Self care day 20:Cleansing

One of the things I have learned in traveling a bit is to clean the house before you leave. Coming home to a clean house, where everything is put away and you have a place to relax is amazing after a trip. My mother used to have us clean any time we left so we could come home, sit down and relax. It is some of the best travel advice I have gotten.

That and finding the proper amount to tip the TSA agent for groping me.

I am not a very tidy person. I have been known to be a bit messy. My desk at the moment is covered end to end with books, bills, papers, medications, and toy ponies. My bedside table has several books on it, some I have not read in over 2 weeks. I drive my wife nuts as I am still trying to attempt to take my clothes to the hamper.

I am not proud of it.

Now, There are times when I get in a fit and can’t stand it anymore. I see the clutter and the mess and I have to clean. Everything. Pick things up, straighten up, whatever it takes to bring discord into order.

I have felt it help my mental state so much.

Some days are harder than others at getting around the house. The weather at the moment is turning stormy and I can feel it in my body aches. However, I know that if I take some time and do a deep cleaning of the house, dusting vacuuming, scrubbing my desk down, I know that it will improve my mental state vastly. My wife likes to clean when she is stressed out because it helps her focus. Seeing the mess is a constant reminder of the fact it needs to be picked up and put away. Getting it done is a fantastic way to ease some burdens off the mind.

I have found that after a good house cleaning that taking a long hot shower helps relax you further. Sometimes it isn’t just mental clutter that needs to be picked up. It is a real mess that needs it.

And that is something you can control and fix.

You can control and fix something.

And it can effect you, mentally.

#hugapony my friends.

It is always a pleasure bring you more day to day posts. I will continue to do so until the end of February. Please make sure to comment, share and follow along as I share some simple things to better your life!

As my world turns.

It has been more than an interesting couple of weeks here in my life. Seems the world is turning a closer eye upon me and is creating some interesting drama (both good and bad). I have started working overnights for a big box retailer as you know if you have read the blog so far and my body has slowly been fighting me more and more. Sleep does not come easily and when it finally takes over I end up in bed for 16 straight hours and miss out on my family and friends.

Depression, it seems, has returned to mess with me.

One of the more pressing issues in my life is the fact I am having to cut out my main medication for pain/depression. The side effects have been rough and growing and I was informed of the possible of seizures. Considering I have been taking this medication 3 times a day for 2.5 years makes me a bit concerned. I am slowly cutting back on the doses until I am able to get off of it fully but my body is already rebelling against me. Pain, it seems, has returned and brought friends.

I am just coming off of Nightmare Nights in Dallas, a personal favorite convention of mine. I have been involved in helping train some of the security staff there and the head of security, whom I work for at this convention, showed how much he has grown. I stood back and observed more than I had in many years working a convention and I couldn’t have been prouder of what he has accomplished. He and his team worked their tales off (pun intended) and handled things in such a professional manner. My security Lead thank me for the time and training I had put into him but he more than earned what he did. I know people who have worked for years and not had the poise to handle the stress nor the calming attitude it takes. Pride is not an emotion that comes often to me but in this case I was beaming with it.

I am also beaming with pride at my wonderful daughters. They have been so joyous in the upcoming baby and looking at new things to get when the baby arrives. We have had quite a few times of lost tempers and late nights with them, but they have been open and receptive. They have brought much joy to me and my wife.

My wife has been progressing at her new job and making leaps and bounds in advancing her career. She has jumped in with two feet and is making a difference. She is pushing forward with new training and helping and working all while growing a person inside of her. She is my life and my joy and I cannot imagine life without her.

As I continue on in life, I have decided to expand upon an idea that I have held in my mind for quite a while. I have always had the belief in taking time to personally thank people, send a message of encouragement, or just to be there for them. I have had a few opportunities pop up for these events to occur and I have tried to pounce upon them when they do. One of my faiths biggest commandments is to love one another and I hold fast to that. Loving people.

Simple concept, difficult to execute.

I hope to make a difference in peoples lives and to show them that they matter. Everyone needs love, including myself, and I can only hope for opportunity to bring it to them.

#hugapony my friends.

I am worthy.

I love my wife. She is one of the most honest, blunted person I know. She will tell you how it is if you ask for it. She lets you make mistakes but will help you if and when you ask for it. It was one of the reasons I married her.

She told me my biggest issue is my lack of self worth.

