Bad Day

Oh day of days continuum.

/ Codefreak / 1 Comment

I guess I should have waited to post yesterday. Life it seems was not done with me that day.

After getting home from the doctors, I was able to eat, calm down, and talk to my wife. She and I talked about how we were going to get through the weekend.

After we both had calmed down, she took the kids to the park and I sat down to rest. I was destressing and remembered that I had a rescheduled doctor’s appointment. I also had to let them know my availability for this next month as I have a few Conventions and thanksgiving coming up as per my agreement when I was hired.

I called them up and speak my boss and gave him the rundown of what was going on (he had been concerned earlier that week). I told him that I need Monday off for my appointment and the select other days off. He said ok, he understood my situation but that due to my lack of availability due to my kidney stones and the rest of my Conventions, he was going to have to fire me.

I was stunned.

I asked what had changed as we had agreed to my schedule being flexible and I was told they changed their plans and were needing a full time position and that with my needs they couldn’t keep me.

I stuttered and was confused and I asked if I could maybe work make up days to help cover or something. He refused and he thanked me for my work and that he would have liked to keep me but with all the stuff going on with me, he couldn’t keep me.

I thanked him for his time, he wished me the best and hung up.

I stood for a second, and then fell to my knees.

I didn’t know, I still don’t know what to do.

Ponies might not be enough…..

I am trying my friends. I just don’t know anymore.

Oh day of days.

/ Codefreak / 6 Comments

Crying. I am crying.

I can’t stop.

It is all my fault I feel.

I could have done something different. I could have been better. I should have been better.

I had a doctor’s appointment today to refill my medication because I literally ran out today. My last dose was this morning. My doctors appointment was scheduled and when I got to the office I was held up for paperwork in the main lobby. I was told I did not have to do any paperwork because I don’t have insurance it would be self pay. While waiting to get my paperwork the receptionist were talking and chatting so much that when another person came by they told them that they needed to finish up my paperwork so I could get to my doctors appointment. Because they took so long getting my paperwork to go see the doctor which I was not supposed to be doing anyway I ended up being 15 minutes late to my doctors appointment at which time I was informed that I was too late for my appointment and told to reschedule for next week.

I was in full panic mode.

Ask and then begged explaining that I had run out of my medication and that I needed to see the doctor and I was met with just a plain no from the nurse. I ended up barely talking to the receptionist asking if I could reschedule for later today or at least get a refill for the weekend until my appointment could be set.

I have to tell you that I was in shock the entire time. My body was numb and I just couldn’t believe that it would happen that way. My hands were trembling as I walked downstairs to the lobby and sat down to call my wife.

I had forgotten that I had to pay for parking and I left the only bank card with money on it at the moment at the house. Because I did not see the doctor I did not get my slip to cover for my parking and I did not have any money on me to pay for parking. Frantically I looked through all my pockets and found $0.71 in change I went and checked the parking charge and it was a dollar.

Defeat yet again.

I talk to my wife who was understandably furious at the situation and I tried to remain calm but I’m still in shock.

Somehow I just feel this is my fault I feel that I should have left earlier or done something different or ran to the appointment or hurried up the receptionist or anything. I know part of my problem is self-blame and in this situation I know while there’s only so much I can do I still feel it was my fault.

I am now sitting in my car across the street because of a very, very nice lady at the ticket counter let me go through without paying for parking. Small simple acts of kindness I think are going to save me as they do so many people.

Unfortunately while I’m trying to be very grateful for that wonderful act my body is still in full panic because I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this weekend and next week without my medication. Detox is not fun as a recorded here before and I’m not looking forward to doing that again. I am praying that my doctor cruise a small prescription so that I don’t run out again so I sit here and wait pleading, begging, praying for another miracle.

I’m hugging my pony very very tight right now.

image

I now ask for all my dear readers for your prayers and strength. I hate asking for things it’s a pride issue something that I need to get over but I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to make it through without a miracle.

I hope all of you are having a better day than I am.

Hug your ponies for me my friends.

Rolling stones.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

I had a fun weekend. I managed to pass another kidney stone (that’s 2 so far for those keeping score). I was able to pass it without the extreme pain (fortunately). Still the discomfort was there and I did not the energy to do anything else but sleep.

