This a teaser for my upcoming blog post “Stealing Joy”. I am out with friends and my family ” running” a 5k through the Fort Worth zoo. It has been a rough 2 weeks but I am doing my best to find joy and happiness. This is the picture for today.
#hugapony
#stuffedtherapy
This has been a very bad week for me. I have been trying very hard to post more positive things on my blog to make myself think more positive but life likes to throw us some curve balls.
This week was supposed to be a week of rest from the 3 weeks of madness of back to back conventions and then the long trek to see family (over 24 hours in a car total). I was hoping for a relaxing time to ease my soul and spirit.
This was not the case.
I got hit with the depression that likes to attack when I take a moment of peace. I feel it knows the game plan of my life and likes to find those moments and just pounce. It dregs up the worse moments and throws them in the heart. It blind me from seeing anything positive and cripples the body. I hate when it comes calling.
I had a rough few weeks. While the time I had doing what I love and seeing family, I was also faced with a lot of sorrow. I had quite a few events happen that just rubbed raw or broke me from people I know.
It hurts the most when it comes from people around you.
Now keep in mind (as I have a lot of friends and family who read this) this is not made to accuse or anger anyone. This is me just opening my soul and pouring words to a page to get them out. Words become trapped in my mind like a cage and if I don’t free them they eat away at me like water wearing down a rock. I am not asking or looking for a response, I just need to get it out.
I have had people tear me down. People have lied to me and about me. Some to my face. I have given myself freely to helping those around me, both my time, effort and even my own belongings. I have put myself to be hurt the most.
And it happened.
Over and over.
I have People who wont talk to me. I have have People now who just talk over me. I have have had People lie and steal from me. I have had People throw me under the bus and back it over me. I have been put in more stressful situations than I care to count.
Over and over.
And it didn’t stop.
It felt like dominoes falling trying to break me. Just one right after another. It broke me and then kept piling on. I had bills come in from all sides. Hospitals are very expensive at times and I owe a lot of money. I have been hit with my wife getting a car accident (she is OK, thank God) and losing one of my vehicles. My other van is being held together with wire and duct tape at times and can’t pass inspection.
But it is all I have.
I have pushed down to the point of being squished to feel so tiny that this world would be better off without me.
Yes, even those thoughts came like a crashing wave.
If I could be treated so badly, why get up out of bed? Depression seeps your strength. Your body feels like it is caring more and more weight. For me, I stop eating. All I think about is going to bed.
It is not just trying to get rest. That is just part of it. It is just trying to get a break. Sleep is just a slice of peace. It is an escape. It is a time when you can finally have a moment, between when you are awake and you dream, when you can not have everything beat you down. You may hate the day and have nightmares torment your night, but in the middle of all that you have a moment, just one brief moment of just one small break from everything.
You treasure that. You look forward to that. It is the one thing that keeps you going through some days. “Just let me make it to my moment of peace before I sleep”
I lived that for the last few weeks. It has been hard. Even with my plushies to help me through, medications still coming, and a loving wife and kids, I still lived for that one slice of peace.
Freedom from everything.
And sometimes that is what you have to do to make it through the days.
Hug a pony for me and you, my friends. May yours bring you a slice of peace.
PS I wanted to add that I am doing better now. I know some of you, very sweetly, check up on me. I am doing better. Thank you all.
I went home for Thanksgiving. I got to see my whole family for the first time in more than 3 years (and longer than that when were all together). I got to go home to a place that is beyond the boonies.
Let me explain.
Were my family lives is well beyond the country. When I say beyond, The closest Wal-mart is an hour away. In 4 directions. The closest McDonalds is over 20 minutes away. The nearest gas station is 15 minutes away
I am talking far out there.
It is a place of peace and quite. The wind blows and that is all you hear. There is no one for miles that can make enough noises for you to hear.
You can hear yourself think.
You go from a human doing and to a human being.
I got a chance to be at peace, with a pony.
Hug a pony my friends.
I am on the road with family. Being thanksgiving and all is making it difficult to post.
My panel went very well and I am looking forward to telling you guys all about it soon. I just wish there was more time in the day to be able to the even do half the things that I want to do.
It is been a very tiring two weeks as I’ve had back to back conventions. I’ve been through a lot and seen a lot and it is been some bad and some good.
For now I want to wish everyone a happy turkey day and I want to say to everyone thank you for being a part of my life.
Hug a pony my friends.
I am on my way to work another convention. I have a few updates to give before jetting off the weekend.
