The Great Unknown.

It has not been a good day/week/month/year mentally. I have undergone many a issue. I have worked harder on finding out more about myself and what is going on. I have worked harder on myself and my illness. I have tried to make things change. I have pushed to have more control over my life.

And I feel back behind square one.

Square Zero.

I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of hurting every single day. I am tired of being a mess.

I decided to write what I feel and what goes through my head when I am having a bad day. I wanted to show what goes through my head and what my mind is telling me. I wanted to see on paper and hold my issues in my hand. Try and see the tangible evidence of my mind spiraling out of control. I only wrote for about a minute, but it was not pretty.

I AM SELF-CENTERED. I am an idiot. I am a horrid person. I am a failure. I bring everyone down around me. No one wants me. No one actually cares for me. No one wants to give me anything. No one wants to do something for me without wanting something in return. I always feel guilty, even when sitting and reading. I don’t take care of the kids. I don’t fulfill anyone’s hopes, dreams, desires. I am not attractive. 

I am trying to sort through just went through my head what my mind tells me.

I know I am not a complete failure. (But you fail at so much)

I know I take care of my kids. (You don’t do enough)

I know people care for me. (They are just faking or feeling sorry for you out of pity)

I know my wife and kids love me. (They have to, they don’t have a choice)

I should not feel guilty about sitting and reading. (You are lazy for taking time for yourself and need to be helping others or cleaning or anything but what you want to do)

My mind is a battleground. I wanted share this with everyone. Not for pity or help. But to show that I suffer as well. I fight each day. I have people fighting with me. I am seeking new ideas and ways to help/sort/better myself.

You are not alone, dear reader.

Even holding the card in my hand, I see myself and almost want to take pity on me. I have to write things down to get them out of my head? Worthless. Even now I struggle to be free of my mind.

Even now I hug a pony.

 

 

 

Faith

This is an old post that hadn’t made it out due to internet issues. I have a backlog of post since moving into a new [place and getting internet (yay!) I hope y’all enjoy the read!

 

Faith is something I don’t bring up much. Not because I find myself not wanting to offend someone. For me, it is more personal. My faith is my faith. It is something I treasure and draw upon.

Today I was reminded of how much I am loved by my God.

I was given all the cash by my wife that we had in hopes of getting my van past inspection. My van is very old and the only vehicle we have. It is very difficult to pass inspection due to several issues. We had the check engine light off and so I took the chance to go get it inspected. I cross my fingers that it would pass. While checking the van, the tech noticed that the back tire was very low but not enough to fail me. The tech was looking at me oddly as he knew the van had more than a few miles on it and wasn’t not expecting it to pass.

Surprise surprise.

It passed.

I was joyous as the tech was beyond thorough. I then called my wife joyous and went to fill up the tire on the way to get the van reregistered.

Disaster.

I had a nail in the tire.

I drove quickly to a tire shop and payed to have it plugged in the hopes it would hold.

It held.

Another miracle for me as that never happens.

I drove to the local office to renew the registration but was informed that because it was expired so long I had to go to the government office.

Joy.

I went home to grab one last paper for registration when I counted my money left from everything.

77 dollars.

Please be enough.

I went to the government office and started the paperwork. Texas has a few new rules with everything and was charging more than last year. I held my breath as she gave me the total.

77 dollars.

Even.

I couldn’t believe it. I not only passed inspection, a flat, and still had the money to register. By the exact amount.

God is good.

I had a counseling session with my pastor and he pointed out one big take a way for me.

Happiness is were you are happy but waiting for when times go bad. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Joy is looking for the good things in every situation. I should be looking for joy, not happiness. It struck a chord with me.

I find joy in my ponies.

I find joy in my blog.

Hug a ponies my Friends. I needed a win.

Before move quicky

I am moving tomorrow and will be setting up internet later this week. Before I go dark for a few days, I want to share a photo.

image

Themighty.com sent me a card and a shirt thanking me for my articles that they published. It is a small gesture with a mighty impact (see what I did there). I am beyond humbled and cannot thank everyone who follows and reads my posts enough.

#hugaplushie my friends

Post A-kon Report

I had a time. It was grand and terrifying. I worked longer and hard than at any other convention I had ever attended. I worked with some of the most amazing people. I cannot thank them enough.

I had a chance to be a part of two fantastic panels. I plan on sharing my thoughts on those in my next post. There was so much fun to be had and many a tear shed in one.

I even gave away something very dear to me.

I am trying to recuperate and get rest while getting ready to move again. I want to thank all of you who read this and follow me on this journey. I checked my twitter and I had over 95,000 impressions in 28 days with a one day of 33,000 impressions as a top day for me. I am humbled beyond reason.

