I have always had bad days. I go about my day and can fake being nice with the best of them. In my mind however, I have 9 different conversations, and am holding so many balls that I am juggling I impress myself with holding it together. The problem is what thoughts I have.
They mostly negative.
And mostly about me.
I have always been my own worst enemy. I have a tendency to look at the more realistic side of a situation but these leads to the more negative outlooks on situations. This leads me to think the worse. It gets worse when I am stressed.
And let me tell you, I have been stressed.
I am on my seventh day working with 2 more to go. I have been putting together a job fair for work for the past month. I have had to put together a meeting for my whole staff. I have had to attend 2 full day meetings. My vehicles are barley holding it seems. My daughter’s have been sick. I have been sick. I have had some unexpected expenses which has overdrawn my bank account twice in the last week (both fortunately I have taken care of).
And I have been dreaming.
You have to realise that I don’t dream. When I was younger, I would have terrible night terrors that would haunt me. My imagination is a thing of legend, let me tell you, and not being able to control it was a needless to say difficult. I got into the habit and trained and prayed to the point that I would not dream.
Now most people tell me I must not remember these dreams but I still had them. I know that might be the case for some but I can tell you, I rarely ever dream. When I do it sticks out in my brain like a splinter. It eats at me. It rubs me raw.
And last night I dreamt.
It one of my warning signs I am hitting a stress limit.
After work today my mind was toast. My wife took me and told me all the good things in my life. I wouldn’t listen.
She had reason to worry.
The other day, I lost myself. I hit a limit that made my mind shut down. I hardly moved for almost 4 hours.
I didn’t speak the entire time.
People passed around me and tried to talk to me but my body could not respond. I felt trapped in my mind. My thoughts clawing to get out. I couldn’t do it. My dear wife ended up forcing me to sit down to gather myself. Friends were called and I was put on watch.
I feel so guilty.
I feel the burden of being burden to others.
I should be able to take care of myself, I am a grown man.
But I couldn’t.
Instead, I wallowed in my depression.
Like a pig in mud.
Ponies my friends. I hug them. May they help me sleep.