It is always darkest….

I hit a rock bottom for me today. This was a low of a low today. Dark could not begin to describe my mood or my whole day.

Today started with me still in pain from not getting my medication due to the pharmacy issues. Me, being foolish, decided not to take my dose before going to bed and woke up in serious pain. I had slept horribly.

Not a great way to start the day.

I had not been in pain like this for weeks, since I started the new meds. I had forgotten how bad it was and I was reminded in the worse way possible. I realize now how bad it was and is and can be.

But I wasn’t the one hurting.

My wife has had a few car accidents in the past. Her family also has a history of spine and neck problems. There are days that it acts up. There are bad nights were she sleeps on it wrong. This was one of the dark days were it was bad. She woke up crying from the pain. She had been up most of the night. The pain was so bad, she had thrown up a few times. Any medication, food, even water she could not keep down. It was a bad moment.

I don’t do well with family being in pain. I can help others and deal with other people, but the moment it is my immediate family, it becomes different. I was not able to help her in this. I still had work and asked her if she wanted me to stay home. She told me no, that she would handle it. I got ready for work and on the way out told my daughters to behave and be good for mama.

I went to work feeling horrible and proceeded to have the same result there. Massive amounts of returns (almost half of that days sales to be exact) the same rude customers and more. I tried to pick myself up, the meds started kicking in, and I was struggling to deal with everything. My wife called me later that evening. She informed me that she had to get out of bed because my girls were tearing up the house, screaming, fighting, and becoming uncontrollable. She asked me to talk to my oldest daughter and calm her down.

I sighed and stepped into my backroom and proceeded to try and calm my daughter down. She is uncontrollable at times and this was one of those times. I have what is called their “getalong shirt” were I make them fit into one of my shirts with arm holes cut out and they have to do everything together.

They hate it, but it teaches them (hopefully) to get along.

She would not listen to me. I tried to talk but she kept interrupting me and would not let me talk. I snapped and told her I would be home in 5 min (I live very close to my store) and that she and her sister was in the biggest trouble they could imagine. I hung up on her, clocked out for lunch at work and drove home.

What awaited me at home was rock bottom.

I came home to a locked door that I could not open. I banged on the door when the key only unlocked the one lock. My oldest answered with the nervous scared look on her face. I told her to go to her room and I would be in there in a moment. I looked around to a disaster of a house and went to check on my wife. She had thrown up again and still couldn’t keep things down and she could not help with the girls. I came out and could not find my youngest daughter. I turned to my oldest and asked where she was. She told me she had told her sister to hid.

I was confused.

Why did you tell her to hide? Where is she? What is going on?

My daughter told me that when I had hung up, she had told her sister to hid so she wouldn’t get in trouble and that way I couldn’t hurt her.

I was dumbfounded and hurt.

Let me be clear, I have never hit, punched, kicked, or maliciously hurt my children in ANY way. There has never been a moment in anger where I have deliberately hurt them. There was no justification that I could think of that would provoke this thought.

I asked her to go get her sister and called them both in the living room. I had one of the hardest conversations in my life. I asked why they thought I would hit them. They told me that they had heard it. I asked where from and they couldn’t tell me. I told them in very clear words that I would never do that. I would protect them and that I loved them and that they could always come to me. I told them that it hurt my feelings that they would think that.

This was a new concept for them. Hurt daddy’s feelings? We talked about that and what would happen as punishment. I took away the TV privileges, the few video games and anything electronic. This was two-fold as I believe even the shows I allowed them to watch and kept an eye on what they were watching, was teaching them bad things. I asked them to get along for mommy’s sake. We spent a few moments crying and talking through things.

I then had to go back to work as I was late getting back. I left them instructions, and checked on the wife and went back to work. The pain that I had been avoiding all day decided to hit me once again, reminding me that, yes it was still there. I finished the day and could not wait to get off.

It was a terrible day.

I needed my pony.

I have a follow up to this post coming soon, I ask that you hold any questions about how we are doing. I have taken a day or two to compose my thoughts on this so I am writing it after the fact.

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