Depression

I want to cry, but the well is dry.

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I am at a breaking point. There are times when I just barely find a reason to get out of bed. I am fighting to keep myself going each and every day and I feel myself slowly keep slipping further and further behind.

This has been a bad month.

My van broke down while driving for work. My wife and I suffered a miscarriage. My car blew a gasket. Work has pilled up to my eyebrows with no end in sight.

And my wife’s aunt who we have been taking care of just passed away.

This is a person I have looked to to get through hard times. In the last 3 years she has been through more hardships than other people people face in 20 years. She had her dog pass away (who was like a child for her). Her husband suffered a stroke. She worked and helped him recover and when he was just about done with physical therapy, he left for another woman. She was then diagnosed with cancer.

Twice.

She went through chemo and started on the road to recovery and had some ups and downs. She was finally on the road that was looking promising.

And then her heart gave out.

My dear readers, I cannot express the amount of respect I had for this woman who stood up to the hardships of life and still pressed on. How am I to complain about anything? How am I to compare my hardships with hers?

Tears. Tears are not enough.

Hug a pony my friends.

“My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” We will miss you Aunt Evelyn.

Depression falls

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I am in a total funk. I have not been myself and it shows. I have had so much happen this month and I am now at the end.

Only way to go is up right???

I have managed to survive (barely) this month and all its bad news. It has wore me down like water on a stone. Depression is always there for me but now it washes over me like a Texas flood. I hate the way it feels. I hate that I have reached this point.

I am now to the point that I am numb. I don’t feel anything. I just go about my daily tasks and try to not piss people off. I just feel so tired and cranky that I am biting people’s heads off even when they don’t deserve it.

Me being mean is a rare thing.

As someone who is a Canadian level of niceness, I tend to run with a much better attitude than I have been presently. Customer service skills are at MAX level for me as I try my best to do what I can to help the customer. I am just so frazzled by life at the moment that I just don’t have the willpower to be nice.

And it sucks.

Here is too a new month and hopefully better times. I am praying it will be so.

Hug a pony my friends.

Sabbatical

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I want thank everyone for the kind words and their thoughts and prayers. This past week has been extremely hard on my family. The outpouring of comfort and help is amazing and I was moved to tears.

I would like to also thank my dear readers here as well. You have kept reading and commenting in my absence and I have not been ignoring you. The path I have been on has been very dark for me. I plan on sharing when I, hopefully, get through it all.

Akon was a blast and the panel was extremely enjoyable. I know you had as much fun as I did. I plan on more posts on that later.

As I continue to battle nightmares, Depression, and more, I will keep on constant in mind.

Hug a pony my friends.

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Heartbreak and Loss.

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Ok family and friends. I wanted to provide an update from this past weekend of a personal matter that arose. I know that many of my Convention friends did not get to say goodbye to me or Gale and I wanted to share some insight.

We had a miscarriage this past weekend. Gale was about 6 – 7 weeks along and we hadn’t told anyone. We have had a miscarriage in the past and we wanted to make it through the first trimester. It looks like there were some hormone imbalances that caused the miscarriage. We have been to the doctor several times now and it was confirmed today.

“My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” My dear unborn child. I only got to listen to your heartbeat once, but it stopped mine completely. I will never be able to call your name, feed you, or take care of you, and for that I am sorry. I do believe we will meet again someday. I look forward to that day, and hope you do as well. Your mother and I love you. We will never forget you. Goodbye until next time.

Hug a pony my friends.

Almost falling.

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I am weary. My legs and arms are beat. My body is trying to rebel against me. The weight of the world is on my shoulders and I am slipping. Almost every aspect of my life is inducing stress on me at this moment.

I have been trying to post positive things. Talking positive leads to thinking positive, or so i have been told. I have kept a good face up for a lot of people. I have responsibilities to my family, friends, and employees.

I am just so exhausted of keeping it up.

I am tired of being called out for what i believe in. I have said before that I believe what I believe. I have never forced anyone else to believe it, and I stand firm in what I believe in. Getting called out or grouped together with being labeled as something because of my belief is tiresome. I am a Christian. That does not mean I hate people. I believe that we are called to love everyone. Stop calling me a racist, homophobic, think “I” am better than everyone else.

Enough.

You don’t know me.

This blog is me.

Hug a pony my friend

A road too traveled

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As you all have known i have been working a lot here lately. It has been very difficult for me here these last few weeks with work and with my personal life and with everything else going on and I hit rock bottom the other day.

This past weekend I managed to work myself to the point that I just literally shut down and did not want to speak or talk to or deal with anybody else. I was so tired I had to try to find ways to get my body to move and I was hurting so bad that I had my wife work on my back and she found a muscle not that one from the top of my spine to the base of my tailbone. She worked on it for about 2 hours before it just became too sore to even work on. I’ve been dealt with the soreness all the way through the rest of the weekend.

I had the opportunity to help some friends out with some plumbing issues and I was very lucky to have such close friends try and take care of me. I managed to worry them to the point that they didn’t even want me to help but I managed to go ahead and help them out and take care of their needs. They then sat me down, fed me and my family and just helped me relax and try to find ways to make me feel better. I am truly thankful to have such gracious friends.

I also found out that our apartment complex is trying to kick us out of our apartment about 4 months before our lease is up.  Between this and my pain and stress has caused my wife to have an extremely difficult time taking care of everything.

