I wish I had Cancer

July 18, 2016 / Codefreak / 2 Comments

Cancer is a disease that people can relate to and under. The causal head nod, followed by the “I’m so sorry” makes it so people understand that something serious is going on. People hear it and recognize that a person is going through one of the most difficult things to go through. One of our closest family friends is a cancer survivor. Eight years ago she got a terminal diagnosis. She says her first thought was “Thank God it’s cancer and not depression.”

Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses don’t carry that same weight. People don’t understand and cannot see the changes. Family, friends, and even doctors all look at you and say “It is all in your head”. While they are not false, this makes it seem like I have the ability to change my illness and “Just feel and act better and you will BE better”. It is easy to forget that these illnesses can be just as deadly.

Here are some statistics on depression/suicide.

Suicide is the 10^th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC)
The suicide rates decreased from 1990-2000 from 12.5 suicides per 100,000 to 10.4 per 100,000. Over the past decade, however, the rate has again increased to 12.1 per 100,000. Every day, approximately 105 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)
There is one death by suicide in the US every 12.3 minutes. (CDC)
Depression affects 20-25% of Americans ages 18+ in a given year. (CDC)
Suicide takes the lives of over 38,000 Americans every year. (CDC)
Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment. (NAMI)
80% -90% of adolescents that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully using therapy and/or medication. (TADS)
An estimated quarter million people each year become suicide survivors (AAS).
There is one suicide for every estimated 25 suicide attempts. (CDC)
There is one suicide for every estimated 4 suicide attempts in the elderly. (CDC)

With all this data, why is there such a stigma around mental and neurological disorders? Why are people so quick to judge? Why is it so hard to believe it IS all in my head due to my head having an illness.

It is frustrating trying to explain why you can’t focus on the happy. Your mind looks and seeks the flaws. You go and find thinks to fill the gaps in your day so the anxiety doesn’t catch up to you. You just try to stay ahead of the wave that is threatening to drown you.

And people stare at you.

They wonder why you are so different. They wonder why you can’t just feel better. They just want you to be normal. They are tired of you and all the baggage that you carry. They get tired of you and how you act.

Believe me, if I could just “Man up” and be a better person, I would have done it years ago.

No, I would never want or wish on anyone cancer. It is a terrible disease and I am glad so much time and research goes into it. I just want people to understand that mental health issues can be just as dangerous and deadly. Keeping people’s mental state in order so they can live better lives should be a focus for everyone.

I’ll step off my soapbox now.

#hugapony

Poetry session

June 10, 2016 / Codefreak / Leave a comment

I started writing when I was about 8 years old. It all started with a poem about tree frogs. It was not the greatest or most earth shattering poem but it was mine and I was proud of it. Poetry is not my main form of writing (though I have been known to crank out a time Limerick or two).

So I found a poem that I wrote a few years ago that came across my Facebook feed. It is again not the greatest buy it is mine and I thought I would share.

-Sleeping-

Hide hide, eyes behind the lids of ever night
Drifting in the sea of peace, away from any fright
Sleep sleep so tenderly, away from all my tears
Sleep sleep so sweetly here, beyond man’s petty fears
Away away to peaceful land, of joy evermore
Tis joy just to stay right here, resting to my core
Hide hide from the night, in blankets warm and snug
Away away from the day, in this hole i have dug
Safe safe from troubles here, beyond the devil’s reach
Rest Rest for you and me, protected from any breach
Mellow Mellow my soul so dear against life’s horrid quake
Stay stay against the chance, that you might ever wake
No no you slowly slip, from this gentle grace
Goodbye goodbye you fall away, to the world now you face

#hugapony
#stuffedtherapy

Post A-kon Report

June 8, 2016 / Codefreak / Leave a comment

I had a time. It was grand and terrifying. I worked longer and hard than at any other convention I had ever attended. I worked with some of the most amazing people. I cannot thank them enough.

I had a chance to be a part of two fantastic panels. I plan on sharing my thoughts on those in my next post. There was so much fun to be had and many a tear shed in one.

I even gave away something very dear to me.

I am trying to recuperate and get rest while getting ready to move again. I want to thank all of you who read this and follow me on this journey. I checked my twitter and I had over 95,000 impressions in 28 days with a one day of 33,000 impressions as a top day for me. I am humbled beyond reason.

Thank you and love to you all.

A-kon panels!!!

May 29, 2016 / Codefreak / 2 Comments

I will be at not just one but 2 (!) A-kon panels this year. I invite anyone coming out to see me at either one!!

Two men walk into a bar presents:
Middle of nowhere!
https://www.facebook.com/events/1735882090025164/

This is a panel with my friends Nick and Ronin (with guests) and we talk everything from My Little Pony to video games and everything in-between. We have combined years of social media experience and helpful tips from running blogs to promoting music and more!!

Then my second panel.

Check out Non-Visible, Otaku with non-visible disabilities at A-Kon 27.

“Making friends in the con community can be hard, but doing so with non-visible disabilities is harder. Being nerdy can be hard when you don’t fit in in your own community.

Come to this panel to learn ways and tips to help make friends, not seem too overbearing, help in anxiety and panic attacks, and anger management tips.”

I AM SO EXCITED!!

I hope to see anyone out there. If are able to make it, stop by and see me!! I would love to say hi and share a moment.

See you at A-Kon 27!!

For more info http://www.a-kon.com

Picking up a med pack.

May 16, 2016May 16, 2016 / Codefreak / Leave a comment

I am doing better. Thank you all who were concerned. I was running a fever into the 100s and as for the 2 worse days, I don’t have any memory of them. Brain stopped working and my whole body was aching. It was a REALLY high fever. Still, I am on the mend and picking back up on life.

