I have not posted for a while now. I have had good reason.
And here she is.
I’ll be back soon.
#hugapony my friends.
I have been in the busy season for conventions. August is very busy month for me. I have worked 5 events in 6 weeks, including several panels for my Invisible disability panel.
While this has been enjoyable helping and working, I have not had the time to sit down and write as much as I should. I apologize and I hope to be back in the swing of things soon.
Know that I love you all and that you are all wonderful people. I want you to remember that you (yes, you) are wonderfully made and are special to me.
This month as been one of the busiest of my life. I have never tried to cram so much into a month before and I don’t think I ever want to try it again.
I moved from my friends house the first week.
I had the convention A-kon in the second week.
I moved to my new place the third week. So much unpacking.
My wife is gone on a trip with our church’s youth group this last week.
Busy busy busy.
Sometimes that is what you have to do to keep moving.
Time is a terrible thing when you are fighting depression and anxiety. Time that is unfilled is then injected with your mind going crazy and irrational. Anxiety takes those moments and fills them with every possibility of what is going on, everything you should be doing better, and who is talking about you and your failures.
Depression then takes that moment, as you fight the thousand thoughts of anxiety, and hits you in the back. It reinforces your anxiety with the thoughts of you really ARE a failure. It is the rebar of your prison of concrete. It helps make your cell that much stronger.
Anxiety is about everything going on around you.
Depression is what your mind thinks of yourself.
Together they form a one-two punch that knocks you out.
So what do you do?
You keep moving.
You fill the time up in your day so that you never have a moments rest. You keep running away. If you can fill the gaps, the breaks of your day, it doesn’t give your mind the ability to pounce. You have one main thought. Don’t think, just keep swimming.
It is why we are so tired.
We can’t stop running or we have to fight. Or we stopped and let the guard down. We are fighting so much, we can’t focus on anything else until we drop from exhaustion. We have all our muscles tense from waiting for anxiety to drop the other shoe, or the depression to drag us down with chains, or for us to pass out in bed.
I can’t stop running. I can’t stop doing. I can’t stop. I must stay busy.
And so I fill my month with an unbelievable amount of things to do. God help me if I miss one or mess up on one. I just have one thought.
Don’t think, just keep swimming.
#hugapony my friends
Yesterday was a really rough day. Some personal things fell through, I was overly stressed taking my final test for the job (still no idea if I passed) and then I ended the day with a migraine.
It was not my favorite.
I had a close friend of mine give me some encouragement. I will refer to her as the Tea friend. Tea was so amazing and helpful because she goes through hell and back and still manages to take time to help me and others. She is one I look at and question my own pain and it makes me realize that I have no place to complain at times. She has been a wonderful friend for years and I love her dearly. She was also one of the friends that help me meet my wife.
I cannot thank her enough.
I am thinking, because life is about to be crazy for the next month, I am going to do a series on thanking people in my life. I hope it encourages you to remember to thank everyone around you.
I am in a total funk. I have not been myself and it shows. I have had so much happen this month and I am now at the end.
Only way to go is up right???
I have managed to survive (barely) this month and all its bad news. It has wore me down like water on a stone. Depression is always there for me but now it washes over me like a Texas flood. I hate the way it feels. I hate that I have reached this point.
I am now to the point that I am numb. I don’t feel anything. I just go about my daily tasks and try to not piss people off. I just feel so tired and cranky that I am biting people’s heads off even when they don’t deserve it.
Me being mean is a rare thing.
As someone who is a Canadian level of niceness, I tend to run with a much better attitude than I have been presently. Customer service skills are at MAX level for me as I try my best to do what I can to help the customer. I am just so frazzled by life at the moment that I just don’t have the willpower to be nice.
And it sucks.
Here is too a new month and hopefully better times. I am praying it will be so.
Hug a pony my friends.
I hit a rock bottom for me today. This was a low of a low today. Dark could not begin to describe my mood or my whole day.
Today started with me still in pain from not getting my medication due to the pharmacy issues. Me, being foolish, decided not to take my dose before going to bed and woke up in serious pain. I had slept horribly.
Not a great way to start the day.
I had not been in pain like this for weeks, since I started the new meds. I had forgotten how bad it was and I was reminded in the worse way possible. I realize now how bad it was and is and can be.
