Crying

Its OK to cry.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 2 Comments

I cried today. It was not pretty. I had tears in my eyes and snot running out of my nose. I felt the build up to it most of the day. It was a wellspring of emotion that has been building for longer than I can remember. It took awhile to get to the surface and I found myself holding back. I did not want to cry and feel the liquids of sadness run down my face. I wanted to buck up and be a man. I wanted to hold it back and “be better”.

Not crying is not “being better.”

So much has happened in the last 5 years that has led to this build up:

My love was rejected and lost.

My children are gone most of the time from my life.

I have lived in 5 different places.

I have lost and gained employment.

My happily ever-after was trashed.

Life is stuck at home.

Death and sickness are all around.

People are tired, angry, fighting, politicized, and uncaring.

Kindness has left us and in its place is hate.

There is plenty of things to cry about.

Crying is freeing in part because it is your body making physical the emotions that are in your brain. It is not evil, as Gandalf would say. It is an outpouring of thoughts in a salty discharge. It hurts so bad inside and begs for release so it can be realized as a real, tangible thing. It is hard to hide crying. It forces you to deal with your current state of being. It breaks you down so you can eventually rebuild.

I look at the state of the world and I cry. I see so many people hurting others, so many others hating. Is there not enough pain in the world that we have to go out find more things to hurt others? Why has the love and peace been taken? There are plenty of things to cry about.

I invite those who need it to cry with me. I give no shame or evil to your need to cry. I join with you in a brotherhood of tears. If you need a sign that its ok to cry, this is it. Release some of the pain and suffering in your own life. Stop fighting the tears. It is ok to cry.

Wrapping this cry in a blanket and seeing that, once again, I must be strong tomorrow because it never stops coming, I look at anything and everything I do to make a difference. I help others and be kind. I say hello and open the door. I try with all my might to share that love and kindness I so desperately desire. We cannot find in the world what we do not give. I am not stopping what I do and how I can make a difference, no matter how small.

It has been a long 5 years…

I love each and every one of you. Thank you to those who were with me in my life, those that are here now and those that are not. I give you a rest stop to cry. It is ok. I will be here after.

#hugaplushie my friends

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Oh day of days.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 6 Comments

Crying. I am crying.

I can’t stop.

It is all my fault I feel.

I could have done something different. I could have been better. I should have been better.

I had a doctor’s appointment today to refill my medication because I literally ran out today. My last dose was this morning. My doctors appointment was scheduled and when I got to the office I was held up for paperwork in the main lobby. I was told I did not have to do any paperwork because I don’t have insurance it would be self pay. While waiting to get my paperwork the receptionist were talking and chatting so much that when another person came by they told them that they needed to finish up my paperwork so I could get to my doctors appointment. Because they took so long getting my paperwork to go see the doctor which I was not supposed to be doing anyway I ended up being 15 minutes late to my doctors appointment at which time I was informed that I was too late for my appointment and told to reschedule for next week.

I was in full panic mode.

Ask and then begged explaining that I had run out of my medication and that I needed to see the doctor and I was met with just a plain no from the nurse. I ended up barely talking to the receptionist asking if I could reschedule for later today or at least get a refill for the weekend until my appointment could be set.

I have to tell you that I was in shock the entire time. My body was numb and I just couldn’t believe that it would happen that way. My hands were trembling as I walked downstairs to the lobby and sat down to call my wife.

I had forgotten that I had to pay for parking and I left the only bank card with money on it at the moment at the house. Because I did not see the doctor I did not get my slip to cover for my parking and I did not have any money on me to pay for parking. Frantically I looked through all my pockets and found $0.71 in change I went and checked the parking charge and it was a dollar.

Defeat yet again.

I talk to my wife who was understandably furious at the situation and I tried to remain calm but I’m still in shock.

Somehow I just feel this is my fault I feel that I should have left earlier or done something different or ran to the appointment or hurried up the receptionist or anything. I know part of my problem is self-blame and in this situation I know while there’s only so much I can do I still feel it was my fault.

