El quick posting.

I had a 9 pain pain day yesterday. For those who don’t know, here is the pain chart.

image

11 was when I had kidney stones for 3 days.

Ow.

I am trying to recover today (the aftermath). I spent most of the day on a heating pad, then iced it down. Needless to say I am back to my normal 4-6 that I am every day. Pain, the non welcome friend who never goes home.

#hugapony
#stuffedtherapy

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The Reichenbach Fall

all_shades_of_fluttershy_by_nettrip-d6b2nkc

I have worked hard these past few weeks to be more positive. I have tried to fight my depression and work through my anxiety when it rises. I have toiled and fought through in trying new things. I have helped quite a few people in this time. I appreciate all those who have messaged me and told me I had helped you. My medications have helped buffer the lower moments. So much going right.

And so much going wrong.

I have been putting the positive face on for a while now. I want to apologize for not being as open and honest with you, dear reader, as I should have been. I have put my faith and hope that I can do things and have problems work out. They have not worked.

And it has been a millstone around my neck.

I am currently trying to find another place to live as I am moving in May. I have been trying to find a job that I can do that does not interfere with my watching my daughters, homeschooling them, babysitting a little boy, and taking care of the house. I have started to look for some writing jobs even, as I believe I have done well on this blog. It just seems that life starts to fray apart instead of staying together.

My days of pain and sadness are slowly seeping in and I am trying to hold back the tide. I am just needing life to break free in just one area. I just want one personal problem to be resolved in a positive manner.

I have the inner fear of what effects this has on my family. My daughters already look into how stressed me and my wife are at times and they react to it. I already see my eldest daughter starting to face the anxiety demons that I have faced in the past. While I am glad I am there for her and can help her through it, it is still a burden.

I am doing my best to remain positive. I hope to continue to write and maybe get a job writing full-time. This blog is a place for me to share and vent. I hope to have better news in the future.

Until next time.

#hugapony

Starting the month off foolish.

That great day is upon us. The day that makes the internet look like a battleground of jokes. While it is a great day to take a load off and have some fun, I would like to offer a brief PSA.

There are those out there with anxiety who do not handle this day well. Please use caution when including them in your joking today. Those friends out there who care need to know that it can be very hard to overcome the shock of a surprise. I know that some of those close to me avoid all internet and social contact today just to make sure they don’t get wrapped up in the madness.

Now, please don’t let this stop you from having your fun. Go, enjoy the day and the happy pranking of coworkers and friends!

Just be mindful of those who could take it too hard.

Fluttershy_is_not_so_ready_S01E07

#hugapony

#stuffedtherapy

One day at a time Ralph.

Wreck It Ralph. A wonderful Disney movie (which I love) that is about a video game character (another thing I love) that is depressed with his life (something I do not love but I live with). The main character, Ralph, is told to take it one day at a time. One day at a time is a wonderful view to take.

And something I have been trying to do this new year of 2016.

https://mystuffedlittletherapy.com/2016/01/16/staying-upbeat/

I made a vow at the beginning of the year to make 2016 a great year (I posted the link above). I am determined to do what I can to be positive. As I have a tendency to look at the bleak side of life, my wife often reminds me that you find what you expect to find. If you look for the bleak side of life, then that is what kind of life you will get.

I have had a very rough week this last week. I have felt more than beaten down than I have in a while. I shut down and didn’t talk almost at all on Easter Sunday. I normally would take time in this post to reveal what happened to me, how I handled it, and tell everyone to hug a pony for me.

Hold on to your hats, because I am not going to do that.

I am instead going to focus on the positives that have happened.

  1. I have moved to better place due to an amazing friend who opened his home to me and my family. He is one of the nicest, Godliest person I have known.
  2. I have been in better health than I have been in a long time. My medications have been working great so I have had some extra help to combat my deepening bouts.
  3. My girls are doing great at being homeschooled. I have been told that I have been a great teacher to them and they seem to be enjoying having me at home.
  4. I have been able to support my wife, to the envy of many other wives, with keeping the house clean, doing laundry, and keeping up with the home.
  5. I had a great birthday with amazing friends and family. They threw an amazing My Little Pony themed birthday and they jumped in with me in celebrating.
  6. I have made my blog a .com. I have been getting more mail about “starting” a business.
  7. I have had more interest in my blog from many different sources. I am waiting for more of these to come to fruition, but the uptick in interest has kept mine.

So there you have it, I am still fighting the fight even at the bottom of the valley. I hope this encouraging blog post helps people. Please sound off when you read this, on my blog, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, parcel post. Let encourage me as I hope I have encouraged you.

#hugapony

One days fall.

I wish I had better news. I have had a day that lasted an eternity. I was caught today in such a bind that I was in a chair for 2 hours not moving or speaking.

I just shut down.

I hadn’t done that in a year. I managed to get out of the chair, crawl to the bed and curl up in a blanket and Fluttershy and just be. I shut my brain down and I just could not handle anything else.

A reset.

I hope.

PS This time, I am not doing better. I am still trying to recover from yet another friend (one of my closest) dropping a bomb on me.How much can one man take? I know my limits and I am beyond them. How much more is there to go?