I argued back about confident people and how they can appear to be stuck up in a lot of cases and how I didn’t ever want to be like that. She told I had no worry about that, but that is not what she had said. She said I lacked the belief in the worth I had as a person. I agreed and tried to make a joke but she brought me back over and over again. 

You need to work on your self worth. 

Now, in my mind, telling myself I am worth something over and over seems cliché. Watching videos of football players pump themselves up and motivational speakers also came to mind. I knew what my response was.

Anxiety can have the fear of never being good enough. You can try and try but it’s never enough. However much you stack your worth it is never high enough.

Depression is a hole, in which you can never fill the feeling of being good at all. It makes you stay in bed and never leave because of the emptiness inside. 

The two are circular and when you have both they make it almost impossible to break. I told her all of this and her response was simple.

Have you even tried lately?

I took stock in the thought patterns I had had in the past few months. I looked at my good weeks (were they actually good) and the bad (more of these than I would want). Had I given up? 

Yes. 

I made a decision. I would spend the upcoming months working on my self worth. I would document my progress on here and the methods I used. I would share how my wife and friends would help me along the way. I will use this soapbox of a blog of mine to help more people. 

Who knows. Maybe it will turn into a book.

#hugapony my friends.

Apologies post number 1.

This will probably be one of many as life has taken a turn for the busy.

I have started a new retail job (yay?) and it is an overnight position. It makes it fun when you come home to everyone sleeping in the morning. This has taken more of my time than I care to admit. 

The new job has also taken a toll on the body. I am in more pain than usual and it is harder to keep up with my writing. I have to fight to just get up and walk around some days. I can force myself at work to keep going and I have always had a tremendous work ethic so I am having to learn to pace myself more and more. It is hard because I fight my brain on being lazy.

I have been given a newer perspective on life during this. I have been forced to stop and think before I speak. While my writing has always been a better outlet for composing my thoughts (I highly recommend that if you want to focus your mind better, writing things down clears the head), I am now forced to think before speaking. This is partly in due to the medication and symptom (mind fog) that makes it incredibly hard to get words out. 

I want to thank my dear wife and wonderful kids on being patient with me and repeating themselves several times over so I can acknowledge what they are saying.

I hope to continue to write as an encouragement to you, dear reader. I hope that you find strength and hope in what I write. I love you all. 

#hugapony my friends.

Love Letter

We all need love. As humans, it is something we all want. I want everyone on this blog to know that I love you. You read this blog and by doing so you show me love. I am called by my God to love everyone. I do my best and try to help those I love. I feel my purpose is to share love in this world. I feel my purpose is to help others. I have a wife whom I love dearly. I have two amazing daughters that I love.

And I have all of you as well.

 

If you ever feel like no one loves you, bookmark this page. Read it again. Watch an amazing video. Leave a comment (once or a thousand times), I will respond each time. Someone loves you always. I believe that by sharing love, we might be able to stop some of the hate.

I love you all.

#hugapony my friends.

The woman of my life.

This is a very special post. This is dedicated to the only person in my life to whom I have put my whole faith, love, and devotion. It has been 10 years since our “I Do”.

She has stood by me through prosperity and poverty. Through sickness, death, and more. She is my rock, my safety, my great love. She has loved me when I found ponies. She BOUGHT me my first plushie.

She was one of the few girls at my college that caught my eye. She stood out special even then. She has an old world grace with a fiery spirit that tells it how it is. She has brought into this world 2 beautiful, talented, and super intelligent daughters. She has taught me to stand when I needed to stand.

That isn’t enough time in the world to say how much I love her or what she had done for me these last 10 years. Story after story she is the heroine and Savior. She has depths of compassion that no one can fathom.

A while ago I wrote her a love letter here. It never came close to showing her how much she means to me. I know this won’t do much either. All I can do is continue to love you and show you how much you mean to me over the next 10 years of marriage. I plan on doing that.

Happy anniversary my sweetheart. Never forget what you mean to me. Thank you for reciprocating our love. Love is a choice not a feeling and you chose to love me.

Your dearest husband and your best friend,
D.

image

#hugapony my friends

Pride, meet Fall.

The the human race is a very prideful race. You can take pride in your job. You take pride in your house and care. You take pride in your health, wealth, and everything. You take pride in helping others. Cosplayers take pride in costumes. Gamers take pride in their skill. Writers take pride in their words.

It is hard to accept help because that means you cannot hold to your pride of doing it yourself.

