Bad Day

Ebb and flow.

/ Codefreak / 2 Comments

I find myself in more and more of a bad mood. I am constantly having to check myself as I go about my day. I am growling at friends and family, and I am so exhausted all the time.

Ah depression, how I know thee.

I have had a bad run of things in the past month. Each time I thought me and mine’s life might be turning better, Life would find a way to knock the legs out from under us. I have cried more this past month than I have for almost 5 years. I have seen pain and heartache from the people I care the most about. And I have been sleeping hugging a pony.

I am not sure if it is helping.

I find depression likes to hold you down. It makes you want to stay in bed because facing the day is just too much. My days tend to be long and with with lots of people, some good some bad. The social interaction can wear on me as an introvert. It builds and builds until I am worn out. It doesn’t help the way I think or act as well.

For example.

I will have a plush pony on my person pretty at all times. I keep them in my pocket or on my belt loop. I sometimes need a quick rub of a plush’s nose to help my body calm down. It works very similarly to a security blanket. The problem comes when judgemental people see them and do what they do best.

Judge.

I know I have faced criticism from all fronts and have been put up as a spokesman of sorts as I can tend to voice reason with people. Others are not so lucky. I have had more than one person come to me scared because the secret is out about liking My Little Pony. I congratulate them and say welcome to the herd. They all get nervous and scared.

I hate that.

Why do you have to live in fear because of something that you like? Why do we not allow blankets and teddy bears after the age of 6? Is it because they don’t need “baby things”? Is it because we have to grow up?

I just will keep on keeping on. I will continue to be a safe person to come to about these things. Know my friends  that I will not back down. Even depressed as I might be at times, it just goes to show that I take the medicine that I talk about.

Tonight I will sleep, hugging a pony my friends.

I want to cry, but the well is dry.

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I am at a breaking point. There are times when I just barely find a reason to get out of bed. I am fighting to keep myself going each and every day and I feel myself slowly keep slipping further and further behind.

This has been a bad month.

My van broke down while driving for work. My wife and I suffered a miscarriage. My car blew a gasket. Work has pilled up to my eyebrows with no end in sight.

And my wife’s aunt who we have been taking care of just passed away.

This is a person I have looked to to get through hard times. In the last 3 years she has been through more hardships than other people people face in 20 years. She had her dog pass away (who was like a child for her). Her husband suffered a stroke. She worked and helped him recover and when he was just about done with physical therapy, he left for another woman. She was then diagnosed with cancer.

Twice.

She went through chemo and started on the road to recovery and had some ups and downs. She was finally on the road that was looking promising.

And then her heart gave out.

My dear readers, I cannot express the amount of respect I had for this woman who stood up to the hardships of life and still pressed on. How am I to complain about anything? How am I to compare my hardships with hers?

Tears. Tears are not enough.

Hug a pony my friends.

“My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” We will miss you Aunt Evelyn.

Oh the joys of retail.

/ Codefreak / 3 Comments

You know how it goes. You work retail, you help a bunch of customers, make a few people smile, stock some shelves, answer the phone.

And the someone threatens to get you fired.

So it went like this today. I was have your typical retail day. Some good customers, some rude ones, and all the ones in between.

Then I had a young man come in want to buy something that has an age requirement. I asked him if he was og age and he said no. I asked if his parent or legal guardian was here and he said no. He said he had his mother’s ID and that she said it was ok to sell him whatever he wanted.

Dont they all.

When I refused he then asked if he could put his mother on FaceTime and give permission that way and, while being a new one I hadn’t been asked, I said no. He then called his mother and told her the situation. He then said that she wanted to talk to me.

Oh joy of joys.

I answered the phone and was immediately greeted with curse words and bitching (cause that helps everything). I explained that this was something I could not override only to be told that I was being a jerk and just didn’t want to sell her son the item (and not make money evidently). She explained that she was a peace officer who had a disability and couldn’t come up there and that I should just sell her son what he wanted. I refused.

She then asked to speak to my boss, who isnt at the store, and i told her I would ask for her sake but it probably wouldn’t change anything. I called, my boss agreed with me, he reaffirmed that I would lose my job if I did do it and I picked back up the other phone.

Once again I explained that I could not do it and that I would lose my job only to be interrupted with how horrible of a person I was and that I would be fired over this injustice and she wanted my name, my boss’s name, his boss’s name and the number for my corporate offices. I, in her mind I guess, was the worst person in the world.

I gave her all the information she asked for and even managed to suggest that she go online to order the item so it could be shipped to her house but that was not good enough.

Some people just can’t be pleased.

Sigh, hug a pony friends. My head hurts. 