Its been disappointing because I really had things to do. Places to go. People to see. Instead I was stuck sleeping 12 straight hours. While it sounds great, I woke up even more tired the next day.

I was not a happy camper.

My co-workers have been sympathetic to my pain. They have increased their water intake by 3-fold. While I am glad to promote such a healthy life style for them, I don’t believe the cost of pain was worth it.

Still, work is going well. I have been acclimating myself to office work (new to me). It is a whole different style of work. The fact that I can go to the bathroom whenever I need to has been a major plus. I hope it helps with this rocky problem I have been having.

Hug a pony my friends.

Just a stone’s throw.

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I have not had a chance to write here in the past few days due to a medical complication. I managed to survive but it was not an easy ride. On this past Monday I was at work when I felt a slight pain at my side and the need to rush to the restroom. I sprinted (gently) to the room only to have the pain increase. I did my business and left feeling only slightly better. As I walked out of the room I was hit with some of the worse ( at this time) pain I had ever felt in my life.

I have had a kidney stone in the past. It was not a pleasant experience and I did not expect to repeat the performance. My colleges at work were extremely helpful and watched over me for about an hour until I could pull myself up off the floor. I was curled in the fetal position as I whimpered in pain. A completely helpless feeling.

I hate that.

I was driven home and crawled into bed on a heating pad. I was feeling better and could move around. I took it easy the rest of the day. And then the night came.

And also the pain.

I spent most of the night on the floor pleading with God asking for help. My cries of pain and agony woke my dearest wife. She sat helpless to help me as there was nothing she could do as this stone of great pain ripped through my body. When you have a kidney stone, you just try to find a position that relieves the pain some. Anything will help.

Hour upon hour passed until the dawn broke. Still the pain lasted. I sat on a heating pad for most of the day and drank as much water as I could. Pain came and went throughout the day but the evening came brought some relief. I had not seen the stone but I had hoped it passed. I ate some dinner (first real food I had eating besides a few small snacks). I felt well enough to hop on a video game and play with some friends. I had not been playing with them too long when once again I was struck with pain that overwhelmed the body.

Sweat and tears ran down my body. The agony had doubled and now there is no relief in sight. The hardest part is the fact there is no end. It is just constant pain. If it came in waves or if you could get a break (like I did during the daytime) I could have handled it much better. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but this broke me. I could not find relief. As a fever took hold of me, I stepped into the shower to cool my body and to help hydrate myself. Cool water washed over me, cooling me. it brought the pain down some. Some was the best I got.

Hour upon hour of straight agony is too much for anyone. I would not wish this upon my worse enemy. My body could not keep up with the pain. I threw everything I had eaten up in. Nausea washed over me. My stomach twisted with the rest of my body. No medication would stay down. Water that was drank would come up an hour later. I pushed and pushed trying, willing, pleading for the stone to move. Only one thing met me after each try.

More pain. More twisting.

Morning broke as I managed to grab about 20 min of restless sleep. After 12 straight hours of pain you would have hoped I would have passed out. I came to the realization that I would not be able to pass this without help. My wife and I went and dropped my daughters off with a friend. We then rushed to the ER. Agony was still my bedfellow as I was admitted. They gave me some heavy duty narcotics which, unfortunately, did not seem as heavy duty as they made them out to be.

And then the tests and scans came.

More meds and waiting followed.

After about 6 hours of being there, the doctor told me that I had mostly passed the stone and I was in the last stages of the process. She prescribed more meds for pain and to help push things along.

About an hour later I was the parent to a brand new kidney stone. I will never be able to truly put into words how painful and helpless it was. I did manage one picture (with a pony of course) that I will share. I hope you all have had a better time than I have this week. I will now go rest a body that is sore with muscles that should not be sore.

Hug a pony my friends. I now await my hospital bills…..

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Pig time.

/ Codefreak / 3 Comments

I have always had bad days. I go about my day and can fake being nice with the best of them. In my mind however, I have 9 different conversations, and am holding so many balls that I am juggling I impress myself with holding it together. The problem is what thoughts I have.

They mostly negative.

And mostly about me.