There was some big news that came out. I GOT A JOB!! (cue fanfare). I am now a website evaluator for companies like Google, Bing and Yahoo. It is part-time and work from home. It is a perfect fit for me and my family. Thank you all for your prayers and concerns

I will hopefully in the next few weeks be able to get some things in order and be able to commit to writing bigger better longer pieces. Also stay tuned for some upcoming guest appearances at conventions!

Peace and love to you all.

#hugapony

The Reichenbach Fall

April 13, 2016 / Codefreak / Leave a comment

all_shades_of_fluttershy_by_nettrip-d6b2nkc

I have worked hard these past few weeks to be more positive. I have tried to fight my depression and work through my anxiety when it rises. I have toiled and fought through in trying new things. I have helped quite a few people in this time. I appreciate all those who have messaged me and told me I had helped you. My medications have helped buffer the lower moments. So much going right.

And so much going wrong.

I have been putting the positive face on for a while now. I want to apologize for not being as open and honest with you, dear reader, as I should have been. I have put my faith and hope that I can do things and have problems work out. They have not worked.

And it has been a millstone around my neck.

I am currently trying to find another place to live as I am moving in May. I have been trying to find a job that I can do that does not interfere with my watching my daughters, homeschooling them, babysitting a little boy, and taking care of the house. I have started to look for some writing jobs even, as I believe I have done well on this blog. It just seems that life starts to fray apart instead of staying together.

My days of pain and sadness are slowly seeping in and I am trying to hold back the tide. I am just needing life to break free in just one area. I just want one personal problem to be resolved in a positive manner.

I have the inner fear of what effects this has on my family. My daughters already look into how stressed me and my wife are at times and they react to it. I already see my eldest daughter starting to face the anxiety demons that I have faced in the past. While I am glad I am there for her and can help her through it, it is still a burden.

I am doing my best to remain positive. I hope to continue to write and maybe get a job writing full-time. This blog is a place for me to share and vent. I hope to have better news in the future.

Until next time.

#hugapony

Finding yourself.

March 1, 2016March 1, 2016 / Codefreak / 2 Comments

I have done quite a few activities and tests to explore who I am over the past 7 years. I have fought hard and struggled with some of the results. I came to a point that I was not willing to accept any more criticism from what the results where telling me. Then my wife came across one that changed what I thought about everything.

My dearest wife was given the 16 Personalities test online to find out more about herself for her direct sales job. This test comes from the Myers & Briggs psychological types that have been identified. She answered the one hundred or so questions and got the lettered results. If you have never seen them, here is a brief overview of the types:

After getting her results she looked through and tried to figure out mine. She made a guess and asked me to take the test.

I was hesitant.

I have issues with these sorts of test because it seem all subjective to whoever made the test, what mood the person is in taking it, and I almost never relate to the answer. After some pleading from the person dearest to my heart (i.e. she looked me deep in my eyes and told me to do it), I accepted her request.

I was surprised with the result.

I found out I was an INFJ. As you can see from the list above it means I have Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, and Judging. I went on through the results as the www.16personalities.com gives you more insight into yourself and I was fascinated.

This really did show me more about myself.

I am one of the smallest populated personality type (less than 2% of the population) which might explain more of why people would have issues understanding more about me. It told me I have have great instincts and judgement calls. One of my flaws was that I could get overwhelmed sometimes and would need to take time and decompress. Something like writing a blog even. There were famous people with this personality type also.

Mother Teresa

Nelson Mandela

Plato

Mahatma Gandhi

Thomas Jefferson

Leo Tolstoy

I was floored. There was no way I could be put in the same sentence as these names. But here was a test (that I took multiple times from several sites with the same result) telling me that I was special. This was a hard thing for me to accept. I talked about it with my wife and a few of my closest friends and they all agreed that it hit my personality on the head.

It is hard being faced with who you are, even if it is too good.

This had shown me more about myself than anything before. I was fascinated and I still am. I will be doing a few more posts on this subject but I wanted to encourage anyone to go to www.16personalities.com and find out more about themselves.

Hug a pony my friends.

Vblog volume 2!

January 20, 2016 / Codefreak / Leave a comment

Here is my second episode of my video blog!!

I just wanted to say my first blog post has reached over 1000 views and I am extremely humbled and in awe. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please comment, share with everyone, and subscribe! Subscriptions are key for me to reach more people.

And so without further ado, the video!

Staying Upbeat

January 16, 2016 / Codefreak / 1 Comment

I have taken a few days to wait and see how things have come along. I have been hoping to see cool things come out of my vBlog and I have been more than happy with the results. There have been trolls and criticism but nonetheless, I feel proud of everything.

2016 is going to be a positive change. I am going to push myself to make it a great year. I will not give in to the fear or sadness that so often tries consume me.

I have gotten a notebook to keep with me at all times, to write down ideas and to keep track of things going on around me. Again, always trying to keep the creative juices flowing. Its been helpful writing things down to keep them from fading or forgetting. I have enjoyed writing this past year and a half on here and it has brought back some of the artistic side of myself I have not seen in a long time.

I have been reading online about how when we have depression from a younger age, we don’t necessarily develop a personality. Not being able to identify or relate to anything makes it to were we cannot know who we really are. Its crazy, but I have seen myself enjoy things I have not in years. I see myself gaining new opinions and I just cannot believe it is from me. I feel I have stolen so many opinions and feelings from others because I could not form many of them myself. I see myself truly believing in what I think. I am standing up for myself.

I know 2016 has had a rough start with a lot of celebrity deaths and other craziness. I know that I will have rough times. All I can say is stand strong. I hope my encouragement will help you as it has helped me.

Hug a pony my friends.