of recognition of the signs. Having someone who has to help everyone else through the hardest times because they know how hard it is to be going through.

Being depressed is not mood or attitude, it is a condition. Telling someone to be happy or to do something fun will not help the person in the long run. “Living life for you!” or any of the thousand pick me ups that can be said will not change the underlying issue that could be causing this bout of depression.

However, people who have depression can have good moments, days and even longer periods of time. It is odd or hard to see someone who goes through awful times and then manages to find happiness in a book they haven’t read in years. They can go to beach and have a wonderful day with many pleasant memories. They are allowed good days.

The ridicule from those good days often makes things worse.

In being told that we are not really depressed if we can have a good day illegitimatizes what is being experienced. This false narrative that we do not know what is happening in our own bodies and mind, teaches us that we do not know what we should feel and furthermore makes us fulled with guilt from being allowed a good day. Only imagine, after having found the energy to go and experience something happy and fun to be told we should never have felt bad in the first place and if we really were depressed, we should feel guilty about making others feel bad.

We wonder why we have a mental health crisis in today’s world.

You can be depressed and go to Disney world. You can have depression and enjoy food or movies. That doesn’t cure it but we are allowed to be happy. Helping people understand that instant cures do not exist and that just because we are smiling doesn’t mean we are not still hurting. Having a happy moment doesn’t stop the chemical imbalance that is present in our bodies and minds. Laughing with a puppy does not cure the years of mental and physical abuse that has been done to someone. Please stop judging people on one good day.

Sleep for the Sleepless

Sleeping shouldn’t be hard. In this age of bed technology and scented oils, sleep should come easier and be more restful than ever. Seeing commercials from C-PAP machines to sleep aids to pure cotton, hand spun bed sheets, we are constantly being shown how much we should be getting rest and sleeping. With someone with a chronic illness, it is completely different.

As someone who struggles with getting rest at night, it can be difficult to describe how hard it is to sleep well. I like to compare it to someone who went to the beach for a day, stayed in the sun, played in the water and sand, stayed up late drinking a bit but than being woken up at 7 am with only a few hours of sleep, none of it restful and having to work a normal day tired, worn thin, and in a fog of almost being hungover. Now add in the aches and pains of swimming and playing too hard, and the medicine you are taking isn’t working but making you feel sick to your stomach. You go back and forth with hot flashes and cold shivers like you have menopause and a sunburn all in one. Then at the end of the day, after you managed to get as much done as you feel well enough to do, you drag yourself to that luscious bed that should feel like a cloud that came down from heaven and you lay down to sleep the sleep of the dead.

Except it doesn’t help.

Instead you wake up the next day even worse. It feels like when you have the flu and the aches and pains of having that illness still lingers and holds you down. You tossed and turned trying to sleep but you are still having hot flashes like a rushed fever only to throw off the blanket and realize its ice cold in the room. You experience this every single day. For a week. For a month. For a year. Maybe the rest of your life. No rest, or break. The most you feel is on your best days, you almost feel like you haven’t been run over by a car. You only got grazed and you have a few bumps and bruises instead. That is the best you can hope for in your life now.

I was speaking to a dear friend of mine this week and we were talking about rest. She said, “…some of the health people I have been following have said that we need to stop pushing through and just rest but when you have needs and you have people depending on you you don’t have that luxury. So it’s harder to heal.” My only response was, ” I think that people do not realize the luxury it is to do things, anything. And resting doesn’t help when you never get rest. It’s the same advise of “you’re depressed? Just stop being depressed and doing something happy.” Her gentle response back was “You understand.”

Telling someone with a chronic illness to take it easy or to just to take an extra break won’t help that person. Just taking a sick day to “get better” won’t change our lifestyle. People fail to see the chronic part of a chronic illness. We don’t just get rest. We can’t just get better.

We can’t just sleep.

#hugaplushie my friends.

There is no winning or losing.

I have been struggling with my mind as of recently. With all the negatives that I have faced these past few years, between illnesses and personal and mental issues, I have had a difficult time knowing how to respond. I find myself at some time during each day just wondering what I did to deserve this.

It is quite easy to say that I am just being bitter or focusing on the negative. Dwelling on the negative thoughts make they grow, this has been proven. I see trouble however when you have a mental illness that causes these negative thoughts and wrecks your emotional state. Fighting tooth and nail each day to remain positive or to be better is exhausting. When you add in me fighting my physical illness and a lot of judgement from other people who can’t see my sickness and you make for one depressing day.

In the midst of this hole that we end up in, it is no wonder we have the thoughts of “How have I messed up to end up here?” What mistakes are the ones that lead me to this day. How can I change? How can I be better? Why am I not better?

Why have I failed?

I am reminded of the attached quote from Star Trek. We see a hard truth. It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. This is not fair and it hurts. This however is life. Finding ourselves caught in a hopeless situation happens. We can be, at times but not all the time, perfect in what we do. We can still lose. It can still turn out wrong for us. I see us in these situations and it is in these moments that we are defined as a person. Are we emboldened and push forward? Do we collapse and weep at how we were wronged? It shows us who we are to the world.

I am still here. I am still fighting. I still stand. I hope you agree as well.

#hugaplushie my friends.

A new hope.

