feelings

Sara-hah-oh?

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I have been seeing a lot of friends who have been using the private messaging thing that has been so popular around here lately. I have nothing against anyone who uses it. Seeing professions of love and hate spew forth makes it interesting to see. Trying to find out who these lovers/haters are have been driving some people to go to great lengths to find out who it is.

The thought had crossed my mind to try it out but I would rather tell you all to your faces and would rather people tell me to my face what we actually think. Honesty is better in my opinion. I would rather say to your face what I think about you. If you want honesty, you will get it. My family has a saying, “If you want my opinion on something, we will ask you 3 times. Each time we will ask ‘Are you SURE you want my honest opinion?’ ‘Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear or do you want to hear my honest opinion.'” We will give it, whether you like it or not.
I will say this.
I love you all and think each one of you is special. If you are reading this blog you are important to me. If you want more details just ask and I will tell you. I will give you all the information I know about you, and I will be honest, if you want me to be. Wherever you see this, ask and I will give you what I think.
I would love to hear from all of you about what you think of me. Good, bad, ugly. I would rather see people for what they actually think of me and not what people show me. I am a big boy, I can handle it.
If we had a bit more honesty in the world, maybe it would not be such a bad place.
May your day be great and may your coffee cup never be empty.
#hugapony my friends
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Self care day 9:Writing people

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Thank you for joining me on the grand undertaking. There is going to be a lot of work for me and  I hope to be able to keep up. Please make sure to comment, share and follow along as I share some simple things to better your life!

I remember being at Disney World as a child and I had just met a kid from England. We had run into his family in the parks all day and everyone ended up leaving at the same time. Right before we left, he and I exchanged addresses and became pen pals. It was so cool for a much younger me to receive a letter from “across the pond”.

Physical mail can be joyous.

There was a time when I was ecstatic to get mail. My mom would send me to our mailbox at the end of the driveway (1/4 mile driveway one way) and I would walk, bike, or even drive to go get the mail. Seeing a letter addressed to me was like Christmas.

Now days, I look at the mail and see bill after bill. Occasionally I will see a birthday card but most of what I receive is negative. What can we do to change that?

As someone once said, “You have to write them to get them.”

When was the last time you wrote a letter (not an email)? When was the last time you used a stamp? Letters have a physical property that digital does not. We see movies like Harry Potter and we all want a quill and an owl to send to others. Why don’t we do it more?

Is all it takes is to get a calligraphy pen or quill?

Imparting yourself on a page is freeing and scary. As someone who writes online and shares my life with many others, it can be terrifying putting yourself out there. It can be difficult. Topics and subjects can be difficult to come up with, it takes time and effort.

But the results can be astounding.

Being able to free up brain space by putting it down on a page is a release. Sharing with others your story is reaffirming. Inspiring others to do the same can make you feel ecstatic.

And if it goes great, they write back.

And then you have a positive reason to check the mail.

Sometimes helping yourself comes from helping others and sometimes you don’t even have to leave your room to do so. It can all come from a letter.

#hugapony my friends.

Self care day 5:Cookie monster

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 1 Comment

Thank you for joining me on the grand undertaking. There is going to be a lot of work for me and  I hope to be able to keep up. Please make sure to comment, share and follow along as I share some simple things to better your life!

I am not a big sweets eater. I have been known to only eat a small amount of desserts most of the time. I cannot stand Oreo cookies (egad the horror!). But I cannot deny the small of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies as one of the best smells in the whole world.

Whether its memories of being at grandma’s house or a certain time of year like around Thanksgiving, the smell of cookies baking is amazing. Researchers have said smell is one of the most powerful memory triggers. The Fifth Sense tells us:

The sense of smell is closely linked with memory, probably more so than any of our other senses.  Those with full olfactory function may be able to think of smells that evoke particular memories; the scent of an orchard in blossom conjuring up recollections of a childhood picnic, for example.  This can often happen spontaneously, with a smell acting as a trigger in recalling a long-forgotten event or experience.  Marcel Proust, in his ‘Remembrance of all Things Past’, wrote that a bite of a madeleine vividly recalled childhood memories of his aunt giving him the very same cake before going to mass on a Sunday.

Now, while we know the smell of cookies very well, we also know the time, effort, and skill it requires to make that delicious cookie. I myself, while a small talented baker, sigh at the thought of making such a mess in the kitchen. So instead, find a place that delivers cookies.

My daughter watches more cooking shows than I knew existed and one of the coolest shows I saw was when they showed people who started a bakery and they delivered soft warm cookies to the doorstep. They showed how they slow bake them so when they arrive at your doorstep, the cookies are “fresh from the oven”.

I did a quick search of my local area (Dallas, Tx) and found MANY places that deliveries cookies. Think of being at work and having cookies delivered to you. I dare say that most of your coworkers will be jealous (order enough to share!).

The best thing I saw was a spot on Insomnia Cookies. They are a baking company that ships cookies around the US and the local bakeries were shown to deliver cookies until 3 AM!! The thought just made my mouth water.

