Emotional

I wish I had Cancer

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Cancer is a disease that people can relate to and under. The causal head nod, followed by the “I’m so sorry” makes it so people understand that something serious is going on. People hear it and recognize that a person is going through one of the most difficult things to go through. One of our closest family friends is a cancer survivor. Eight years ago she got a terminal diagnosis. She says her first thought was “Thank God it’s cancer and not depression.”

Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses don’t carry that same weight. People don’t understand and cannot see the changes. Family, friends, and even doctors all look at you and say “It is all in your head”. While they are not false, this makes it seem like I have the ability to change my illness and “Just feel and act better and you will BE better”. It is easy to forget that these illnesses can be just as deadly.

Here are some statistics on depression/suicide.

  • Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC)
  • The suicide rates decreased from 1990-2000 from 12.5 suicides per 100,000 to 10.4 per 100,000.  Over the past decade, however, the rate has again increased to 12.1 per 100,000. Every day, approximately 105 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)
  • There is one death by suicide in the US every 12.3 minutes. (CDC)
  • Depression affects 20-25% of Americans ages 18+ in a given year. (CDC)
  • Suicide takes the lives of over 38,000 Americans every year. (CDC)
  • Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment. (NAMI)
  • 80% -90% of adolescents that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully using therapy and/or medication. (TADS)
  • An estimated quarter million people each year become suicide survivors (AAS).
  • There is one suicide for every estimated 25 suicide attempts. (CDC)
  • There is one suicide for every estimated 4 suicide attempts in the elderly. (CDC)

With all this data, why is there such a stigma around mental and neurological disorders? Why are people so quick to judge? Why is it so hard to believe it IS all in my head due to my head having an illness.

It is frustrating trying to explain why you can’t focus on the happy. Your mind looks and seeks the flaws. You go and find thinks to fill the gaps in your day so the anxiety doesn’t catch up to you. You just try to stay ahead of the wave that is threatening to drown you.

And people stare at you.

They wonder why you are so different. They wonder why you can’t just feel better. They just want you to be normal. They are tired of you and all the baggage that you carry. They get tired of you and how you act.

Believe me, if I could just “Man up” and be a better person, I would have done it years ago.

No, I would never want or wish on anyone cancer. It is a terrible disease and I am glad so much time and research goes into it. I just want people to understand that mental health issues can be just as dangerous and deadly. Keeping people’s mental state in order so they can live better lives should be a focus for everyone.

I’ll step off my soapbox now.

#hugapony

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A-kon panel #2

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My second A-kon panel was not an easy one. I was part of a group that spoke on invisible diseases and disabilities. I was asked several months before, if I wanted to be a part of it. I jumped at the opportunity to speak. Unusual for a introvert like me. I, however, know that I have a way with words and thoughts and feelings. I know I can help people.

That I have, indeed, helped people.

We all gathered in a panel room, all unsure of what to expect. The room was almost filled. We sat down and our head panelist called everyone’s attention.

And we talked.

We, as the panelists, gave our stories. We gave our backgrounds and our illnesses. We gave our experiences. As our stories were told, I ended up passing some of the ponies I carry on me (my talisman against the evils of depression and anxiety) up and down the panel line to help every get through their stories. We gave a piece of ourselves to the crowd.

And they responded.

I do not believe there was a dry eye in the room. I saw some people get up and leave, only to come back with tissues.

Some cried for us. I had a close friend who said they could only see us as people she couldn’t help and wept. She had me in tears when I talked to her afterward. This kind and loving soul said she just wanted to give us all a big hug and make everything better.

Some cried with us. Some in the audience stood up to thank us. They were amazed that we had the courage to speak. They said they didn’t feel alone any more. We all were in a room that was a safe place, and the audience opened up.

It was awe inspiring.

After the panel the crowd came up to talk to each of us. Some wanted to know more of what we do to work through our illnesses. Others to reach out with encouragement. One will forever stick in my mind.

I have a wonderful young lady come up to me and thank me for speaking. She told me she had been fighting her own anxiety that day and had almost left several times, but she wanted to attend our panel. She said she was so glad she did. I thanked her for coming and started talking about what she had been through. She started to cry as I could see her beating herself up for having the anxiety but she didn’t know what else to do. She had nothing to help her.

She didn’t have a talisman against the dark.

I pulled out my mini Fluttershy and handed it to her. She took it as she wiped away tears. As she started to calm down, I asked her if she had heard of stuffed therapy. She said she had during my presentation but didn’t know much more than that. I told her that the plushie she held was the first step in helping. I showed her how much she had calmed down just by holding it and petting it. I showed her a weapon to fight with.

