#prayers4dallas

I am calling for prayers and good will to those of us here in Dallas. This was 15 min away from were I live. This is way too close to home for me. I will resume normal posts at a later date. I and my family and friends are fine. I pray for peace for the families of the fallen. Thank you to those who serve.

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#weallneedaponytonight

Oh day of days continuum.

I guess I should have waited to post yesterday. Life it seems was not done with me that day.

After getting home from the doctors, I was able to eat, calm down, and talk to my wife. She and I talked about how we were going to get through the weekend.

After we both had calmed down, she took the kids to the park and I sat down to rest. I was destressing and remembered that I had a rescheduled doctor’s appointment. I also had to let them know my availability for this next month as I have a few Conventions and thanksgiving coming up as per my agreement when I was hired.

I called them up and speak my boss and gave him the rundown of what was going on (he had been concerned earlier that week). I told him that I need Monday off for my appointment and the select other days off. He said ok, he understood my situation but that due to my lack of availability due to my kidney stones and the rest of my Conventions, he was going to have to fire me.

I was stunned.

I asked what had changed as we had agreed to my schedule being flexible and I was told they changed their plans and were needing a full time position and that with my needs they couldn’t keep me.

I stuttered and was confused and I asked if I could maybe work make up days to help cover or something. He refused and he thanked me for my work and that he would have liked to keep me but with all the stuff going on with me, he couldn’t keep me.

I thanked him for his time, he wished me the best and hung up.

I stood for a second, and then fell to my knees.

I didn’t know, I still don’t know what to do.

Ponies might not be enough…..

I am trying my friends. I just don’t know anymore.

Free Flying

I have always dreamed of flying. I was flying back from Las Vegas and I happened to get a window seat. I have said before I have an overactive imagination. I enjoy seeing things from a birds eye view. Staring at the clouds from the top side just gives you a sense of awe. My heart skips a beat when seeing something that can’t be seen without the help of a wonder that is air flight. I find myself discouraged at the fact that most people can taking airplanes so casually. Sailing the air above the clouds and seeing the rays of sun well before they reach the ground. I looked out that airplane window and saw freedom.

A birds freedom.

And now we come up to a day that, for Americans, tends to bring sadness and grief. Rightly so, but I remember vividly the time and place when a nation hit her knees. I remember the times when people helped other people. It wasn’t a black lives thing or a white power. It was people.

People helping people.

Humans, being human.

I look back and think of some better times. If you have flown in the past 14 years you know that it is changed dramatically. I have seen the change in people and the change in attitudes. Now I try not to judge, hell I have changed more than a lot. I just wonder were our humanity has gone. In a day and age of being offended, I find myself more and more saddened by the state of everyone. This goes for everyone, not just Americans. I look at humanity and I get sad.

I know I am a romantic. I tend to get sad over the little things and get overwhelmed at the big things. People have often wondered why I let people walk over me. I get trampled upon and looked down upon. I act out for the benefit of others. I do what I can to show others how to be nice.

How to be human.

How to feel free again.

Flying through the air is exhilarating. The birds eye of things, showing you how small you really are. Cars look like ants, and you can’t even see people. You just see yourself.

Are you happy with you?

How free are you?

How human are you?

What have you done in the past few hours, days, weeks, for another person? It could be as simple as not yelling back at the customer who spent the past 15 minutes cursing you out. It could be that you provided a car so someone can get to a job. It could be just a smile to the right person.

It could just you being human.

Not a human doing.

A human being.

Hug a pony my friends. I love you all.

 

 

Roller Coaster Ride.

I find myself growling at everyone and everything. The mood I have been in has been terrible for the past week. I cannot find a way to shake it. I am taking everything hyper personal. The world is out to get me.

Or at least that is how i am taking it.

I am tired of being told that i take things to personal. I am a person. You tell me something. How am i supposed to not take it personally? I am getting real tired of people telling me things that “I take the wrong way”. Why can’t it be someone else’s fault? I am tired of baring the burden of the world.

My shoulders are tired.

I should be happy. I got my car working again. I am looking to sell it now. Not too much luck there. Everyone else can sell their cars in a day for twice the asking price, but i get told that my heap is worth $137.

I am trying to dig myself out of this hole i am in. I feel buried alive.

I hate myself.

I feel bad that I am having trouble caring about things.

I feel guilty that I can’t feel better.

My heart sags under the weight of know that I am a burden to others.

I feel I cannot speak my mind because my opinion doesn’t not hold weight.

People say they care, and they want to listen. I sit quietly and hold and comfort them. I wait patiently for my turn. But when my turn comes, I just am complaining.

My opinions don’t matter.

My ponies don’t fix that,  no matter how much I hug then.

Trapped in my head screaming but no one can hear me.

I want to cry, but the well is dry.

I am at a breaking point. There are times when I just barely find a reason to get out of bed. I am fighting to keep myself going each and every day and I feel myself slowly keep slipping further and further behind.

This has been a bad month.

My van broke down while driving for work. My wife and I suffered a miscarriage. My car blew a gasket. Work has pilled up to my eyebrows with no end in sight.

And my wife’s aunt who we have been taking care of just passed away.

This is a person I have looked to to get through hard times. In the last 3 years she has been through more hardships than other people people face in 20 years. She had her dog pass away (who was like a child for her). Her husband suffered a stroke. She worked and helped him recover and when he was just about done with physical therapy, he left for another woman. She was then diagnosed with cancer.

Twice.

She went through chemo and started on the road to recovery and had some ups and downs. She was finally on the road that was looking promising.

And then her heart gave out.

My dear readers, I cannot express the amount of respect I had for this woman who stood up to the hardships of life and still pressed on. How am I to complain about anything? How am I to compare my hardships with hers?

Tears. Tears are not enough.

Hug a pony my friends.

“My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” We will miss you Aunt Evelyn.

Sabbatical

I want thank everyone for the kind words and their thoughts and prayers. This past week has been extremely hard on my family. The outpouring of comfort and help is amazing and I was moved to tears.

I would like to also thank my dear readers here as well. You have kept reading and commenting in my absence and I have not been ignoring you. The path I have been on has been very dark for me. I plan on sharing when I, hopefully, get through it all.

Akon was a blast and the panel was extremely enjoyable. I know you had as much fun as I did. I plan on more posts on that later.

As I continue to battle nightmares, Depression, and more, I will keep on constant in mind.

Hug a pony my friends.

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Heartbreak and Loss.

Ok family and friends. I wanted to provide an update from this past weekend of a personal matter that arose. I know that many of my Convention friends did not get to say goodbye to me or Gale and I wanted to share some insight.

We had a miscarriage this past weekend. Gale was about 6 – 7 weeks along and we hadn’t told anyone. We have had a miscarriage in the past and we wanted to make it through the first trimester. It looks like there were some hormone imbalances that caused the miscarriage. We have been to the doctor several times now and it was confirmed today.

“My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” My dear unborn child. I only got to listen to your heartbeat once, but it stopped mine completely. I will never be able to call your name, feed you, or take care of you, and for that I am sorry. I do believe we will meet again someday. I look forward to that day, and hope you do as well. Your mother and I love you. We will never forget you. Goodbye until next time.

Hug a pony my friends.