Thank you and love to you all.

A-kon panels!!!

I will be at not just one but 2 (!) A-kon panels this year. I invite anyone coming out to see me at either one!!

image

Two men walk into a bar presents:
Middle of nowhere!
https://www.facebook.com/events/1735882090025164/

This is a panel with my friends Nick and Ronin (with guests) and we talk everything from My Little Pony to video games and everything in-between. We have combined years of social media experience and helpful tips from running blogs to promoting music and more!!

Then my second panel.

Check out Non-Visible, Otaku with non-visible disabilities at A-Kon 27.

“Making friends in the con community can be hard, but doing so with non-visible disabilities is harder. Being nerdy can be hard when you don’t fit in in your own community.

Come to this panel to learn ways and tips to help make friends, not seem too overbearing, help in anxiety and panic attacks, and anger management tips.”

I AM SO EXCITED!!

I hope to see anyone out there. If are able to make it, stop by and see me!! I would love to say hi and share a moment.

See you at A-Kon 27!!

For more info http://www.a-kon.com

Picking up a med pack.

I am doing better. Thank you all who were concerned. I was running a fever into the 100s and as for the 2 worse days, I don’t have any memory of them. Brain stopped working and my whole body was aching. It was a REALLY high fever. Still, I am on the mend and picking back up on life.

There was some big news that came out. I GOT A JOB!! (cue fanfare). I am now a website evaluator for companies like Google, Bing and Yahoo. It is part-time and work from home. It is a perfect fit for me and my family. Thank you all for your prayers and concerns

I will hopefully in the next few weeks be able to get some things in order and be able to commit to writing bigger better longer pieces. Also stay tuned for some upcoming guest appearances at conventions!

Peace and love to you all.

#hugapony

Gone baby gone.

I have been so sick I don’t remember the last 2 days. I have been trying to sleep but a fever has kept me in the mid state of sleep/not sleeping. Not my favorite way of enjoying myself.

I did want to share that I have been hired by a subcontractor company for Google as a website reviewer. I passed all the testing and I can’t be more happy.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I am going to go eat for the first time in forever.

Second Prances

This is a quick post as life has turned VERY busy. I love writing in this blog and I have so many posts to finish but I am having to put this further down on the list. I was given a second chance at a job that I had applied for here recently. I am hoping it doesn’t error out on me again causing me to fail. My dearest wife has started a second job (YAY!) meaning I have more time at home with the kids.

#stayathomeDAD

I want everyone to know I am alive and well and even more amazingly, I am hopeful. It is rare that I get this way. It is very fragile and I hold hope very dearly. It can be strong and powerful if it comes to life for me. Until I have a chance to post what I have and life gets uncrazy, please stand by.

#hugapony

#stuffedtherapy

PS Yes I stole all the title from the most recent My Little Pony episode. I hope you bronies who follow caught that.  Hasbro please don’t sue me 🙂 

Riding that long train.

Life has been a mixed bag for me here lately. I’ve been doing my best to find more positive things to think about when I’m so negative. I have not forgotten a dose of my medication in a while so my body’s been responding well. There’s only one big fear for me at the moment.

I’m moving in 30 days.

I’ve been beyond grateful for the past 8 months that people have been giving us a place to stay but now that is coming to a close. I personally can’t wait to have my own space and to be able to have a place that I can call my own not to worry or stress about anything that I do. All places I’ve stayed I have not made me feel unwelcome by any means, there’s always a certain level of stress of being able to be yourself and not be afraid to get in trouble for it.

It’s also going to be nice to have have all my stuff out of storage.

My wife went and bought me a couple books that I already own because she could not find them at the library. It’s tapped into a part of me that I’d forgotten. Just about forgotten how much I love to read. My nightstand in my old apartment was filled with 12 to 15 books at a time of all sorts of subjects. There is fantasy, sci-fi, historical books, devotions, comics, my Bible. All these half hazardly laid on my nightstand where I could pick them up at a moment’s notice and be able to dive into it Adventure or to find out more information about historical event that just fascinates me.

It was my escape at times.

I could stop worrying about me and worry about a fictional character. I knew most of the endings as I had read and reread most of the books in my library. And all these books have been locked away in storage. Leaving a hole in me.

One that I had not known I had been missing.

I have lost myself in those three books (The Dresden Files for those interested) for the last 2 days. I have not been that content with having something besides worry and stress occupy my mind.

I have a passion for reading.

And writing I suppose as I continue to write to you.

#hugapony my friends

#stuffedtherapy