I am now sitting in my car across the street because of a very, very nice lady at the ticket counter let me go through without paying for parking. Small simple acts of kindness I think are going to save me as they do so many people.

Unfortunately while I’m trying to be very grateful for that wonderful act my body is still in full panic because I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this weekend and next week without my medication. Detox is not fun as a recorded here before and I’m not looking forward to doing that again. I am praying that my doctor cruise a small prescription so that I don’t run out again so I sit here and wait pleading, begging, praying for another miracle.

I’m hugging my pony very very tight right now.

image

I now ask for all my dear readers for your prayers and strength. I hate asking for things it’s a pride issue something that I need to get over but I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to make it through without a miracle.

I hope all of you are having a better day than I am.

Hug your ponies for me my friends.

Just a stone’s throw.

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I have not had a chance to write here in the past few days due to a medical complication. I managed to survive but it was not an easy ride. On this past Monday I was at work when I felt a slight pain at my side and the need to rush to the restroom. I sprinted (gently) to the room only to have the pain increase. I did my business and left feeling only slightly better. As I walked out of the room I was hit with some of the worse ( at this time) pain I had ever felt in my life.

I have had a kidney stone in the past. It was not a pleasant experience and I did not expect to repeat the performance. My colleges at work were extremely helpful and watched over me for about an hour until I could pull myself up off the floor. I was curled in the fetal position as I whimpered in pain. A completely helpless feeling.

I hate that.

I was driven home and crawled into bed on a heating pad. I was feeling better and could move around. I took it easy the rest of the day. And then the night came.

And also the pain.

I spent most of the night on the floor pleading with God asking for help. My cries of pain and agony woke my dearest wife. She sat helpless to help me as there was nothing she could do as this stone of great pain ripped through my body. When you have a kidney stone, you just try to find a position that relieves the pain some. Anything will help.

Hour upon hour passed until the dawn broke. Still the pain lasted. I sat on a heating pad for most of the day and drank as much water as I could. Pain came and went throughout the day but the evening came brought some relief. I had not seen the stone but I had hoped it passed. I ate some dinner (first real food I had eating besides a few small snacks). I felt well enough to hop on a video game and play with some friends. I had not been playing with them too long when once again I was struck with pain that overwhelmed the body.

Sweat and tears ran down my body. The agony had doubled and now there is no relief in sight. The hardest part is the fact there is no end. It is just constant pain. If it came in waves or if you could get a break (like I did during the daytime) I could have handled it much better. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but this broke me. I could not find relief. As a fever took hold of me, I stepped into the shower to cool my body and to help hydrate myself. Cool water washed over me, cooling me. it brought the pain down some. Some was the best I got.

Hour upon hour of straight agony is too much for anyone. I would not wish this upon my worse enemy. My body could not keep up with the pain. I threw everything I had eaten up in. Nausea washed over me. My stomach twisted with the rest of my body. No medication would stay down. Water that was drank would come up an hour later. I pushed and pushed trying, willing, pleading for the stone to move. Only one thing met me after each try.

More pain. More twisting.

Morning broke as I managed to grab about 20 min of restless sleep. After 12 straight hours of pain you would have hoped I would have passed out. I came to the realization that I would not be able to pass this without help. My wife and I went and dropped my daughters off with a friend. We then rushed to the ER. Agony was still my bedfellow as I was admitted. They gave me some heavy duty narcotics which, unfortunately, did not seem as heavy duty as they made them out to be.

And then the tests and scans came.

More meds and waiting followed.

After about 6 hours of being there, the doctor told me that I had mostly passed the stone and I was in the last stages of the process. She prescribed more meds for pain and to help push things along.

About an hour later I was the parent to a brand new kidney stone. I will never be able to truly put into words how painful and helpless it was. I did manage one picture (with a pony of course) that I will share. I hope you all have had a better time than I have this week. I will now go rest a body that is sore with muscles that should not be sore.

Hug a pony my friends. I now await my hospital bills…..

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The last day.

