The Hourglass of Time

Life has just now started to resemble normal. People are venturing out and there are crowds again. Vaccines have come and are being distributed, I myself have gotten both of mine. Fear remains and life continues. In the past year, much self-reflecting has been had and I have had ample time to do it.

As another birthday past last month, I am in constant reminder of how much time has passed for me personally and how much time there is still left to go in this life. I struggle each and every day with my mental thoughts, my hopes and dreams quite diminished. Loneliness does not suit me well and this past year has been one of the loneliest of my life.

I do love my dear friends and family who are active in my life and do quite well at keeping my social graces going. My daughters continue to grow and blossom into beautiful, smart, passionate young women whom I love dearly. They continue to be my world and my saving grace. I would not be here without them.

I still find the emptiness in my heart of love lost and the almost desperate need to fill it. It is a constant battle of not caring but wanting that life with someone. I have been able to understand and even enjoy the moments I get alone. But, man was not meant to be alone as it is written. Companionship is still something we humans crave and need.

Wounds that have healed, lessons learned, and even more personal growth than I thought possible for me personally, have shown me there is more to this life than just fighting each day to survive another. I continue to write and log my journey, hoping, wishing that it can help others or at the very least entertain them. I am not sure if that will continue as I am not sure my words or even my actions have any effect on the world at all. I have done my very best to show kindness to all. I do not believe it is a weakness as I have been told in the past and I want to continue to prove that. I feel at times that I have joined the ranks of Don Quixote.

It amazes me that people are not more receptive to kindness or even are willing to hold open a door for one another. I have strived to make a difference in this world and I still feel that I have failed, though I am assured that I do make a difference and people see it. I just had hoped to see that kindness returned to me.

Even as I write that I cringe because it seems that I forgo the people who have fought for me and strived to be my friend. I just wish life would not be so hard sometimes. It seems that the difficulty has been increased in light of the past few years personally. I guess I leveled up.

As I continue to hold to faith I did not know I had, dear reader, I do hope that I have inspired you and shown that even in the darkest times people can persevere. I hope my story brings hope, joy, and maybe the slightest bit of kindness to this dark world. I look forward to the time when I write this blog from a standpoint of more joy. I wish to help and bring happiness to more people. It is what I have strived to do my entire life.

#hugapony my friends.

Be good.

The Shattering Glass

“Reputation, like glass, once broken, can never be repaired.”

Life is currently in the most tense state of mind that I have ever known. I have seen friends, family, and coworkers all tear one another apart and shred any hope of repairing a relationship. Rally calls for change, fights to keep everything the same, and everything in between is part of each daily life. I look at what I personally have been through the past several years. I look at divorce, a multitude medical issues, bills, restarting my life, being a father and I know in my heart that I have been through fire and worse. I am proud to have kept my commitment, as much as I could, to remain as kind as I can be to everyone.

One of the key elements of what I have seen is the pulling out of someone’s past as an example of who a person “Truly” is, usually at their worst. These cherry-picked moments to reveal the nature of someone from a time 5, 10, or more years ago that undeniable show that someone is terrible. Holding these as truth and never letting them die, these are the actions of people unwilling to accept that someone can change. These are actions that embolden others to not accept change or the will to ignore the same.

Is it like glass, never again to be repaired as it once was?

I look at my past and the stupid actions that I have taken. I have written regarding my anxiety and how it is a highlight of your worse moments that you relive almost daily. I see the changes I have made, the self-reflection that show my flaws, the actions taken to change those flaws, and to be a better person. If all of my actions are considered null and void, and they are broken glass, what does it matter if I attempt to make the change? Because, the change is not for others.

Its to change who you are for the better.

It is a fundamental ideal to strive for when making self changes. These actions are not for the sake of others, it is to change you. To make a better you in this life. The affects of those changes to those around you are a byproduct, a secondary response. The change needs to be in you, for you.

And sometimes that means working with broken glass.

When we see a mirror or window, that perfect sheet that is crisp and clean, we see it for what it is, unbroken. However, life does not allow for you not to be broken. You will go through hard times, troubles, and very bad days. With each crack, a piece of you falls off. It chips away at you until you have just a pile. That is when you can start to make a masterpiece. An unbroken plane of glass, like the white page, is just a beginning.

We can look at examples of beautiful mosaics and stained glass windows in cathedrals. These are examples of what can be done with time, patience, and effort with these same broken pieces. exquisite works of art that are not made by the perfect sheet, but by the pieces that came from them. Sometimes we have to be broken to be remade into something better and more beautiful.

Sometimes, we can change.

My two points in this post are;

Outside: What are you doing to be kind to others and allowing them to change, pick up the pieces, and be better? Are you not allow people to change and just throwing stones in glass houses? Are you helping others to move along with their reclamation project of making their mosaic? Or are you just looking at the shattered glass in disgust?

