Life

Happy Holidays

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

Winter has come and brought its dark skies and cold nights to us. In this time of joyous celebration and hot cocoa, Let us all take some time to pay attention to those around us who may need some help. From single mothers and divorced dads, to those who illness is worsened by the cold, to the quite children who don’t get swept up in all the bright festivities. Someone will be in your life that will need a little encouragement.

It amazes me that so many people can go through life and not realize what or who is around us. I watch as people ignore anything that does not pertain to them. Working retail makes this abundantly evident as people respond to your greetings with abrupt dismissal. We become so focused on what are doing, who do we need presents  for, how am I going to make all the parties that we tend to not see those of us who need help around us. In this spirit of giving and merry making, we miss those who are not able to enjoy the holidays.

I encourage all of us to go forth and find someone to help this holiday. It could be the single mother with 3 kids who just needs a night off. It could be the recently divorced dad who isn’t going to be able to spend time with his kids for the first time. It could be the person with the illness who cant make it to that party they always used to enjoy. Chances are I have described someone you know. You are thinking of them right now.

Act on that.

Stop doing things.

Start on being this holiday.

#hugapony

PS I have not had much time to write and for that I apologize. I have my next few posts planned to carry me into the new year. Thank you all who read this blog. As a reward, a small comic i found that speaks to me in so many ways.

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Truth and Vindication.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

It has been a couple weeks from my last post. I have struggled greatly at what I have wanted to do next. I have thought long and hard about continuing my blog and how I help others. I thought upon my own condition and the battles I have fought. My own demons have been at battle in my body in my own mini civil war. I have been seeking answers for several years now.

And now I had them.

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Knowledge is a double-edged sword.

I have something I can look in the eye and know what I am battling. I have official paperwork and can show people that yes I am sick. I have been examined by a medical professional and have been given the answer. I can proceed on to the next steps and, hopefully, get the proper help.

It also cuts me deep. I cannot deny or excuse myself. I have to admit to myself that “Yes, I am sick.” I was not as prepared for the answer as I thought.

In some small part, I must have even had doubts myself. Who wants to admit to themselves they are broken? It goes to show that even I had doubts about myself. No one is safe from their own inner voice.

I am broken.

And that has to be OK.

I feel like I have run one of the biggest marathons in my life. I have worked hard at research into what is wrong with me. Consulting my doctor, friends, and family for information. I have used my unknown to help countless others. It has been the fuel to drive me to reach my hand out and pick people up. Now that I have the answer, am I out of gas? How do I go on from here? What changes now?

I have spent 2 weeks trying to answer these questions. I am no closer to a solution than I was then. But, I have not thrown in the towel.

Where one journey ends, another begins.

I find myself confused at the finish line I crossed. I feel like I stumbled through the tape and am now in a daze. My journey has been about answers for myself and others. Now instead of seeking answers, I will be looking for help and treatments. I will be walking down a slightly different path. A new race has begun.

I hope you all can join me on this journey.

May all your plushies get hugs.

Positive Power Thinking

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It has been hard to stay positive in the past few weeks. With the hate going on for the election from almost everyone, to the pain of life and body with me personally, to the fears of issues with my car and apartment, it has all been trying to distract me. Being focused on the positive has been exceptionally difficult.

But I have been here before.

I know this walls and darkness.

I can do better now.

One of the positives of coming off one of medications is my brain fog has lifted greatly. This has given me the ability to focus and think much more clearly for the first time in almost 2 years. I am not saying I haven’t been myself in that time, more of, I can do so with much less effort. I have always considered myself intelligent, and have been told so by others much more intelligent than I, and I feel like that part has been robbed from me in this time. Now it has taken quite a bit more to do my pain management as it takes a lot out of me to focus on not letting it effect my life. It is nice switch from focusing on my mind and thoughts to focusing on my body.

Looking ahead I have felt with the upcoming holidays, the presidential election and the results, and some more conventions, I am looking into spreading that positive thinking and prayer onto other people. In these times of holidays and the winter months, depression and loneliness can come over everyone. I am looking into a project that I have wanted to do for awhile.

It is no small task however.

I am wanting to go through my friends list on my personal social media sites, the email list of this blog, and all other outreaches I can and write at least one letter telling that personal that they are special and loved and that I am thinking and praying for them. I want to spread more love and joy to others.