Cookies can be fantastic. Valentines day is coming up. Why not “treat yourself”, aka Parks and Rec style, and get yourself some cookies. Put a smile on your own face.

And hey send me some cookies while you are at it. Regular chocolate chip. I’ll wait.

#hugapony my friends.

Happy Holidays

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Winter has come and brought its dark skies and cold nights to us. In this time of joyous celebration and hot cocoa, Let us all take some time to pay attention to those around us who may need some help. From single mothers and divorced dads, to those who illness is worsened by the cold, to the quite children who don’t get swept up in all the bright festivities. Someone will be in your life that will need a little encouragement.

It amazes me that so many people can go through life and not realize what or who is around us. I watch as people ignore anything that does not pertain to them. Working retail makes this abundantly evident as people respond to your greetings with abrupt dismissal. We become so focused on what are doing, who do we need presents  for, how am I going to make all the parties that we tend to not see those of us who need help around us. In this spirit of giving and merry making, we miss those who are not able to enjoy the holidays.

I encourage all of us to go forth and find someone to help this holiday. It could be the single mother with 3 kids who just needs a night off. It could be the recently divorced dad who isn’t going to be able to spend time with his kids for the first time. It could be the person with the illness who cant make it to that party they always used to enjoy. Chances are I have described someone you know. You are thinking of them right now.

Act on that.

Stop doing things.

Start on being this holiday.

#hugapony

PS I have not had much time to write and for that I apologize. I have my next few posts planned to carry me into the new year. Thank you all who read this blog. As a reward, a small comic i found that speaks to me in so many ways.

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Truth and Vindication.

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It has been a couple weeks from my last post. I have struggled greatly at what I have wanted to do next. I have thought long and hard about continuing my blog and how I help others. I thought upon my own condition and the battles I have fought. My own demons have been at battle in my body in my own mini civil war. I have been seeking answers for several years now.

And now I had them.

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Knowledge is a double-edged sword.

I have something I can look in the eye and know what I am battling. I have official paperwork and can show people that yes I am sick. I have been examined by a medical professional and have been given the answer. I can proceed on to the next steps and, hopefully, get the proper help.

It also cuts me deep. I cannot deny or excuse myself. I have to admit to myself that “Yes, I am sick.” I was not as prepared for the answer as I thought.

In some small part, I must have even had doubts myself. Who wants to admit to themselves they are broken? It goes to show that even I had doubts about myself. No one is safe from their own inner voice.

I am broken.

And that has to be OK.

I feel like I have run one of the biggest marathons in my life. I have worked hard at research into what is wrong with me. Consulting my doctor, friends, and family for information. I have used my unknown to help countless others. It has been the fuel to drive me to reach my hand out and pick people up. Now that I have the answer, am I out of gas? How do I go on from here? What changes now?

I have spent 2 weeks trying to answer these questions. I am no closer to a solution than I was then. But, I have not thrown in the towel.

Where one journey ends, another begins.

I find myself confused at the finish line I crossed. I feel like I stumbled through the tape and am now in a daze. My journey has been about answers for myself and others. Now instead of seeking answers, I will be looking for help and treatments. I will be walking down a slightly different path. A new race has begun.

I hope you all can join me on this journey.

May all your plushies get hugs.

Positive Power Thinking

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It has been hard to stay positive in the past few weeks. With the hate going on for the election from almost everyone, to the pain of life and body with me personally, to the fears of issues with my car and apartment, it has all been trying to distract me. Being focused on the positive has been exceptionally difficult.

But I have been here before.

I know this walls and darkness.

I can do better now.

One of the positives of coming off one of medications is my brain fog has lifted greatly. This has given me the ability to focus and think much more clearly for the first time in almost 2 years. I am not saying I haven’t been myself in that time, more of, I can do so with much less effort. I have always considered myself intelligent, and have been told so by others much more intelligent than I, and I feel like that part has been robbed from me in this time. Now it has taken quite a bit more to do my pain management as it takes a lot out of me to focus on not letting it effect my life. It is nice switch from focusing on my mind and thoughts to focusing on my body.

Looking ahead I have felt with the upcoming holidays, the presidential election and the results, and some more conventions, I am looking into spreading that positive thinking and prayer onto other people. In these times of holidays and the winter months, depression and loneliness can come over everyone. I am looking into a project that I have wanted to do for awhile.

It is no small task however.

I am wanting to go through my friends list on my personal social media sites, the email list of this blog, and all other outreaches I can and write at least one letter telling that personal that they are special and loved and that I am thinking and praying for them. I want to spread more love and joy to others.

And this is on top of my life, work, and writing on my blog.

However, I think the results would be more than worth it.

I am so thankful for what I have been given in my life. Yes, I write about my hard times and troubles here on my blog, but this is a great place to vent and to show others they are not alone in hardships or so that they know what someone living with invisible disabilities goes through. I have tried to show the opposite side of the coin and show the life and joy that can be had in spite of these trials. I have tried to bring something positive into this world.

