There is no winning or losing.

I have been struggling with my mind as of recently. With all the negatives that I have faced these past few years, between illnesses and personal and mental issues, I have had a difficult time knowing how to respond. I find myself at some time during each day just wondering what I did to deserve this.

It is quite easy to say that I am just being bitter or focusing on the negative. Dwelling on the negative thoughts make they grow, this has been proven. I see trouble however when you have a mental illness that causes these negative thoughts and wrecks your emotional state. Fighting tooth and nail each day to remain positive or to be better is exhausting. When you add in me fighting my physical illness and a lot of judgement from other people who can’t see my sickness and you make for one depressing day.

In the midst of this hole that we end up in, it is no wonder we have the thoughts of “How have I messed up to end up here?” What mistakes are the ones that lead me to this day. How can I change? How can I be better? Why am I not better?

Why have I failed?

I am reminded of the attached quote from Star Trek. We see a hard truth. It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. This is not fair and it hurts. This however is life. Finding ourselves caught in a hopeless situation happens. We can be, at times but not all the time, perfect in what we do. We can still lose. It can still turn out wrong for us. I see us in these situations and it is in these moments that we are defined as a person. Are we emboldened and push forward? Do we collapse and weep at how we were wronged? It shows us who we are to the world.

I am still here. I am still fighting. I still stand. I hope you agree as well.

#hugaplushie my friends.


Life on standby

I am on standby on life. With everything going on, I am struggling to just hang on. I have had so much life happen that it is overwhelming. Dealing with life while having a chronic illness takes an amazing amount of effort. I takes twice as much work and twice the effort and we bare this with the constant remarks of “Other people have it worse” or “Its not as bad as you think”.

It is as bad as we feel.

So I close this short post with the fact that I have life stuff. I am continuing to fight, both my illness and my problems. I hope I have the energy to keep going.

Heartbreak and Loss.

Ok family and friends. I wanted to provide an update from this past weekend of a personal matter that arose. I know that many of my Convention friends did not get to say goodbye to me or Gale and I wanted to share some insight.

We had a miscarriage this past weekend. Gale was about 6 – 7 weeks along and we hadn’t told anyone. We have had a miscarriage in the past and we wanted to make it through the first trimester. It looks like there were some hormone imbalances that caused the miscarriage. We have been to the doctor several times now and it was confirmed today.

“My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” My dear unborn child. I only got to listen to your heartbeat once, but it stopped mine completely. I will never be able to call your name, feed you, or take care of you, and for that I am sorry. I do believe we will meet again someday. I look forward to that day, and hope you do as well. Your mother and I love you. We will never forget you. Goodbye until next time.

Hug a pony my friends.