grief

2024 and the year we want to forget

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

Hello to all my friends here, old and new. I have not forgotten you, and you all have all been in my heart and on my mind. I have had a few worst times in recent months, but these have been compacted into this past year that have just weighed me down with such a burden it is hard to pick up the pen and write (or, in this case, plug in the keyboard and type).

I will summarize a few highlights (some positive) from the past 12 months:

  • Our big fluffy doggo had surgery that was botched and turned into 5 surgeries and ER visits.
  • We were told to get out by our landlord, who decided that she was done with us complaining that she was failing to meet even the bare minimum standards for renting.
  • While moving, my partner’s Jeep blew the engine.
  • I went to therapy for a childhood trauma that I finally faced.
  • My partner blew 2 tires out due to road construction.
  • Broke my phone screen for the first time in my life.
  • Had almost half my friends move out of state, leaving a hole where they were in my life.
  • I was able to leave my overdemanding job and started at an amazing firm that has been nothing but supportive.
  • My partner had a brain aneurysm burst the 2nd day into that job and spent the next 21 days in the ICU fighting for her life.
  • Through tremendous fighting spirit and pure spite (and an amazing boyfriend), my partner made it through months of therapy and day nuero to be able to go back to work in 4.5 months.
  • I was in a car accident.
  • I lost a friend to cancer who ended up all alone with no help.
  • I almost lost my best friend to a bullet to the head.
  • Lost more people in my life.
  • Endured yet another grueling election cycle with all the headaches, heartaches, and hatred.

These are the main highlights, not including the bad days, extra bills, food costs, and general pettiness that just comes day to day. Through this all, I am reminded of my mental health issues and physical bodily issues that try and hold me back.

Yet I am still standing—maybe not as better than I ever did, but I am still standing.

Days have been taken to just breathe. I have pushed and fought so hard to make it one more day, hell at times, hour by hour, slowly working up to getting back to a normal that no longer exists. And it never will again. Each day and moment makes more of a defining statement that the world we live in is so far above and beyond different than it was 20+ years ago. I see so many chasing that world, which has long gone to the wayside. I weep at the changes and horrors we have faced, still face, and will face in the days to come. I have still held to my simple message.

Be kind.

I have always said that in all these things to be kind. It does not mean to tolerate hate, violence, or evil. Kindness cannot be these things. Kindness is found in the simple things. Like listening before speaking. Saying thank you to those around you. Passing on the good that we have received. Helping those that need the help. Accepting help from those who offer it (a particularly hard one for me). I am reminded daily that I am blessed by those who are in my life and those who I call friends. I have tried hard to curate and foster a sense of people who are good for me and deserve to be in my life. So to all of those who are here, thank you.

So dear readers, I say again, be kind. It is free to give and can help anyone. May we all do better in the coming months.

#hugaplushie my friends.

The little things.

/ Codefreak / 3 Comments

One of the hardest issues facing someone with a chronic illness is facing what you cannot do anymore. There is a mourning and grieving process that so many of us face. You go through the Five Stages of Grief.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance all rush through you as you mourn the lose of some dear to you. Yourself.

It has taken away my ability to be Jason Bourne. All the action/super hero movies that I watch, I no longer look at and say to myself “I could do that.” I look at trampoline parks that my daughters want to go to for a party and cringe. I feel my body ache prematurely as my wife wants to do a marathon. You dread looking at yard work because you know you will be down for days and not be able to do anything.

Denial sets in when you see life starting to pass you by. You tell yourself to suck it up and do things. You believe what others tell you that you don’t look sick. You listen to what people say when they shout “Why can’t you just be normal.” You push and push to be normal and this makes your condition worse.

Anger sets in because you cannot keep up. You lash out at others who are frustrated with you at not being the person they remember. You scream in your mind that you should be normal and why is this happening to you. The anger rolls off of you in waves, pushing those who try to help you away.

Bargaining comes when you see people walking away who used to be close to you. You start to plead with people to stay. You cling to those last few people so hard it crushes them. You try to keep up and make deals. You try every supplement, exercise, and diet known to man in an effort to make things better. You bargain with yourself that it can’t get worse, but it does.

Depression sets in hard. You see no way out. In the deep hole you have dug, you see what you believe to be your only options. You find yourself trapped and weighed down by your illness. Loneliness, regret, and suffering. You see the bottle, pills or worse as your only way out. You thought at the beginning of all this it would never be this bad. In the general population, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people ages 15-24.

If you are at this stage, please reach out.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

 
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Acceptance is the hardest to achieve. You have to fight your body, your mind, doubters, and all the other stages to get here. You have to accept that you cannot do what you could before. You have to grieve the loss of your old self. It can feel a very hollow victory when you still have a life chronic illness ahead of you. I look at these stages and milestones at how far I have personally fought to get over. You have to accept what you are now and that is OK. It is OK that you are sick.

I may never be Jason Bourne, but he is not real. I am. And I am still here.

#hugapony my friends