And I gave her my talisman.

The room stopped. Many there knew my symbol of stuffed therapy. Some knew it was my first plushie in this adventure. They knew it was my mini Fluttershy, and how special it was to me. Tears started to flow from my friends who were still in shock.

This wonderful person who clutched at the plushie started crying and hugged me tight. She thanked me over and over. She took a step back and looked at Fluttershy again. As she looked, I explained that that was my first plushie. I told her that I had it when I first went to the doctor. She look on in shock as I explained how much love and help that mini had given me. Shock then spread to the rest of the room as everyone saw me tell her that I wanted this dear girl, who was suffering, that I wanted her to take care of Fluttershy.

She broke down crying and hugged me again even tighter.

I said a quiet goodbye to one of my dearest friend who brought me so much strength and love. I passed her on to the next person to take care of her. I strengthen someone else to help them through life. I started to cry myself.

Everyone started to cry.

I am tearing up thinking about it now. I wonder how she is doing? I wonder how her mini Fluttershy is doing? I wonder if I helped enough?

I believe I did.

Goodbye once more, my dear friend. May you bring happiness and peace and love and joy to another as you did me. You were there for countless panic attacks. You were with me at my first doctors visit. You were there in the hospital when I was sick. You were there in the lowest times of my life. May you do well and do the same for her.

#hugapony my friends.

Post A-kon Report

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I had a time. It was grand and terrifying. I worked longer and hard than at any other convention I had ever attended. I worked with some of the most amazing people. I cannot thank them enough.

I had a chance to be a part of two fantastic panels. I plan on sharing my thoughts on those in my next post. There was so much fun to be had and many a tear shed in one.

I even gave away something very dear to me.

I am trying to recuperate and get rest while getting ready to move again. I want to thank all of you who read this and follow me on this journey. I checked my twitter and I had over 95,000 impressions in 28 days with a one day of 33,000 impressions as a top day for me. I am humbled beyond reason.

Thank you and love to you all.

Second Prances

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This is a quick post as life has turned VERY busy. I love writing in this blog and I have so many posts to finish but I am having to put this further down on the list. I was given a second chance at a job that I had applied for here recently. I am hoping it doesn’t error out on me again causing me to fail. My dearest wife has started a second job (YAY!) meaning I have more time at home with the kids.

#stayathomeDAD

I want everyone to know I am alive and well and even more amazingly, I am hopeful. It is rare that I get this way. It is very fragile and I hold hope very dearly. It can be strong and powerful if it comes to life for me. Until I have a chance to post what I have and life gets uncrazy, please stand by.

#hugapony

#stuffedtherapy

PS Yes I stole all the title from the most recent My Little Pony episode. I hope you bronies who follow caught that.  Hasbro please don’t sue me 🙂 

Hill climbing.

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I have had a bad week. I hit chronic pain levels I had not hit in a long time. My body hit a new bottom, ending with me being hit with a case of acid reflux so bad I had fluids coming out of both ends of my body. Not the pretty picture you want to read with your morning coffee I am sure.

But hey, chronic living is not pretty life.

I do want to say that when these dips and valleys in life hit, it becomes hard to post and to replay to people. Real life friends and blog commentators all seem to fall to the wayside. That further deepest the pit of despair that someone like me lives in. My bottom hit with me coming home after a very long day and going to straight to my bed, covering up in a My Little Pony blanket, grabbing my favorite plushie, put on a headset to block out all sound, and played music I know that helps calm me down. It took over 2 hours to get to a point to speak again. I remember clutching the headset to clamp it down over my ears to make sure all I heard was the music. It was my recovery time.

I started to try and pull myself out of the valley the next day when I was hit with the sickness that let me in bathroom for hours. Dehydration was the next thing to hit followed by the severe headache from not have the water in my system. I looked to my promise of making this year the best I have had in a while.

I looked for joy in others.

I saw my good friend just started on the road to starting his own business.

I saw my brother compete in his new sports car in a slalom event and hearing him giggle as he sped his car through the track.

I looked to my roommate who got a new mattress for his room and cleaned out all the old junk and is starting fresh.

I took the joys of others and I pressed forward. It was then that I got news for myself.

A job opportunity.

I found a part time position (10-20 hours a week) that I can work from home on my computer. This will allow me to still homeschool and watch my daughters, let me keep babysitting my friends 2 year old during the week, and I wont have to take up the vehicle so my wife can continue to pursue her dream of being the breadwinner and keep her business going.

