hard times

Free Flying

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 1 Comment

I have always dreamed of flying. I was flying back from Las Vegas and I happened to get a window seat. I have said before I have an overactive imagination. I enjoy seeing things from a birds eye view. Staring at the clouds from the top side just gives you a sense of awe. My heart skips a beat when seeing something that can’t be seen without the help of a wonder that is air flight. I find myself discouraged at the fact that most people can taking airplanes so casually. Sailing the air above the clouds and seeing the rays of sun well before they reach the ground. I looked out that airplane window and saw freedom.

A birds freedom.

And now we come up to a day that, for Americans, tends to bring sadness and grief. Rightly so, but I remember vividly the time and place when a nation hit her knees. I remember the times when people helped other people. It wasn’t a black lives thing or a white power. It was people.

People helping people.

Humans, being human.

I look back and think of some better times. If you have flown in the past 14 years you know that it is changed dramatically. I have seen the change in people and the change in attitudes. Now I try not to judge, hell I have changed more than a lot. I just wonder were our humanity has gone. In a day and age of being offended, I find myself more and more saddened by the state of everyone. This goes for everyone, not just Americans. I look at humanity and I get sad.

I know I am a romantic. I tend to get sad over the little things and get overwhelmed at the big things. People have often wondered why I let people walk over me. I get trampled upon and looked down upon. I act out for the benefit of others. I do what I can to show others how to be nice.

How to be human.

How to feel free again.

Flying through the air is exhilarating. The birds eye of things, showing you how small you really are. Cars look like ants, and you can’t even see people. You just see yourself.

Are you happy with you?

How free are you?

How human are you?

What have you done in the past few hours, days, weeks, for another person? It could be as simple as not yelling back at the customer who spent the past 15 minutes cursing you out. It could be that you provided a car so someone can get to a job. It could be just a smile to the right person.

It could just you being human.

Not a human doing.

A human being.

Hug a pony my friends. I love you all.

 

 

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My Fellow (wo)man

/ Daniel/Codefreak / Leave a comment

I love helping people. I have done so in my life as many times as I have been able. I will go out of my way to make someones day, if it is in my power to do so. Customer service has been part of my life. I have done quite a bit of counseling in my life as well. I have always felt I have done my part to help my fellow man.

or woman.

or Brony (especially this one)

Case in point. I had to run to the bank the other day and take a deposit for my store. On my way back I stopped to get some water for my guys (we do not have a water fountain or anything at the store so I buy some bottles so we don’t go thirsty). On my way to the car, I found myself stopped by a gentleman in another car who pulled right up next to me. The man started to talk to me but was having trouble getting words out. He kept stopping and putting his hand to his mouth like he had bitten a rotten apple.

Nice way to try and talk to a stranger.

He finally calmed down enough to tell me that he was a hydraulic engineer and he was on his way home from work in town A (an hour south of me) and was going another 30 minutes to town B (30 minutes north of me). He had left for work that morning and he had left his wallet at home. He was almost on E and just needed some help getting home.

Now, I had to stop myself because I am not a fan of panhandlers. Where I live it can be a serious problem. I have 2 uncles who have lived the transient life style and I know quite a few do so by choice. Before you start bombarding me with messages about homelessness and the problems, let me tell you I agree that this is a serious problem and should be addressed. Just, not by panhandling. But this guy pulled up in an Acura Legend. Not the kinda car (or anything) that a homeless person would drive.

So I listen carefully to his story and he is stuttering trying to tell me that anything I could do so he could get home would help. He offered me his hoody, his crossword puzzle book he had, anything he had in his car. He stopped at that point and choked back tears.

He was ashamed to ask.

I stopped him there and told him that I would give him all the cash I had (more than a dollar less than a hundred). He face lit up. He started muttering a thank you as he tried to get his hoody off when I stopped him. I told him to keep it on. No need to give me anything. He offered his crossword book and I said to keep that too. I told him to just pass it on to someone else. He thanked me profusely and drove off.

Now, this is not a story of kindness, as much as I would like it to be. This is a story of a society that has come to a point that people have forgotten the random acts of kindness. The self-centered nature that has become embedded in us is separating us. Sure we hear of the news of a Starbucks who did a “pass-it-forward”. But seriously, what good is that?

“I paid for the coffee that I would have purchased anyway to give it to someone behind me”

You want kindness? You have to give it.

I only hope I can give enough.

Hug a pony my friends.

It is always darkest….

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 1 Comment

I hit a rock bottom for me today. This was a low of a low today. Dark could not begin to describe my mood or my whole day.

Today started with me still in pain from not getting my medication due to the pharmacy issues. Me, being foolish, decided not to take my dose before going to bed and woke up in serious pain. I had slept horribly.