Even during the hardest of times, times of trials and hardships, I have been blindsided by how blessed I am. I have had my fair share of struggles and in doing so I have see so much good in the world. I have the ablility to do it. Even if it pains me.

Egg sellers for Easter on the side of the road have reminded me that I am doing well enough in my life. I have not been brought down to the point I have to sell thing s on the side of the road. I am able to support myself and I have found ways to get though almost anything that I am facing. On the days I am unable to do so, I have built a network of people to help me get through it.

I encourage you all, keep going. I believe in you and hope I can help share my strength to each and every one of you. Through the darkest, bleakest time of my life I am still pressing on. So many times I have almost quit and I didn’t. Let this post be a rallying cry for you.

Strength in numbers.

I share my stories and my life with you all and try to show that even in the worst of times, I have found ways to keep going. Share your story. Encourage someone as well. Comment where you see this. Share it with me or your friends. Do not hide yourself from the world. You deserve to be heard, loved, and respected.

Dear readers. I hope you see this post and feel uplifted. I hope you take 5 deep breaths and reset and center yourself. I hope you put on some of your favorite music and listen to a full song, uninterrupted, with your eyes close and sense peace. I pray that each one of you feel some comfort. It is what I can do from where I am.

#hugaplushie my friends

Short post in April

Being spring and having weather and pollen come through where I live makes for a unique challenge on a daily basis. The constant changing temperatures and pressure reek havoc on my body making it difficult to process all the new pain. I keep it short this post with a photo from the mighy.com on fibromyalgia. Keep chronic pain people in your mind with April being here.

#hugaplushie my friends

Trial by pain.

I will be at Texas Furry Fiesta on March 30th 2019 at 4:30 in the Bryan-Beeman Room. I will be giving my Stuffed Therapy panel. I look forward to meeting everyone there!

Pain is an incredible teacher. We learn so much from pain. We learn not to touch a hot pot when we burn our hand when we are young. When we skin our knees while skating, we learn the need for knee pads. We learn to be careful and cautious with other people when our heart is shattered by broken promises. But what do people with chronic pain learn, people who spend each day living and breathing pain of some sort? What about those with mental health issues who have the mental pain and anguish that plagues them day in and day out? This has been a struggle of mine to comprehend for the past several years. While I do not have an affirmative answer, I believe I at least have a few insights from my own personal experience and those around me.

I see those with a chronic illness and I see how their lives either are changed or how they stand out of the crowd. I see them to be the first ones to help those who have fallen physically or mentally. They are the first ones to offer a surgical mask they have in their purse to someone so they don’t get sick. They are the first to offer up a seat on a bus to someone who is struggling. They seem to be constantly aware of those around them who need help and are the first in line to offer it. Having been that person and spoken to others, this common theme arises. We understand that we have been in that situation and no one helped us. Instead of perpetuating the problem by ignoring it, we try our best to stand and make a difference. Some of the most kind and caring people are those who suffer the most.

It astounds me that more people do not do this. I struggle with not being able to help more people. I speak personally, but it is hard for me not to want to hold the door open for someone. I realize that not everyone thinks the same way I do. However, I see chronic illness sufferers be hyper sensitive about their surroundings. I believe it is part of our survival techniques in a way to keep going.

We can see this theme in metal health as well. We can look at suicides and celebrities and often Robin Williams will come up and there is still a feeling of shock. This man who suffered from some of the worse depression worked so hard to make other people feel better and to help them laugh. There are countless stories of him going above and beyond with the troops stationed around the world to bring them joy in the darkest places. Why is it that people who are suffering the most seem to be the happiest? How and why do they make others believe it so much?

From the research I have done, and from personal experience, people who suffer are trying to bring normalcy and happiness in others to improve their own environment. Sometimes when I am having a hard day, I start doing smaller acts of kindness to improve the everyday people in my life. I find myself and others giving more and more in an effort to show others how the world can be better. More often then not it falls on deaf ears, but we attempt to instill the change on the world we wish to see. We try and reap the rewards of doing a good deed and showing, mostly to ourselves, that the world is a good place.

While sometimes it is rewarding, it is always draining. Here lies a trap that I would caution those who do this. Energy can be taken or given. It cannot be destroyed, only changed (according to the first law of thermodynamics and Einstein). By giving our mental energy to others in an effort to improve our own moods, we losing what little we have left to sustain ourselves. We take our time to inject positivity in the world to show others that it can be a better place and show that people need help. We need to realize that we are using up what energy, mental and physical, that we have. We burn out faster and that leads to a terrible end result. This pitfall is one that can be avoided. A lesson that we need to take care of yourself before helping others.

I have learned this lesson in many hard ways. The pain that has come in my own life has been indescribable, both mentally and physically. I have learned and relearned this lesson many times. By fighting for those around me, I am not maintaining what my own body needs. After so much pain, I feel that I can use this lesson to help others. I know this can be seen as ironic as I am doing the same action I am advising against. While that can be true, I believe I am in a better place to share this lesson. Learn from my own and many other’s mistakes, do not force a change in other people in an attempt to improve your surroundings. You need to save some energy for yourself, taking time for yourself to heal and improve is needed.

Start with taking care of yourself and let that change and joy make the difference in the world.

#hugaplushie my friends