And this is on top of my life, work, and writing on my blog.

However, I think the results would be more than worth it.

I am so thankful for what I have been given in my life. Yes, I write about my hard times and troubles here on my blog, but this is a great place to vent and to show others they are not alone in hardships or so that they know what someone living with invisible disabilities goes through. I have tried to show the opposite side of the coin and show the life and joy that can be had in spite of these trials. I have tried to bring something positive into this world.

I am trying my best to have an impact on this world, at least those in my reach, and be the most wonderful person I can be.

I ask you all, dear readers, that if you want to be part of my and joy making, I would ask you join the email list on my blog, follow my twitter or you can leave a message on this post or any others. I will see and respond. I will keep all information confidential, unless you say I can share it with others.

Lets bring back love for each other. Lets spread some joy.

#hugapony everyone.

Happy thoughts.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

It was a rough week last week. I cut out the primary pain medication I have been taking for almost 2 years. I am writing a post on it but it is still very emotional and painful for me to write about. In the meantime, I decided to write about something positive. Thinking positive in efforts to help those around me.

Today was Halloween and I was able to be with my wife and kids for most of the day. That alone is a positive. I have missed quite a few family events due to work and I was able to capitalize on this one, mush to my joy. It made me very happy.

I also was able to put on my ears for work. Being Halloween, they allowed some dress up. I personally try to seize every opportunity to have some fun and inject some craziness into everyone’s life. It reminded me of when I was a teenager.

In my teens I worn a rubber dog nose everywhere. Literally everywhere. I wore it for such long periods of time that the string broke. I wore it so much my face would have indentations for hours afterwards from where the plastic would have embedded itself in my face. I wore it to school, I wore it to go shopping, I even wore it to church! Why did I do it?

To make people smile.

Some of my favorite times were when I had a child or a grandmother smile because of what I was wearing. Seeing their faces light up with joy always brought a smile to me. Some kids would point and laugh and that’s okay some of them weren’t old enough to understand what I was doing. I just wanted to bring a little joy and light into the world and I felt I did by just wearing a simple dog nose.
Oh I had some of the older folks frown on me and tell me that I was doing something wrong which never made any sense to me. The occasional mother who would hush your child from having a laugh at my expense which was perfectly okay in my opinion. Still the mothers quieted the children because they did not want to cause a scene or any type of attention to what I was doing. It would always make me sad seeing somebody frown or look down upon me because of something I was doing. All I tried to do was just bring a little joy and light into everyone else’s lives around me.

When I worked at GameStop, I made sure to go out of my way to do you things, again, to bring a smile to people’s faces. Dressing up for a special event, or wearing the silliest hat to make people stop and laugh. Joy is something best spread around in my opinion and so I did my best to spread it around as much as I could. Being able to turn someone’s bad day into a good day was always a great feeling for me and I’m pretty sure it was a good feeling for those who I helped as well.

So tonight when I came into work I decided to throw on my ever so loved ears that I wear, again, pretty much everywhere. My co-workers all gave me a smile and said I was being silly. I told them right back that this is something that makes the night go by faster when you’re working. I had four or five customers come up to me and tell me how much they like my hat and in my opinion that’s me doing a good job and providing excellent customer service. Any chance of having a little silliness or having a little fun, especially at work, is a chance I always try to jump on.

And so dear reader, I hope that by sharing my story, I inspire you to do something to make someone else smile today. I welcome any and all comments in which you’ve made someone else’s day a little bit brighter. In this time of election, where the country and families seem to be torn apart by anger or hate  it seems only fitting to try and bring joy into other people’s lives. One of the things I’ve always noticed about bringing a smile to others is the smile that comes back to me. I do hope my story cheers you up a little and that you have a wonderful day.

#hugapony my friends.

I dedicate this post to JL. I hope I bring a little smile to you with this post.

As my world turns.

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It has been more than an interesting couple of weeks here in my life. Seems the world is turning a closer eye upon me and is creating some interesting drama (both good and bad). I have started working overnights for a big box retailer as you know if you have read the blog so far and my body has slowly been fighting me more and more. Sleep does not come easily and when it finally takes over I end up in bed for 16 straight hours and miss out on my family and friends.

Depression, it seems, has returned to mess with me.

