I had a wonderful time today seeing a friend. I was taken by surprise when he walked into my store. I had not seen him in a few weeks and I really needed the support. It was a holiday in retail and we were extremely busy. I was working alone and was just a little stressed out. Seeing a friendly face helped me get through some of the madness. As someone who knows about my depression, and knew I needed the support, he stayed at my store for several hours. Then he did something that really touched me.

He asked me to lunch.

Now, as someone who suffers from taking customers too personally and can take things out on myself, this blew me away. It was completely unexpected. I was in shock. I had not brought my lunch today and had planned on tough guying it. It was a beautiful gesture that moved me.

As we went to lunch, he asked how I was doing, how the family was doing, and hows work. He didn’t just ask me, he asked how I was responding to them. He understood that as someone who suffers from depression as I do, its not about the superficial, its what is under my outward emotions, what I keep hidden that mattered. I am still appreciative beyond words for his actions. I feel if everyone could do something for someone else, the world would change. Amazing how many people don’t.

I will be leaving my family for a week to go to California to go to a work conference.  I am unsure how I will do as I am still recovering from the times away we had in the past month. I will be strong, and will keep my pocket pony on me as I travel. Updates should still be coming as I have quite a few post saved for this occasion. 

I love people. Its why I do what I do. I enjoy helping parents and children find what they are looking for, and love to have a great conversation along the way. Teaching and informing someone about a product they know nothing about, for me, is a great joy. I love seeing the light-bulb go off in people’s head.

I will never forget a convention I work security for several years ago. It was an anime (Japanese cartoons) convention dealing with people dressed up in costumes, shouting out “nerdisms” (sayings from movies, video games comics), and generally a rowdy crowd of normally anti social people being sociable. I was helping work the elevator banks where we had several hundred people trying to use six elevators to go up and down a very tall hotel. Supervision was need as this was a common foot traffic choke point. I was helping grab an elevator as the doors opened when a family of four stepped out and almost jumped back in due to shear fright. With conventions, the Con goers (people who attend the convention) usually take up 99% of the hotel rooms at a hotel and the surrounding hotels. There are always a handful of business men and/o,r very rarely, someone who has no idea that this madness occurs.

I reached out my had to the father and told him it was alright and that if they would come with me, I would show them a path out of the madness. The family huddled in fright as I lead them as they stared wide eyed with terror at what they could only believe was the end of the world. Myself, dressed in my normal attire for conventions, had my big fluffy wolf ears and and grey fluffy tail on and I am sure threw this family off. The Dad, in panicked but controlled tones, asked me what was going on. I told them that they had entered into a anime convention. I asked if they were in town for family, and they said they were attending a wedding and decided to make a family vacation out of it. They asked me the usual anime questions (what is it, why do people dress up, whats a popular one), and found they also enjoyed some of the classic Disney movies and other animated films and shows. I took my time and happily told them all I knew. We had reached the street at this time where we were in daylight and could see normally dressed people in places. They thank me for my time and went on their way.

I told a few people what had happened and we all had a chuckle over new people. The next day I had a friend come running up to me, asking what the family looked like, was it a father, mother and two daughters, and what ages they where. I was taken back in at this rush and asked him why. He explained that he thought he saw them over near a vendors area, called the Dealers room. I quickly walked over to see if they where in any trouble or needed any help. I found them in normal, vacationing attire with convention passes and bags of merchandise. As I walked up to them, they gushed to see me and started talking over one another. They where so impressed by how I explained everything to them that they decided to get passes and enjoy the show. They had found some toys from old shows the dad used to watch and just had to have them. The mother wanted to know if there was a place to rent costumes and dress up. They were completely enraptured in the whole experience. I helped them as best I could, beaming with joy the whole time. They couldn’t wait to get home and see if they had conventions at their hometown.

I will never forget that family. I never forget the joy I get by helping people. I want to continue to do that with this blog. I cannot wait to see if I can bring more joy in this world.

Someone once told me, opinions are like assholes, everyone has them and some of them stink. I really feel that this is only the beginning of a bigger statement. Something along the lines of, Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them, some of them stink, you better keep you nose out of someone elses, and dont ever force something up one of someone elses.

I can be very opinionated. Most of the time I try very hard to keep them to myself, but there are occasions that I feel too strongly about something and must comment or chime in on something. I have caught myself in two such debates here in the past week and both went the same way.

I was insulted, called an idiot (or worse), told in more or less terms to go jump off a bridge.

WOW! I mean, if you can’t agree with someone, is this how your debate? I am seeing more and more of “If you don’t agree with me, you should die” It is a TERRIBLE thing to tell someone off because you disagree with them. How can we expect to have discussions that sharpen our wits if all we can do is insult the other person. I had someone who had some great facts and points to show how right he was (I still disagree with him), but he just attacked me over and over personally. Calling me a child, telling me I am a liar, all while telling me his side of a story. I have no problem with being passionate about something, anything! But when you attack the other side, make fun of them, call in your buddies to gang up on someone, well, in my opinion, you aren’t worth the air to talk with (or the brain cells to use while typing on the internet). I dont understand how people think that it is OK to do this. How this is justifiable is crazy. It is physically painful for me to go through it. My body will actually hurt from the tension that happens. And yet, I still keep my opinion and give it. The one thing that helps is hugging a stuffed pony.

Today was a day of rest. Of the body and the mind. I think we all forget that we need rest. Just taking 5 minutes a day would make a world of difference. I challenge anyone to just take 5 minutes and do nothing but breath. Not think, not worry, not hope, not fear, just be. Stopping from a human doing, to a human being. Relax, it can change your life.

How you had 5 minutes today?

I feel dead inside. I dont know how to feel inside. I just can’t control this horrid blackness that threatens to overwhelming me. I have been beating back my sorrows and depression for a good few weeks now. It is all threatening to come down now. Like a oak tree I try and stand against the storm. I really need to learn to be a willow tree that can bend and not break.

I have had several people pass away on me in the past few weeks. People I know, celebrities, fellow Americans. I have seen hate despair, sorrow, hopelessness, grief. I have not only seen them but felt them as well. That building wave of emotion that threatens to wash away any kind of happiness. The daily struggle to get up in the morning, and the same struggle to stay awake for fear of the dreams that may haunt you.

The feeling of loneliness. It is as deadly as a sword.

All I want to scream is “Be still, sad heart! and cease repining, Behind the clouds is the sun still shining”, But the day is cold, and dark, and dreary. I know that feeling all too well. All I can say is find someone, something, some place, that makes you FEEL. Something, anything! Try and find your anchor, anything that will hold you in this world. Whatever, where ever that may be. Forget how silly it is, forget about what other people think, THEY DONT MATTER. You do, dear reader, you matter. You matter to me. This blog is here to help with depression, mine. If it can help you, its done more than I have ever dreamed. I lift my stuffed plushie and salute you.

Live, dear reader, live. Some days must be dark and dreary.

I It is hard to let go. It is painful. No one likes it. Letting go can be seen as giving up, you losing control. I had to give up my store to a brand new 3rd key manager. She closes by herself to night. I cannot help but feel bad. I try everything to makes sure people are ready. I put all my effort into making sure they are trained and know everything they possibly can. It is hard letting go.

Same goes with people. We have to let go of people. I have had a big burden to remember people I have lost over the past few weeks. It is hard to let go. It is the hardest thing I have to do.

But I will. I will move on. I will survive.

Hug a pony my friends.