I am not feeling well today. I was unable to keep anything down, not even water. I threw out my back I was throwing up so hard. Just a bad day in general. I spent a few in minutes in agony on the couch and nuzzled Fluttershy. It wasn’t a big help but it was help. I hate being alone when I am sick. With her by my side, I wasn’t.

I am missing my wife terribly. Both my wife and my daughters are gone for 2 weeks. Part of why I started this blog is to write down my feelings so they don’t stay bottled up inside. I have suffered through depression and am trying to avoid that again.   My way of doing this is by sleeping with a stuffed Fluttershy plush. My family surprised me with her on my birthday. I daughters faces were beaming when they saw my smile at the store. My wife had the slightly smug look about her when she knew that it was a perfect gift. Memories so powerful, I hope to avoid depression.   Something I did to help me calm down at night and sleep is to spray Fluttershy with one of my wife’s perfumes. Now, I know some people might get upset or creeped out by this but for me it helped me get used to her. Just smelling the scent of my wife just melted away anxiety, the soft fur brushing my face was the perfect textile to help me sleep. I curled up in the fetal position like i used to do as a kid and slept. No dreams, no nightmares, just sleep.   And it was good.

So my co-workers approached me about being a brony and liking MLP:FiM (My little Pony: Friendship is Magic). I have always been a self proclaimed brony, and have enjoyed the show immensely. The writing is fantastic, The voice work is well done, animation is incredible. I will shout to the ends of the earth My love for this show.

But being approached by my peers is something different.

I will admit, it is hard to fit in to the “cool” crowd when you have a love for this show, like girly things, or even being a furry. I have never hid from these and have embraced them as much as I can. It amazes me that someone can be gay, and come out of the closet, and receive attention, support, and love from most people (I have quite a few gay and lesbian friends) but If you say you are straight, you like MLP or plushies, there is something seriously wrong with you or you are a pedophile. It is an instant snap for people. Their brains can’t comprehend that someone about 30, male, straight, married, 2 kids, would even be remotely involved with this “kids stuff”

My coworkers responded well. I did not “geek out” or go overboard with my fandom. They made a few comments about a person or 2 were bronies and would work well for my store. They did pass silent judgement from what I could tell, but overall it was a positive response.

After work, we gathered back together for dinner, and someone had brought their daughter who was a huge MLP fan. I of course asked what her favorite pony was, what she liked and had a wonderful time having a small talk with her. She was so surprised and almost embarrassed for me. She was so happy to have an adult enjoy her pastime. I almost brought out my Plush Fluttershy to show her, but I felt that might be a bit much, and it is very special to me. 

I am sitting here wondering what would have happened if I did.

So I went to work the first day after my week long vacation at an anime convention. I was not wanting to go back. Dreading it to be precise. I was scheduled to work a job fair and to do interviews. Lots of people. Lots of new people. Not my best environment.  

So I brought along my little plush Fluttershy in my bag. I made sure to rub her nose as it is a calming technique I use. I have done this for a few years at some of the conventions I work. I usually keep her in my pocket but as I am working a professional job I have to keep her in my bag.  I tried to only pull her out while driving. Even though it was a long day, and I had a major headache from the stress about to hit me, I decided to pull her out after the interviews while driving home. My body relaxed, my mind was soothed, and my headache went away. I did not take pain meds or do anything else. My body just calmed down. 

I was so happy to just be calm. I was able to focus when I got back to my job. I did not forget anything (that I can remember). I was able to still be stern and discipline an employee. My whole personality changed. It was such a relief. I cant wait to keep using this.

I just got back from an anime convention. I do work these and generally enjoy my time. People supporting what they love. They work all year on a costume and they get a chance to show it off. They run to panels to see their favorite voice actors. They can buy all kinds of crazy, awesome items. They have fun.

Most of the time. 

Its funny to see that even in this grouping, certain groups of people have trouble accepting another. Sure fandoms collide but this is different. The picking and teasing starts, people cry, and they try to kill themselves. Literally. They say “I want to end my life” Those words, those soul crushing words, are devastating to me. So I talk. I talk to them. If they dont talk, I talk about me and try and have them join in a conversation. I try and relate to them. I try my best to be a people person. 

I am not.

I am an introvert that enjoys staying inside all day doing nothing. I love nothing more in the world than to curl up with a book. I hate crowds. I hate people in groups. I dislike most of the people in groups. But give me a person. Let me have a 1 on 1 with them, and I can do great things.

I enjoy letting people talk about themselves. When they open up and are completely honest. They share things with you that they dont want to admit. What they are fans of, or what fetishes they have, or even those who like multi-coloured ponies. When you can let them talked about it, they have a moment of freedom. They reveal who they really. Some cannot say all or even get more than a word or two out but they talk. That is what this blog is all about. This is my confession. 

I like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I love stuffed animals and have for years. I enjoy putting on furry ears and a tail. If I had paws, I would wear those as well. 

I am a male, 29 year old, Married, two kids. I hold (and have held) a steady full time job from the times I was about 14 or 15. I was raised in a Christian house with an older brother and 2 younger sisters. My daughters are at 4 and 6 at this time.

And I suffer from depression. 

Ah yes. The “D” word. Something people throw out when they get upset, When they cant have their way, or just a general “I am depressed”. I am very disappointed that people are so eager almost to classify everything under this category. I wont say that not everyone can be depressed at a point in their life but depression and the byproducts of it are not a normality. So how do I deal with it?  Ponies and stuffed animals.

Not the typical “norm” for a person such as I am. Even I can agree that I am different in this regard. I could be classified as a Brony, Plushie, Furry, or many other labels that are attached to people who are different. I know people will frown, and they do, on me. It is another “cross” to bear (pun intended).

So why am I here? In part to share. To help me get it off my chest. To open myself up and push me to dig myself out of a hole. To reach out and explain why I do what I do. I welcome you to join me.

– D