One of the more pressing issues in my life is the fact I am having to cut out my main medication for pain/depression. The side effects have been rough and growing and I was informed of the possible of seizures. Considering I have been taking this medication 3 times a day for 2.5 years makes me a bit concerned. I am slowly cutting back on the doses until I am able to get off of it fully but my body is already rebelling against me. Pain, it seems, has returned and brought friends.

I am just coming off of Nightmare Nights in Dallas, a personal favorite convention of mine. I have been involved in helping train some of the security staff there and the head of security, whom I work for at this convention, showed how much he has grown. I stood back and observed more than I had in many years working a convention and I couldn’t have been prouder of what he has accomplished. He and his team worked their tales off (pun intended) and handled things in such a professional manner. My security Lead thank me for the time and training I had put into him but he more than earned what he did. I know people who have worked for years and not had the poise to handle the stress nor the calming attitude it takes. Pride is not an emotion that comes often to me but in this case I was beaming with it.

I am also beaming with pride at my wonderful daughters. They have been so joyous in the upcoming baby and looking at new things to get when the baby arrives. We have had quite a few times of lost tempers and late nights with them, but they have been open and receptive. They have brought much joy to me and my wife.

My wife has been progressing at her new job and making leaps and bounds in advancing her career. She has jumped in with two feet and is making a difference. She is pushing forward with new training and helping and working all while growing a person inside of her. She is my life and my joy and I cannot imagine life without her.

As I continue on in life, I have decided to expand upon an idea that I have held in my mind for quite a while. I have always had the belief in taking time to personally thank people, send a message of encouragement, or just to be there for them. I have had a few opportunities pop up for these events to occur and I have tried to pounce upon them when they do. One of my faiths biggest commandments is to love one another and I hold fast to that. Loving people.

Simple concept, difficult to execute.

I hope to make a difference in peoples lives and to show them that they matter. Everyone needs love, including myself, and I can only hope for opportunity to bring it to them.

#hugapony my friends.

The quicker picker upper post.

/ Codefreak / 2 Comments

Yesterday was a really rough day. Some personal things fell through, I was overly stressed taking my final test for the job (still no idea if I passed) and then I ended the day with a migraine.

It was not my favorite.

I had a close friend of mine give me some encouragement. I will refer to her as the Tea friend. Tea was so amazing and helpful because she goes through hell and back and still manages to take time to help me and others. She is one I look at and question my own pain and it makes me realize that I have no place to complain at times. She has been a wonderful friend for years and I love her dearly. She was also one of the friends that help me meet my wife.

I cannot thank her enough.

I am thinking, because life is about to be crazy for the next month, I am going to do a series on thanking people in my life. I hope it encourages you to remember to thank everyone around you.

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Doctor Redux.

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Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility;
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger. . . .

Henry The Fifth, William Shakespeare.

This was my 30 day check up today. This was a day back to the doctor. I was feeling a bit nervous as most of you know, I had a bad reaction to when I ran out this last time.

I was not a pleasant person coming into this.

I had quite a few things to say to the doctor. I was hurt, I felt betrayed. The feeling of trust I had was gone due to the fact that I had been through one of the worse weekends in a long while.

I was a bit nervous at first but it has gotten easier talking to her about everything. I explained everything I had been through and what dose I was taking. She agreed that it had been helping and that she say a difference.

So now, here I am with a 3 month supply and hope in my heart that I now have ally in this fight against my depression.

And I still have a pony to hug.

Our 1 on 1 podcast!

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So, I managed something really cool this past week. I have decided to venture further into this realm of blogging and taking a few awesome steps in a big way. The first one was me taking the initiative and doing something professional in this. I had thought of a few things that would throw me in the mix but it really came down to my wife and a great opportunity that fell into my lap.

My wife is part of a networking group that helps small business. She is part of a direct sales company and was reaching out to expand her business. One of the gentleman in the group, Scott, runs an online podcast about people’s stories, businesses, and more. My wife suggested that I speak to him to further my career.

We talked about it and I agreed to do this and I did not know what to speak about to promote myself professionally. I do have lots of skills and talents and I wasn’t sure which to speak upon. My dear wife then suggested that Ispeak on my blog.

Me?

Talk about my blog?

In a professional format?

Oh my.

So I met with Scott and he was fantastic. He had an awesome setup and his demeanor was bar none.

And so without further ado, me.

In D flat minor.

Daniel Permenter, My Stuffed Little Therapy