Emotional

Staying Upbeat

/ Codefreak / 1 Comment

I have taken a few days to wait and see how things have come along. I have been hoping to see cool things come out of my vBlog and I have been more than happy with the results. There have been trolls and criticism but nonetheless, I feel proud of everything.

2016 is going to be a positive change. I am going to push myself to make it a great year. I will not give in to the fear or sadness that so often tries consume me.

I have gotten a notebook to keep with me at all times, to write down ideas and to keep track of things going on around me. Again, always trying to keep the creative juices flowing. Its been helpful writing things down to keep them from fading or forgetting. I have enjoyed writing this past year and a half on here and it has brought back some of the artistic side of myself I have not seen in a long time.

I have been reading online about how when we have depression from a younger age, we don’t necessarily develop a personality. Not being able to identify or relate to anything makes it to were we cannot know who we really are. Its crazy, but I have seen myself enjoy things I have not in years. I see myself gaining new opinions and I just cannot believe it is from me. I feel I have stolen so many opinions and feelings from others because I could not form many of them myself. I see myself truly believing in what I think. I am standing up for myself.

I know 2016 has had a rough start with a lot of celebrity deaths and other craziness. I know that I will have rough times. All I can say is stand strong. I hope my encouragement will help you as it has helped me.

 

Hug a pony my friends.

 

Youtube Debut!!

/ Codefreak / 2 Comments

Yes. Finally.

I did it.

I have the video up. I am happy that its up.

I will save my faults that I noticed for another day.

So here is the link!

The links I spoke of are here:

Depression research and links.

Grounding yourself.
Music
PinkiePieSwear – Flutterwonder

 

 

 

 

 

Finding joy.

/ Codefreak / 1 Comment

I know I m an odd duck. I tend to run against the grain. I like a show about ponies, I dress like a furry, I make friends of all races and backgrounds. I enjoy helping people to the point of giving away anything I have if they need it. I will put myself in the line of suffering if it means lessening that of others. I will hurt myself to help someone else. I am not that eloquent a speaker (except with enough preparedness, at least that is what I am told). I feel my writing is good. I like to hold my plushie when I am sad. So why am I saying all this?

I am trying to ground myself.

I am trying to give myself a place at which I can write, from so I can clear some junk out of my soul.

Cause people are upset with me.

I have several people upset with me. I spoke my heart and they got upset. They took what I said and sharpened the points and threw the words back like a spear.

It always hurts when it comes from someone who is close to you. All of mine came from close people.

It is the new year and I have been asked how long I am going to keep up my “charades”? I must be doing this for the shock factor. My life cannot be like this. Why am I so childish? Why don’t I grow up?

Oh to be in London now the ” haters” are here.

Is it true that you don’t “make it” unless you have hate mail?

I will admit, I have not been a strong person in this area. I am not one that can easily roll things off my back. Part of me caring so much is I get to personally involved. It is easy to get to me.

I happen to think it is one of the reasons I am so lovable, but that’s just me.

I have been under attack for what I like and believe in. I understand that people wont understand everything about me. If people did, then I am just a yes man.

I am just here to say, I am determined to find Joy this year. I was told that happiness is in the moment and that, with my personality, I tend to look toward the time when happiness ends. Joy is something you have to look for and find. It last longer and keeps you going. It is a driving force instead of being in moment. It is ALL the moments because you look for it in each moment.

Now I know that my Joy comes from my faith. I have never been pushy about it, but it is something that I celebrate when it comes time. I give thanks to my God for my Joy.

And I find Joy in my ponies, plushies, and nice furry ears and tail.

Hug a pony my friends.

One days fall.

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I wish I had better news. I have had a day that lasted an eternity. I was caught today in such a bind that I was in a chair for 2 hours not moving or speaking.

I just shut down.

I hadn’t done that in a year. I managed to get out of the chair, crawl to the bed and curl up in a blanket and Fluttershy and just be. I shut my brain down and I just could not handle anything else.

A reset.

I hope.

PS This time, I am not doing better. I am still trying to recover from yet another friend (one of my closest) dropping a bomb on me.How much can one man take? I know my limits and I am beyond them. How much more is there to go?

200 Posts!

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I have noticed a new milestone for me. I have hit that magical number of 200 posts. I want to thank anyone who got me this far. I never thought I would have hit this mark.

I hope I have help some poeple the way this blog has helped me. I started this with the mission of self help and a way of tracking it. It has evolved to more but that still remains the heart of it all.

This blog is for me.

But, it seems, it is now for you as well.

I have been read in 26 countries now. This boggles my mind. I want to thank everyone who has opened (maybe even by accident) this blog. I have been searched on the Googles 85 times. Over 4000 views from when I start this a little over a year ago. Over 2000 different visitors.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

That is a lot of people hugging ponies!

Slice of peace.

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This has been a very bad week for me. I have been trying very hard to post more positive things on my blog to make myself think more positive but life likes to throw us some curve balls.

This week was supposed to be a week of rest from the 3 weeks of madness of back to back conventions and then the long trek to see family (over 24 hours in a car total). I was hoping for a relaxing time to ease my soul and spirit.

This was not the case.

I got hit with the depression that likes to attack when I take a moment of peace. I feel it knows the game plan of my life and likes to find those moments and just pounce. It dregs up the worse moments and throws them in the heart. It blind me from seeing anything positive and cripples the body. I hate when it comes calling.

I had a rough few weeks. While the time I had doing what I love and seeing family, I was also faced with a lot of sorrow. I had quite a few events happen that just rubbed raw or broke me from people I know.

It hurts the most when it comes from people around you.

