This has been a very bad week for me. I have been trying very hard to post more positive things on my blog to make myself think more positive but life likes to throw us some curve balls.
This week was supposed to be a week of rest from the 3 weeks of madness of back to back conventions and then the long trek to see family (over 24 hours in a car total). I was hoping for a relaxing time to ease my soul and spirit.
This was not the case.
I got hit with the depression that likes to attack when I take a moment of peace. I feel it knows the game plan of my life and likes to find those moments and just pounce. It dregs up the worse moments and throws them in the heart. It blind me from seeing anything positive and cripples the body. I hate when it comes calling.
I had a rough few weeks. While the time I had doing what I love and seeing family, I was also faced with a lot of sorrow. I had quite a few events happen that just rubbed raw or broke me from people I know.
It hurts the most when it comes from people around you.
Now keep in mind (as I have a lot of friends and family who read this) this is not made to accuse or anger anyone. This is me just opening my soul and pouring words to a page to get them out. Words become trapped in my mind like a cage and if I don’t free them they eat away at me like water wearing down a rock. I am not asking or looking for a response, I just need to get it out.
I have had people tear me down. People have lied to me and about me. Some to my face. I have given myself freely to helping those around me, both my time, effort and even my own belongings. I have put myself to be hurt the most.
And it happened.
Over and over.
I have People who wont talk to me. I have have People now who just talk over me. I have have had People lie and steal from me. I have had People throw me under the bus and back it over me. I have been put in more stressful situations than I care to count.
Over and over.
And it didn’t stop.
It felt like dominoes falling trying to break me. Just one right after another. It broke me and then kept piling on. I had bills come in from all sides. Hospitals are very expensive at times and I owe a lot of money. I have been hit with my wife getting a car accident (she is OK, thank God) and losing one of my vehicles. My other van is being held together with wire and duct tape at times and can’t pass inspection.
But it is all I have.
I have pushed down to the point of being squished to feel so tiny that this world would be better off without me.
Yes, even those thoughts came like a crashing wave.
If I could be treated so badly, why get up out of bed? Depression seeps your strength. Your body feels like it is caring more and more weight. For me, I stop eating. All I think about is going to bed.
It is not just trying to get rest. That is just part of it. It is just trying to get a break. Sleep is just a slice of peace. It is an escape. It is a time when you can finally have a moment, between when you are awake and you dream, when you can not have everything beat you down. You may hate the day and have nightmares torment your night, but in the middle of all that you have a moment, just one brief moment of just one small break from everything.
You treasure that. You look forward to that. It is the one thing that keeps you going through some days. “Just let me make it to my moment of peace before I sleep”
I lived that for the last few weeks. It has been hard. Even with my plushies to help me through, medications still coming, and a loving wife and kids, I still lived for that one slice of peace.
Freedom from everything.
And sometimes that is what you have to do to make it through the days.
Hug a pony for me and you, my friends. May yours bring you a slice of peace.
PS I wanted to add that I am doing better now. I know some of you, very sweetly, check up on me. I am doing better. Thank you all.