Slice of peace.

This has been a very bad week for me. I have been trying very hard to post more positive things on my blog to make myself think more positive but life likes to throw us some curve balls.

This week was supposed to be a week of rest from the 3 weeks of madness of back to back conventions and then the long trek to see family (over 24 hours in a car total). I was hoping for a relaxing time to ease my soul and spirit.

This was not the case.

I got hit with the depression that likes to attack when I take a moment of peace. I feel it knows the game plan of my life and likes to find those moments and just pounce. It dregs up the worse moments and throws them in the heart. It blind me from seeing anything positive and cripples the body. I hate when it comes calling.

I had a rough few weeks. While the time I had doing what I love and seeing family, I was also faced with a lot of sorrow. I had quite a few events happen that just rubbed raw or broke me from people I know.

It hurts the most when it comes from people around you.

Now keep in mind (as I have a lot of friends and family who read this) this is not made to accuse or anger anyone. This is me just opening my soul and pouring words to a page to get them out. Words become trapped in my mind like a cage and if I don’t free them they eat away at me like water wearing down a rock. I am not asking or looking for a response, I just need to get it out.

I have had people tear me down. People have lied to me and about me. Some to my face. I have given myself freely to helping those around me, both my time, effort and even my own belongings. I have put myself to be hurt the most.

And it happened.

Over and over.

I have People who wont talk to me. I have have People now who just talk over me. I have have had People lie and steal from me. I have had People throw me under the bus and back it over me. I have been put in more stressful situations than I care to count.

Over and over.

And it didn’t stop.

It felt like dominoes falling trying to break me. Just one right after another. It broke me and then kept piling on. I had bills come in from all sides. Hospitals are very expensive at times and I owe a lot of money. I have been hit with my wife getting a car accident (she is OK, thank God) and losing one of my vehicles. My other van is being held together with wire and duct tape at times and can’t pass inspection.

But it is all I have.

I have pushed down to the point of being squished to feel so tiny that this world would be better off without me.

Yes, even those thoughts came like a crashing wave.

If I could be treated so badly, why get up out of bed? Depression seeps your strength. Your body feels like it is caring more and more weight. For me, I stop eating. All I think about is going to bed.

It is not just trying to get rest. That is just part of it. It is just trying to get a break. Sleep is just a slice of peace. It is an escape. It is a time when you can finally have a moment, between when you are awake and you dream, when you can not have everything beat you down. You may hate the day and have nightmares torment your night, but in the middle of all that you have a moment, just one brief moment of just one small break from everything.

You treasure that. You look forward to that. It is the one thing that keeps you going through some days. “Just let me make it to my moment of peace before I sleep”

I lived that for the last few weeks. It has been hard. Even with my plushies to help me through, medications still coming, and a loving wife and kids, I still lived for that one slice of peace.

Freedom from everything.

And sometimes that is what you have to do to make it through the days.

Hug a pony for me and you, my friends. May yours bring you a slice of peace.

 

PS I wanted to add that I am doing better now. I know some of you, very sweetly, check up on me. I am doing better. Thank you all. 

On the road again.

I am on my way to work another convention. I have a few updates to give before  jetting off the weekend.

First, we gave one of our cars to a friend in need. We just got a newer car from my wife’s aunt passing away. We had a friend who needed a car to get to work. I had hoped to bless someone with it and we did.

Second, my wife had an accident in the new car. By the grace of God she is OK. The car is not so much. We are back down to one car. I am just beyond thankful she is safe.

Last, I am just being thankful for being alive. It has been a very rough week or two. Most thoughts have been very dark. I am thankful for friends who have helped me through this. I  thankful for bright coloured ponies who make me smile. I am thankful for all the brony friends I have. I am most grateful and thankful for my family.

Hugging ponies on the road my friends.

Oh day of days continuum.

I guess I should have waited to post yesterday. Life it seems was not done with me that day.

After getting home from the doctors, I was able to eat, calm down, and talk to my wife. She and I talked about how we were going to get through the weekend.

After we both had calmed down, she took the kids to the park and I sat down to rest. I was destressing and remembered that I had a rescheduled doctor’s appointment. I also had to let them know my availability for this next month as I have a few Conventions and thanksgiving coming up as per my agreement when I was hired.

I called them up and speak my boss and gave him the rundown of what was going on (he had been concerned earlier that week). I told him that I need Monday off for my appointment and the select other days off. He said ok, he understood my situation but that due to my lack of availability due to my kidney stones and the rest of my Conventions, he was going to have to fire me.

I was stunned.

I asked what had changed as we had agreed to my schedule being flexible and I was told they changed their plans and were needing a full time position and that with my needs they couldn’t keep me.

I stuttered and was confused and I asked if I could maybe work make up days to help cover or something. He refused and he thanked me for my work and that he would have liked to keep me but with all the stuff going on with me, he couldn’t keep me.

I thanked him for his time, he wished me the best and hung up.

I stood for a second, and then fell to my knees.

I didn’t know, I still don’t know what to do.

Ponies might not be enough…..

I am trying my friends. I just don’t know anymore.