It be very humbling to sit there and accept help from others. I’ve been blessed beyond measure with friends and family who helped me in my life. I have seen more generosity and grace in the past few years then the rest of my life combined.

I am beginning to think humble is not a strong enough word for me anymore.

I humbled by the acts of my wife. She has carried the burden of children. She has stood by my side through fire and danger, poverty and wealth. She amazes me every single day.

I am humbled by the acts of my daughters. When they just come into my room to say that they love me. When they ask if I am having a bad day due to my mental issues. When they bring me a blanket and plushie because they heard me have a bad phone call. “Oh ye little pitchers with big ears.”

I am blessed beyond measure.

There are difficulties admitting that there’s something wrong or that you need help. Even if it’s meeting that means admitting it to ourselves. I have been put into many situations in the last few years that has made me ask, beg at times, for help. There is no pride in begging. Only someone broken on their knees.

I have had to ask, and still ask, for patience in my anxiety and depression. Being overwhelmed is never something you want to go through. These are issues I would not wish on anyone.

Last but certainly not least, I want to say “Thank you”.

To you reading this, you give me hope and inspiration that I can maybe help you understand my life. Maybe I bring entertainment and funny stories. I might even bring a small amount of joy to you. I thank you.

Thank you everyone who has been there for me personally, financially, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. If I had time, and I want to make time, I would write each one of you and thank you personally. Let this be a statement, no, a declaration of thank you on this, my small part of the internet.

Thank you all who read this.

I don’t believe we say thank you enough in society. I want to change that. I will do it to any and everyone. Thank you for being here, on this earth. I challenge everyone to say thank you more.

One person at a time.

#hugapony my friends

#stuffedtherapy

Dear love of my life.

My darling wife is an amazing person. She is strong, beautiful, smart, and keeps me fascinated every day. I have never been more thankful in my life to have met her.

When I was young, I was a weird kid. Go figure right? I was six when I started praying for my wife (who ever she was) and that God would bless her, keep her safe, and to one day let her know I was here on earth. I prayed that prayer almost every night until I was 14 and continued to pray that prayer at least once a week after that. I was raised to be a gentleman and to love everyone, so I took these lessons to heart and was the nicest person I could be so that one day, I could be the best person for her I could be.

It wasn’t until college that I met her. I saw her a couple of times around campus and we even had a few mutual friends. I knew from the first time I saw her she was special. There was an air about her that just was different and exciting. Through many upturns and downturns, we managed to grow closer together and finally became best friends.

And best friends tell each other everything.

It was then that she first saw the dark depression that was in me, eating away at my existence. She saw my social anxiety first hand. It was then that she started standing up for me to someone that had never been stood up to like that before.

Myself.

She fought my depression for me. She was able to see the two sides in me that waged war and she poked and prodded until she could find that part of me and squash it. It was a very painful process as it is hard having someone be that truthful to you. It looks and feels like being attacked by your best friend. And it is just that. They are attacking you.

That foul part of you that you can’t distinguish from yourself.

She has stayed with me many years now and has fought beside me through many of my battles. She keep watch over me when nightmares invaded my sleep of a time I had blocked out. She held my hands to keep me from hurting myself. She encouraged me to see a doctor to get more help.

She even bought me my first big stuffed pony for my birthday (Fluttershy of course).

I am coming up on our 10th year anniversary this year. I could never ask for a better friend. I could not ask for a better wife. I could not ask for a better warrior. She is my life.

I love my dear.

I would rather hug you every day.

#hugapony

Just a stone’s throw.

I have not had a chance to write here in the past few days due to a medical complication. I managed to survive but it was not an easy ride. On this past Monday I was at work when I felt a slight pain at my side and the need to rush to the restroom. I sprinted (gently) to the room only to have the pain increase. I did my business and left feeling only slightly better. As I walked out of the room I was hit with some of the worse ( at this time) pain I had ever felt in my life.

I have had a kidney stone in the past. It was not a pleasant experience and I did not expect to repeat the performance. My colleges at work were extremely helpful and watched over me for about an hour until I could pull myself up off the floor. I was curled in the fetal position as I whimpered in pain. A completely helpless feeling.

I hate that.

I was driven home and crawled into bed on a heating pad. I was feeling better and could move around. I took it easy the rest of the day. And then the night came.

And also the pain.

