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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a very long weekend. I got to see friends and family. We had an incredible time with hardships and laughs. I thank every one for their service in volunteering and hoped all the attendees had great time.

A few quick notes. I loved the panel that I got to help lead. I feel the group had fun and we loved putting on the show. If you attended the panel make sure to drop a line. I will have more info on it all later.

I wanted to share that during the convention I experienced a personal family emergency. We are very shaken up and ask for your thoughts and prayers. I will update when I can. I ask for patience in this matter and thank  you for understanding.

Hug a pony my friends.

In memorandum.

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And Caesar’s spirit, raging for revenge,
With Ate by his side come hot from hell,
Shall in these confines with a monarch’s voice
Cry “Havoc!” and let slip the dogs of war,
That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial.

Julius Caesar Act 3, scene 1

I don’t  know why but that was in my mind  on this memorial day. I have tried to remain non political on my blog as a rule. I don’t believe honoring our fallen heroes is political. All that needs to be said is “Thank you for your services”

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Hug a pony my friends.

Our 1 on 1 podcast!

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So, I managed something really cool this past week. I have decided to venture further into this realm of blogging and taking a few awesome steps in a big way. The first one was me taking the initiative and doing something professional in this. I had thought of a few things that would throw me in the mix but it really came down to my wife and a great opportunity that fell into my lap.

My wife is part of a networking group that helps small business. She is part of a direct sales company and was reaching out to expand her business. One of the gentleman in the group, Scott, runs an online podcast about people’s stories, businesses, and more. My wife suggested that I speak to him to further my career.

We talked about it and I agreed to do this and I did not know what to speak about to promote myself professionally. I do have lots of skills and talents and I wasn’t sure which to speak upon. My dear wife then suggested that Ispeak on my blog.

Me?

Talk about my blog?

In a professional format?

Oh my.

So I met with Scott and he was fantastic. He had an awesome setup and his demeanor was bar none.

And so without further ado, me.

In D flat minor.

Daniel Permenter, My Stuffed Little Therapy

…before the Dawn.

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And now the conclusion for the previous post.

It was a rough day the other day. I had not prepared myself for the follow up. The following day was a day to remember.

But this time it was in a good way.

I actually enjoyed work for the first time in a while. I was able to make it through the day and not have a bad customer (that in and of itself was a miracle).

My wife is doing much better. She was able to get up and get around the house. Almost back to her old self. We have looked into a plan to get her back into yoga as that has helped before and should do so again. I am crossing my fingers that it all works out.

My daughters have been angels. Now that is common for them to behave good for a few days but this time, there seems to be a deeper connection. My oldest is taking more responsibility and is working things out with her sister.

And no one is talking about hitting the other person.

To encapsulate this whole day, I got one of my last Plushies in for the Build-a-bear My Little Ponies, SPIKE!! I did win the bid on him and he is in great condition.

I find myself in an unusual situation. I am not one for “The sun will come out, Tomorrow!” (too bright and cheerful, bleh) but I did feel I needed the win. While this may not help you all, please share in my win. I spread it around to all.

While I use this blog to help get things out of my system, i have a habit of always trying to help other people to the fault of putting myself at risk. But in this I share, share in the joy of a win. If its yours or mine or someone elses, share joy.

And there is no greater joy than I know of, then hugging a pony.

Anxiety now?

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So I have been on medication for almost 2 weeks now. I have been without pain from the day I started.

It has felt amazing.

My headaches have not been there. My back is loosening up. I have slept well. This isn’t to say I haven’t had a few side effects but overall, it has gone well.

And of course, today happened.

I have been running low on my medication. I have been meaning to call the doctor and talk to her about as I will run out before I will see her again. I called to get a refill and found out she had not prescribed one.

Ok no big deal.

I call my doctor’s office and ask to see if I could get another refill on it and they readily agreed. They told me they would talk to the doctor, and they would be contacting the pharmacy.

That was yesterday.

Today, I had not heard from the pharmacy. I called the automated line and it kept saying that it had not been filled. Getting anxious, I decided to call the pharmacy. I was not prepared for the quick conversation that followed.

“Yes I am calling about my prescription refill.”

“Name, Date of birth”

I replied with the correct information.

“Ah yes sir. I see that this was a prescription that did not have a refill. The doctor has informed us that this will be the LAST time we will be refilling this prescription. We will not do this again.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your prescription was refill will be done in an hour please come by to pick this up then. Thank you”

*click

I was stunned. I have never had a refill for this before. Heck, I have never had this medicine before.

I felt Ashamed and embarrassed. What had I done to be treated like a drug addict? Why was this said to me? Was my doctor mad at me? Did they think I was abusing my dose?

It was this downward spiral was further pushed down due to me being late on my medication. I had not had a panic attack in a while but this started a mild one for me. The feeling that I was alone and that no one believed that I needed to take my medicine. This is what had kept me from going to the doctor for many years along with the lack of courage to admit I had a problem and the willingness to do something about it.

This did quite a number to that.

I have talked to a few friends of mine and was told by a few that I was treated not only poorly but that this could be major violation. I have calmed down, and taken my meds.

I will be hugging a pony tonight.

Mini post!

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I have a mini post today as I have completed a very long week at work (yes, in retail our weeks are different from yours as this thing you call the weekend just means we are busier).

