daughter

One day at a time Ralph.

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Wreck It Ralph. A wonderful Disney movie (which I love) that is about a video game character (another thing I love) that is depressed with his life (something I do not love but I live with). The main character, Ralph, is told to take it one day at a time. One day at a time is a wonderful view to take.

And something I have been trying to do this new year of 2016.

https://mystuffedlittletherapy.com/2016/01/16/staying-upbeat/

I made a vow at the beginning of the year to make 2016 a great year (I posted the link above). I am determined to do what I can to be positive. As I have a tendency to look at the bleak side of life, my wife often reminds me that you find what you expect to find. If you look for the bleak side of life, then that is what kind of life you will get.

I have had a very rough week this last week. I have felt more than beaten down than I have in a while. I shut down and didn’t talk almost at all on Easter Sunday. I normally would take time in this post to reveal what happened to me, how I handled it, and tell everyone to hug a pony for me.

Hold on to your hats, because I am not going to do that.

I am instead going to focus on the positives that have happened.

  1. I have moved to better place due to an amazing friend who opened his home to me and my family. He is one of the nicest, Godliest person I have known.
  2. I have been in better health than I have been in a long time. My medications have been working great so I have had some extra help to combat my deepening bouts.
  3. My girls are doing great at being homeschooled. I have been told that I have been a great teacher to them and they seem to be enjoying having me at home.
  4. I have been able to support my wife, to the envy of many other wives, with keeping the house clean, doing laundry, and keeping up with the home.
  5. I had a great birthday with amazing friends and family. They threw an amazing My Little Pony themed birthday and they jumped in with me in celebrating.
  6. I have made my blog a .com. I have been getting more mail about “starting” a business.
  7. I have had more interest in my blog from many different sources. I am waiting for more of these to come to fruition, but the uptick in interest has kept mine.

So there you have it, I am still fighting the fight even at the bottom of the valley. I hope this encouraging blog post helps people. Please sound off when you read this, on my blog, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, parcel post. Let encourage me as I hope I have encouraged you.

#hugapony

A hard Dad’s life, for us.

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It was, as we say in parentville, a long full day. It is 11:15 pm at the time of this writing and I am exhausted. This was a day for a Dad.

And I hope I was a good one.

I woke up to kids being awoken by the baby I watch during the day arriving. I made my coffee and Got the kids kids settled in for the morning. My dearest wife was up and out early with working (still an odd switch for me being home) and I prepared to start to the day. I was trying to get the coffee flowing in my veins but I could not get get motivated. I was sluggish and let the kids play and watching cooking shows as I struggled to get my rear in gear.

We have since moved into a new friends house. A lot of stress and pressure from were we were staying at was relieved. This brought with it a whole new stress. A stress that has made empires rise and fall. It has ended more than one marriage in my personal knowledge and is the one thing I have come to hate.

Money.

A dear friend who saved us from a difficult living situation has let us stay with him at no cost, and it has helped in more ways than I can count. The unfortunate side effect is that half our weekly income was also taken away in this move and we had to step up other bills. Medicine and medical bills have been due and past due. The shovel of paper is endless in the never ceasing tide in search of the green monster that I am to hold.

But it is not there for me to give.

I have been blessed by more people than I can name here who have come forward to help, and please don’t let me say that this is the most desperate I have been. I have lived in a time and place were I was trying not to steal a roll of toilet paper from work because I knew I had none at home. I have counted the pennies to go get a dollar burger from McDonald’s for lunch during a 12 hour work day and knew I had to make it last as my only meal. Hard times were every time.  I am truly blessed with dear friends and wonderful family who have helped me in every turn.

Help was also due today in the form of “tax return”. Tax time is a wonderful time for me as I have dear friends who I go to for my taxes and I get money to pay those horrid bills that stack against me. It seems odd to look forward to doing your taxes, but in my case I rejoice.

My dearest wife and I set out to do taxes and other errands. We had just managed to put money in the bank to pull us out of the overdraft scare that comes when automatic billing comes at the wrong time when we realized that it was late in the day and my wife had a work event going on soon. I also had been invited with my girls to go see Kung Fu Panda 3 and this was to be a time of joy with my daughters.

We went to the theater with friends and we settled in for a good time. I got us a Sprite to drink as it was going to run late and I did not want caffeine for the girls. My eldest daughter, however, did not appreciate the drink choice I bought. She sat there and refused my offers of drink to the point of tears. I asked in hush whispers what was the matter and she let me know she hated Sprite and all she wanted was water. I told her I would go and get her some when she burst into more tears and told no in full body horror. I sat shocked at the way she said it and asked why not and I was met with a “I don’t want to tell you.” I told her again to let me just go and get her some water and the look of horror filled her eyes and she begged for me not too.

