Emotional

How Kindness Can Change Lives Daily

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

Hello my friends, and I wish you the best of times in the most trying of times it seems. We have had so much to deal with in the past few years, i feel like it is crushing to point of not breathing. In all of this, I am struck by just how much society and people themselves have changed and not for the positive. I am constantly reminded that we are not acting human or appropriately to our fellow person. I have seen so many people driving that should not be on the road with the amount of stress and headache they cause. I have had the door closed in my face when all it took was 1 second of time to hold it open after someone, but they were oblivious to their surroundings. I have seen the lines in grocery stores continue to grow and people become less and less aware that other people exist in the world and they are not the only ones in it. So many have just given up on caring about anyone but themselves. I find that heartbreaking.

Kindness has always been a theme of mine and something I have tried my best to champion. I believe that Kindness could change the world and heal so much if it was used appropriately. I have down my best to show that Kindness to the world, without regard to how it effects me (much to my detriment and it has been a learning experience my whole life). I have to fight through so much to get to the Kindness and I feels it bears repeat that I have fibromyalgia. Quick(ish) summary on things I deal with on a DAILY basis:

FIBROMYALGIA SYMPTOMS CHECKLIST
General Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Delayed reactions to physical exertion or stressful events
Other family members with fibromyalgia (genetic predisposition)
Sweats
Unexplained weight gain or loss
Cravings for carbohydrate and chocolate
Headaches & migraines
Vision changes, including rapidly worsening vision
Muscle & Tissue-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Pain that ranges from mild to severe, and may move around the body
Morning stiffness
Muscle twitches
Diffuse swelling
Fibrocystic (lumpy, tender) breasts (as an overlapping condition)
Sinus & Allergy-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Allergies
Post nasal drip
Runny nose
Mold & yeast sensitivity
Shortness of breath
Earaches & itchy ears
Ringing ears (tinitis)
Thick secretions
Sleep-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Light and/or broken sleep pattern with unrefreshing sleep
Fatigue
Sleep starts (falling sensations)
Twitchy muscles at night
Teeth grinding (bruxism)
Reproductive Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Menstrual problems
PMS (as an overlapping condition)
Loss of libido
Impotence
Abdominal & Digestive Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Bloating & nausea
Abdominal cramps
Pelvic pain
Irritable bowel syndrome (as an overlapping condition)
Urinary frequency
Cognitive/Neurological Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Difficulty speaking known words, other language impairments (dysphasia)
Directional disorientation
Poor balance and coordination
Paresthesias in the upper limbs (tingling or burning sensations)
Loss of ability to distinguish some shades of colors
Short-term memory impairment
Confusion
Trouble concentrating
Staring into space before brain “kicks in”
Inability to recognize familiar surroundings
Sensory Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Sensitivity to odors
Sensitivity to pressure changes, temperature & humidity
Sensitivity to light
Sensitivity to noise
Night driving difficulty
Sensory overload
Emotional Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Panic attacks
Depression (as an overlapping condition)
Tendency to cry easily
Free-floating anxiety (not associated with situation or object)
Mood swings
Unaccountable irritability
Heart-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Mitral valve prolapse (as an overlapping condition)
Rapid, fluttery, irregular heartbeat
Pain that mimics heart attack, frequently from costochondritis (as an overlapping condition)
Skin, Hair & Nail-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms
Pronounced nail ridges
Nails that curve under
Mottled skin
Bruising or scaring easily
Hair loss (temporary)
Tissue overgrowth (non-cancerous tumors called lipomas, ingrown hairs, heavy and splitting cuticles, adhesions)

It can be immensely difficult to deal with these. I share this so others may realize that I fight this and still manage to show Kindness, it is that important to me. It hurts, a lot. I will continue to give Kindness despite these symptoms.

Through this, I have still tried to show the Kindness I want to see in the world. The little things, like “Please & Thank You”, letting someone take my spot in line when I see them struggling. Giving grace when there is someone who is in need. Not judging, Kindness. Telling people they matter. Telling people that they belong. Doing the absolutely bare necessity in being a decent human being (in my mind) so that people may have hope that the world is not all bad. To give the help we want ourselves. You have to be the change you want to see in the world. Sometimes its hard. Its even harder for others. I know some of the kindest people I have met went through/are going through the worst horrors. If we can still be kind, so can you. 1 time a day to start. I believe in you.