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My computer has been out of commission the last week or so. I have finally gotten back up and running and lo and behold, I am back to share my stores with you, dear reader!

It was my last day in retail. That in and of itself was a shock and change. I was busy most of the day handing off keys and getting the new manager set up with what he needed. I ended up saying goodbye to my staff and customers.

This was all made tougher as they decided to move my Assistant Manager to another store as well.

My staff was exceptionally kind to me. I was given several gifts (all ponies!!) and I was touched beyond words. Seeing the kindness that was given to me by someone, anyone else is always a shock for me. I honestly had trouble accepting it. I couldn’t say anything to them of course as I would never want to offend or upset anyone. Its just the thought of someone giving me something that I didn’t earn ( or felt I earned).

I was just being myself.

The day grew rougher as it seemed every person I had gotten to know as a regular at my store came. I call to mind two instances that broke me.

The first was a husband and wife who were not on the young side (or as they put it, “We are as old as dirt and then some!”). They were some of the few that did not make it in but I felt I needed to call them. The wife had been going through chemo for months and is still one of the most spunky, strong, and enduring person I have had the privilege knowing. Her husband was the Ying to her Yang. They would walk in the door and I would say the same thing each time.

“Here comes trouble.”

And there never was. They brightened every day I saw them and I will always remember them.

And then came the final customer of the day, and my career there.

To provide background on this transaction I will explain. I had a mom and daughter who would come in to shop with me. They had been shopping with me since the time I had moved to be a store manager. The daughter had a few mental disabilities but it didn’t stop her from being nice to everyone. The mom worked hard to make sure they had everything. I knew what games they played and what they would want before they stepped out of the car.

When I had first met them, the daughter was upset because she had seen quite a few people come through the store already. I took the time to explain who I was and let her know that I would be taking care of her and her mom. She got to know me and my family and never forgot to ask how my girls were doing.

Now some people saw her as a burden or a bother in the store (none of whom lasted long at my store). I made sure to take a bit of extra time with them so they were completely happy when they left my store.

Now back to the last day.

I was about to call this pair of favorites as I could not leave without saying goodbye. I was in my back room explaining to the new manger who they were and the special requirements they might need. I happened to look out of the corner of my eye to my security camera and saw them enter. I took a deep breath and asked the manager to follow me as I wanted to hand them off to him as it would help the transition.

The daughter saw me and lit up (as always) cheerfully calling out my name. I greeted her warmly and answered her questions about how I was doing and how my girls were doing. I said they were well but they were busy. She asked why and I told her that it was because it was my last day and I was having to move for family reasons.

She broke down crying in the middle of my store.

The other manager had to step away in an effort not to cry as well. She asked me why, and I explained it to her as best I could. She gave me a big hug, still crying. I told her she would be OK and that I was leaving a few people she knew. She told me that it wasn’t the same. I said that I knew but that she was going to be OK. She took me to her mom, still tears in her eyes and told her. Her mom was in shock. Slowly the daughter explained it to her and the mom understood. I took that moment to introduce them to the new store manager. He did a great job introducing himself and making a personal effort to let them know he was there for him. The daughter, then was drying her tears, comment on some of the pins on his lanyard. This was a sign for me that she was now thatching herself to him.

My heart almost broke in all this. I even for a moment questioned myself leaving, still knowing I had too. I rang them out for my last transaction. I then went to back room to collect myself.

This for me was why I did customer service. This is part of who I am. I have tried to show kindness and love to everyone.

And it hurts sometimes. If done right.

And that is OK.

I soon handed over my keys, clocked out, and said the last goodbyes to who was left. I will never forget my time in retail. I honestly believe that everyone should work a holiday in it to understand just how to treat other people. Life lessons that carry over to everything else.

Here’s to my staff and customers. I will never forget you.

Hug a pony my friends.

I want to thank Shop girl at http://shopgirlanonymous.com/ for all that you have done. It has been amazing working in retail at the same time as you. Sharing stories was always a favorite for me. If you hadn’t yet check out an amazing blog that I plan on still reading.

