World War me.

I am recovering from my last convention and am trying to regain lost rest and sleep. I want to thank everyone who came out to visit and I plan on special post for all of you. I am humbled and honored by the response that was given. It meant as much to me as to you.

I have been diagnosed Fibromyalgia, panic disorder, insomnia, and quite a few other conditions for 5 years now. I have experienced a lot and have struggled to find the help I need to make it through my day to day routine much less when life throws me curve balls. I have tried and put into place all manner of methods of managing my conditions. I have changed diet, put in a modified exercise regiment, and adjusted my life to fit my condition.

I also take prescribed opioids.

News outlets have been reporting on the “Opioid Crisis” that has arisen. They talk about the real effects on people’s lives. They talk about the families being torn apart with the misuse of the drug. They are representing every side of the issue.

Except mine.

I, like many other chronic illness sufferers, rely on the use of these drugs to lead somewhat regular lives. Understandably we do not represent all responsible opioid use. However, we do regularly get added to the group of opioid abusers. The news loves to report the numbers of total users or the max number of prescribed people in US. Using these numbers all kinds of data can be thrown around as to the approximate number of abusers. I am not ignoring the rising numbers of opioid related deaths, I fear that too many people are caught up in the panic and it is hurting the people who need the help.

I have recently changed pharmacies due to the national response. CVS has come out to say that they will not prescribe more than a weeks worth of an opioid to cut down on the number of pills in the public. This hurts in several ways. I now have more co-pays to look forward to paying. I now have the stress of going to the pharmacy once a week instead of once a month. I get to be faced with the pharmacy techs who judge me on my condition. They have to evaluate what I take, how many I take, and how often I take it to ensure that I am doing everything correctly.

It can be humiliating and debilitating.

It can also lead to them to refusing to fill a medication. When I was first being diagnosed, I had a tech tell me I couldn’t have any more medication, even though I was taking them as prescribed (Post is here “Anxiety now?“). I have also been through the panic of not being able to see the doctor in time or canceling my appointment so I end up running out before I can get the help I need (Oh Day of days). It is so tight now, my new doctor has a new form that I had to fill out saying I have to bring all my meds into the office each visit and be subjected to random pill count checks.

To quote a friend, “This is victim shaming.”

“We are not getting the prescribed medications from our dealer or a junkie. We getting these medications from a licensed doctor who has examined, poked, prodded, and run tests to find out what can help. We are not using these pills for recreational use. We are using them so we can get out of bed and live a somewhat normal and have a job.”

This is a crisis. My crisis. My own personal war inside me. I have to fight to get help. I have to fight to get time to go to the doctor each time. Taking off work to go see a doctor takes a lot of time and most jobs are not forgiving. I have to look at what I have and ration. I have several medications that are “As needed”. Do I take them now when I am having a rough day or do I save it in case I have a worse day? Why do I have to choose?  Who is speaking for me? For us?

I am only one small voice on a small platform.

I am speaking up.

Don’t forget us in the crisis.

#hugaplushie my friends.





Deja who

I have had 3 instances of severe déjà vu in the past 24 hours. So creepy.

I can’t explain why it happens but I will have a moment were i freeze when someone comments or does an action that triggers it. I lock into place and if I could move I would be able to tell you what will happen or what will be said for the next 5 seconds or so. It is a hard shock on me.

I have had these moments most of my life and I really have never shared. There is no explaining it. I usually have to take a few moments and calm down as I am so flabbergasted at seeing, what feels to me, the future catch up with the present. Makes me wish it was a super power.

Instead it just leaves me confused and panicky.

Makes me feel like I am loosing my mind.

#hugapony my friends

Gone baby gone.

I want laugh, cry, scream, and panic all at the same time. My emotions are such swirling cauldron of colours, it is hard to discribe. I really wonder if this is going to be thing to break me.

My apartment complex is trying to evict me from my home.

I have a lease until September. I have been a resident for almost 3 years. Except for one time 2 years ago, I have not been late and that one time I was a day late because I forgot to drop off the check on my birthday. I thought I was doing everything right.

But life sucks.

My complex has been renovating our apartments for awhile now. They started right after we resigned our lease last year. We asked if there was going to be an issue with another year long lease and we were told no problem.

Well it is a problem now.

The management staff have been pressuring me and my wife to either sign a new lease and move to a different apartment  (with a new deposit, more rent) or be moved out as soon as possible. We told them that we were not planning on moving until our lease was up in September. They told us that was good enough and that we had to be moved out sooner. We have been talking to them for weeks and they keep getting meaner.

Case in point.

I went in today to sign my 60 day notice of non-renewal for our lease termination. My wife had signed and I was told that I needed to sign. I went in and asked for the paperwork to sign and was told that it wasn’t an issue. I was then immediately asked if I was moving out. I told the manager not at the moment, but was wanting to sign the lease ending agreement. She looked at me and said that I needed to give them a date of when I was leaving. I said as of that moment, when my lease ended. She said that I needed to be out as soon as possible, tomorrow if I could.

I just stared at her.

No, I asked for my paperwork to sign and they told about have we have to abide by their schedule and we needed to be out so they can do work. I told her that as soon as I know something i would let her know but I was not leaving tomorrow. She rolled her eyes and gave me the paperwork, which I signed and then left shaking I was so angry.

I am not a violent person. I don’t like it. I was closer to being violent than I have ever been before. I felt humiliation, depression, worthlessness. What had I done wrong? Why am I being pressured to leave?

I don’t feel safe in my own home knowing that she will try anything to get me evicted.

I am scared my friends.

I may have no home in which to hug my ponies….


PS. They have invaded my home. I was on the couch with my daughters watching TV and I had a workman knock on my door. When I answered he said he was here to replace the door and tried to come inside. I asked what he was doing and he said that he had a right to do it. 

I am now inside my apartment with no front door (they are replacing it now) with so much noise I cannot think. I am scared of who could come in when I am not home. I am scared of my own residence.

I have contacted a lawyer and they said until the try and evict us, there is nothing they can do. I have looked for someone to contact about this whole matter and every number I call cannot help me or I am told to leave a message.

I end this with tears in my eyes….