Wife

Just a stone’s throw.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

I have not had a chance to write here in the past few days due to a medical complication. I managed to survive but it was not an easy ride. On this past Monday I was at work when I felt a slight pain at my side and the need to rush to the restroom. I sprinted (gently) to the room only to have the pain increase. I did my business and left feeling only slightly better. As I walked out of the room I was hit with some of the worse ( at this time) pain I had ever felt in my life.

I have had a kidney stone in the past. It was not a pleasant experience and I did not expect to repeat the performance. My colleges at work were extremely helpful and watched over me for about an hour until I could pull myself up off the floor. I was curled in the fetal position as I whimpered in pain. A completely helpless feeling.

I hate that.

I was driven home and crawled into bed on a heating pad. I was feeling better and could move around. I took it easy the rest of the day. And then the night came.

And also the pain.

I spent most of the night on the floor pleading with God asking for help. My cries of pain and agony woke my dearest wife. She sat helpless to help me as there was nothing she could do as this stone of great pain ripped through my body. When you have a kidney stone, you just try to find a position that relieves the pain some. Anything will help.

Hour upon hour passed until the dawn broke. Still the pain lasted. I sat on a heating pad for most of the day and drank as much water as I could. Pain came and went throughout the day but the evening came brought some relief. I had not seen the stone but I had hoped it passed. I ate some dinner (first real food I had eating besides a few small snacks). I felt well enough to hop on a video game and play with some friends. I had not been playing with them too long when once again I was struck with pain that overwhelmed the body.

Sweat and tears ran down my body. The agony had doubled and now there is no relief in sight. The hardest part is the fact there is no end. It is just constant pain. If it came in waves or if you could get a break (like I did during the daytime) I could have handled it much better. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but this broke me. I could not find relief. As a fever took hold of me, I stepped into the shower to cool my body and to help hydrate myself. Cool water washed over me, cooling me. it brought the pain down some. Some was the best I got.

Hour upon hour of straight agony is too much for anyone. I would not wish this upon my worse enemy. My body could not keep up with the pain. I threw everything I had eaten up in. Nausea washed over me. My stomach twisted with the rest of my body. No medication would stay down. Water that was drank would come up an hour later. I pushed and pushed trying, willing, pleading for the stone to move. Only one thing met me after each try.

More pain. More twisting.

Morning broke as I managed to grab about 20 min of restless sleep. After 12 straight hours of pain you would have hoped I would have passed out. I came to the realization that I would not be able to pass this without help. My wife and I went and dropped my daughters off with a friend. We then rushed to the ER. Agony was still my bedfellow as I was admitted. They gave me some heavy duty narcotics which, unfortunately, did not seem as heavy duty as they made them out to be.

And then the tests and scans came.

More meds and waiting followed.

After about 6 hours of being there, the doctor told me that I had mostly passed the stone and I was in the last stages of the process. She prescribed more meds for pain and to help push things along.

About an hour later I was the parent to a brand new kidney stone. I will never be able to truly put into words how painful and helpless it was. I did manage one picture (with a pony of course) that I will share. I hope you all have had a better time than I have this week. I will now go rest a body that is sore with muscles that should not be sore.

Hug a pony my friends. I now await my hospital bills…..

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Pig time.

/ Codefreak / 3 Comments

I have always had bad days. I go about my day and can fake being nice with the best of them. In my mind however, I have 9 different conversations, and am holding so many balls that I am juggling I impress myself with holding it together. The problem is what thoughts I have.

They mostly negative.

And mostly about me.

I have always been my own worst enemy. I have a tendency to look at the more realistic side of a situation but these leads to the more negative outlooks on situations. This leads me to think the worse. It gets worse when I am stressed.

And let me tell you, I have been stressed.

I am on my seventh day working with 2 more to go. I have been putting together a job fair for work for the past month. I have had to put together a meeting for my whole staff. I have had to attend 2 full day meetings. My vehicles are barley holding it seems. My daughter’s have been sick. I have been sick. I have had some unexpected expenses which has overdrawn my bank account twice in the last week (both fortunately I have taken care of).

And I have been dreaming.

You have to realise that I don’t dream. When I was younger, I would have terrible night terrors that would haunt me. My imagination is a thing of legend, let me tell you, and not being able to control it was a needless to say difficult. I got into the habit and trained and prayed to the point that I would not dream.

Now most people tell me I must not remember these dreams but I still had them. I know that might be the case for some but I can tell you, I rarely ever dream. When I do it sticks out in my brain like a splinter. It eats at me. It rubs me raw.

And last night I dreamt.

It one of my warning signs I am hitting a stress limit.

After work today my mind was toast. My wife took me and told me all the good things in my life. I wouldn’t listen.

She had reason to worry.

The other day, I lost myself. I hit a limit that made my mind shut down. I hardly moved for almost 4 hours.

I didn’t speak the entire time.

People passed around me and tried to talk to me but my body could not respond. I felt trapped in my mind. My thoughts clawing to get out. I couldn’t  do it. My dear wife ended up forcing me to sit down to gather myself. Friends were called and I was put on watch.

I feel so guilty.

I feel the burden of being burden to others.

I should be able to take care of myself, I am a grown man.

But I couldn’t.

Instead, I wallowed in my depression.

Like a pig in mud.

Ponies my friends. I hug them. May they help me sleep.