I love you all, and I wish you all the very best. #hugaplushie my friends

Ode to a Life Now Gone

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

Gone forever, my life of dreams
behind the bend forgotten
seeing all these memories
that have since turned rotten

Echoing inside my head
My happiness now lost
this empty chamber, hollow now
remembering the cost

Of feelings and empty loneliness
gathering in me still
crashing waves of hopelessness
attack, intent to kill

My mind is shut and signs are out
Don’t open, dead inside
Is normal a possibility?
Or just some foolish pride

Down I go, into the black
drowning forevermore
My heart is stopped, joy all gone
This life now falling to the floor

Hope will fade and shadows call
In this world of night
Darkness has consumed me
My life was never right

Its OK to cry.

/ Codefreak / 2 Comments

I cried today. It was not pretty. I had tears in my eyes and snot running out of my nose. I felt the build up to it most of the day. It was a wellspring of emotion that has been building for longer than I can remember. It took awhile to get to the surface and I found myself holding back. I did not want to cry and feel the liquids of sadness run down my face. I wanted to buck up and be a man. I wanted to hold it back and “be better”.

Not crying is not “being better.”

So much has happened in the last 5 years that has led to this build up:

My love was rejected and lost.

My children are gone most of the time from my life.

I have lived in 5 different places.

I have lost and gained employment.

My happily ever-after was trashed.

Life is stuck at home.

Death and sickness are all around.

People are tired, angry, fighting, politicized, and uncaring.

Kindness has left us and in its place is hate.

There is plenty of things to cry about.

Crying is freeing in part because it is your body making physical the emotions that are in your brain. It is not evil, as Gandalf would say. It is an outpouring of thoughts in a salty discharge. It hurts so bad inside and begs for release so it can be realized as a real, tangible thing. It is hard to hide crying. It forces you to deal with your current state of being. It breaks you down so you can eventually rebuild.

I look at the state of the world and I cry. I see so many people hurting others, so many others hating. Is there not enough pain in the world that we have to go out find more things to hurt others? Why has the love and peace been taken? There are plenty of things to cry about.

I invite those who need it to cry with me. I give no shame or evil to your need to cry. I join with you in a brotherhood of tears. If you need a sign that its ok to cry, this is it. Release some of the pain and suffering in your own life. Stop fighting the tears. It is ok to cry.

Wrapping this cry in a blanket and seeing that, once again, I must be strong tomorrow because it never stops coming, I look at anything and everything I do to make a difference. I help others and be kind. I say hello and open the door. I try with all my might to share that love and kindness I so desperately desire. We cannot find in the world what we do not give. I am not stopping what I do and how I can make a difference, no matter how small.

It has been a long 5 years…

I love each and every one of you. Thank you to those who were with me in my life, those that are here now and those that are not. I give you a rest stop to cry. It is ok. I will be here after.

#hugaplushie my friends

Post Apocalypse Meltdown

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“The building was on fire and it wasn’t my fault,” (Harry Dresden – Blood Rites, by Jim Butcher). It is a fitting view of the world today. Seeing horrific news and the spread of a virus can feel quite overwhelming. Seeing the stock market crash, then rebound, the to be told we are headed for a deep recession/depression coupled with the loss of hundreds of thousands of jobs makes for a hard time to live in your own head. And living in your own head has become the normal with current stay-at-home orders limiting your social interaction. It is quite overwhelming for anyone and my hearts go out to you all.

As we slowly open up businesses in the current state of affairs that plague our planet, I find myself seeing more and more people reacting harshly to one another. We have people being shot over not wearing a mask. We have businesses being threatened to open so they may serve others. I read about the shops that do open and have new standards in place to protect their employees and customers  only to be told by customers that the rules are not wanted and berate employees into quitting. I am saddened that the time in our own homes has lead to rash actions and violence.

When this pandemic started, we saw a world take care of each for a small moment. We wept and helped our neighbors. We reached out to encourage one another. Has this time inside lead to a more difficult time? With people going outside, have we so quickly forgotten that everyone else is in the same place? Will this be how the pandemic be remembered by, not the neighbor helping neighbor, but by the actions after the fact showing people’s truer nature?