I sat in my chair confused to what was going on when my daughter leaned in and said I didn’t need to spend the money on her. It clicked. I told her not to worry about it and I would go and get her some water so she could have a drink. She was crying so hard at this point, I wasn’t sure I could stop her. She said I didn’t need to spend money on her like this and she would be fine. I told her that she didn’t need to worry about that and I would go buy her a drink. She finally broke and let me go buy it for her but was still extremely upset that I did it. I told her we would talk more about it when we got home.

We left the theater in much better spirits as the movie was excellent (I will talk more about it in my vblog this week). We came home to my dearest wife returned and we all sat in our room for a nice chat. Both my daughters explained (in great detail for the ages of 6 and 8) that they knew how tight money had been and how their mom and I were so stressed about money that they were scared to ask for anything because they didn’t want to cause us stress.

My heart aches just writing about it.

Tears came to my eyes as I explained that I wouldn’t spend money I didn’t have on them. I told them I would never be upset at them for asking for things. I said the only time I would be upset is when I told them “no” to something and they kept asking or crying about wanting it. I explained there was a time and place to spend money and I would keep track of that. I explained that it was my job to worry about it, not them.

Oh dear hearts of children.

I realize that my stress had bled over to them and it angered me. It had disgusted me to my core. Oh little pitchers with big ears, what do you hear? I felt a failure as a parent. And then they did something magical.

I stood there beating myself up inside when they said they understood and that they would do their best to better. They said they loved me and mom and they would do what they could to help.

Out of the mouth of babies came redemption.

I still feel pride as well at how they reacted and handled it. I feel I have much work to do to be better, but they were with me with a second chance. Who hasn’t made a mistake?

I have.

And I will do better next time.

Hug a pony my friends.

Girly girls.

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I attended the most wondrous dance performance at a charming location in my living room. I sat down with my freshly brewed coffee from the local theaters café, some place called Keurig, and was told the show began in about 5 minutes.

The show featured 2 up and coming stars on the ballet scene. The choreography was stellar and intricate. Each dance move thought out with precision and tact. Seeing these young dancers dance must bring so much joy to their father, as I heard they were both sisters. There came an explosion of pixie dust at the end (made from non toxic biodegradable shaved crayons I am assured) that ended the performance. The audience broke out into applause for a full minute as the young dancers took 3 bows before retiring from the stage. All in all.

I got a chance to meet said young dancers backstage after the performance. I got hugs from both and was asked my thoughts on the entire production. I told them it was simply splendid and I could not wait for the next one. They thanked me and hugged me and asked then to play on Minecraft.

I love my daughters.

Hug a spouse, child, sibling, parent, friend, or pony today my friends.

#Hugapony

Finale of MLP

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It has been an amazing season for My Little Pony. It has been a roller coaster of a emotion. I recap.

Seeing the Apple and the Pie families come together for the first time in full. The whole thing of two families coming together and the differences of celebrations of holidays and family traditions was informative. It was very inspiring to see.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders, who we have been watching for 5 years, got their cutie marks. They all got to share in an experience that they will share for the rest of their lives. I am not going to lie, I cried. It was something I was waiting for the whole show. seeing their tales (or tails BAH the puns!)  come to fruition. I was so Happy.

The 100th episode was AMAZING! The writers took all the fans ideas and thoughts and made them canon in the show. The hit all the high points, confirmed all the characters relationships, and even poured out the Dr Who references with a fire-hose.

The 2nd to last episode, “The Mane Attraction”, was a personal favorite. The music of this episode was bar none. Danny Ingram is fantastic writer of music and I love his work in all the other episodes but this one with Amy Rogers (being her last episode with MLP) was a new high. Amy was leaving to go work for Disney (which also show’s the caliber of the show and its people) and she wanted to leave on a high note.

And wow she did.

Seeing the Finale was, as always, the high point of the season. I will not try and spoil anything but the different takes of the universe was amazing, both for the show and the fandom. Seeing the creators follow up on the 100th episode fan pleasing was fantastic. We all celebrated in the recurrence of all characters coming back in a new role.

It has been an amazing season and I cannot wait for next year (and to re-watch them on Netflix). I love a show that is so lovable. My fandom is fantastic and there are many like it but this one is mine. My daughters and I have this connection for a lifetime.

What show gets your life going?

Hug a pony my friends.

And the wind blows.

