hugs

Updating life, please stand by.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

I have been busy. I have been stressed out. I look at Bilbo Baggins talking about butter being scraped over too much bread with deep set envy. I long for days of “normal”.

I have hit a very rough patch. My meds are fickle at best at the moment. I have been sick for 2 weeks because my anxiety has shut down my immune system. My stress keeps me up nights. I stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning but still manage to wake up at 9 am or earlier because stress and heartburn from my stress wake me up. I stumble out to pills and coffee and spend the next 2 hours trying to find energy or the will power to do anything but just sit.

But it is in very short supply.

People don’t understand that anxiety makes you focus on everything and you can’t stop. You are hyper sensitive to you, those around you, outside events that you have no control over. You can’t push them to the back of your mind. You can’t “just act better”. “Just go make a difference in your life” is not an available option.

Depression then feeds on you as you slide down the hole which anxiety beats you down into.

I am beat up. I will keep fighting. I hope to feel better soon. I hope life returns to normal.

Resetting life is fun.

#hugapony my friends.

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Pride, meet Fall.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 1 Comment

The the human race is a very prideful race. You can take pride in your job. You take pride in your house and care. You take pride in your health, wealth, and everything. You take pride in helping others. Cosplayers take pride in costumes. Gamers take pride in their skill. Writers take pride in their words.

It is hard to accept help because that means you cannot hold to your pride of doing it yourself.

It be very humbling to sit there and accept help from others. I’ve been blessed beyond measure with friends and family who helped me in my life. I have seen more generosity and grace in the past few years then the rest of my life combined.

I am beginning to think humble is not a strong enough word for me anymore.

I humbled by the acts of my wife. She has carried the burden of children. She has stood by my side through fire and danger, poverty and wealth. She amazes me every single day.

I am humbled by the acts of my daughters. When they just come into my room to say that they love me. When they ask if I am having a bad day due to my mental issues. When they bring me a blanket and plushie because they heard me have a bad phone call. “Oh ye little pitchers with big ears.”

I am blessed beyond measure.

There are difficulties admitting that there’s something wrong or that you need help. Even if it’s meeting that means admitting it to ourselves. I have been put into many situations in the last few years that has made me ask, beg at times, for help. There is no pride in begging. Only someone broken on their knees.

I have had to ask, and still ask, for patience in my anxiety and depression. Being overwhelmed is never something you want to go through. These are issues I would not wish on anyone.

Last but certainly not least, I want to say “Thank you”.

To you reading this, you give me hope and inspiration that I can maybe help you understand my life. Maybe I bring entertainment and funny stories. I might even bring a small amount of joy to you. I thank you.

Thank you everyone who has been there for me personally, financially, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. If I had time, and I want to make time, I would write each one of you and thank you personally. Let this be a statement, no, a declaration of thank you on this, my small part of the internet.

Thank you all who read this.

I don’t believe we say thank you enough in society. I want to change that. I will do it to any and everyone. Thank you for being here, on this earth. I challenge everyone to say thank you more.

One person at a time.

#hugapony my friends

#stuffedtherapy

Dear love of my life.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

My darling wife is an amazing person. She is strong, beautiful, smart, and keeps me fascinated every day. I have never been more thankful in my life to have met her.

When I was young, I was a weird kid. Go figure right? I was six when I started praying for my wife (who ever she was) and that God would bless her, keep her safe, and to one day let her know I was here on earth. I prayed that prayer almost every night until I was 14 and continued to pray that prayer at least once a week after that. I was raised to be a gentleman and to love everyone, so I took these lessons to heart and was the nicest person I could be so that one day, I could be the best person for her I could be.

It wasn’t until college that I met her. I saw her a couple of times around campus and we even had a few mutual friends. I knew from the first time I saw her she was special. There was an air about her that just was different and exciting. Through many upturns and downturns, we managed to grow closer together and finally became best friends.

And best friends tell each other everything.

It was then that she first saw the dark depression that was in me, eating away at my existence. She saw my social anxiety first hand. It was then that she started standing up for me to someone that had never been stood up to like that before.

Myself.

She fought my depression for me. She was able to see the two sides in me that waged war and she poked and prodded until she could find that part of me and squash it. It was a very painful process as it is hard having someone be that truthful to you. It looks and feels like being attacked by your best friend. And it is just that. They are attacking you.

That foul part of you that you can’t distinguish from yourself.

She has stayed with me many years now and has fought beside me through many of my battles. She keep watch over me when nightmares invaded my sleep of a time I had blocked out. She held my hands to keep me from hurting myself. She encouraged me to see a doctor to get more help.

She even bought me my first big stuffed pony for my birthday (Fluttershy of course).

I am coming up on our 10th year anniversary this year. I could never ask for a better friend. I could not ask for a better wife. I could not ask for a better warrior. She is my life.

I love my dear.

I would rather hug you every day.

#hugapony

The day after yesterday.

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Puns I know. It is the day after Christmas and my heart aches for my former friends in retail. I am praying for you all as it is a tough day.

Today I am going to try and spread love.

There are many reasons why I am doing this:

It is called upon by my faith. My God has told me to love my neighbor as myself. I will go out of my way to love people. I feel chosen to do this. Even the unlovable ones.

I do it as a brony. Our motto is Love and Tolerate. We love everyone. The haters, the “neigh” sayers (see what I did there, more puns!), the uninformed. We seek out to love each other and all others. We love everyone as a group.

Lastly, I spread love because I need it and I believe the world needs it. I need to know there is love in this world. If I am the only person spreading, then so be it. I can only hope and dream of inspiring people to love more. It can be an act of saying excuse me. It can be letting someone go through a stop sign first. It can be just asking a cashier how there day is doing and thanking them.

Love.

It’s powerful thing.

Hug and love a plushie my friends.

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