I have had inventory at my store and other things going on at work. I know some of you have been worried that I have not posted updates so I am here commenting letting you know I am here and am looking forward to getting back to posting. While you wait, here is a Pony to keep you company
.
I felt like a kid in that doctors exam room. I let things out like I have never have before. I couldn’t speak at times because speaking would be admitting I had a problem. I push the words out as best I could. I held and stroked my little Fluttershy so hard, I felt as if I would rub a hole through her.
The doctor was patient and took her time. I told her I was not a fan of doctors and told her why. She agreed with me that I would have no reason to trust doctors after what I had been through. She told me my options and prescribed some medication for the pain/depression and recommended therapy.
The first day after was great. I had lived so long with the pain that I had no idea what it was like to not have it anymore. It was almost intoxicating. To move and walk and talk without pain or to not have that constant ache that wears me down. It was beautiful.
Then came the next day.
I started off with a headache and took my pills and waited.
And waited
And waited
After the 2nd hour it was getting a little fuzzier but still that constant ache was like a faded memory. Soon after another side effect kicked in.
I itched.
I itched all over.
I ended up scratching and rubbing my nose so much, I looked like a crackhead. Did not help improve my mood.
Then today happened.
I went into work after a VERY rough night of me or the wife not sleeping and started going through my routine. Everything was going good until I opened and 7 different groups of people came rushing in. I spent the next hour being yelled at, screamed at, threatened, cursed out and treated like less than human.
Not a good day.
I will say the medication was nice in the fact that I could roll it off my shoulders for the most part but at the end of the day, I still went home with that same disappointing sadness and depression that I have known all too well.
Still, I will press on. I am going to try and relax and let this work. I am only 3 days in and have about a month to go. I can only hope that I can get better.
Hug a pony my friends. It may be the only thing going for you at the moment, but grab anything that can help.
I am writing this post in a few separate days as I wont to document my self and questions and thoughts that I am having without having to post it just yet. I feel that doing this will help me get through this week or at least these past few days.
48 Hours remaining:
I am laying in my bed and I can’t sleep. I go to the doctor on in three days for depression. I had swore to myself I would never take any drugs or do therapy with a psychiatrist. I don’t want some head doctor who gets kickbacks from Zoloft to recommend the latest, greatest pill popping solution. I have never felt fear about this like this before. Thoughts race through my head.
What if I get taken away?
What will happen to me?
Will it change me?
How will it change me?
I don’t want to give up my ponies.
Will my friends and family still recognize me?
It wasn’t until about a month ago that I was talking to a friend while working at a convention that I realized what my fear is. It is not the drugs per se, like I thought it was. It was the fear of being fixed. It is the fear that “Yes, I am not well” It is hard to acknowledge that you are broken.
I am still scared.
24 hours remaining:
I am in pain.
I find this a good thing. It is odd but whenever I plan on getting help is when my body starts to do better and makes me second guess myself about seeing a doctor about anything. I got the call to confirm the appointment tomorrow.
I confirmed.
I have had such a rough day. I was woken up by an alarm call at my store at 1 am, requiring me to go check it out. I was trying to go to bed early because of meetings all day the next day. I sat in over 8 hours of meetings, along with a 2 hour car ride to get to said meeting and back. My body has been through so much stress with this meeting (lots of work changes) and with seeing the doctor tomorrow. I have been just holding on.
And then, life happens.
We are during our lunch break when my boss comes up to me and asks if I remember an old coworker. I told him I did but that I hadn’t seen him in about 2 years. My boss gave me his phone and said read this. I read through some messages from an old manager peer who was informing my boss that the employee I knew had committed suicide last week. He had sent pictures from the funeral.
That kinda tumbled my day the rest of the way down the drain.
I am now home, resting, waiting.
This final day of waiting…
Day zero:
I awoke to a knot of anxiety in my chest. Cold sweets and pain are my bed fellows. I have a few hours left. Even now i second guess myself. My throat and mouth are cotten dry. My back aches and groans.
And yet, I still wonder if I should see the doctor.
I am still emotionally with friends who are reeling from the lost of one of us. We all talked about how fine he was when we last saw him.
Suicide is never painless.
Zero hour:
I am in the waiting room. They have just taken my paperwork. There were several times I almost turned around driving here.
My arms locked on the steering wheel.
