Pig time.

I have always had bad days. I go about my day and can fake being nice with the best of them. In my mind however, I have 9 different conversations, and am holding so many balls that I am juggling I impress myself with holding it together. The problem is what thoughts I have.

They mostly negative.

And mostly about me.

I have always been my own worst enemy. I have a tendency to look at the more realistic side of a situation but these leads to the more negative outlooks on situations. This leads me to think the worse. It gets worse when I am stressed.

And let me tell you, I have been stressed.

I am on my seventh day working with 2 more to go. I have been putting together a job fair for work for the past month. I have had to put together a meeting for my whole staff. I have had to attend 2 full day meetings. My vehicles are barley holding it seems. My daughter’s have been sick. I have been sick. I have had some unexpected expenses which has overdrawn my bank account twice in the last week (both fortunately I have taken care of).

And I have been dreaming.

You have to realise that I don’t dream. When I was younger, I would have terrible night terrors that would haunt me. My imagination is a thing of legend, let me tell you, and not being able to control it was a needless to say difficult. I got into the habit and trained and prayed to the point that I would not dream.

Now most people tell me I must not remember these dreams but I still had them. I know that might be the case for some but I can tell you, I rarely ever dream. When I do it sticks out in my brain like a splinter. It eats at me. It rubs me raw.

And last night I dreamt.

It one of my warning signs I am hitting a stress limit.

After work today my mind was toast. My wife took me and told me all the good things in my life. I wouldn’t listen.

She had reason to worry.

The other day, I lost myself. I hit a limit that made my mind shut down. I hardly moved for almost 4 hours.

I didn’t speak the entire time.

People passed around me and tried to talk to me but my body could not respond. I felt trapped in my mind. My thoughts clawing to get out. I couldn’t  do it. My dear wife ended up forcing me to sit down to gather myself. Friends were called and I was put on watch.

I feel so guilty.

I feel the burden of being burden to others.

I should be able to take care of myself, I am a grown man.

But I couldn’t.

Instead, I wallowed in my depression.

Like a pig in mud.

Ponies my friends. I hug them. May they help me sleep.

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3 thoughts on “Pig time.

  1. I wonder sometimes if we aren’t all our own worst enemies. After all, who can possibly know more about you than yourself? Who can see those things that you dislike about yourself and see how they come into play during your everyday interactions with others more than you? We are all our own worst enemies at times – though I suppose sometimes we can also turn the tables and be our own biggest supporters.

    I wonder something… When you write your blog posts, do you feel better when they reach their conclusions? Is it a method of sorting out all the chaos in your mind by typing it into the text box and putting it out there as a sort of explanation as to why things happened the way they did? And if it does happen to be so, does the end result of your writing end up making you feel as if others suddenly might understand why things were the way they were?

    I just ask, not to be rude, but because I’m actually curious. Whenever I manage to submit some sort of written formula of my own inner turmoil onto public domain, it’s always in the the sense of responding to someone else’s writing of which whom I feel I can in a way relate.

    My ‘personal’ essays, are things that maybe I will have my mother read, just to confirm that the things I wrote actually made sense, because I almost feel like I become entranced in the paper upon which I am writing, and I need that verification that what I have written actually is real, because I usually can’t recall most of it after it has passed.

    Yet again, I ramble on in a response. I apologize, for what I really wanted to respond with was pretty much summed up in the first “paragraph.” In that yes, we are mostly our own worst enemies. However, can the opposite not apply? Can we not try and break the cycle of our paranoia and negativity by reaching down into ourselves to find the things we like most as well?

    I guess it’s sort of ironic, how easily we are able to search within ourselves and find the negatives, while the positives are things that we either cannot find, or things that we feel we have to have verified by others.

    Honestly, it’s been a while since I posted a response on here, so when I found a post that inspired a genuine response, I decided to take it. It’s a bit awkward for me actually, since you know who I am and all now, but I think it would be even worse if I just ceased to reply altogether. Anyhow, I’m not really sure if this meant to be an inspirational response, but I’m fairly certain that it is at least a response to let you know that you are not alone in feeling the way that you do…and maybe it’s my own personal verification to myself that I am not alone in these things either.

    Like

    • Looking at your writing, it looks like you find your thoughts as they go. I understand trying to put words to the page and the clarity it brings.

      Let me ask you, after writing this, did you feel better? I have always found myself with a clearer head.

      Also, I believe that people who are too proud and think to highly of themselves can have the same issues.

      Like

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