I have always been my own worst enemy. I have a tendency to look at the more realistic side of a situation but these leads to the more negative outlooks on situations. This leads me to think the worse. It gets worse when I am stressed.

And let me tell you, I have been stressed.

I am on my seventh day working with 2 more to go. I have been putting together a job fair for work for the past month. I have had to put together a meeting for my whole staff. I have had to attend 2 full day meetings. My vehicles are barley holding it seems. My daughter’s have been sick. I have been sick. I have had some unexpected expenses which has overdrawn my bank account twice in the last week (both fortunately I have taken care of).

And I have been dreaming.

You have to realise that I don’t dream. When I was younger, I would have terrible night terrors that would haunt me. My imagination is a thing of legend, let me tell you, and not being able to control it was a needless to say difficult. I got into the habit and trained and prayed to the point that I would not dream.

Now most people tell me I must not remember these dreams but I still had them. I know that might be the case for some but I can tell you, I rarely ever dream. When I do it sticks out in my brain like a splinter. It eats at me. It rubs me raw.

And last night I dreamt.

It one of my warning signs I am hitting a stress limit.

After work today my mind was toast. My wife took me and told me all the good things in my life. I wouldn’t listen.

She had reason to worry.

The other day, I lost myself. I hit a limit that made my mind shut down. I hardly moved for almost 4 hours.

I didn’t speak the entire time.

People passed around me and tried to talk to me but my body could not respond. I felt trapped in my mind. My thoughts clawing to get out. I couldn’t  do it. My dear wife ended up forcing me to sit down to gather myself. Friends were called and I was put on watch.

I feel so guilty.

I feel the burden of being burden to others.

I should be able to take care of myself, I am a grown man.

But I couldn’t.

Instead, I wallowed in my depression.

Like a pig in mud.

Ponies my friends. I hug them. May they help me sleep.

Sands of time.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

I am too busy to write at the moment. A quick update is in order though to my loyal readers.

  1. My phone is broken. Most of my writing is done on there so this puts a hamper on me. I hope to have it fixed soon.
  2. I am SUPER busy at work (as in no days off in 2 weeks). I have so much going its hard to keep track of everything.
  3. I hit a very bad spot. I mean VERY bad spot. There was a moment were my friends put me on watch. I plan on going into that another time.
  4. I am in need of selling my car. I need the money and I need to make room for another car. I have been focused on that a lot.

I am sorry to all my readers about not updating as much. Please know this blog is in my thoughts which makes you in my thoughts.

Until I can write again, hug a pony my friends.

Death comes in threes.

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I have looked were that phase came from, but there is not a whole lot of information on it. I do know that it is a much truer statement than I care to admit. These past few months have been crazy. I know I have held on as much as I could for my family.

Our pet Guinea pig died this morning. His name was Pascal from the movie Tangled. He was my daughter’s first family pet. My wife got him from a gentleman about 5 years ago who was getting rid of him following a bad break up. It was her pet and she loved him. He was nervous of us at first but soon, when he realized that we all loved him and was caring for him, he was very happy in his new home. He loved fruit and veggies. His favorite was the tomato. He would get one and he would squeal like a pig (go figure). When he was especially happy he would do little hops (or as my girls called it “he is doing his popcorn dance!”).

He was getting old here lately. He never liked being moved (our last move was 3 years ago) and we were not looking to move again. He was at least 2 years old when we got him and we had him for almost 5 years. We knew his time was coming soon.

I am tired of death. The death of the unborn, the death of a family member, and now the death of a family pet have worn me thin. I am having to explain once again about death to my daughters. Parenting has never been easy. This is by far one of the hardest experiences to help them through. I just need a break.

I think it is time to hug a pony.Sad_fluttershy

Roller Coaster Ride.

/ Codefreak / 1 Comment

I find myself growling at everyone and everything. The mood I have been in has been terrible for the past week. I cannot find a way to shake it. I am taking everything hyper personal. The world is out to get me.

Or at least that is how i am taking it.

I am tired of being told that i take things to personal. I am a person. You tell me something. How am i supposed to not take it personally? I am getting real tired of people telling me things that “I take the wrong way”. Why can’t it be someone else’s fault? I am tired of baring the burden of the world.

