Doctor

Doctor Redux.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility;
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger. . . .

Henry The Fifth, William Shakespeare.

This was my 30 day check up today. This was a day back to the doctor. I was feeling a bit nervous as most of you know, I had a bad reaction to when I ran out this last time.

I was not a pleasant person coming into this.

I had quite a few things to say to the doctor. I was hurt, I felt betrayed. The feeling of trust I had was gone due to the fact that I had been through one of the worse weekends in a long while.

I was a bit nervous at first but it has gotten easier talking to her about everything. I explained everything I had been through and what dose I was taking. She agreed that it had been helping and that she say a difference.

So now, here I am with a 3 month supply and hope in my heart that I now have ally in this fight against my depression.

And I still have a pony to hug.

Anxiety now?

/ Codefreak / 14 Comments

So I have been on medication for almost 2 weeks now. I have been without pain from the day I started.

It has felt amazing.

My headaches have not been there. My back is loosening up. I have slept well. This isn’t to say I haven’t had a few side effects but overall, it has gone well.

And of course, today happened.

I have been running low on my medication. I have been meaning to call the doctor and talk to her about as I will run out before I will see her again. I called to get a refill and found out she had not prescribed one.

Ok no big deal.

I call my doctor’s office and ask to see if I could get another refill on it and they readily agreed. They told me they would talk to the doctor, and they would be contacting the pharmacy.

That was yesterday.

Today, I had not heard from the pharmacy. I called the automated line and it kept saying that it had not been filled. Getting anxious, I decided to call the pharmacy. I was not prepared for the quick conversation that followed.

“Yes I am calling about my prescription refill.”

“Name, Date of birth”

I replied with the correct information.

“Ah yes sir. I see that this was a prescription that did not have a refill. The doctor has informed us that this will be the LAST time we will be refilling this prescription. We will not do this again.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your prescription was refill will be done in an hour please come by to pick this up then. Thank you”

*click

I was stunned. I have never had a refill for this before. Heck, I have never had this medicine before.

I felt Ashamed and embarrassed. What had I done to be treated like a drug addict? Why was this said to me? Was my doctor mad at me? Did they think I was abusing my dose?

It was this downward spiral was further pushed down due to me being late on my medication. I had not had a panic attack in a while but this started a mild one for me. The feeling that I was alone and that no one believed that I needed to take my medicine. This is what had kept me from going to the doctor for many years along with the lack of courage to admit I had a problem and the willingness to do something about it.

This did quite a number to that.

I have talked to a few friends of mine and was told by a few that I was treated not only poorly but that this could be major violation. I have calmed down, and taken my meds.

I will be hugging a pony tonight.

Aftermath

/ Codefreak / 2 Comments

I felt like a kid in that doctors exam room. I let things out like I have never have before. I couldn’t speak at times because speaking would be admitting I had a problem. I push the words out as best I could. I held and stroked my little Fluttershy so hard, I felt as if I would rub a hole through her.

The doctor was patient and took her time. I told her I was not a fan of doctors and told her why. She agreed with me that I would have no reason to trust doctors after what I had been through. She told me my options and prescribed some medication for the pain/depression and recommended therapy.

The first day after was great. I had lived so long with the pain that I had no idea what it was like to not have it anymore. It was almost intoxicating. To move and walk and talk without pain or to not have that constant ache that wears me down. It was beautiful.

Then came the next day.

I started off with a headache and took my pills and waited.

And waited

And waited

After the 2nd hour it was getting a little fuzzier but still that constant ache was like a faded memory. Soon after another side effect kicked in.

I itched.

I itched all over.

I ended up scratching and rubbing my nose so much, I looked like a crackhead. Did not help improve my mood.

Then today happened.

I went into work after a VERY rough night of me or the wife not sleeping and started going through my routine. Everything was going good until I opened and 7 different groups of people came rushing in. I spent the next hour being yelled at, screamed at, threatened, cursed out and treated like less than human.

Not a good day.

I will say the medication was nice in the fact that I could roll it off my shoulders for the most part but at the end of the day, I still went home with that same disappointing sadness and depression that I have known all too well.

Still, I will press on. I am going to try and relax and let this work. I am only 3 days in and have about a month to go. I can only hope that I can get better.

Hug a pony my friends. It may be the only thing going for you at the moment, but grab anything that can help.

Day zero.

/ Codefreak / 1 Comment

I am writing this post in a few separate days as I wont to document my self and questions and thoughts that I am having without having to post it just yet. I feel that doing this will help me get through this week or at least these past few days.

48 Hours remaining:

I am laying in my bed and I can’t sleep. I go to the doctor on in three days for depression. I had swore to myself I would never take any drugs or do therapy with a psychiatrist. I don’t want some head doctor who gets kickbacks from Zoloft to recommend the latest, greatest pill popping solution. I have never felt fear about this like this before. Thoughts race through my head.

What if I get taken away?

What will happen to me?

Will it change me?

How will it change me?

I don’t want to give up my ponies.

Will my friends and family still recognize me?

It wasn’t until about a month ago that I was talking to a friend while working at a convention that I realized what my fear is. It is not the drugs per se, like I thought it was. It was the fear of being fixed. It is the fear that “Yes, I am not well” It is hard to acknowledge that you are broken.

I am still scared.

24 hours remaining:

I am in pain.

I find this a good thing. It is odd but whenever I plan on getting help is when my body starts to do better and makes me second guess myself about seeing a doctor about anything. I got the call to confirm the appointment tomorrow.

I confirmed.

I have had such a rough day. I was woken up by an alarm call at my store at 1 am, requiring me to go check it out. I was trying to go to bed early because of meetings all day the next day. I sat in over 8 hours of meetings, along with a 2 hour car ride to get to said meeting and back. My body has been through so much stress with this meeting (lots of work changes) and with seeing the doctor tomorrow. I have been just holding on.

And then, life happens.

We are during our lunch break when my boss comes up to me and asks if I remember an old coworker. I told him I did but that I hadn’t seen him in about 2 years. My boss gave me his phone and said read this. I read through some messages from an old manager peer who was informing my boss that the employee I knew had committed suicide last week. He had sent pictures from the funeral.

That kinda tumbled my day the rest of the way down the drain.

I am now home, resting, waiting.

This final day of waiting…

Day zero:

I awoke to a knot of anxiety in my chest. Cold sweets and pain are my bed fellows. I have a few hours left. Even now i second guess myself. My throat and mouth are cotten dry. My back aches and groans.

And yet, I still wonder if I should see the doctor.

I am still emotionally with friends who are reeling from the lost of one of us. We all talked about how fine he was when we last saw him.

Suicide is never painless.

Zero hour:

I am in the waiting room. They have just taken my paperwork. There were several times I almost turned around driving here.

My arms locked on the steering wheel.

My breath is erratic.

I am beyond stressed.

Oh, my dear foe. We meet again.

I promise myself, I will not cry.

We have done this dance for 15 years. At last, we will see if I can get some help.

It is time. They have called me. My last feeling is:

Too many to describe. I thought i could find one but i can’t.

Hug a pony my friends. I know mine is clutched tight. I will see you in the aftermath.