Now keep in mind (as I have a lot of friends and family who read this) this is not made to accuse or anger anyone. This is me just opening my soul and pouring words to a page to get them out. Words become trapped in my mind like a cage and if I don’t free them they eat away at me like water wearing down a rock. I am not asking or looking for a response, I just need to get it out.

I have had people tear me down. People have lied to me and about me. Some to my face. I have given myself freely to helping those around me, both my time, effort and even my own belongings. I have put myself to be hurt the most.

And it happened.

Over and over.

I have People who wont talk to me. I have have People now who just talk over me. I have have had People lie and steal from me. I have had People throw me under the bus and back it over me. I have been put in more stressful situations than I care to count.

Over and over.

And it didn’t stop.

It felt like dominoes falling trying to break me. Just one right after another. It broke me and then kept piling on. I had bills come in from all sides. Hospitals are very expensive at times and I owe a lot of money. I have been hit with my wife getting a car accident (she is OK, thank God) and losing one of my vehicles. My other van is being held together with wire and duct tape at times and can’t pass inspection.

But it is all I have.

I have pushed down to the point of being squished to feel so tiny that this world would be better off without me.

Yes, even those thoughts came like a crashing wave.

If I could be treated so badly, why get up out of bed? Depression seeps your strength. Your body feels like it is caring more and more weight. For me, I stop eating. All I think about is going to bed.

It is not just trying to get rest. That is just part of it. It is just trying to get a break. Sleep is just a slice of peace. It is an escape. It is a time when you can finally have a moment, between when you are awake and you dream, when you can not have everything beat you down. You may hate the day and have nightmares torment your night, but in the middle of all that you have a moment, just one brief moment of just one small break from everything.

You treasure that. You look forward to that. It is the one thing that keeps you going through some days. “Just let me make it to my moment of peace before I sleep”

I lived that for the last few weeks. It has been hard. Even with my plushies to help me through, medications still coming, and a loving wife and kids, I still lived for that one slice of peace.

Freedom from everything.

And sometimes that is what you have to do to make it through the days.

Hug a pony for me and you, my friends. May yours bring you a slice of peace.

 

PS I wanted to add that I am doing better now. I know some of you, very sweetly, check up on me. I am doing better. Thank you all. 

Finale of MLP

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It has been an amazing season for My Little Pony. It has been a roller coaster of a emotion. I recap.

Seeing the Apple and the Pie families come together for the first time in full. The whole thing of two families coming together and the differences of celebrations of holidays and family traditions was informative. It was very inspiring to see.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders, who we have been watching for 5 years, got their cutie marks. They all got to share in an experience that they will share for the rest of their lives. I am not going to lie, I cried. It was something I was waiting for the whole show. seeing their tales (or tails BAH the puns!)  come to fruition. I was so Happy.

The 100th episode was AMAZING! The writers took all the fans ideas and thoughts and made them canon in the show. The hit all the high points, confirmed all the characters relationships, and even poured out the Dr Who references with a fire-hose.

The 2nd to last episode, “The Mane Attraction”, was a personal favorite. The music of this episode was bar none. Danny Ingram is fantastic writer of music and I love his work in all the other episodes but this one with Amy Rogers (being her last episode with MLP) was a new high. Amy was leaving to go work for Disney (which also show’s the caliber of the show and its people) and she wanted to leave on a high note.

And wow she did.

Seeing the Finale was, as always, the high point of the season. I will not try and spoil anything but the different takes of the universe was amazing, both for the show and the fandom. Seeing the creators follow up on the 100th episode fan pleasing was fantastic. We all celebrated in the recurrence of all characters coming back in a new role.

It has been an amazing season and I cannot wait for next year (and to re-watch them on Netflix). I love a show that is so lovable. My fandom is fantastic and there are many like it but this one is mine. My daughters and I have this connection for a lifetime.

What show gets your life going?

Hug a pony my friends.

Thanking the family

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I went home for Thanksgiving. I got to see my whole family for the first time in more than 3 years (and longer than that when were all together). I got to go home to a place that is beyond the boonies.

Let me explain.

Were my family lives is well beyond the country. When I say beyond, The closest Wal-mart is an hour away. In 4 directions. The closest McDonalds is over 20 minutes away. The nearest gas station is 15 minutes away

I am talking far out there.

It is a place of peace and quite. The wind blows and that is all you hear. There is no one for miles that can make enough noises for you to hear.

You can hear yourself think.

You go from a human doing and to a human being.

I got a chance to be at peace, with a pony.

Hug a pony my friends.

Panelling

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I am counting down to my panel. I will be speaking on the joys and downfalls of fandoms. I will be drawing from my 10 years of convention experience and all the fandoms I have been a part of in the past.

I consider myself a leading consultant in being teased in the fandoms I have been a part of. I have been through the years of being teased. In the 90’s it was Star Wars and the in depth detail I remembered. I started to wear a rubber dog nose to make people smile (my early adventures into being a furry) Lord of the Rings and the Shannara series followed those wonderful books. In the 2000’s I started in more fantasy series and started back into some animes I got into. 2010 started the full-time Furry and the My Little Pony.

Through all these times I was ridiculed and laughed at. I persevered through all the people who rode my back with the names that carried through the ages. I still bare the verbal scars.

I do hope to help others find things they love. I hope to share my hardships and to encourage those who might be feeling low.

In all this, I have to overcome my own fears and depression. I am nervous beyond all measure. I hope this will help resolve my own questions about my abilities.

Wish me luck.

Hug some ponies for me my friends.

PS I have added a donation button added to my home screen. It is set for 5 dollars. I hope that if anyone feels the need to help, I will use the money to promote this page more (and even go for a Pro account with a .com).