Inside: What are you doing to improve yourself? How are you fitting the pieces together to be beautiful? Are you seeing the stones thrown at your stained glass window, seeing the pieces fall and give up? Is it not easier to fix the few pieces that have fallen instead of the whole sheet of glass? Do you need help and are too scared or ashamed to ask?

I ask each and every one of you to do something kind for someone today. Help someone build themselves, maybe accept that someone can change for the better. Do some good, be the good in this world.

#hugapony my friends

Killing with Kindness

In recent news, there was a story that came out that I was drawn to read. It was a story about Former President Bush and Ellen DeGeneres. They were both seen sitting next to each other at a Dallas Cowboy football game. They were seen laughing and talking.

Scandalous.

The news and social media picked up on the story about how this unlikely pair could be seen in a social situation and further seen to be enjoying each other’s company. It drew so much attention that Ellen herself did a segment on her show about it. She calmly and rationally explained how she made it to the game and furthermore talked about how nice her seatmates were.

She was then condemned for speaking positively about another human.

There came an outpouring of hate for the former president and for Ellen herself. In an attempt to be kind, she was told that her being kind was wrong. She was called out and told she should not even be kind to another person because of who they are and what they have done.

Have we reached a place in society that we cannot be nice to people? I have tried hard myself not to hate or spread hate on anyone. I have gone out of my way to show kindness regardless of who was on the receiving end of said kindness. How are we supposed to make a change in people if we ourselves do not make a change? Are we a society so filled with hate, we are now barred and called out for speaking nicely about someone. How else are we supposed to change the dialogue in today’s culture and make real differences?

It makes me sad to see someone get called out for being kind. It breaks my heart to think we are now in a world that it is OK to hate someone that is guilty of being kind. I, for one, will be doing what I can to continue to be kind and when people call me out, I will be kind to them as well.

Killing with Kindness, it is the difference I can make.

#hugapony my friends

Special feelings and feeling special.

Sometimes the journey is hard and life takes you in very unexpected places. The past 15 10 and even 5 years have had so many drastic changes, I can barely keep up. I look at my life and see all the people in it. I see the love and the hate. I see the joys and the sorrows. I see the ones who were born and the ones who have left us.

Life has changed so much.

The one thing that hasnt changed change is my love for you, all of you. If you are on my time life or if someone shares this and we barely know each other, I love you. I try my best to love all the people. It keeps me going, knowing I can do that and I want to do that. I do it with small acts of kindness and in the little things. Saying hello, asking a cashier how their day is, thanking people who respond in turn. What a difference it can make in someone’s day.

You have this power to change others attitudes and outlooks.

I believe in you all and you are all very special to me. And some of my favorite words from one of my favorite people, “you are special, just the way you are.” -Mr Rogers.

Take some time to be nice and kind to someone today. Do it again tomorrow. Then add a 2nd person. And another and another. You and I cannot change the world. We can only change ourselves. But by doing that, maybe, just maybe, we can make a difference.

Hug a pony my friends.

This years end.

This is my final post of 2017. I sit and right this in a daze as I am extremely sick and have no energy to do much of anything. I wanted to post something to wrap this year up.

Acts of kindness amaze me. I always say I am very blessed when given the chance to show one. I had the opportunity to do one today.

I have been bedridden with a sinus infection/flu that has been absolutely horrific. My pain levels have not been this bad since my kidney stone. The full body aches on top of my full body aches and a fever that almost made me rush to the hospital have made my last week of 2017 less than stellar.

Enter an email that I received saying I had been given $200 on my PayPal account. I tried to sit up and take notice and was thoroughly confused and delighted. I have had my donation button on my blog for quite some time now and I was overjoyed to see money on that account. I was just about to inform my wife when I get an email from the this wonderful person who was supporting me. I start reading and see that I was given the money by mistake and that she had messed up and if I would please send it back.

My first thought was that this was a scam. I double checked my PayPal account and saw that the money had cleared and was firmly in my name. I checked that it was from a legitimate source and it was. I was doing a few more checks when I received a phone call. It was this same person asking, pleading with me to do the right thing a return the money.

It wasn’t until that moment that I realized that I never once thought of keeping the money for myself.

I have tried to be an kind man. I try my best to be honorable. I have been known to be honest to the extreme. When I was 6, I once received 2 bottles of Gatorade from a vending machine at a Walmart and turned one into the service desk because I didn’t feel right to keep it as I didn’t pay for it.

I pulled myself to my computer and managed to refund the money. Most of the time we have to go out of our way to perform acts of kindness. Sometimes acts of kindness are thrown at us. I end this year with one such an act. May much more kindness be had in 2018.

#hugapony my friends.