But I wasn’t the one hurting.
My wife has had a few car accidents in the past. Her family also has a history of spine and neck problems. There are days that it acts up. There are bad nights were she sleeps on it wrong. This was one of the dark days were it was bad. She woke up crying from the pain. She had been up most of the night. The pain was so bad, she had thrown up a few times. Any medication, food, even water she could not keep down. It was a bad moment.
I don’t do well with family being in pain. I can help others and deal with other people, but the moment it is my immediate family, it becomes different. I was not able to help her in this. I still had work and asked her if she wanted me to stay home. She told me no, that she would handle it. I got ready for work and on the way out told my daughters to behave and be good for mama.
I went to work feeling horrible and proceeded to have the same result there. Massive amounts of returns (almost half of that days sales to be exact) the same rude customers and more. I tried to pick myself up, the meds started kicking in, and I was struggling to deal with everything. My wife called me later that evening. She informed me that she had to get out of bed because my girls were tearing up the house, screaming, fighting, and becoming uncontrollable. She asked me to talk to my oldest daughter and calm her down.
I sighed and stepped into my backroom and proceeded to try and calm my daughter down. She is uncontrollable at times and this was one of those times. I have what is called their “getalong shirt” were I make them fit into one of my shirts with arm holes cut out and they have to do everything together.
They hate it, but it teaches them (hopefully) to get along.
She would not listen to me. I tried to talk but she kept interrupting me and would not let me talk. I snapped and told her I would be home in 5 min (I live very close to my store) and that she and her sister was in the biggest trouble they could imagine. I hung up on her, clocked out for lunch at work and drove home.
What awaited me at home was rock bottom.
I came home to a locked door that I could not open. I banged on the door when the key only unlocked the one lock. My oldest answered with the nervous scared look on her face. I told her to go to her room and I would be in there in a moment. I looked around to a disaster of a house and went to check on my wife. She had thrown up again and still couldn’t keep things down and she could not help with the girls. I came out and could not find my youngest daughter. I turned to my oldest and asked where she was. She told me she had told her sister to hid.
I was confused.
Why did you tell her to hide? Where is she? What is going on?
My daughter told me that when I had hung up, she had told her sister to hid so she wouldn’t get in trouble and that way I couldn’t hurt her.
I was dumbfounded and hurt.
Let me be clear, I have never hit, punched, kicked, or maliciously hurt my children in ANY way. There has never been a moment in anger where I have deliberately hurt them. There was no justification that I could think of that would provoke this thought.
I asked her to go get her sister and called them both in the living room. I had one of the hardest conversations in my life. I asked why they thought I would hit them. They told me that they had heard it. I asked where from and they couldn’t tell me. I told them in very clear words that I would never do that. I would protect them and that I loved them and that they could always come to me. I told them that it hurt my feelings that they would think that.
This was a new concept for them. Hurt daddy’s feelings? We talked about that and what would happen as punishment. I took away the TV privileges, the few video games and anything electronic. This was two-fold as I believe even the shows I allowed them to watch and kept an eye on what they were watching, was teaching them bad things. I asked them to get along for mommy’s sake. We spent a few moments crying and talking through things.
I then had to go back to work as I was late getting back. I left them instructions, and checked on the wife and went back to work. The pain that I had been avoiding all day decided to hit me once again, reminding me that, yes it was still there. I finished the day and could not wait to get off.
It was a terrible day.
I needed my pony.
I have a follow up to this post coming soon, I ask that you hold any questions about how we are doing. I have taken a day or two to compose my thoughts on this so I am writing it after the fact.
I have not forgotten this blog, dear reader. I have been busy. I have started in the journey for knowledge. I have to keep this post short as time for me is almost gone at this point, but I believe it is for a good cause. I have not even had time for my two favorite pastimes, reading and video games.
People have been asking me what I have gone back to school. I have been asked this question a LOT so I will come out and say it. I am in a online Tech school for CISCO certifications. I have decided to pursue my career in computers (something that I enjoy and love). I hope to finish my Basic in about a month or so. I am very excited.
I hope you will bare with me through this time, post here will be shorter. I hope you can stay with me and I will try and keep you posted. I have a few articles I want to get to and some other life changes coming.
Hug a pony my friends.