Talk about a break.

Now I still have tests to pass and get the little details worked out but I have gotten my foot in the door and am at least going to be given the opportunity to help out the family more. My prayers could be answered in this.

I still have a few major items, like finding a new place to stay in a month, make enough money to pay the bills, and find (also afford) another car, but I have at least gotten a foothold in the hill climb to get me out of a pit I have been in for several years now.

Is the light up there really reachable?

Time will tell. I will keep climbing and grasping for the light.

#stuffedtherapy

#hugapony

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The Reichenbach Fall

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all_shades_of_fluttershy_by_nettrip-d6b2nkc

I have worked hard these past few weeks to be more positive. I have tried to fight my depression and work through my anxiety when it rises. I have toiled and fought through in trying new things. I have helped quite a few people in this time. I appreciate all those who have messaged me and told me I had helped you. My medications have helped buffer the lower moments. So much going right.

And so much going wrong.

I have been putting the positive face on for a while now. I want to apologize for not being as open and honest with you, dear reader, as I should have been. I have put my faith and hope that I can do things and have problems work out. They have not worked.

And it has been a millstone around my neck.

I am currently trying to find another place to live as I am moving in May. I have been trying to find a job that I can do that does not interfere with my watching my daughters, homeschooling them, babysitting a little boy, and taking care of the house. I have started to look for some writing jobs even, as I believe I have done well on this blog. It just seems that life starts to fray apart instead of staying together.

My days of pain and sadness are slowly seeping in and I am trying to hold back the tide. I am just needing life to break free in just one area. I just want one personal problem to be resolved in a positive manner.

I have the inner fear of what effects this has on my family. My daughters already look into how stressed me and my wife are at times and they react to it. I already see my eldest daughter starting to face the anxiety demons that I have faced in the past. While I am glad I am there for her and can help her through it, it is still a burden.

I am doing my best to remain positive. I hope to continue to write and maybe get a job writing full-time. This blog is a place for me to share and vent. I hope to have better news in the future.

Until next time.

#hugapony

Stealing Joy

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I have teased this post enough and I hope it helps others and it has helped me. 

I have had a unique opportunity to enjoy three different events that I would not previously been able. These events have been documented in the last three blog posts, but I will summarize and detail why I would not attend them in the first place.

  1. The Zoo Run: I am not a morning person. I had to wake up myself, and the family at 6:30 am  to attend. I also do not like to run, or in this case walk, any distance.  Combine that with my anxiety in crowds and this was not where I wanted to be.
  2. The theme park: I normally enjoy theme parks when it is not a busy day, but in this case it was “Bring a Friend free” day. The park was PACKED with people. Lines to get food were an hour and a half long. Crowds we know are an issue so that was not fun. This was immediately following the zoo run so I had already walked 5k so what is another 10 for my legs?
  3. Wrestlemania. OK, I have not watched wrestling since I was a kid in the 90’s. This was one that was WAY outside my comfort zone. A friend called me last minute and asked me to go. I am not a last minute guy by any means. Crowds, loud noises, and sweaty men grappling each other are not my cup of tea. I had no vested interest in going.

Why did I do all these events?

For joy.

More specifically, the joy of others.

I made a mental decision to go to all these events not for me but for those around me. My family loves going to the zoo and we had friends who went with us. My daughters love going to the theme park as my youngest was able to ride more rides as she was taller this trip. My friend wanted someone to share the Wrestlemania experience. These were all acts the brought joy to others.

And in doing so gave joy to me.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and shared in the experiences. I grasped the joy that came off my family and friends and held it close. I used their joy to inject some back to me.

I stole their joy to increase my own happiness.

These are things, as I have said, I would not do under normal circumstances. However, I felt compelled to do them. I was presented with the option of doing or not doing these activities. Instead of my usual “Thank you, but no” response, I decided to take a risk.

And it paid off.

During the Zoo run, I was able to get my exercise, increasing blood flow and help fight off depression. I got to laugh at the crazy costumes with those around me. I got to see my daughters running and chasing their friend while their mother and I gasped for air at running to keep up with them. I got to see the wonderment that came across their faces when we got to the Zoo portion and the joy fill their bodies when they got to see lions and tigers and bears (oh my!). I felt fantastic at the joy around me.