I worry what this means to everyone.

I am reminded of the times I spent in retail. Peoples actions screams volumes. How people respond to hard times shows us more than we care to admit. I saw a Tumblr post that I had not seen in a while and I think it sums up the aftermath of the quarantine.

When people suffer, how do they respond? Do they grow and get better? Will they try and keep the peace? Or will they lash out and yell because they have been miserable. Will they show anger? Will they yell at others who are trying to remain safe because seeing a mask reminds them they are not? How callous can you be to scream at others for trying to protect themselves (and you) because you don’t like to see something that not only helps you and others, but you berate them into submitting to your will.

Watch peoples reactions coming out of this pandemic. It is very telling of the person you are dealing with at this moment. May you all be safe, Thank you to front line workers, doctors and nurses, and all others taking steps to keep everyone safe.

#hugaplushie my friends

I have been away from writing for a while and I just want to say I missed you all. I am trying my best to continue in the personal changes in my life and I have had to step away from writing in the interim to focus on myself. I hope this post finds you well, dear reader, and that you have a wonderful day. 

Resolute Resolution

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

As we come to the midpoint of the first month of the year, we come into the time period where most of us abandon our “New Year’s Resolutions”. The first 15 days are difficult and making a habit to keep takes from 21-30 days according to most studies. So I have one question for you, dear reader.

How well are you doing?

I will be the first to admit I am not perfect. I have messed up a day or two. It has been extremely difficult to keep going with depression and my physical condition. I also tried a new thing where I started my “resolution” the day after Christmas. This way by the time New Year’s rolled around I was already a week into my workout and diet.

Now I would say again I have missed a day or two. I also weighed myself and I am 5 pounds (2.2 Kilos) HEAVIER then I was when I started the diet. It can be extremely discouraging to put time and effort in and not see the returns just yet. I understand the pain of not seeing the fruits of your labor.

Now is not the time to quit. Now is the time to push through. Now is the time to say I will continue instead of giving up. Given up? Time to start back. The key to it all isn’t failing. The key is to continue going even after falling. You pick yourself back up and you start again. Fell again?

Keep going.

Life isn’t going to stop because you fell. As much as wish we could get a break, or we make a break, life gives us no chance to catch our breath. Then, when we take a breather, we end up living in a “break“. In the moments where we are finding ourselves, take the day off, all activates that we need to recharge ourselves, we stay there.

Are you living in a break?

Find the motivation. Listen to the music that boosts you. Find that small reward at the end of the day that gives you the focus to make it through. Now is not the time to live in a break.

Now is the time to live for yourself.

#hugaplushie my friends

Tired tired tired everywhere.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

I have been so tired in the most recent weeks. Going back to work has taken its toll on me. My wife and kids have felt it as well. Starting school and keeping up with all the different jobs has been exhausting. I barely have time to function.

I came across a meme that help summarize how I have been feeling. I do feel that fibromyalgia could be changed to almost any chronic disease. I would be very presumptuous to think we have the corner on pain.

I am pressing forward. I am doing my best not to let this hold me back.

Any prayers would be most appreciated.

#hugapony

Labor Day quickie.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

I find the title funny because I am now employed! I am back in the labor force and am going to be stocking shelves overnight at a big box store. My family is in need of a little extra income to make it through the month and pay some bills off. I really wanted to be able to make my blog work on donations or my convention work to pick up the slack but that is not the case.

I hope everyone remembers to treat others as humans this weekend and not like robots. I do believe in good karma and treating our fellow man as a person and not a cog in a corporate machine. As you encounter people working this holiday weekend, go out of your way to say thank you. Make them feel special. You could help save a life.

Love Letter

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

We all need love. As humans, it is something we all want. I want everyone on this blog to know that I love you. You read this blog and by doing so you show me love. I am called by my God to love everyone. I do my best and try to help those I love. I feel my purpose is to share love in this world. I feel my purpose is to help others. I have a wife whom I love dearly. I have two amazing daughters that I love.

And I have all of you as well.

 

If you ever feel like no one loves you, bookmark this page. Read it again. Watch an amazing video. Leave a comment (once or a thousand times), I will respond each time. Someone loves you always. I believe that by sharing love, we might be able to stop some of the hate.

