Author: Codefreak

Ebb and flow.

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I find myself in more and more of a bad mood. I am constantly having to check myself as I go about my day. I am growling at friends and family, and I am so exhausted all the time.

Ah depression, how I know thee.

I have had a bad run of things in the past month. Each time I thought me and mine’s life might be turning better, Life would find a way to knock the legs out from under us. I have cried more this past month than I have for almost 5 years. I have seen pain and heartache from the people I care the most about. And I have been sleeping hugging a pony.

I am not sure if it is helping.

I find depression likes to hold you down. It makes you want to stay in bed because facing the day is just too much. My days tend to be long and with with lots of people, some good some bad. The social interaction can wear on me as an introvert. It builds and builds until I am worn out. It doesn’t help the way I think or act as well.

For example.

I will have a plush pony on my person pretty at all times. I keep them in my pocket or on my belt loop. I sometimes need a quick rub of a plush’s nose to help my body calm down. It works very similarly to a security blanket. The problem comes when judgemental people see them and do what they do best.

Judge.

I know I have faced criticism from all fronts and have been put up as a spokesman of sorts as I can tend to voice reason with people. Others are not so lucky. I have had more than one person come to me scared because the secret is out about liking My Little Pony. I congratulate them and say welcome to the herd. They all get nervous and scared.

I hate that.

Why do you have to live in fear because of something that you like? Why do we not allow blankets and teddy bears after the age of 6? Is it because they don’t need “baby things”? Is it because we have to grow up?

I just will keep on keeping on. I will continue to be a safe person to come to about these things. Know my friends  that I will not back down. Even depressed as I might be at times, it just goes to show that I take the medicine that I talk about.

Tonight I will sleep, hugging a pony my friends.

I want to cry, but the well is dry.

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I am at a breaking point. There are times when I just barely find a reason to get out of bed. I am fighting to keep myself going each and every day and I feel myself slowly keep slipping further and further behind.

This has been a bad month.

My van broke down while driving for work. My wife and I suffered a miscarriage. My car blew a gasket. Work has pilled up to my eyebrows with no end in sight.

And my wife’s aunt who we have been taking care of just passed away.

This is a person I have looked to to get through hard times. In the last 3 years she has been through more hardships than other people people face in 20 years. She had her dog pass away (who was like a child for her). Her husband suffered a stroke. She worked and helped him recover and when he was just about done with physical therapy, he left for another woman. She was then diagnosed with cancer.

Twice.

She went through chemo and started on the road to recovery and had some ups and downs. She was finally on the road that was looking promising.

And then her heart gave out.

My dear readers, I cannot express the amount of respect I had for this woman who stood up to the hardships of life and still pressed on. How am I to complain about anything? How am I to compare my hardships with hers?

Tears. Tears are not enough.

Hug a pony my friends.

“My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” We will miss you Aunt Evelyn.

Oh the joys of retail.

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You know how it goes. You work retail, you help a bunch of customers, make a few people smile, stock some shelves, answer the phone.

And the someone threatens to get you fired.

So it went like this today. I was have your typical retail day. Some good customers, some rude ones, and all the ones in between.

Then I had a young man come in want to buy something that has an age requirement. I asked him if he was og age and he said no. I asked if his parent or legal guardian was here and he said no. He said he had his mother’s ID and that she said it was ok to sell him whatever he wanted.

Dont they all.

When I refused he then asked if he could put his mother on FaceTime and give permission that way and, while being a new one I hadn’t been asked, I said no. He then called his mother and told her the situation. He then said that she wanted to talk to me.

Oh joy of joys.

I answered the phone and was immediately greeted with curse words and bitching (cause that helps everything). I explained that this was something I could not override only to be told that I was being a jerk and just didn’t want to sell her son the item (and not make money evidently). She explained that she was a peace officer who had a disability and couldn’t come up there and that I should just sell her son what he wanted. I refused.

She then asked to speak to my boss, who isnt at the store, and i told her I would ask for her sake but it probably wouldn’t change anything. I called, my boss agreed with me, he reaffirmed that I would lose my job if I did do it and I picked back up the other phone.

Once again I explained that I could not do it and that I would lose my job only to be interrupted with how horrible of a person I was and that I would be fired over this injustice and she wanted my name, my boss’s name, his boss’s name and the number for my corporate offices. I, in her mind I guess, was the worst person in the world.

I gave her all the information she asked for and even managed to suggest that she go online to order the item so it could be shipped to her house but that was not good enough.

Some people just can’t be pleased.

