Depression

Oh day of days.

/ Codefreak / 6 Comments

Crying. I am crying.

I can’t stop.

It is all my fault I feel.

I could have done something different. I could have been better. I should have been better.

I had a doctor’s appointment today to refill my medication because I literally ran out today. My last dose was this morning. My doctors appointment was scheduled and when I got to the office I was held up for paperwork in the main lobby. I was told I did not have to do any paperwork because I don’t have insurance it would be self pay. While waiting to get my paperwork the receptionist were talking and chatting so much that when another person came by they told them that they needed to finish up my paperwork so I could get to my doctors appointment. Because they took so long getting my paperwork to go see the doctor which I was not supposed to be doing anyway I ended up being 15 minutes late to my doctors appointment at which time I was informed that I was too late for my appointment and told to reschedule for next week.

I was in full panic mode.

Ask and then begged explaining that I had run out of my medication and that I needed to see the doctor and I was met with just a plain no from the nurse. I ended up barely talking to the receptionist asking if I could reschedule for later today or at least get a refill for the weekend until my appointment could be set.

I have to tell you that I was in shock the entire time. My body was numb and I just couldn’t believe that it would happen that way. My hands were trembling as I walked downstairs to the lobby and sat down to call my wife.

I had forgotten that I had to pay for parking and I left the only bank card with money on it at the moment at the house. Because I did not see the doctor I did not get my slip to cover for my parking and I did not have any money on me to pay for parking. Frantically I looked through all my pockets and found $0.71 in change I went and checked the parking charge and it was a dollar.

Defeat yet again.

I talk to my wife who was understandably furious at the situation and I tried to remain calm but I’m still in shock.

Somehow I just feel this is my fault I feel that I should have left earlier or done something different or ran to the appointment or hurried up the receptionist or anything. I know part of my problem is self-blame and in this situation I know while there’s only so much I can do I still feel it was my fault.

I am now sitting in my car across the street because of a very, very nice lady at the ticket counter let me go through without paying for parking. Small simple acts of kindness I think are going to save me as they do so many people.

Unfortunately while I’m trying to be very grateful for that wonderful act my body is still in full panic because I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this weekend and next week without my medication. Detox is not fun as a recorded here before and I’m not looking forward to doing that again. I am praying that my doctor cruise a small prescription so that I don’t run out again so I sit here and wait pleading, begging, praying for another miracle.

I’m hugging my pony very very tight right now.

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I now ask for all my dear readers for your prayers and strength. I hate asking for things it’s a pride issue something that I need to get over but I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to make it through without a miracle.

I hope all of you are having a better day than I am.

Hug your ponies for me my friends.

Pig time.

/ Codefreak / 3 Comments

I have always had bad days. I go about my day and can fake being nice with the best of them. In my mind however, I have 9 different conversations, and am holding so many balls that I am juggling I impress myself with holding it together. The problem is what thoughts I have.

They mostly negative.

And mostly about me.

I have always been my own worst enemy. I have a tendency to look at the more realistic side of a situation but these leads to the more negative outlooks on situations. This leads me to think the worse. It gets worse when I am stressed.

And let me tell you, I have been stressed.

I am on my seventh day working with 2 more to go. I have been putting together a job fair for work for the past month. I have had to put together a meeting for my whole staff. I have had to attend 2 full day meetings. My vehicles are barley holding it seems. My daughter’s have been sick. I have been sick. I have had some unexpected expenses which has overdrawn my bank account twice in the last week (both fortunately I have taken care of).

And I have been dreaming.

You have to realise that I don’t dream. When I was younger, I would have terrible night terrors that would haunt me. My imagination is a thing of legend, let me tell you, and not being able to control it was a needless to say difficult. I got into the habit and trained and prayed to the point that I would not dream.

Now most people tell me I must not remember these dreams but I still had them. I know that might be the case for some but I can tell you, I rarely ever dream. When I do it sticks out in my brain like a splinter. It eats at me. It rubs me raw.

And last night I dreamt.

It one of my warning signs I am hitting a stress limit.

After work today my mind was toast. My wife took me and told me all the good things in my life. I wouldn’t listen.

She had reason to worry.

The other day, I lost myself. I hit a limit that made my mind shut down. I hardly moved for almost 4 hours.

I didn’t speak the entire time.

People passed around me and tried to talk to me but my body could not respond. I felt trapped in my mind. My thoughts clawing to get out. I couldn’t  do it. My dear wife ended up forcing me to sit down to gather myself. Friends were called and I was put on watch.

I feel so guilty.

I feel the burden of being burden to others.

I should be able to take care of myself, I am a grown man.

But I couldn’t.

Instead, I wallowed in my depression.

Like a pig in mud.

Ponies my friends. I hug them. May they help me sleep.

Sands of time.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

I am too busy to write at the moment. A quick update is in order though to my loyal readers.