I love you all.

#hugapony my friends.

Contentment v Complacent

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

I have been know to be complacent from time to time. I get caught in a rut and just coast through my day as best as I can. While not good, I have felt that it just gets me through another day and I am able to hope for a better one tomorrow.

Contentment is something I am striving for now. I want to be content in what I have and what I live with. Contentment is feeling happy regardless of your life at that moment. It is looking for the joy in your life and the small things that help make it through the day.

I find that a lot of people confuse the two. They are not interchangeable. Complacent is lazy. It allows people and events around you to control you. It forces itself on you. You become Complacent. Contentment is looking and choosing to accept what is going on around you. You can still have bad days and be content. It is a state of being.

I have tried always to go from a human doing to a human being.

I am by no means perfect. My wife likes to comment on how people try to be perfect and strive for that perfectionism; people who try, always fail at being perfect. I agree, no one will ever be perfect. But you can be content. People who are content live better lives with less stress.

Now please don’t mistake contentment with complacency. You can be content and still strive for a better life with more in it. Here is where people veer off and think that by being content they do not strive for more. Complacency does this. You accept your lot in life and that is all you can hope for. The cards dealt you a hand that is horrid and you got to play on through. Contentment is realizing that you might can win with your cards already but, if not, you get another round the next deal.

Complacency is stagnant.

Contentment is found joy.

I have had to do serious thinking about my life and my mental and physical health in the recent months. I have had to make choices that will affect my life. I have had to recognize my own complacency. I have just accepted my fate and I have to live with it. We all have to live my mental illness and disability. I am making those around me, nay, forcing those around me to accept me and my condition.

Selfish no?

I now acknowledge that I started that path. I am not proud of it. I am now working towards contentment. I am working on helping others; either through panels or my blog or even a phone call from a friend. In a most recent panel, I talked about how my life has given me a superpower, my condition. It makes me more aware and effective in helping others. If I can show compassion and help others, who else will it inspire? I am choosing to be a better person and be content.

So I ask you, are you content or complacent?

I choose joy. I choose to find joy. I choose my soft plush ponies to hug and help me through bad times and am thankful for them. I am thankful for my family and friends who accept me. I am choosing to be grateful for my life. Complacency is a breeding-ground for bitterness and bitterness helps no one.

What do you choose?

#hugapony my friends.20141024_131856

Helping hands.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

I had a solo panel at Anime Overload in Austin, Texas this past weekend. I managed to speak clearly, not break down crying, and I hope I change some lives.

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It might not show it here, but it was an almost full panel with most of the chairs filled (including my thumb at the bottom right corner of the screen!). One of the things I do at this type of panel is close the door and make it a safe room. We keep what happens behind those doors safe and secure. Stories that are shared and experiences that happen are locked for only those in the room to hear.

I enjoy the help it brings to others. I have been asked to continue this type of panel for at least two other shows. It shows the growing need to talk openly about things like depression and other mental illnesses and give support to those who need it. I have been blessed to have people support me on this adventure and I am humbled to have been put in this position.

One thing I notice in this panel is the raw emotion that comes from the room. Being able to handle that and to deal with it has never been easy. I spent the first hour after this panel trying to keep to myself and deal with all the emotional energy that comes from talking/venting/sharing. I have yet to see a panel where at least 50% of the attendees did not cry (myself included).

Now this is not just a panel about openly talking about our lives but also how to help others and ways to deal with problems. I always invite people to share their lives and experiences with others to show what works and doesn’t work. I share my life and ways to help others. I push them to form a community of individuals to bond together and to build support groups.

At the end of the day I was able to talk to several people closely and give them some guidance in their lives. I was approached by the directors toward the end of the convention because someone (or more than one I am not sure) spoke out at a meeting requesting me to continue to do the panel. Again, humbled was just the first thing I felt.

I am drained at the moment but happy. I enjoy helping people and it makes me want to do more. It takes a lot out of me to speak like this but I hope to get better at it. If you were at the panel and want to leave a comment OR you would like to request a panel for a convention, leave a comment.

Leave a comment to just say hey if you want, I will respond.

Thank you all for your love and support.

#hugapony my friends