Break in the clouds.

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I know I have been posting on rough times and hardships. I can be rather depressing (comes with being depressed I suppose). I do want to share some good news and a joyous moment that I am still being moved by.

Our apartment is safe.

We talked to a lawyer and we were informed that we could not be forced to move or thrown out. In fact, if we had taken the offer of moving out early, we would have been liable for fines and penalties. We got the documentation we needed and spoke to our office. We managed to hold our composure and not yell and scream back at the trouble they have caused. It is just a relief to feel safe again.

We also managed to have a quick family time in which everyone got along. Over the past week, my daughters and I have been connecting and have been sharing in their lives. One of the things I used to be able to do was go on “Daddy dates”. These mini outings included going to park with and just one of them, getting an ice cream cone or bubble tea (if you don’t know what bubble tea is you are missing out).  These have been taken from me due to life and work.

And it has been hard.

So I found us a new activity. We have been watching the new Agents of Shield. My girls, like their father, have turned into a comic book fan and we have been wrapped up in the movies and the show. Seeing the wonder and awe in their eyes at the stories being told fills me with joy.

I get to share that.

I get to help them discover their joy.

We have had a few rough times as the show and the Marvel movies twist and turn. We gasp at the betrayals and cry at the sadness. In all of this, one thing shines through for me.

I get to be there with them.

I get to connect with them.

And this brings me much joy.

I will be hugging my ponies with my daughters tonight.

Thank you God.

Gone baby gone.

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I want laugh, cry, scream, and panic all at the same time. My emotions are such swirling cauldron of colours, it is hard to discribe. I really wonder if this is going to be thing to break me.

My apartment complex is trying to evict me from my home.

I have a lease until September. I have been a resident for almost 3 years. Except for one time 2 years ago, I have not been late and that one time I was a day late because I forgot to drop off the check on my birthday. I thought I was doing everything right.

But life sucks.

My complex has been renovating our apartments for awhile now. They started right after we resigned our lease last year. We asked if there was going to be an issue with another year long lease and we were told no problem.

Well it is a problem now.

The management staff have been pressuring me and my wife to either sign a new lease and move to a different apartment  (with a new deposit, more rent) or be moved out as soon as possible. We told them that we were not planning on moving until our lease was up in September. They told us that was good enough and that we had to be moved out sooner. We have been talking to them for weeks and they keep getting meaner.

Case in point.

I went in today to sign my 60 day notice of non-renewal for our lease termination. My wife had signed and I was told that I needed to sign. I went in and asked for the paperwork to sign and was told that it wasn’t an issue. I was then immediately asked if I was moving out. I told the manager not at the moment, but was wanting to sign the lease ending agreement. She looked at me and said that I needed to give them a date of when I was leaving. I said as of that moment, when my lease ended. She said that I needed to be out as soon as possible, tomorrow if I could.

I just stared at her.

No, I asked for my paperwork to sign and they told about have we have to abide by their schedule and we needed to be out so they can do work. I told her that as soon as I know something i would let her know but I was not leaving tomorrow. She rolled her eyes and gave me the paperwork, which I signed and then left shaking I was so angry.

I am not a violent person. I don’t like it. I was closer to being violent than I have ever been before. I felt humiliation, depression, worthlessness. What had I done wrong? Why am I being pressured to leave?

I don’t feel safe in my own home knowing that she will try anything to get me evicted.

I am scared my friends.

I may have no home in which to hug my ponies….

 

PS. They have invaded my home. I was on the couch with my daughters watching TV and I had a workman knock on my door. When I answered he said he was here to replace the door and tried to come inside. I asked what he was doing and he said that he had a right to do it. 

I am now inside my apartment with no front door (they are replacing it now) with so much noise I cannot think. I am scared of who could come in when I am not home. I am scared of my own residence.

I have contacted a lawyer and they said until the try and evict us, there is nothing they can do. I have looked for someone to contact about this whole matter and every number I call cannot help me or I am told to leave a message.

I end this with tears in my eyes….