married

The Year of Hell – 2018

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

As this year closes, I find myself with quite a few people who have not had a very fond year. Memories of 2018 seem to be cutting deep for all of us with personal and private losses. I know for myself that it was a record year for what I have been through.

In the past year I have lost several family members. Deaths of my grandmother, uncle, and grandfather-in-law hit hard at several points over the year. They were spread out so it was not all at once but baring those loses still bore down on me.

This year, my wife and I separated and were divorced. I cannot begin to describe the amount of pain, anguish, and hurt that I have been through in this process. Dealing with the courts, being there for my kids, and being single all have been overwhelming in all cases. I will say that my Ex-wife has done a tremendous job of trying her best and we are very civil. Pain, however, is part of the process and it does not stop.

As with the above mentioned divorce, I have had to: Find a new job, Find a place to live, Get a car, and rebuild a life. Much in the same way as getting a chronic illness diagnosis, in a divorce you have to find a new you. Rediscovering everything about yourself is quick daunting and can crush you. Having now been through both of these has added a whole new level of understanding. Learning to live and work and even play (when you even can find the energy) is completely different and is amazingly difficult. You find strength you never knew you had. Some days, it just doesn’t happen and you have to learn to accept that.

I have lost around a third of my friends in my life this past year. Be it time, distance, personal beliefs, or something else entirely, I have lost much more then I have gained in terms of numbers. Such losses take quite a toll on someone who doesn’t have many friends. Chronic illness tends to get in the way of making new ones or keeping the ones you have at the moment. I will say that I have seen a few friendships grow deeper and the ones who have stayed have been amongst the best of people. Thank you.

In all this madness of this year, it has been a bad year for chronic illness sufferers. The Opioid Crisis has been one of the focuses of the year. My medical insurance has skyrocketed along with my medication cost. I have written more published articles than all my years past combined and most have dealt with these issues. Depression and anxiety with the growing social issues and personal issues have taken a huge chunk of my spirit and I find it hard to find the faith I once did before.

However, in all of this, I have survived. I use survived as it has been one hell of a battle to make it through this year. I come to the close of this calendar and I live. By reading this, you as well have made it. I am so proud of you and us in general. I want to congratulate all of us for making it. I still plan on being here, encouraging everyone, staying the course on being positive in this valley. I hope by sharing my story of this year has brought you hope that if I can make it, so can you.

#hugaplushie my friends

PS – Props to those who get the title reference.

Advertisement

The woman of my life.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 2 Comments

This is a very special post. This is dedicated to the only person in my life to whom I have put my whole faith, love, and devotion. It has been 10 years since our “I Do”.

She has stood by me through prosperity and poverty. Through sickness, death, and more. She is my rock, my safety, my great love. She has loved me when I found ponies. She BOUGHT me my first plushie.

She was one of the few girls at my college that caught my eye. She stood out special even then. She has an old world grace with a fiery spirit that tells it how it is. She has brought into this world 2 beautiful, talented, and super intelligent daughters. She has taught me to stand when I needed to stand.

That isn’t enough time in the world to say how much I love her or what she had done for me these last 10 years. Story after story she is the heroine and Savior. She has depths of compassion that no one can fathom.

A while ago I wrote her a love letter here. It never came close to showing her how much she means to me. I know this won’t do much either. All I can do is continue to love you and show you how much you mean to me over the next 10 years of marriage. I plan on doing that.

Happy anniversary my sweetheart. Never forget what you mean to me. Thank you for reciprocating our love. Love is a choice not a feeling and you chose to love me.

Your dearest husband and your best friend,
D.

image

#hugapony my friends

Dear love of my life.

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

My darling wife is an amazing person. She is strong, beautiful, smart, and keeps me fascinated every day. I have never been more thankful in my life to have met her.

When I was young, I was a weird kid. Go figure right? I was six when I started praying for my wife (who ever she was) and that God would bless her, keep her safe, and to one day let her know I was here on earth. I prayed that prayer almost every night until I was 14 and continued to pray that prayer at least once a week after that. I was raised to be a gentleman and to love everyone, so I took these lessons to heart and was the nicest person I could be so that one day, I could be the best person for her I could be.

It wasn’t until college that I met her. I saw her a couple of times around campus and we even had a few mutual friends. I knew from the first time I saw her she was special. There was an air about her that just was different and exciting. Through many upturns and downturns, we managed to grow closer together and finally became best friends.

And best friends tell each other everything.

It was then that she first saw the dark depression that was in me, eating away at my existence. She saw my social anxiety first hand. It was then that she started standing up for me to someone that had never been stood up to like that before.

Myself.

She fought my depression for me. She was able to see the two sides in me that waged war and she poked and prodded until she could find that part of me and squash it. It was a very painful process as it is hard having someone be that truthful to you. It looks and feels like being attacked by your best friend. And it is just that. They are attacking you.

That foul part of you that you can’t distinguish from yourself.

She has stayed with me many years now and has fought beside me through many of my battles. She keep watch over me when nightmares invaded my sleep of a time I had blocked out. She held my hands to keep me from hurting myself. She encouraged me to see a doctor to get more help.

She even bought me my first big stuffed pony for my birthday (Fluttershy of course).

I am coming up on our 10th year anniversary this year. I could never ask for a better friend. I could not ask for a better wife. I could not ask for a better warrior. She is my life.

I love my dear.

I would rather hug you every day.

#hugapony