My breath is erratic.
I am beyond stressed.
Oh, my dear foe. We meet again.
I promise myself, I will not cry.
We have done this dance for 15 years. At last, we will see if I can get some help.
It is time. They have called me. My last feeling is:
Too many to describe. I thought i could find one but i can’t.
Hug a pony my friends. I know mine is clutched tight. I will see you in the aftermath.
Yes in three days, I will be doing something I swore I would never do. It has been a long road to this point but I feel that it needs to be done. This life decision is possibly bigger than me going back to school. I hope it helps me.
I know, I know. I said I was done with these tacky build ups but to be honest, I love them for the suspense.
Hug a pony my friends.
I have not forgotten this blog, dear reader. I have been busy. I have started in the journey for knowledge. I have to keep this post short as time for me is almost gone at this point, but I believe it is for a good cause. I have not even had time for my two favorite pastimes, reading and video games.
People have been asking me what I have gone back to school. I have been asked this question a LOT so I will come out and say it. I am in a online Tech school for CISCO certifications. I have decided to pursue my career in computers (something that I enjoy and love). I hope to finish my Basic in about a month or so. I am very excited.
I hope you will bare with me through this time, post here will be shorter. I hope you can stay with me and I will try and keep you posted. I have a few articles I want to get to and some other life changes coming.
Hug a pony my friends.
So yes it is my birthday. I turn 30 today (woohoo!). I post today to ask a favor. A birthday present if you will.
Please share this blog!
Yes, I have resorted to shameless tactics to promote this (no shame here).
I only ask because part of this blog is for me for therapy. The other part is to encourage others. To be able to share and talk about life. To be able to express the love for pastel colored horses, even if you may not fit the “norm” for liking it. I hope to one day to have helped someone. Depression and self criticism are terrible things.
So please share this blog anywhere you see fit. Thank you all! I love you guys for the support you have shown me!
HUG A PONY MY FRIENDS!
So. I have teased this long enough. I said I had an announcement a bit ago and I have been dragging it out. I have lead many of you, dear readers, along this merry journey. I have gone back and forth about telling you anything. I am doing it right.
And I am still doing so, for my own amusement.
OK, enough is enough. I have have decided to go back to school.
OK, settle down with knives and pitchforks, I know it wasn’t the earth-shattering news you wanted but this is a big step for me. This is especially hard for me as I will be still working a full-time job (more so being salary in retail [YAY mandatory 44+ hour weeks!]). I will still be a father of two very active little girls. I will still have to help a wife who is starting to take off in her side job, after being a stay-at-home mom, by selling awesome nail wraps (which are really awesome, so awesome I will plug them here http://www.gale.jamberrynails.net/ [LOVE YOU SWEETIE]).
This was a choice that I had made a few weeks ago. I have had enough of retail at the store level and I want to get out. This makes me sad as I really enjoy helping people. I read a beautiful blog post a friend on WordPress pointed out (Hi, http://shopgirlanonymous.com/) . You can find it here https://wordpress.com/read/post/id/82926123/86/ . It talks about those exceptional customers that make your day. People who bring a smile to your face. Making customers for life because YOU helped them find that perfect item that just made their son/daughter/parent/friends day.
I know I have had more than a few.
Encouraging the little boy of his enjoyment in little pastel colored ponies.
My wonderful husband and wife couple who comes in every week. They came to see me for the first few months at my store. I was a new face at the store and they encouraged me when I saw them. We got to know each other, she had battled cancer, he was retired helping her. They are good people. We laughed and joked at new things, old things, and everything in between. I almost lost it when He came in one week and I asked where his wife was. He calmly explained how she was back at the hospital, the cancer had come back. A few weeks later they both came walking back into my store, she had lost about 30 lbs, he was helping her. I was close to tears when she saw and stopped me. She told me to dry my eyes and that she wasn’t dead yet and If was going to cry on her, I would be useless to her. She made a few VERY off colored jokes about death and had such an amazing attitude about it, anyone would feel better.
There are moments like these that make customer service beyond worthwhile. I treasure each and every one of these. But, I feel a change is needed. For every one of these there are ten more of some rabid customer who is practically foaming at the mouth to sue you over not having the right color item that no one has ever made.
It makes me sad.