Depression falls

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I am in a total funk. I have not been myself and it shows. I have had so much happen this month and I am now at the end.

Only way to go is up right???

I have managed to survive (barely) this month and all its bad news. It has wore me down like water on a stone. Depression is always there for me but now it washes over me like a Texas flood. I hate the way it feels. I hate that I have reached this point.

I am now to the point that I am numb. I don’t feel anything. I just go about my daily tasks and try to not piss people off. I just feel so tired and cranky that I am biting people’s heads off even when they don’t deserve it.

Me being mean is a rare thing.

As someone who is a Canadian level of niceness, I tend to run with a much better attitude than I have been presently. Customer service skills are at MAX level for me as I try my best to do what I can to help the customer. I am just so frazzled by life at the moment that I just don’t have the willpower to be nice.

And it sucks.

Here is too a new month and hopefully better times. I am praying it will be so.

Hug a pony my friends.

The eve of vacation

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Twas the day before vacation

And all through the store

People were crazy

There was nothing to bore

The phone was a’ringing

People screaming aloud

Wanting their toys

All boastful and proud!

When along came a customer

Who raised such a clatter

I had ran across the store

to see what was the matter

“Why didn’t you hold it?”

He said with a cry

“I told you you idiot

I hope you just die!”

The item in question

was no where to be found

The man snorted and yelled

and stomped on the ground

He left with a huff

and left me a mess

I looked at the clock

and saw with distress

I was late for a meeting

with my boss and his too

and the big boss above

what was I to do

I raced and I sped

 My pedal to floor

I needed to help

My neighboring store

I arrived just in time

And the visit went well

Both my peers

Did really swell!

I then rushed across town

An manager await

An interview for his guy

Who was waiting his fate

In my speed did I find

A horror did appear

The belt on my van

Was no longer here!

The shreds of the belt

I could see on the road

What more could happen

What terrors abode

Through toil and tear

And the help of a friend

My van did repair

Would this day just end!?

Then did I go

To the first good news this day

The cards made for business

And look what they say!!!

image

And this story does close

This horrific day ends

I am doing much better

HUG A PONY MY FRIENDS!!!

PS I will see you all at AKON!!!!!

Almost falling.

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I am weary. My legs and arms are beat. My body is trying to rebel against me. The weight of the world is on my shoulders and I am slipping. Almost every aspect of my life is inducing stress on me at this moment.

I have been trying to post positive things. Talking positive leads to thinking positive, or so i have been told. I have kept a good face up for a lot of people. I have responsibilities to my family, friends, and employees.

I am just so exhausted of keeping it up.

I am tired of being called out for what i believe in. I have said before that I believe what I believe. I have never forced anyone else to believe it, and I stand firm in what I believe in. Getting called out or grouped together with being labeled as something because of my belief is tiresome. I am a Christian. That does not mean I hate people. I believe that we are called to love everyone. Stop calling me a racist, homophobic, think “I” am better than everyone else.

Enough.

You don’t know me.

This blog is me.

Hug a pony my friend

Down from on high.

/ Codefreak / 1 Comment

So I recently had a store visit from a regional VP (my boss’s boss). I had some time to prep and get ready for this meeting. We cleaned, brushed up on policy, and did our general all around “lets get ready for vistors” routine.

Boy was I not prepared.

So, I like to think that I am not a dumb person. I have been tested (“My mother had me tested”) and I have performed very well in high school and college. I do well with numbers and can adapt well to almost all situations.

This was not enough.

So, the visit started off well with my boss showing me off, being a great store in most of the areas, and showing my skills. The VP seemed happy with the results. We then went into the backroom and looked at the numbers. P&L and other business acumen that I have a little knowledge on but not too much. That was about to change.

A lot.

I had my areas where I thought I could improve on and the VP asked why I had those areas. I gave my explanation and he said “Let us look at this differently.” He then proceeded to do more math than a college algebra teacher. For the next hour and thirty minutes I was shown my opportunities and strengths in ways I never even saw. I am good at math but he was GOOD at math. He made me feel dumb.

I don’t do well with that.

Now, it was never his intention to make me feel dumb but I had trouble following him. He would stop, back up and go over it slower. I would finally get it and he would drill me on it until I could teach him. It has been a long time since I have gotten schooled on things, but boy did I.

The rest of the visit is still in a fog as I was scrabbling to keep up. We did the usual, change this move that, though this time it had more purpose. I slipped up a few times with my words and managed to forget how to spell something and had to look it up with him watching me. I don’t get intimidated much anymore but my cages were rattled. Both he and my manager left and my brain turned to mush.

I have since recovered enough to post but I am still sorting it all out. Its been a week and I am still rebuilding.

There was a pony to hug. And I needed it.