The whole icing on the cake has been my daughters who have really just been very very difficult to work with. With me being stressed out and not being able to take some extra time to deal with them has released cause them stress and just made our whole lives difficult. I love my daughters very very much but they always seem to find that one last nerve to dance on to just drive me up a wall.

I will say that I am doing better now I appreciate everyone has helped me out and I hope to have more positive news later this week as I have a few things going on in the background. I do have one really cool announcement to announce here soon that I’m hopefully going to be able to get everybody excited about.

Hug a pony my friends.

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Down from on high, redux.

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So i got a lot of feedback on my last post. It was about my store being visited by my new VP. I wanted to thank everyone who responded and please keep it coming. I love the involvement. 

While a few people pointed that this was a good thing that I was shown the attention and dedication from a VP, I was trying to take it in the heat of moment from my point of view. I have realized since then that it was great that he did this. At the same time, with how my brain works and how I react to things, I personally tend to get freaked and psych myself out. I have broken out in hives when I was younger to the point of almost being hospitalized because of excitement/anxiety.

So yes, the visit went well, my boss reaffirmed this with me later. And I learned more than I had in a while. It just can be hard to be brought down so many pegs at once. I tend not to build myself up (I am my own worst enemy by far). So when I do and get knocked down, I take it really really hard.

But you guys helped point out the good things.

Thank you.

Hug a pony my friends.

Doctor Redux.

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Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility;
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger. . . .

Henry The Fifth, William Shakespeare.

This was my 30 day check up today. This was a day back to the doctor. I was feeling a bit nervous as most of you know, I had a bad reaction to when I ran out this last time.

I was not a pleasant person coming into this.

I had quite a few things to say to the doctor. I was hurt, I felt betrayed. The feeling of trust I had was gone due to the fact that I had been through one of the worse weekends in a long while.

I was a bit nervous at first but it has gotten easier talking to her about everything. I explained everything I had been through and what dose I was taking. She agreed that it had been helping and that she say a difference.

So now, here I am with a 3 month supply and hope in my heart that I now have ally in this fight against my depression.

And I still have a pony to hug.

Death of a friend.

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I found out today that my pet dog that has been in the family for quite a while passed away today. He was a fantastic companion that was there for me in so many ways.

I got he when I first moved to Georgia for the first time. He and his 3 sisters were left in a box on the side of the road near our property.  Pretty common in the country. We all decided to keep one puppy each. The only other option was to euthanize them and after we had just rescued them we couldn’t do that. Besides there was something special about them.

I pick my Tyty out of the bunch because he came up to me out of the box laid down and fell asleep on me. I was still upset with moving away from family and friends that i had known for years and wanted nothing to do with the dogs, but he chose me.

I was touched.

We set about training them and guiding them. Along the way 2 broke out of the pen and ran away. Another broke into a neighbors farm and was shot (wild dogs are a very serious problem where we were so this was not uncommon) but my Tyty was still there.

He ran off a pack of coyotes that had circled the house one night (a very very long night with them howling).

He followed us through the woods on excursions.

He was there when I went off to college.

He was there when I came back.

He was there when I proposed to wife.

He had become a family member and was in our hearts for 14 years.

My sister texted me that he had passed. We are unsure how it happened as he was found near the road. My sister commented on how thos past month he had done so well they let him off the chain to roam around free. He had not gone after any farm animals in a while so they had trusted him. We both thought that him being free was good for his last month.

I promised myself i would not get emotional writing this but i have failed. Tears now run down my face and my jaw is clenched. Ty was my pet, my companion,  my friend, and my family. 

I’ll miss you boy.

You will be in my heart forever.

Love you Tyty.

Hug a pet and a pony my friends.

Aftermath

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I felt like a kid in that doctors exam room. I let things out like I have never have before. I couldn’t speak at times because speaking would be admitting I had a problem. I push the words out as best I could. I held and stroked my little Fluttershy so hard, I felt as if I would rub a hole through her.

The doctor was patient and took her time. I told her I was not a fan of doctors and told her why. She agreed with me that I would have no reason to trust doctors after what I had been through. She told me my options and prescribed some medication for the pain/depression and recommended therapy.

The first day after was great. I had lived so long with the pain that I had no idea what it was like to not have it anymore. It was almost intoxicating. To move and walk and talk without pain or to not have that constant ache that wears me down. It was beautiful.

Then came the next day.

I started off with a headache and took my pills and waited.

And waited

And waited

After the 2nd hour it was getting a little fuzzier but still that constant ache was like a faded memory. Soon after another side effect kicked in.

I itched.

I itched all over.

I ended up scratching and rubbing my nose so much, I looked like a crackhead. Did not help improve my mood.

Then today happened.

I went into work after a VERY rough night of me or the wife not sleeping and started going through my routine. Everything was going good until I opened and 7 different groups of people came rushing in. I spent the next hour being yelled at, screamed at, threatened, cursed out and treated like less than human.

Not a good day.

I will say the medication was nice in the fact that I could roll it off my shoulders for the most part but at the end of the day, I still went home with that same disappointing sadness and depression that I have known all too well.

Still, I will press on. I am going to try and relax and let this work. I am only 3 days in and have about a month to go. I can only hope that I can get better.

Hug a pony my friends. It may be the only thing going for you at the moment, but grab anything that can help.