  1. My phone is broken. Most of my writing is done on there so this puts a hamper on me. I hope to have it fixed soon.
  2. I am SUPER busy at work (as in no days off in 2 weeks). I have so much going its hard to keep track of everything.
  3. I hit a very bad spot. I mean VERY bad spot. There was a moment were my friends put me on watch. I plan on going into that another time.
  4. I am in need of selling my car. I need the money and I need to make room for another car. I have been focused on that a lot.

I am sorry to all my readers about not updating as much. Please know this blog is in my thoughts which makes you in my thoughts.

Until I can write again, hug a pony my friends.

1 year ago…

/ Codefreak / 1 Comment

It was one year ago today that I started this blog. I have written a LOT! I am actually surprised at how much I have written. I went down memory lane. Here is the first post.

I am a male, 29 year old, Married, two kids. I hold (and have held) a steady full time job from the times I was about 14 or 15. I was raised in a Christian house with an older brother and 2 younger sisters. My daughters are at 4 and 6 at this time. 

And I suffer from depression. 

Ah yes. The “D” word. Something people throw out when they get upset, When they cant have their way, or just a general “I am depressed”. I am very disappointed that people are so eager almost to classify everything under this category. I wont say that not everyone can be depressed at a point in their life but depression and the byproducts of it are not a normality. So how do I deal with it?  Ponies and stuffed animals.

Not the typical “norm” for a person such as I am. Even I can agree that I am different in this regard. I could be classified as a Brony, Plushie, Furry, or many other labels that are attached to people who are different. I know people will frown, and they do, on me. It is another “cross” to bear (pun intended).

So why am I here? In part to share. To help me get it off my chest. To open myself up and push me to dig myself out of a hole. To reach out and explain why I do what I do. I welcome you to join me.

In this journey that you have joined me on, I have the following stats.

  • POSTS: 171
  • VIEWS: 3,530
  • VISITORS: 2,047
  • BEST VIEWS EVER: 118 SEPTEMBER 1, 2014

I want to say thank you. All 2000+ visitors, all the views and all the comments and messages I have been sent. This has been one of the coolest things I have been a part of and I cannot wait to see it grow. I get such joy with people who tell me how much I have helped them. I hope to continue to do so.

And so I want to close with a pretty awesome contest (If I do say so myself). I am giving away 3 Rainbow Dash clip on mini plushies. All you have to do to is one or all of the following:

Like and Comment on this post on WordPress.

Like, Comment, and Share on Facebook.

Like and Re-tweet on Twitter.
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I will follow and announce the winners within the next month (probably a week but I want to give myself time). The contest is from Aug 4th- Aug 11th 2015. Help me get the word out and maybe win a Plushie.

Again I thank you all.

Hug a pony my friends.

Death comes in threes.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

I have looked were that phase came from, but there is not a whole lot of information on it. I do know that it is a much truer statement than I care to admit. These past few months have been crazy. I know I have held on as much as I could for my family.

Our pet Guinea pig died this morning. His name was Pascal from the movie Tangled. He was my daughter’s first family pet. My wife got him from a gentleman about 5 years ago who was getting rid of him following a bad break up. It was her pet and she loved him. He was nervous of us at first but soon, when he realized that we all loved him and was caring for him, he was very happy in his new home. He loved fruit and veggies. His favorite was the tomato. He would get one and he would squeal like a pig (go figure). When he was especially happy he would do little hops (or as my girls called it “he is doing his popcorn dance!”).

He was getting old here lately. He never liked being moved (our last move was 3 years ago) and we were not looking to move again. He was at least 2 years old when we got him and we had him for almost 5 years. We knew his time was coming soon.

I am tired of death. The death of the unborn, the death of a family member, and now the death of a family pet have worn me thin. I am having to explain once again about death to my daughters. Parenting has never been easy. This is by far one of the hardest experiences to help them through. I just need a break.

I think it is time to hug a pony.Sad_fluttershy

Roller Coaster Ride.

/ Codefreak / 1 Comment

I find myself growling at everyone and everything. The mood I have been in has been terrible for the past week. I cannot find a way to shake it. I am taking everything hyper personal. The world is out to get me.

Or at least that is how i am taking it.

I am tired of being told that i take things to personal. I am a person. You tell me something. How am i supposed to not take it personally? I am getting real tired of people telling me things that “I take the wrong way”. Why can’t it be someone else’s fault? I am tired of baring the burden of the world.

My shoulders are tired.

I should be happy. I got my car working again. I am looking to sell it now. Not too much luck there. Everyone else can sell their cars in a day for twice the asking price, but i get told that my heap is worth $137.

I am trying to dig myself out of this hole i am in. I feel buried alive.

I hate myself.

I feel bad that I am having trouble caring about things.

I feel guilty that I can’t feel better.

My heart sags under the weight of know that I am a burden to others.

I feel I cannot speak my mind because my opinion doesn’t not hold weight.

People say they care, and they want to listen. I sit quietly and hold and comfort them. I wait patiently for my turn. But when my turn comes, I just am complaining.

My opinions don’t matter.

My ponies don’t fix that,  no matter how much I hug then.

Trapped in my head screaming but no one can hear me.