I spent most of the night on the floor pleading with God asking for help. My cries of pain and agony woke my dearest wife. She sat helpless to help me as there was nothing she could do as this stone of great pain ripped through my body. When you have a kidney stone, you just try to find a position that relieves the pain some. Anything will help.

Hour upon hour passed until the dawn broke. Still the pain lasted. I sat on a heating pad for most of the day and drank as much water as I could. Pain came and went throughout the day but the evening came brought some relief. I had not seen the stone but I had hoped it passed. I ate some dinner (first real food I had eating besides a few small snacks). I felt well enough to hop on a video game and play with some friends. I had not been playing with them too long when once again I was struck with pain that overwhelmed the body.

Sweat and tears ran down my body. The agony had doubled and now there is no relief in sight. The hardest part is the fact there is no end. It is just constant pain. If it came in waves or if you could get a break (like I did during the daytime) I could have handled it much better. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but this broke me. I could not find relief. As a fever took hold of me, I stepped into the shower to cool my body and to help hydrate myself. Cool water washed over me, cooling me. it brought the pain down some. Some was the best I got.

Hour upon hour of straight agony is too much for anyone. I would not wish this upon my worse enemy. My body could not keep up with the pain. I threw everything I had eaten up in. Nausea washed over me. My stomach twisted with the rest of my body. No medication would stay down. Water that was drank would come up an hour later. I pushed and pushed trying, willing, pleading for the stone to move. Only one thing met me after each try.

More pain. More twisting.

Morning broke as I managed to grab about 20 min of restless sleep. After 12 straight hours of pain you would have hoped I would have passed out. I came to the realization that I would not be able to pass this without help. My wife and I went and dropped my daughters off with a friend. We then rushed to the ER. Agony was still my bedfellow as I was admitted. They gave me some heavy duty narcotics which, unfortunately, did not seem as heavy duty as they made them out to be.

And then the tests and scans came.

More meds and waiting followed.

After about 6 hours of being there, the doctor told me that I had mostly passed the stone and I was in the last stages of the process. She prescribed more meds for pain and to help push things along.

About an hour later I was the parent to a brand new kidney stone. I will never be able to truly put into words how painful and helpless it was. I did manage one picture (with a pony of course) that I will share. I hope you all have had a better time than I have this week. I will now go rest a body that is sore with muscles that should not be sore.

Hug a pony my friends. I now await my hospital bills…..

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Pig time.

I have always had bad days. I go about my day and can fake being nice with the best of them. In my mind however, I have 9 different conversations, and am holding so many balls that I am juggling I impress myself with holding it together. The problem is what thoughts I have.

They mostly negative.

And mostly about me.

I have always been my own worst enemy. I have a tendency to look at the more realistic side of a situation but these leads to the more negative outlooks on situations. This leads me to think the worse. It gets worse when I am stressed.

And let me tell you, I have been stressed.

I am on my seventh day working with 2 more to go. I have been putting together a job fair for work for the past month. I have had to put together a meeting for my whole staff. I have had to attend 2 full day meetings. My vehicles are barley holding it seems. My daughter’s have been sick. I have been sick. I have had some unexpected expenses which has overdrawn my bank account twice in the last week (both fortunately I have taken care of).

And I have been dreaming.

You have to realise that I don’t dream. When I was younger, I would have terrible night terrors that would haunt me. My imagination is a thing of legend, let me tell you, and not being able to control it was a needless to say difficult. I got into the habit and trained and prayed to the point that I would not dream.

Now most people tell me I must not remember these dreams but I still had them. I know that might be the case for some but I can tell you, I rarely ever dream. When I do it sticks out in my brain like a splinter. It eats at me. It rubs me raw.

And last night I dreamt.

It one of my warning signs I am hitting a stress limit.

After work today my mind was toast. My wife took me and told me all the good things in my life. I wouldn’t listen.

She had reason to worry.

The other day, I lost myself. I hit a limit that made my mind shut down. I hardly moved for almost 4 hours.

I didn’t speak the entire time.

People passed around me and tried to talk to me but my body could not respond. I felt trapped in my mind. My thoughts clawing to get out. I couldn’t  do it. My dear wife ended up forcing me to sit down to gather myself. Friends were called and I was put on watch.

I feel so guilty.

I feel the burden of being burden to others.

I should be able to take care of myself, I am a grown man.

But I couldn’t.

Instead, I wallowed in my depression.

Like a pig in mud.

Ponies my friends. I hug them. May they help me sleep.