And So, I will continue to pursue this education. I think it will help me further my career path and want to expand my horizons. I ask for your help and encouragement in this endeavor. I will be walking that path with a plush pony in my pocket. Thank you all.
Hug a pony my friends. Spread some cheer.
I have been busy with work (and SNOW!) and I have a big personal announcement coming soon along with other posts. I do have a picture to share, and due to it being Friday, and the voice actress of Fluttershy, Andrea Libman, said it was Fluttershy Friday, I am sharing!
I love a good personal story. Reading or listening about someone’s life or an adventure that someone has taken can be enrapturing to me. Now I could tell you a story with just facts, lay out each detail in a row and let it just stand there on its own. It would be a story of pure substance and give you all the direct information you need to understand where I am coming from.
Or.
I could take you on a mind journey, using words that flutter along like butterflies, turning phrases like leaves in an autumn breeze. Protruding a story from every intonation of my voice, mannerisms in my movements, or even the glint in my eye that shows a diamond like twinkle.
That, that is the story I want to read.
Or in this case listen. I enjoyed this short little video that popped up randomly on my Facebook. It was shared by Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters, on their public figure page. Again just a simple short story, beautifully told, and it captivated me.
I invite you to listen as well dear reader. I hope you enjoy.
So work was killer this last week. I have so much going on, it is not even funny. Let me list this out for you.
1.My RD (regional director, My boss’ boss) left the company. This was a man who I respected and who gave me a lot of encouragement. He had been with the company for over 26 years and had come up through the ranks and took care of us. There is much fallout to be had over his leaving and, not only a new person, but a Vice President of the company now is over us.
I am worried.
2. One of my employees broke down crying on Saturday. People just don’t realize that we are humans in retail. She had a customer in our store doing a difficult transaction for 2 hours only to be followed up with the general mad rush of a weekend day, and then topped it off with a customer who, I believe, is crazy.
This final gentleman had a son who traded in some items to put toward some other items. He told my employee that his son did not received all the items he had purchased and that we needed him to give him his sons items. He also said we need to give him $40 in exchange for the items that he had brought in, along with the credit those items were given for the purchase he made. He also did not have a receipt or know what day his son did this but we had better take care of him.
My employee made it to the back room before breaking down on the phone crying with me, asking me to come back to the store to help her take care of the customer. My assistant manager was stuck on the highway, due to the highway being shut down, so no one else could help her.
I come in and talk to her and calm her down. She tells me whats going on and I approach the customer. The customer tells me a new story that involves his son buying a item, us not giving his son his item, and us telling his son we would hold his item for over 2 weeks until his other item that he had a special order for came in and we would give him both.
And we owed him $40 for the credit on the items his son traded in.
And no, he did not know the date or have a receipt.
And we better take care of him.
After a long process of looking through days of receipts, I find his son’s original transaction, and show him that: We gave him the proper credit for his items, his son placed his order and paid it off, we gave him all the games he purchased, and that we did not have any items for his son. The gentleman looked at me, smiled, and said that is exactly what he wanted to hear, turned and walked out without me saying another word.
I still do not know what crack he was on.
3. We ran a contest at work to promote growth in an area of business. Simple right? Hit this certain dollar goal, and all the managers in the store get a bonus.
AWESOME, right?
So, me and my team attack this with a vengeance. It is difficult because the contest runs through the holidays. We enter January just a little behind goal. We have to the end of the month to hit it. The dollar goal is $98,467 for what we are tracking. We enter the final week and I get an email about how much we are short.
$847
We got this.
We bust our butts and go all out to hit this goal. End of the week comes.
$3,259
About four times what we needed. We celebrate and cheer and wait for the money.
That never comes.
Two weeks later, we get an email saying we did a great job but that we fell short of our goal. Confused I ask my boss about it (who was also keeping track of everything) and we looked into it together. Turns out the goal they gave us was the wrong goal and that, while we did amazing for having one of the highest overall goals in the area, we fell short $347. The final week goal of $847 was an approximate amount and not an accurate number.
$347 out of $98,467
My team was crushed. I was crushed.
I went out and took $60 bucks and bought a $20 dollar gift card for each of my managers from my own personal money as a thank you. Still, it was hard looking back and kinda feeling like we got the rug pulled out from beneath us.
Rough week for me overall. Time to hug a pony.
My Stuffed Little Therapy 