I had a terrible episode yesterday. I was yelled at several times at work, dehumanized, Demonized, and a few other “ized” i have never even thought of. I did not have my mini fluttershy with me, nor would I have had the time to go to her. There was many a dark moment and yes those wonderful thoughts of “life would be better if I wasn’t here.”
I hate that road.
However, I was about to leave work, get home see the family and spend a few moments snuggling a plushie. It doesn’t even phase my wife now. I just looked at her and said “I need a few moments.” She nodded and made sure my daughters didn’t interrupt me. I clutched at the plush and hugged with all my might. The pain and heartache and the bottomless pit would not go away. I felt shock and panic. It wasn’t working. I wasn’t feeling better.
I hugged tighter.
I still hugged.
I spent a few minutes in my bedroom trying to make the pain stop and it wouldn’t. I came out defeated. My wife looked into my eyes. She didn’t say anything, just looked to see if I was OK. I looked away dejected and ashamed. I couldn’t fix it. We spent the rest of the night together as a family and I tried to cover up for my daughters. The angst slowly went away through the night and I finally fell asleep exhausted.
The next day, I was fine. I woke up feeling fine, like a new person. Now understand, when this usually happens I deal with a few days of fallout and depression. I have never not had that. My wife and I have tried almost everything to change it. This was a first. The relief I felt was amazing. Its not a perfect solution, but I am one step closer, thanks largely to my amazing wife, and a soft yellow plush.