I am trying my best to have an impact on this world, at least those in my reach, and be the most wonderful person I can be.

I ask you all, dear readers, that if you want to be part of my and joy making, I would ask you join the email list on my blog, follow my twitter or you can leave a message on this post or any others. I will see and respond. I will keep all information confidential, unless you say I can share it with others.

Lets bring back love for each other. Lets spread some joy.

#hugapony everyone.

As my world turns.

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It has been more than an interesting couple of weeks here in my life. Seems the world is turning a closer eye upon me and is creating some interesting drama (both good and bad). I have started working overnights for a big box retailer as you know if you have read the blog so far and my body has slowly been fighting me more and more. Sleep does not come easily and when it finally takes over I end up in bed for 16 straight hours and miss out on my family and friends.

Depression, it seems, has returned to mess with me.

One of the more pressing issues in my life is the fact I am having to cut out my main medication for pain/depression. The side effects have been rough and growing and I was informed of the possible of seizures. Considering I have been taking this medication 3 times a day for 2.5 years makes me a bit concerned. I am slowly cutting back on the doses until I am able to get off of it fully but my body is already rebelling against me. Pain, it seems, has returned and brought friends.

I am just coming off of Nightmare Nights in Dallas, a personal favorite convention of mine. I have been involved in helping train some of the security staff there and the head of security, whom I work for at this convention, showed how much he has grown. I stood back and observed more than I had in many years working a convention and I couldn’t have been prouder of what he has accomplished. He and his team worked their tales off (pun intended) and handled things in such a professional manner. My security Lead thank me for the time and training I had put into him but he more than earned what he did. I know people who have worked for years and not had the poise to handle the stress nor the calming attitude it takes. Pride is not an emotion that comes often to me but in this case I was beaming with it.

I am also beaming with pride at my wonderful daughters. They have been so joyous in the upcoming baby and looking at new things to get when the baby arrives. We have had quite a few times of lost tempers and late nights with them, but they have been open and receptive. They have brought much joy to me and my wife.

My wife has been progressing at her new job and making leaps and bounds in advancing her career. She has jumped in with two feet and is making a difference. She is pushing forward with new training and helping and working all while growing a person inside of her. She is my life and my joy and I cannot imagine life without her.

As I continue on in life, I have decided to expand upon an idea that I have held in my mind for quite a while. I have always had the belief in taking time to personally thank people, send a message of encouragement, or just to be there for them. I have had a few opportunities pop up for these events to occur and I have tried to pounce upon them when they do. One of my faiths biggest commandments is to love one another and I hold fast to that. Loving people.

Simple concept, difficult to execute.

I hope to make a difference in peoples lives and to show them that they matter. Everyone needs love, including myself, and I can only hope for opportunity to bring it to them.

#hugapony my friends.

Pride, meet Fall.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 1 Comment

The the human race is a very prideful race. You can take pride in your job. You take pride in your house and care. You take pride in your health, wealth, and everything. You take pride in helping others. Cosplayers take pride in costumes. Gamers take pride in their skill. Writers take pride in their words.

It is hard to accept help because that means you cannot hold to your pride of doing it yourself.

It be very humbling to sit there and accept help from others. I’ve been blessed beyond measure with friends and family who helped me in my life. I have seen more generosity and grace in the past few years then the rest of my life combined.

I am beginning to think humble is not a strong enough word for me anymore.

I humbled by the acts of my wife. She has carried the burden of children. She has stood by my side through fire and danger, poverty and wealth. She amazes me every single day.

I am humbled by the acts of my daughters. When they just come into my room to say that they love me. When they ask if I am having a bad day due to my mental issues. When they bring me a blanket and plushie because they heard me have a bad phone call. “Oh ye little pitchers with big ears.”

I am blessed beyond measure.

There are difficulties admitting that there’s something wrong or that you need help. Even if it’s meeting that means admitting it to ourselves. I have been put into many situations in the last few years that has made me ask, beg at times, for help. There is no pride in begging. Only someone broken on their knees.

I have had to ask, and still ask, for patience in my anxiety and depression. Being overwhelmed is never something you want to go through. These are issues I would not wish on anyone.

Last but certainly not least, I want to say “Thank you”.

To you reading this, you give me hope and inspiration that I can maybe help you understand my life. Maybe I bring entertainment and funny stories. I might even bring a small amount of joy to you. I thank you.

Thank you everyone who has been there for me personally, financially, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. If I had time, and I want to make time, I would write each one of you and thank you personally. Let this be a statement, no, a declaration of thank you on this, my small part of the internet.

Thank you all who read this.

I don’t believe we say thank you enough in society. I want to change that. I will do it to any and everyone. Thank you for being here, on this earth. I challenge everyone to say thank you more.

One person at a time.

#hugapony my friends

#stuffedtherapy