First, we gave one of our cars to a friend in need. We just got a newer car from my wife’s aunt passing away. We had a friend who needed a car to get to work. I had hoped to bless someone with it and we did.
Second, my wife had an accident in the new car. By the grace of God she is OK. The car is not so much. We are back down to one car. I am just beyond thankful she is safe.
Last, I am just being thankful for being alive. It has been a very rough week or two. Most thoughts have been very dark. I am thankful for friends who have helped me through this. I thankful for bright coloured ponies who make me smile. I am thankful for all the brony friends I have. I am most grateful and thankful for my family.
Hugging ponies on the road my friends.
I am at a breaking point. There are times when I just barely find a reason to get out of bed. I am fighting to keep myself going each and every day and I feel myself slowly keep slipping further and further behind.
This has been a bad month.
My van broke down while driving for work. My wife and I suffered a miscarriage. My car blew a gasket. Work has pilled up to my eyebrows with no end in sight.
And my wife’s aunt who we have been taking care of just passed away.
This is a person I have looked to to get through hard times. In the last 3 years she has been through more hardships than other people people face in 20 years. She had her dog pass away (who was like a child for her). Her husband suffered a stroke. She worked and helped him recover and when he was just about done with physical therapy, he left for another woman. She was then diagnosed with cancer.
Twice.
She went through chemo and started on the road to recovery and had some ups and downs. She was finally on the road that was looking promising.
And then her heart gave out.
My dear readers, I cannot express the amount of respect I had for this woman who stood up to the hardships of life and still pressed on. How am I to complain about anything? How am I to compare my hardships with hers?
Tears. Tears are not enough.
Hug a pony my friends.
“My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” We will miss you Aunt Evelyn.
I want thank everyone for the kind words and their thoughts and prayers. This past week has been extremely hard on my family. The outpouring of comfort and help is amazing and I was moved to tears.
I would like to also thank my dear readers here as well. You have kept reading and commenting in my absence and I have not been ignoring you. The path I have been on has been very dark for me. I plan on sharing when I, hopefully, get through it all.
Akon was a blast and the panel was extremely enjoyable. I know you had as much fun as I did. I plan on more posts on that later.
As I continue to battle nightmares, Depression, and more, I will keep on constant in mind.
Hug a pony my friends.
Its time tonight! Plan on having lots of small updates tonight and this weekend! Also check out the twitter feeds for constant updates!
So I had my parents visit this weekend. They drove 13 hours and made the long trek to see me and my family. It was a pleasant visit that refreshed me very much. I was not able to keep up to date with the blog so I am playing catch up.
Family is so important to me. My family has given me strength and helped me through some tough times. I do not want to know where I would be without my wife. My daughters have brought me joy and strength. I am coming up on my 9 year anniversary in marriage. I worked hard on it and am proud of it.
I do not get to see my parents very often anymore. Being a couple hundred miles away makes it difficult to see them more than once a year. When come down it is a special time.
It takes me back to a time of me being younger.
I end up pushing the shopping cart at Walmart.
I find myself laughing at my dad’s “dad jokes” only now with more understanding.
Its family.
and they came to visit.
Hug a pony my friends.
And now the conclusion for the previous post.
It was a rough day the other day. I had not prepared myself for the follow up. The following day was a day to remember.
But this time it was in a good way.
I actually enjoyed work for the first time in a while. I was able to make it through the day and not have a bad customer (that in and of itself was a miracle).
My wife is doing much better. She was able to get up and get around the house. Almost back to her old self. We have looked into a plan to get her back into yoga as that has helped before and should do so again. I am crossing my fingers that it all works out.
My daughters have been angels. Now that is common for them to behave good for a few days but this time, there seems to be a deeper connection. My oldest is taking more responsibility and is working things out with her sister.
And no one is talking about hitting the other person.
To encapsulate this whole day, I got one of my last Plushies in for the Build-a-bear My Little Ponies, SPIKE!! I did win the bid on him and he is in great condition.
I find myself in an unusual situation. I am not one for “The sun will come out, Tomorrow!” (too bright and cheerful, bleh) but I did feel I needed the win. While this may not help you all, please share in my win. I spread it around to all.
While I use this blog to help get things out of my system, i have a habit of always trying to help other people to the fault of putting myself at risk. But in this I share, share in the joy of a win. If its yours or mine or someone elses, share joy.
And there is no greater joy than I know of, then hugging a pony.
My Stuffed Little Therapy 