My Little Pony

And the wind blows.

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

The East wind has come. Change is here now and I get to share it with all of you. I know I have not had a chance to update in over a week, and I apologize. I plan on a few blogs to get you all up to date.

I have left my job.

I will also share were I have worked for the past 5 years. I was a training store manager for Gamestop. Now that I am gone I have decided to share that with you (so I can be honest and truthful of my feelings.

This was not an easy decision to come to as I dif not have a job lined up. I have never tried to leave a job without another lined up. The reason for this is that my wife and I have decided that I should be a stay at home dad.

Scary huh? ( I am terrified personally)

She has been working as a sales consultant for Jamberry nails. I will probably throw a plug in here for her sometime. I am standing behind her and I am trying my best to ensure that she succeeded. It is hard for me to give up my job as the primary bread winner. I have to say that because its true. It has nothing to do with her being the “wife” but my jealousy as someone who kept the money coming in. Part of this blog is to help me admit when I am wrong or what I am thinking.

And so you get to join me on this new journey.

I will be posting over the next few days about my last days in retail and my move to be closer to family. I want to thank you all for your support and your patience in my lateness of posting.

Still hugging my ponies in a new place.

Free Flying

/ Codefreak / 1 Comment

I have always dreamed of flying. I was flying back from Las Vegas and I happened to get a window seat. I have said before I have an overactive imagination. I enjoy seeing things from a birds eye view. Staring at the clouds from the top side just gives you a sense of awe. My heart skips a beat when seeing something that can’t be seen without the help of a wonder that is air flight. I find myself discouraged at the fact that most people can taking airplanes so casually. Sailing the air above the clouds and seeing the rays of sun well before they reach the ground. I looked out that airplane window and saw freedom.

A birds freedom.

And now we come up to a day that, for Americans, tends to bring sadness and grief. Rightly so, but I remember vividly the time and place when a nation hit her knees. I remember the times when people helped other people. It wasn’t a black lives thing or a white power. It was people.

People helping people.

Humans, being human.

I look back and think of some better times. If you have flown in the past 14 years you know that it is changed dramatically. I have seen the change in people and the change in attitudes. Now I try not to judge, hell I have changed more than a lot. I just wonder were our humanity has gone. In a day and age of being offended, I find myself more and more saddened by the state of everyone. This goes for everyone, not just Americans. I look at humanity and I get sad.

I know I am a romantic. I tend to get sad over the little things and get overwhelmed at the big things. People have often wondered why I let people walk over me. I get trampled upon and looked down upon. I act out for the benefit of others. I do what I can to show others how to be nice.

How to be human.

How to feel free again.

Flying through the air is exhilarating. The birds eye of things, showing you how small you really are. Cars look like ants, and you can’t even see people. You just see yourself.

Are you happy with you?

How free are you?

How human are you?

What have you done in the past few hours, days, weeks, for another person? It could be as simple as not yelling back at the customer who spent the past 15 minutes cursing you out. It could be that you provided a car so someone can get to a job. It could be just a smile to the right person.

It could just you being human.

Not a human doing.

A human being.

Hug a pony my friends. I love you all.

 

 

#hashtag #brony

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#Brony

I have had so much fun with this the pat weekend and week. I just got back from my manger’s conference and I totally rocked being a brony. I got to show off my love for my fandom and got to pass out some new business cards. I have a few awesome stories to tell and thought I would share here. I would like to apologize for not posting much but life is overwhelming at the moment.

First off, I had the random stranger encounter in Viva Los Vegas! I was walking through the New York New Your casino, showing my roommate how to play craps. As we were standing there, I was approached by a wonderful couple who started listening to me explain the game. The husband saw my shirt and his mouth fell open.

“Is that a My Little Pony shirt?!?”‘

I replied with an affirmative (thanking my stars that I was wearing the ONLY pony shirt I had).

“Are you a Brony?” Came next.

Again I replied with a resounding yes.

“I didn’t think that you guys existed. I thought you were an internet myth!!”