Not a great way to start the day.

I had not been in pain like this for weeks, since I started the new meds. I had forgotten how bad it was and I was reminded in the worse way possible. I realize now how bad it was and is and can be.

But I wasn’t the one hurting.

My wife has had a few car accidents in the past. Her family also has a history of spine and neck problems. There are days that it acts up. There are bad nights were she sleeps on it wrong. This was one of the dark days were it was bad. She woke up crying from the pain. She had been up most of the night. The pain was so bad, she had thrown up a few times. Any medication, food, even water she could not keep down. It was a bad moment.

I don’t do well with family being in pain. I can help others and deal with other people, but the moment it is my immediate family, it becomes different. I was not able to help her in this. I still had work and asked her if she wanted me to stay home. She told me no, that she would handle it. I got ready for work and on the way out told my daughters to behave and be good for mama.

I went to work feeling horrible and proceeded to have the same result there. Massive amounts of returns (almost half of that days sales to be exact) the same rude customers and more. I tried to pick myself up, the meds started kicking in, and I was struggling to deal with everything. My wife called me later that evening. She informed me that she had to get out of bed because my girls were tearing up the house, screaming, fighting, and becoming uncontrollable. She asked me to talk to my oldest daughter and calm her down.

I sighed and stepped into my backroom and proceeded to try and calm my daughter down. She is uncontrollable at times and this was one of those times. I have what is called their “getalong shirt” were I make them fit into one of my shirts with arm holes cut out and they have to do everything together.

They hate it, but it teaches them (hopefully) to get along.

She would not listen to me. I tried to talk but she kept interrupting me and would not let me talk. I snapped and told her I would be home in 5 min (I live very close to my store) and that she and her sister was in the biggest trouble they could imagine. I hung up on her, clocked out for lunch at work and drove home.

What awaited me at home was rock bottom.

I came home to a locked door that I could not open. I banged on the door when the key only unlocked the one lock. My oldest answered with the nervous scared look on her face. I told her to go to her room and I would be in there in a moment. I looked around to a disaster of a house and went to check on my wife. She had thrown up again and still couldn’t keep things down and she could not help with the girls. I came out and could not find my youngest daughter. I turned to my oldest and asked where she was. She told me she had told her sister to hid.

I was confused.

Why did you tell her to hide? Where is she? What is going on?

My daughter told me that when I had hung up, she had told her sister to hid so she wouldn’t get in trouble and that way I couldn’t hurt her.

I was dumbfounded and hurt.

Let me be clear, I have never hit, punched, kicked, or maliciously hurt my children in ANY way. There has never been a moment in anger where I have deliberately hurt them. There was no justification that I could think of that would provoke this thought.

I asked her to go get her sister and called them both in the living room. I had one of the hardest conversations in my life. I asked why they thought I would hit them. They told me that they had heard it. I asked where from and they couldn’t tell me. I told them in very clear words that I would never do that. I would protect them and that I loved them and that they could always come to me. I told them that it hurt my feelings that they would think that.

This was a new concept for them. Hurt daddy’s feelings? We talked about that and what would happen as punishment. I took away the TV privileges, the few video games and anything electronic. This was two-fold as I believe even the shows I allowed them to watch and kept an eye on what they were watching, was teaching them bad things. I asked them to get along for mommy’s sake. We spent a few moments crying and talking through things.

I then had to go back to work as I was late getting back. I left them instructions, and checked on the wife and went back to work. The pain that I had been avoiding all day decided to hit me once again, reminding me that, yes it was still there. I finished the day and could not wait to get off.

It was a terrible day.

I needed my pony.

I have a follow up to this post coming soon, I ask that you hold any questions about how we are doing. I have taken a day or two to compose my thoughts on this so I am writing it after the fact.

Entrapment

/ Daniel/Codefreak / 1 Comment

I feel trapped. I am stuck in what feels to be a dead-end job that is sucking the life out of me. Being on vacation this past week has made me realize that I am dreading going back to work.

I hate that.

I like to enjoy my job. I would like to be able to work and leave work at work. I do not like being harassed about my job when I am out with my family.  There have been many times that I have been recognized in the local community of the place I work at. I then get asked questions about sales, items in stock, and more. Sure I could decline to tell them or just try to ignore them but what then? It comes back to haunt me when they see me next and say I was rude to them, even if it is off the clock.

So what happens then?

I get in trouble.

I also am bombarded with emails and text messages at home, all work related. I have to make calls and schedule people from home. Now many would say “that is a part of salary (I have been told it is earning my salary)” or “That is management”.

When is enough, enough?

How much can a person take?

I feel I am reaching that limit.

Hug a pony my friends.