New meds.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

It has come to this. While I know it is a good thing to get help, I can’t shake the feeling of failure in being prescribed a new medication. I have had a series of panic attacks of the past month, for good reason I believe, and I went in for my 3 month check up.

I want to point out that I love my doctor. Now that we have a working relationship, and we know how each other think, we have been working together to get me help. I had mentioned all the stuff that has been going on in the past month and the panic attacks (also this blog as well, HI DOC!!) and she gently asked if I wanted to try another medication for those times.

I felt a little apprehension as this is another step in my mind. down the path of dependency something I am very adverse to. At the same time, I have slowly slipping down a dark path that I don’t want to think about.

I agreed.

So far I have found it helpful, with a slight crash at the end of it. I have been trying to time it so I am asleep when it happens. Who knows. I hope it helps.

At this point, doing nothing would hurt worse.

Hug a pony my friends.

Gone baby gone.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

I want laugh, cry, scream, and panic all at the same time. My emotions are such swirling cauldron of colours, it is hard to discribe. I really wonder if this is going to be thing to break me.

My apartment complex is trying to evict me from my home.

I have a lease until September. I have been a resident for almost 3 years. Except for one time 2 years ago, I have not been late and that one time I was a day late because I forgot to drop off the check on my birthday. I thought I was doing everything right.

But life sucks.

My complex has been renovating our apartments for awhile now. They started right after we resigned our lease last year. We asked if there was going to be an issue with another year long lease and we were told no problem.

Well it is a problem now.

The management staff have been pressuring me and my wife to either sign a new lease and move to a different apartment  (with a new deposit, more rent) or be moved out as soon as possible. We told them that we were not planning on moving until our lease was up in September. They told us that was good enough and that we had to be moved out sooner. We have been talking to them for weeks and they keep getting meaner.

Case in point.

I went in today to sign my 60 day notice of non-renewal for our lease termination. My wife had signed and I was told that I needed to sign. I went in and asked for the paperwork to sign and was told that it wasn’t an issue. I was then immediately asked if I was moving out. I told the manager not at the moment, but was wanting to sign the lease ending agreement. She looked at me and said that I needed to give them a date of when I was leaving. I said as of that moment, when my lease ended. She said that I needed to be out as soon as possible, tomorrow if I could.

I just stared at her.

No, I asked for my paperwork to sign and they told about have we have to abide by their schedule and we needed to be out so they can do work. I told her that as soon as I know something i would let her know but I was not leaving tomorrow. She rolled her eyes and gave me the paperwork, which I signed and then left shaking I was so angry.

I am not a violent person. I don’t like it. I was closer to being violent than I have ever been before. I felt humiliation, depression, worthlessness. What had I done wrong? Why am I being pressured to leave?

I don’t feel safe in my own home knowing that she will try anything to get me evicted.

I am scared my friends.

I may have no home in which to hug my ponies….

 

PS. They have invaded my home. I was on the couch with my daughters watching TV and I had a workman knock on my door. When I answered he said he was here to replace the door and tried to come inside. I asked what he was doing and he said that he had a right to do it. 

I am now inside my apartment with no front door (they are replacing it now) with so much noise I cannot think. I am scared of who could come in when I am not home. I am scared of my own residence.

I have contacted a lawyer and they said until the try and evict us, there is nothing they can do. I have looked for someone to contact about this whole matter and every number I call cannot help me or I am told to leave a message.

I end this with tears in my eyes…. 

Ebb and flow.

/ Codefreak / 2 Comments

I find myself in more and more of a bad mood. I am constantly having to check myself as I go about my day. I am growling at friends and family, and I am so exhausted all the time.

Ah depression, how I know thee.

I have had a bad run of things in the past month. Each time I thought me and mine’s life might be turning better, Life would find a way to knock the legs out from under us. I have cried more this past month than I have for almost 5 years. I have seen pain and heartache from the people I care the most about. And I have been sleeping hugging a pony.

I am not sure if it is helping.

I find depression likes to hold you down. It makes you want to stay in bed because facing the day is just too much. My days tend to be long and with with lots of people, some good some bad. The social interaction can wear on me as an introvert. It builds and builds until I am worn out. It doesn’t help the way I think or act as well.

For example.

I will have a plush pony on my person pretty at all times. I keep them in my pocket or on my belt loop. I sometimes need a quick rub of a plush’s nose to help my body calm down. It works very similarly to a security blanket. The problem comes when judgemental people see them and do what they do best.

Judge.

I know I have faced criticism from all fronts and have been put up as a spokesman of sorts as I can tend to voice reason with people. Others are not so lucky. I have had more than one person come to me scared because the secret is out about liking My Little Pony. I congratulate them and say welcome to the herd. They all get nervous and scared.

I hate that.

Why do you have to live in fear because of something that you like? Why do we not allow blankets and teddy bears after the age of 6? Is it because they don’t need “baby things”? Is it because we have to grow up?

I just will keep on keeping on. I will continue to be a safe person to come to about these things. Know my friends  that I will not back down. Even depressed as I might be at times, it just goes to show that I take the medicine that I talk about.

Tonight I will sleep, hugging a pony my friends.