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The East wind has come. Change is here now and I get to share it with all of you. I know I have not had a chance to update in over a week, and I apologize. I plan on a few blogs to get you all up to date.

I have left my job.

I will also share were I have worked for the past 5 years. I was a training store manager for Gamestop. Now that I am gone I have decided to share that with you (so I can be honest and truthful of my feelings.

This was not an easy decision to come to as I dif not have a job lined up. I have never tried to leave a job without another lined up. The reason for this is that my wife and I have decided that I should be a stay at home dad.

Scary huh? ( I am terrified personally)

She has been working as a sales consultant for Jamberry nails. I will probably throw a plug in here for her sometime. I am standing behind her and I am trying my best to ensure that she succeeded. It is hard for me to give up my job as the primary bread winner. I have to say that because its true. It has nothing to do with her being the “wife” but my jealousy as someone who kept the money coming in. Part of this blog is to help me admit when I am wrong or what I am thinking.

And so you get to join me on this new journey.

I will be posting over the next few days about my last days in retail and my move to be closer to family. I want to thank you all for your support and your patience in my lateness of posting.

Still hugging my ponies in a new place.

Death comes in threes.

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I have looked were that phase came from, but there is not a whole lot of information on it. I do know that it is a much truer statement than I care to admit. These past few months have been crazy. I know I have held on as much as I could for my family.

Our pet Guinea pig died this morning. His name was Pascal from the movie Tangled. He was my daughter’s first family pet. My wife got him from a gentleman about 5 years ago who was getting rid of him following a bad break up. It was her pet and she loved him. He was nervous of us at first but soon, when he realized that we all loved him and was caring for him, he was very happy in his new home. He loved fruit and veggies. His favorite was the tomato. He would get one and he would squeal like a pig (go figure). When he was especially happy he would do little hops (or as my girls called it “he is doing his popcorn dance!”).

He was getting old here lately. He never liked being moved (our last move was 3 years ago) and we were not looking to move again. He was at least 2 years old when we got him and we had him for almost 5 years. We knew his time was coming soon.

I am tired of death. The death of the unborn, the death of a family member, and now the death of a family pet have worn me thin. I am having to explain once again about death to my daughters. Parenting has never been easy. This is by far one of the hardest experiences to help them through. I just need a break.

I think it is time to hug a pony.Sad_fluttershy

Break in the clouds.

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I know I have been posting on rough times and hardships. I can be rather depressing (comes with being depressed I suppose). I do want to share some good news and a joyous moment that I am still being moved by.

Our apartment is safe.

We talked to a lawyer and we were informed that we could not be forced to move or thrown out. In fact, if we had taken the offer of moving out early, we would have been liable for fines and penalties. We got the documentation we needed and spoke to our office. We managed to hold our composure and not yell and scream back at the trouble they have caused. It is just a relief to feel safe again.

We also managed to have a quick family time in which everyone got along. Over the past week, my daughters and I have been connecting and have been sharing in their lives. One of the things I used to be able to do was go on “Daddy dates”. These mini outings included going to park with and just one of them, getting an ice cream cone or bubble tea (if you don’t know what bubble tea is you are missing out).  These have been taken from me due to life and work.

And it has been hard.

So I found us a new activity. We have been watching the new Agents of Shield. My girls, like their father, have turned into a comic book fan and we have been wrapped up in the movies and the show. Seeing the wonder and awe in their eyes at the stories being told fills me with joy.

I get to share that.

I get to help them discover their joy.

We have had a few rough times as the show and the Marvel movies twist and turn. We gasp at the betrayals and cry at the sadness. In all of this, one thing shines through for me.

I get to be there with them.

I get to connect with them.

And this brings me much joy.

I will be hugging my ponies with my daughters tonight.

Thank you God.

…before the Dawn.

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And now the conclusion for the previous post.

It was a rough day the other day. I had not prepared myself for the follow up. The following day was a day to remember.

But this time it was in a good way.

I actually enjoyed work for the first time in a while. I was able to make it through the day and not have a bad customer (that in and of itself was a miracle).

My wife is doing much better. She was able to get up and get around the house. Almost back to her old self. We have looked into a plan to get her back into yoga as that has helped before and should do so again. I am crossing my fingers that it all works out.

My daughters have been angels. Now that is common for them to behave good for a few days but this time, there seems to be a deeper connection. My oldest is taking more responsibility and is working things out with her sister.

And no one is talking about hitting the other person.

To encapsulate this whole day, I got one of my last Plushies in for the Build-a-bear My Little Ponies, SPIKE!! I did win the bid on him and he is in great condition.