As it so happens, like always, life is coming down hard on me and iis making it difficult to post. My wife has been sick and with the incredibly busy week at work, I have not had a chance to get one of the post I have been meaning to get out complete. Fear not though, I will be back and hopefully in greater numbers.

Hug a pony my friends.  Here is a picture for your amusement.

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Death of a friend.

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I found out today that my pet dog that has been in the family for quite a while passed away today. He was a fantastic companion that was there for me in so many ways.

I got he when I first moved to Georgia for the first time. He and his 3 sisters were left in a box on the side of the road near our property.  Pretty common in the country. We all decided to keep one puppy each. The only other option was to euthanize them and after we had just rescued them we couldn’t do that. Besides there was something special about them.

I pick my Tyty out of the bunch because he came up to me out of the box laid down and fell asleep on me. I was still upset with moving away from family and friends that i had known for years and wanted nothing to do with the dogs, but he chose me.

I was touched.

We set about training them and guiding them. Along the way 2 broke out of the pen and ran away. Another broke into a neighbors farm and was shot (wild dogs are a very serious problem where we were so this was not uncommon) but my Tyty was still there.

He ran off a pack of coyotes that had circled the house one night (a very very long night with them howling).

He followed us through the woods on excursions.

He was there when I went off to college.

He was there when I came back.

He was there when I proposed to wife.

He had become a family member and was in our hearts for 14 years.

My sister texted me that he had passed. We are unsure how it happened as he was found near the road. My sister commented on how thos past month he had done so well they let him off the chain to roam around free. He had not gone after any farm animals in a while so they had trusted him. We both thought that him being free was good for his last month.

I promised myself i would not get emotional writing this but i have failed. Tears now run down my face and my jaw is clenched. Ty was my pet, my companion,  my friend, and my family. 

I’ll miss you boy.

You will be in my heart forever.

Love you Tyty.

Hug a pet and a pony my friends.

#FluttershyFriday 2

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Once again its friday and we have fluttershy. But this time she brought some friends.

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So once upon a time there was a horrible company that sells stuffed animals and they had a sale on ponies. This horrible company took all my money because of this. I tried to resist but i couldn’t stop myself.

I am not a strong man.

I think i will comfort myself with hugging my ponies….

Day zero.

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I am writing this post in a few separate days as I wont to document my self and questions and thoughts that I am having without having to post it just yet. I feel that doing this will help me get through this week or at least these past few days.

48 Hours remaining:

I am laying in my bed and I can’t sleep. I go to the doctor on in three days for depression. I had swore to myself I would never take any drugs or do therapy with a psychiatrist. I don’t want some head doctor who gets kickbacks from Zoloft to recommend the latest, greatest pill popping solution. I have never felt fear about this like this before. Thoughts race through my head.

What if I get taken away?

What will happen to me?

Will it change me?

How will it change me?

I don’t want to give up my ponies.

Will my friends and family still recognize me?

It wasn’t until about a month ago that I was talking to a friend while working at a convention that I realized what my fear is. It is not the drugs per se, like I thought it was. It was the fear of being fixed. It is the fear that “Yes, I am not well” It is hard to acknowledge that you are broken.

I am still scared.

24 hours remaining:

I am in pain.

I find this a good thing. It is odd but whenever I plan on getting help is when my body starts to do better and makes me second guess myself about seeing a doctor about anything. I got the call to confirm the appointment tomorrow.

I confirmed.

I have had such a rough day. I was woken up by an alarm call at my store at 1 am, requiring me to go check it out. I was trying to go to bed early because of meetings all day the next day. I sat in over 8 hours of meetings, along with a 2 hour car ride to get to said meeting and back. My body has been through so much stress with this meeting (lots of work changes) and with seeing the doctor tomorrow. I have been just holding on.

And then, life happens.

We are during our lunch break when my boss comes up to me and asks if I remember an old coworker. I told him I did but that I hadn’t seen him in about 2 years. My boss gave me his phone and said read this. I read through some messages from an old manager peer who was informing my boss that the employee I knew had committed suicide last week. He had sent pictures from the funeral.

That kinda tumbled my day the rest of the way down the drain.

I am now home, resting, waiting.

This final day of waiting…

Day zero:

I awoke to a knot of anxiety in my chest. Cold sweets and pain are my bed fellows. I have a few hours left. Even now i second guess myself. My throat and mouth are cotten dry. My back aches and groans.

And yet, I still wonder if I should see the doctor.

I am still emotionally with friends who are reeling from the lost of one of us. We all talked about how fine he was when we last saw him.

Suicide is never painless.

Zero hour:

I am in the waiting room. They have just taken my paperwork. There were several times I almost turned around driving here.

My arms locked on the steering wheel.

My breath is erratic.

I am beyond stressed.

Oh, my dear foe. We meet again.

I promise myself, I will not cry.

We have done this dance for 15 years. At last, we will see if I can get some help.

It is time. They have called me. My last feeling is:

Too many to describe. I thought i could find one but i can’t.

Hug a pony my friends. I know mine is clutched tight. I will see you in the aftermath.

#Fluttershyfriday

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I have been busy with work (and SNOW!) and I have a big personal announcement coming soon along with other posts. I do have a picture to share, and due to it being Friday, and the voice actress of Fluttershy, Andrea Libman, said it was Fluttershy Friday, I am sharing!B-zTt42UcAEepDk