I didn’t take offense. We talked for a few minutes and I answered some questions and explained a little bit of why I joined the fandom and dispelled some of the myths (crazy what people think of us as bronies!). I gave them a card, and if you are reading this Hi you made my day, and went on my way. It was a really cool encounter. One of the reasons I am so outgoing in my support of my passions is to be that liaison that we need. I can speak both normal and fandom and I feel I am a great way to bridge the gap for those who don’t know.

This started a rash of Twitter post by me for my work. They had a nice big screen that if you put in a #hashtag of a certain word, it would show your post on the big screen. I saw this as a great opportunity to do what I do best.

Post ponies.

So the following happened to be the 4 pictures that made it to the big screen, ALL THREE DAYS OF CONFERENCE!!! I was so proud.

CN6AgzzUwAA0RF_ CNw41MEUwAADrau CN8IFBeUEAEoIX- CNvrQiJUEAAIgur

All I can say is I was super stoked! I got a few replies to my tweets and I want to give a shout out to the rest of the Bronies who posted back or came up to me in person. Thank you all! It was so much fun to share a moment at my work like this.

And now, I need to rest as my hangover passes.

Hug a pony everyone!!!

The weekender

/ Codefreak / Leave a comment

Just a quick update for the weekend.

I want to thank everyone who has been sending me pony links. I have been going through each one and I drool over them every time. I have actually been working with a 3d modeling program to try and 3d print my own pony. The results are better than what I had first anticipated but I have a ways to go.

I have been sick over the past few days (even taking a day off of work *gasp) and have been trying to recover. My body seems adamant to kill me so I have to put up the usual fight.

I do hope to have some big news soon but until it gets confirmed you will just have to wait along side me.

Until next time, hug a pony my friends.

Pig time.

/ Codefreak / 3 Comments

I have always had bad days. I go about my day and can fake being nice with the best of them. In my mind however, I have 9 different conversations, and am holding so many balls that I am juggling I impress myself with holding it together. The problem is what thoughts I have.

They mostly negative.

And mostly about me.

I have always been my own worst enemy. I have a tendency to look at the more realistic side of a situation but these leads to the more negative outlooks on situations. This leads me to think the worse. It gets worse when I am stressed.

And let me tell you, I have been stressed.

I am on my seventh day working with 2 more to go. I have been putting together a job fair for work for the past month. I have had to put together a meeting for my whole staff. I have had to attend 2 full day meetings. My vehicles are barley holding it seems. My daughter’s have been sick. I have been sick. I have had some unexpected expenses which has overdrawn my bank account twice in the last week (both fortunately I have taken care of).

And I have been dreaming.

You have to realise that I don’t dream. When I was younger, I would have terrible night terrors that would haunt me. My imagination is a thing of legend, let me tell you, and not being able to control it was a needless to say difficult. I got into the habit and trained and prayed to the point that I would not dream.

Now most people tell me I must not remember these dreams but I still had them. I know that might be the case for some but I can tell you, I rarely ever dream. When I do it sticks out in my brain like a splinter. It eats at me. It rubs me raw.

And last night I dreamt.

It one of my warning signs I am hitting a stress limit.

After work today my mind was toast. My wife took me and told me all the good things in my life. I wouldn’t listen.

She had reason to worry.

The other day, I lost myself. I hit a limit that made my mind shut down. I hardly moved for almost 4 hours.

I didn’t speak the entire time.

People passed around me and tried to talk to me but my body could not respond. I felt trapped in my mind. My thoughts clawing to get out. I couldn’t  do it. My dear wife ended up forcing me to sit down to gather myself. Friends were called and I was put on watch.

I feel so guilty.

I feel the burden of being burden to others.

I should be able to take care of myself, I am a grown man.

But I couldn’t.

Instead, I wallowed in my depression.

Like a pig in mud.

Ponies my friends. I hug them. May they help me sleep.

Ebb and flow.

/ Codefreak / 2 Comments

I find myself in more and more of a bad mood. I am constantly having to check myself as I go about my day. I am growling at friends and family, and I am so exhausted all the time.

