Life has just now started to resemble normal. People are venturing out and there are crowds again. Vaccines have come and are being distributed, I myself have gotten both of mine. Fear remains and life continues. In the past year, much self-reflecting has been had and I have had ample time to do it.
As another birthday past last month, I am in constant reminder of how much time has passed for me personally and how much time there is still left to go in this life. I struggle each and every day with my mental thoughts, my hopes and dreams quite diminished. Loneliness does not suit me well and this past year has been one of the loneliest of my life.
I do love my dear friends and family who are active in my life and do quite well at keeping my social graces going. My daughters continue to grow and blossom into beautiful, smart, passionate young women whom I love dearly. They continue to be my world and my saving grace. I would not be here without them.
I still find the emptiness in my heart of love lost and the almost desperate need to fill it. It is a constant battle of not caring but wanting that life with someone. I have been able to understand and even enjoy the moments I get alone. But, man was not meant to be alone as it is written. Companionship is still something we humans crave and need.
Wounds that have healed, lessons learned, and even more personal growth than I thought possible for me personally, have shown me there is more to this life than just fighting each day to survive another. I continue to write and log my journey, hoping, wishing that it can help others or at the very least entertain them. I am not sure if that will continue as I am not sure my words or even my actions have any effect on the world at all. I have done my very best to show kindness to all. I do not believe it is a weakness as I have been told in the past and I want to continue to prove that. I feel at times that I have joined the ranks of Don Quixote.
It amazes me that people are not more receptive to kindness or even are willing to hold open a door for one another. I have strived to make a difference in this world and I still feel that I have failed, though I am assured that I do make a difference and people see it. I just had hoped to see that kindness returned to me.
Even as I write that I cringe because it seems that I forgo the people who have fought for me and strived to be my friend. I just wish life would not be so hard sometimes. It seems that the difficulty has been increased in light of the past few years personally. I guess I leveled up.
As I continue to hold to faith I did not know I had, dear reader, I do hope that I have inspired you and shown that even in the darkest times people can persevere. I hope my story brings hope, joy, and maybe the slightest bit of kindness to this dark world. I look forward to the time when I write this blog from a standpoint of more joy. I wish to help and bring happiness to more people. It is what I have strived to do my entire life.
#hugapony my friends.