I find myself in an unusual situation. I am not one for “The sun will come out, Tomorrow!” (too bright and cheerful, bleh) but I did feel I needed the win. While this may not help you all, please share in my win. I spread it around to all.

While I use this blog to help get things out of my system, i have a habit of always trying to help other people to the fault of putting myself at risk. But in this I share, share in the joy of a win. If its yours or mine or someone elses, share joy.

And there is no greater joy than I know of, then hugging a pony.

It is always darkest….

/ Codefreak / 1 Comment

I hit a rock bottom for me today. This was a low of a low today. Dark could not begin to describe my mood or my whole day.

Today started with me still in pain from not getting my medication due to the pharmacy issues. Me, being foolish, decided not to take my dose before going to bed and woke up in serious pain. I had slept horribly.

Not a great way to start the day.

I had not been in pain like this for weeks, since I started the new meds. I had forgotten how bad it was and I was reminded in the worse way possible. I realize now how bad it was and is and can be.

But I wasn’t the one hurting.

My wife has had a few car accidents in the past. Her family also has a history of spine and neck problems. There are days that it acts up. There are bad nights were she sleeps on it wrong. This was one of the dark days were it was bad. She woke up crying from the pain. She had been up most of the night. The pain was so bad, she had thrown up a few times. Any medication, food, even water she could not keep down. It was a bad moment.

I don’t do well with family being in pain. I can help others and deal with other people, but the moment it is my immediate family, it becomes different. I was not able to help her in this. I still had work and asked her if she wanted me to stay home. She told me no, that she would handle it. I got ready for work and on the way out told my daughters to behave and be good for mama.

I went to work feeling horrible and proceeded to have the same result there. Massive amounts of returns (almost half of that days sales to be exact) the same rude customers and more. I tried to pick myself up, the meds started kicking in, and I was struggling to deal with everything. My wife called me later that evening. She informed me that she had to get out of bed because my girls were tearing up the house, screaming, fighting, and becoming uncontrollable. She asked me to talk to my oldest daughter and calm her down.

I sighed and stepped into my backroom and proceeded to try and calm my daughter down. She is uncontrollable at times and this was one of those times. I have what is called their “getalong shirt” were I make them fit into one of my shirts with arm holes cut out and they have to do everything together.

They hate it, but it teaches them (hopefully) to get along.

She would not listen to me. I tried to talk but she kept interrupting me and would not let me talk. I snapped and told her I would be home in 5 min (I live very close to my store) and that she and her sister was in the biggest trouble they could imagine. I hung up on her, clocked out for lunch at work and drove home.

What awaited me at home was rock bottom.

I came home to a locked door that I could not open. I banged on the door when the key only unlocked the one lock. My oldest answered with the nervous scared look on her face. I told her to go to her room and I would be in there in a moment. I looked around to a disaster of a house and went to check on my wife. She had thrown up again and still couldn’t keep things down and she could not help with the girls. I came out and could not find my youngest daughter. I turned to my oldest and asked where she was. She told me she had told her sister to hid.

I was confused.

Why did you tell her to hide? Where is she? What is going on?

My daughter told me that when I had hung up, she had told her sister to hid so she wouldn’t get in trouble and that way I couldn’t hurt her.

I was dumbfounded and hurt.

Let me be clear, I have never hit, punched, kicked, or maliciously hurt my children in ANY way. There has never been a moment in anger where I have deliberately hurt them. There was no justification that I could think of that would provoke this thought.

I asked her to go get her sister and called them both in the living room. I had one of the hardest conversations in my life. I asked why they thought I would hit them. They told me that they had heard it. I asked where from and they couldn’t tell me. I told them in very clear words that I would never do that. I would protect them and that I loved them and that they could always come to me. I told them that it hurt my feelings that they would think that.

This was a new concept for them. Hurt daddy’s feelings? We talked about that and what would happen as punishment. I took away the TV privileges, the few video games and anything electronic. This was two-fold as I believe even the shows I allowed them to watch and kept an eye on what they were watching, was teaching them bad things. I asked them to get along for mommy’s sake. We spent a few moments crying and talking through things.

I then had to go back to work as I was late getting back. I left them instructions, and checked on the wife and went back to work. The pain that I had been avoiding all day decided to hit me once again, reminding me that, yes it was still there. I finished the day and could not wait to get off.

It was a terrible day.

I needed my pony.

I have a follow up to this post coming soon, I ask that you hold any questions about how we are doing. I have taken a day or two to compose my thoughts on this so I am writing it after the fact.