My shoulders are tired.

I should be happy. I got my car working again. I am looking to sell it now. Not too much luck there. Everyone else can sell their cars in a day for twice the asking price, but i get told that my heap is worth $137.

I am trying to dig myself out of this hole i am in. I feel buried alive.

I hate myself.

I feel bad that I am having trouble caring about things.

I feel guilty that I can’t feel better.

My heart sags under the weight of know that I am a burden to others.

I feel I cannot speak my mind because my opinion doesn’t not hold weight.

People say they care, and they want to listen. I sit quietly and hold and comfort them. I wait patiently for my turn. But when my turn comes, I just am complaining.

My opinions don’t matter.

My ponies don’t fix that,  no matter how much I hug then.

Trapped in my head screaming but no one can hear me.

New meds.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

It has come to this. While I know it is a good thing to get help, I can’t shake the feeling of failure in being prescribed a new medication. I have had a series of panic attacks of the past month, for good reason I believe, and I went in for my 3 month check up.

I want to point out that I love my doctor. Now that we have a working relationship, and we know how each other think, we have been working together to get me help. I had mentioned all the stuff that has been going on in the past month and the panic attacks (also this blog as well, HI DOC!!) and she gently asked if I wanted to try another medication for those times.

I felt a little apprehension as this is another step in my mind. down the path of dependency something I am very adverse to. At the same time, I have slowly slipping down a dark path that I don’t want to think about.

I agreed.

So far I have found it helpful, with a slight crash at the end of it. I have been trying to time it so I am asleep when it happens. Who knows. I hope it helps.

At this point, doing nothing would hurt worse.

Hug a pony my friends.

Gone baby gone.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

I want laugh, cry, scream, and panic all at the same time. My emotions are such swirling cauldron of colours, it is hard to discribe. I really wonder if this is going to be thing to break me.

My apartment complex is trying to evict me from my home.

I have a lease until September. I have been a resident for almost 3 years. Except for one time 2 years ago, I have not been late and that one time I was a day late because I forgot to drop off the check on my birthday. I thought I was doing everything right.

But life sucks.

My complex has been renovating our apartments for awhile now. They started right after we resigned our lease last year. We asked if there was going to be an issue with another year long lease and we were told no problem.

Well it is a problem now.

The management staff have been pressuring me and my wife to either sign a new lease and move to a different apartment  (with a new deposit, more rent) or be moved out as soon as possible. We told them that we were not planning on moving until our lease was up in September. They told us that was good enough and that we had to be moved out sooner. We have been talking to them for weeks and they keep getting meaner.

Case in point.

I went in today to sign my 60 day notice of non-renewal for our lease termination. My wife had signed and I was told that I needed to sign. I went in and asked for the paperwork to sign and was told that it wasn’t an issue. I was then immediately asked if I was moving out. I told the manager not at the moment, but was wanting to sign the lease ending agreement. She looked at me and said that I needed to give them a date of when I was leaving. I said as of that moment, when my lease ended. She said that I needed to be out as soon as possible, tomorrow if I could.

I just stared at her.

No, I asked for my paperwork to sign and they told about have we have to abide by their schedule and we needed to be out so they can do work. I told her that as soon as I know something i would let her know but I was not leaving tomorrow. She rolled her eyes and gave me the paperwork, which I signed and then left shaking I was so angry.

I am not a violent person. I don’t like it. I was closer to being violent than I have ever been before. I felt humiliation, depression, worthlessness. What had I done wrong? Why am I being pressured to leave?

I don’t feel safe in my own home knowing that she will try anything to get me evicted.

I am scared my friends.

I may have no home in which to hug my ponies….

 

PS. They have invaded my home. I was on the couch with my daughters watching TV and I had a workman knock on my door. When I answered he said he was here to replace the door and tried to come inside. I asked what he was doing and he said that he had a right to do it. 

I am now inside my apartment with no front door (they are replacing it now) with so much noise I cannot think. I am scared of who could come in when I am not home. I am scared of my own residence.

I have contacted a lawyer and they said until the try and evict us, there is nothing they can do. I have looked for someone to contact about this whole matter and every number I call cannot help me or I am told to leave a message.

I end this with tears in my eyes….