At the Theme park, I was able to again see the excitement on the faces of the children (both mine and their friends) as we got to go on roller coasters and merry-go-rounds and log flumes. The ear piercing screams were a bit much but were almost magical in and of themselves. They laughed at the excitement and cried out in terror. The second to last ride of the day was my eldest daughters “Favorite ride ever daddy!”. More joy to seep myself with.

Wrestlemania was one were I did not have my family, only a good friend. Instead of just one person, I was swept up in the 100,000 people cheering, booing, laughing at the antics in the ring. Seeing everyone hiss and boo as the wrestler with a bad reputation comes strolling into the ring with a unique unification that amazed me. I had one little boy break down crying in front of me as his favorite fighter lost while his sister put her arm around him to comfort him. It didn’t last though, because by the next match the action was back again and the crowd was cheering. While I knew almost nothing about who was who or what was going on, the excitement was infectious. The joy of people enjoying themselves was thick in the air. I drank it in, stealing a part of it for myself.

As a known introvert, it was difficult to say yes to these events. I am more at home with a good book and a nice cup of tea or coffee. I made that decision to break me out of my comfort zone, some of which was with less than 12 hours notice, in order to find the joy I was lacking in myself.

So I ask, dear reader, are you lacking in joy? My pastor defined Joy as something that wells up inside us and is a consistent. Happiness can come from joy, but it will fade and leave emptiness. Words I took to heart when setting this up. I was seeking joy. And I found it.

In places and activities I would never have gone too.

When was the last time you took that plunge? When was the last time you said yes to something that you could do but you really just didn’t feel like it? You can come up with excuses. You can go and be a grouch and ruin not only your joy but others also.

Or.

You can go and look for the joy in places you didn’t expect. Try and seek it out. Judge not o, least ye be judged. Someone is having fun. Share in that fun. Someone is experiencing joy. Steal some of that joy for yourself.

You may be surprised at what you find with an open mind and a willing spirit.

Oh, and bring your plushie. I had several times I needed a moment to fight the anxiety, but the willingness and the strength I got using my talisman helped me through it.

#hugapony my friends. Go find joy.

#stuffedtherapy

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Jumping in the ring.

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Teaser #3 for the up coming post Stealing Joy.

I am not a wrestling fan. I haven’t watched wrestling since the 1990’s. I have not been inclined to keep up with it. So when the opportunity came along when a friend asked me to go to the biggest wrestling match of the year, Wrestlemania©,  I was honestly expecting myself to decline.

Instead I said yes.

And what do you know I had fun.

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I will now complete my writing of “Stealing Joy”

#hugapony

#stuffedtherapy

 

One day at a time Ralph.

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Wreck It Ralph. A wonderful Disney movie (which I love) that is about a video game character (another thing I love) that is depressed with his life (something I do not love but I live with). The main character, Ralph, is told to take it one day at a time. One day at a time is a wonderful view to take.

And something I have been trying to do this new year of 2016.

https://mystuffedlittletherapy.com/2016/01/16/staying-upbeat/

I made a vow at the beginning of the year to make 2016 a great year (I posted the link above). I am determined to do what I can to be positive. As I have a tendency to look at the bleak side of life, my wife often reminds me that you find what you expect to find. If you look for the bleak side of life, then that is what kind of life you will get.

I have had a very rough week this last week. I have felt more than beaten down than I have in a while. I shut down and didn’t talk almost at all on Easter Sunday. I normally would take time in this post to reveal what happened to me, how I handled it, and tell everyone to hug a pony for me.

Hold on to your hats, because I am not going to do that.

I am instead going to focus on the positives that have happened.

  1. I have moved to better place due to an amazing friend who opened his home to me and my family. He is one of the nicest, Godliest person I have known.
  2. I have been in better health than I have been in a long time. My medications have been working great so I have had some extra help to combat my deepening bouts.
  3. My girls are doing great at being homeschooled. I have been told that I have been a great teacher to them and they seem to be enjoying having me at home.
  4. I have been able to support my wife, to the envy of many other wives, with keeping the house clean, doing laundry, and keeping up with the home.
  5. I had a great birthday with amazing friends and family. They threw an amazing My Little Pony themed birthday and they jumped in with me in celebrating.
  6. I have made my blog a .com. I have been getting more mail about “starting” a business.
  7. I have had more interest in my blog from many different sources. I am waiting for more of these to come to fruition, but the uptick in interest has kept mine.

So there you have it, I am still fighting the fight even at the bottom of the valley. I hope this encouraging blog post helps people. Please sound off when you read this, on my blog, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, parcel post. Let encourage me as I hope I have encouraged you.

#hugapony