Ah depression, how I know thee.

I have had a bad run of things in the past month. Each time I thought me and mine’s life might be turning better, Life would find a way to knock the legs out from under us. I have cried more this past month than I have for almost 5 years. I have seen pain and heartache from the people I care the most about. And I have been sleeping hugging a pony.

I am not sure if it is helping.

I find depression likes to hold you down. It makes you want to stay in bed because facing the day is just too much. My days tend to be long and with with lots of people, some good some bad. The social interaction can wear on me as an introvert. It builds and builds until I am worn out. It doesn’t help the way I think or act as well.

For example.

I will have a plush pony on my person pretty at all times. I keep them in my pocket or on my belt loop. I sometimes need a quick rub of a plush’s nose to help my body calm down. It works very similarly to a security blanket. The problem comes when judgemental people see them and do what they do best.

Judge.

I know I have faced criticism from all fronts and have been put up as a spokesman of sorts as I can tend to voice reason with people. Others are not so lucky. I have had more than one person come to me scared because the secret is out about liking My Little Pony. I congratulate them and say welcome to the herd. They all get nervous and scared.

I hate that.

Why do you have to live in fear because of something that you like? Why do we not allow blankets and teddy bears after the age of 6? Is it because they don’t need “baby things”? Is it because we have to grow up?

I just will keep on keeping on. I will continue to be a safe person to come to about these things. Know my friends  that I will not back down. Even depressed as I might be at times, it just goes to show that I take the medicine that I talk about.

Tonight I will sleep, hugging a pony my friends.

Oh the joys of retail.

/ Codefreak / 3 Comments

You know how it goes. You work retail, you help a bunch of customers, make a few people smile, stock some shelves, answer the phone.

And the someone threatens to get you fired.

So it went like this today. I was have your typical retail day. Some good customers, some rude ones, and all the ones in between.

Then I had a young man come in want to buy something that has an age requirement. I asked him if he was og age and he said no. I asked if his parent or legal guardian was here and he said no. He said he had his mother’s ID and that she said it was ok to sell him whatever he wanted.

Dont they all.

When I refused he then asked if he could put his mother on FaceTime and give permission that way and, while being a new one I hadn’t been asked, I said no. He then called his mother and told her the situation. He then said that she wanted to talk to me.

Oh joy of joys.

I answered the phone and was immediately greeted with curse words and bitching (cause that helps everything). I explained that this was something I could not override only to be told that I was being a jerk and just didn’t want to sell her son the item (and not make money evidently). She explained that she was a peace officer who had a disability and couldn’t come up there and that I should just sell her son what he wanted. I refused.

She then asked to speak to my boss, who isnt at the store, and i told her I would ask for her sake but it probably wouldn’t change anything. I called, my boss agreed with me, he reaffirmed that I would lose my job if I did do it and I picked back up the other phone.

Once again I explained that I could not do it and that I would lose my job only to be interrupted with how horrible of a person I was and that I would be fired over this injustice and she wanted my name, my boss’s name, his boss’s name and the number for my corporate offices. I, in her mind I guess, was the worst person in the world.

I gave her all the information she asked for and even managed to suggest that she go online to order the item so it could be shipped to her house but that was not good enough.

Some people just can’t be pleased.

Sigh, hug a pony friends. My head hurts. 

Sabbatical

/ Codefreak / 1 Comment

I want thank everyone for the kind words and their thoughts and prayers. This past week has been extremely hard on my family. The outpouring of comfort and help is amazing and I was moved to tears.

I would like to also thank my dear readers here as well. You have kept reading and commenting in my absence and I have not been ignoring you. The path I have been on has been very dark for me. I plan on sharing when I, hopefully, get through it all.

Akon was a blast and the panel was extremely enjoyable. I know you had as much fun as I did. I plan on more posts on that later.

As I continue to battle nightmares, Depression, and more, I will keep on constant in mind.

Hug a pony my friends.

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