Sigh, hug a pony friends. My head hurts. 

Depression falls

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I am in a total funk. I have not been myself and it shows. I have had so much happen this month and I am now at the end.

Only way to go is up right???

I have managed to survive (barely) this month and all its bad news. It has wore me down like water on a stone. Depression is always there for me but now it washes over me like a Texas flood. I hate the way it feels. I hate that I have reached this point.

I am now to the point that I am numb. I don’t feel anything. I just go about my daily tasks and try to not piss people off. I just feel so tired and cranky that I am biting people’s heads off even when they don’t deserve it.

Me being mean is a rare thing.

As someone who is a Canadian level of niceness, I tend to run with a much better attitude than I have been presently. Customer service skills are at MAX level for me as I try my best to do what I can to help the customer. I am just so frazzled by life at the moment that I just don’t have the willpower to be nice.

And it sucks.

Here is too a new month and hopefully better times. I am praying it will be so.

Hug a pony my friends.

Black and white and red all over.

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There has been huge changes in the social landscape over the past few weeks. I know a few that has affected my town, my state and the entire country. There have been battle lines drawn and fingers pointed. There have been yelling and screaming and shouting from rooftops. There have been friendships ended and new ones forged. Facebook has become a battleground of social issues.

And I hate it.

I find myself more and more hating social media. Yes this is hypocritical of me as I use it and promote through it. I also enjoy the family and friends I get to converse with.

But this hate needs to stop.

ALL HATE NEEDS TO STOP!

I am tired of being labeled as black because I don’t agree with white.

I am tired of being told that I am a “white lover” because I don’t agree with black.

(For sake of clarity, I am using “black and white” as showing two sides to an issue, not as a skin colour)

The problem now days is people HAVE to label other people. It does not matter how they think or what they think. People must be labeled. They must be categorized, quantified, and put in a box.

Why is that?

Where does that lead?

It causes division. ‘

I hated division.

I hate being thrown into the farthest depths of a social issue just because I disagree with you. I hate people who assume that because of my belief or life style or skin colour or age or sex or ANYTHING AT ALL, I must believe or think some way.

This leads to division.

And that is just on the road to hate.

I rarely see honest, opinionated discussions that don’t end with “YOU ARE A BIGOT” or some other derogatory remark. Just because I disagree with you or your life style or anything does not mean I hate you.

My belief calls on me to love everyone as myself.

I try my best.

I also love ponies.

Hug a pony my friends.

PS This is not directed at anyone or any group or anything. This is just about hate no matter who it comes from.

Sabbatical

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I want thank everyone for the kind words and their thoughts and prayers. This past week has been extremely hard on my family. The outpouring of comfort and help is amazing and I was moved to tears.

I would like to also thank my dear readers here as well. You have kept reading and commenting in my absence and I have not been ignoring you. The path I have been on has been very dark for me. I plan on sharing when I, hopefully, get through it all.

Akon was a blast and the panel was extremely enjoyable. I know you had as much fun as I did. I plan on more posts on that later.

As I continue to battle nightmares, Depression, and more, I will keep on constant in mind.

Hug a pony my friends.

image

Heartbreak and Loss.

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Ok family and friends. I wanted to provide an update from this past weekend of a personal matter that arose. I know that many of my Convention friends did not get to say goodbye to me or Gale and I wanted to share some insight.

We had a miscarriage this past weekend. Gale was about 6 – 7 weeks along and we hadn’t told anyone. We have had a miscarriage in the past and we wanted to make it through the first trimester. It looks like there were some hormone imbalances that caused the miscarriage. We have been to the doctor several times now and it was confirmed today.

“My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” My dear unborn child. I only got to listen to your heartbeat once, but it stopped mine completely. I will never be able to call your name, feed you, or take care of you, and for that I am sorry. I do believe we will meet again someday. I look forward to that day, and hope you do as well. Your mother and I love you. We will never forget you. Goodbye until next time.

Hug a pony my friends.

Home again

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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a very long weekend. I got to see friends and family. We had an incredible time with hardships and laughs. I thank every one for their service in volunteering and hoped all the attendees had great time.

A few quick notes. I loved the panel that I got to help lead. I feel the group had fun and we loved putting on the show. If you attended the panel make sure to drop a line. I will have more info on it all later.

I wanted to share that during the convention I experienced a personal family emergency. We are very shaken up and ask for your thoughts and prayers. I will update when I can. I ask for patience in this matter and thank  you for understanding.

Hug a pony my friends.