It has not been a good week for me. Or few weeks. Or month. Or the past few months. I have had several people around me die very unexpectedly. I found out about another one today. A young man that I had help teach in our church’s youth group. He was getting ready to go to college. I dont even know how or what happened. All I know is someone else I know is gone. So much death in the past few weeks.

I call to everyone to take some time and hold close those around you. Take time to spend a few extra moments with them.

“My heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today.”

– Lapine Mourning for the Dead, Richard Adams, Watership Down

If you will excuse me, I need to go hug my family and spend some time with a stuffed plush pony.

Today was about getting my mind going again after all the pain and heartache I have been through here lately. Just pushing past all the depression has been tough. Today I had 2 employees that were new. Both had not had a chance to work at the store and this was the first opportunity I have had to work with them.

Let me just say this. I love to train people. I love showing them the inter-workings of a job and telling them the why of something not just the how. Seeing the light bulb go off in their heads is very satisfying. That being said, it is still stressful as hell. Work piles up, people get angry at how slow its taking, just generally stressful. I went home with a migraine but feeling very satisfied. Though going home makes it so I have to face the problems that I can’t fix.

Time to hug a pony.

So the wife and I had a weekend to ourselves, with the daughters staying with the grandparents.  The house was so quite. I had to shout for the girls to stay in bed to break up the noise. I was able to spend some quality time with the wifey. Not a big post today. Just relaxing.

So today was rough. I found an old friend passed away, someone who was much younger than me, Work was piling up with no end in sight. They cut our hours again. Just a bad going on. Then my boss came into my store.

He came by to drop something off. I made mention that I needed to talk to him about a few thing I disagreed about. He shook his head and told me he really wasn’t up to par today and he was just having a bad day. Now understand, when my boss comes in unhappy, that is a rarity. If he tells me he is having a bad day, That is a VERY bad thing. We spent a few moments talking about work. I made mention that we had several good things going on around the area and we were hot on performance. I gave him a few things that I needed to have done. Simple things but things he could control. By the time he left, he was smiling and seemed happy. After he left, I sent him a text and told him I was praying for him and that I hoped his day got better. He thanked me and said he would probably be better the next day and that he was just not feeling it today.

One of my greatest passions in life is helping people, in whatever way I can. I have been a shoulder to cry on, A wallet to those hungry, and a place to sleep for those who are tired. I have done my best to be my best for my fellow man (or woman). In doing so, it helps me with my depression. While a stuffed plush helps me through trouble times, I enjoy helping people even more.

Have you helped someone today?

I hate to say this, but death is becoming a common place thing for people around me it seems like. I just can’t get a break. Someone I knew when I was much younger passed away. I dont know how it happened. Someone much younger than me. I have lost quite a few childhood friends now. I know it will get much worse. It doesn’t get easier and probably never will. I pray to God it never does. As with all people I know, I have my way of saying goodbye.

“My heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today.”

– Lapine Mourning for the Dead, Richard Adams, Watership Down

Rest in peace dear friend. Be at peace.

I have seen a quite a change over the past few weeks. So much so, other people are taking notice. My wife and I had had a conversation the other day. She was shocked at the fact that I had been doing more housework, spending more time with her and the kids. The change was drastic enough that she was confused at the change. She said that in 8 years of marriage, she has never seen me this active.

We also had a talk about the stuffed pony.

She was concerned that I was replacing her, or that I would talk to the pony before her. She was feeling cut out. I explained that the only thing I do is hug the pony. The tactile feel of it calms me and lets my brain slow down and function. It helps me be able to talk with a focused mind.

It helped me communicate with her and get my thoughts out in a cohesive manner.

Now to be honest, I have a terrible time explaining what I am thinking. My mind works WAY faster than my mouth. I can be 3 steps ahead of someone in a conversation and not realize it. It is a great thing to have when playing something like chess. It is absolutely terrible when trying to explain something. Finding a way to help with that is a godsend.

All thanks to a stuffed yellow plush.

So, today I had my first stress headache. My wife didn’t sleep well last night and woke up with a headache. Starting the day out stressed out is never fun. Work hit hard and fast. I went in to a full store and only one other employee today. We were slammed all day, work was piling up, no end in sight. I stepped into the back only to find my pony was not in my bag.

I was heartbroken.

I left her at home. Tension headache was building, stress rising and I still had 4 hours left in the day. I am very fortunet that I have been doing so well with my depression and stress cause today would have put me on my back. It would take me a few days to recover from this. Today was stressful and hard but with the progress I have be making, I made it through.

And that makes everything awesome.

PS, I did just watch the Lego Movie and that stupid song is now stuck in my head. 

So one of the channels I follow on Youtube is ACRacebest. He is a wonderful fellow who has a great bunch of other Bronies and they make React videos. Let me explain a few things. 

So a Brony is a person (male or female) who watches the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Now what makes this person special is that they are not in the target audience. Usually late teens, 20 something year olds who really like the show. They make like for many different reasons such as, great animation, great song writing, fantastic voice acting, or interesting stories. It may seem weird, but there is a certain charm to the show that everyone sees. Bronies in and of themselves do really great things such as getting money for charities, providing a support group for one another, and generally do great things in the community. The tag line for most of them usually involves “Love and Tolerance” signifying that they accept everyone. Generally speaking a great group of people that I am happy to be a part of.

ACracebest is a pillar in the community, along with Saberspark, Blackgryphon, and more, who makes react videos to episodes of MLP:FiM. They are great commentaries on different aspects of the show that you may miss out on, subtle references that are easy to miss, or fun shenanigans reacting to what is going on in the show. He also runs a few videos on conventions he and others attend and show just how much fun you can have being a brony.

I have spent many a day watching his videos and it is always a pick me up. I ask anyone who is interested, or not interested but curious, to check him out. 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCyy9Wjxdx53VryZ1gCijz8w

Come see what it means to be a brony.

I had a terrible episode yesterday. I was yelled at several times at work, dehumanized, Demonized, and a few other “ized” i have never even thought of. I did not have my mini fluttershy with me, nor would I have had the time to go to her. There was many a dark moment and yes those wonderful thoughts of “life would be better if I wasn’t here.”

I hate that road.

However, I was about to leave work, get home see the family and spend a few moments snuggling a plushie. It doesn’t even phase my wife now. I just looked at her and said “I need a few moments.” She nodded and made sure my daughters didn’t interrupt me. I clutched at the plush and hugged with all my might. The pain and heartache and the bottomless pit would not go away. I felt shock and panic. It wasn’t working. I wasn’t feeling better.

I hugged tighter.

Still nothing.

I still hugged.

I spent a few minutes in my bedroom trying to make the pain stop and it wouldn’t. I came out defeated. My wife looked into my eyes. She didn’t say anything, just looked to see if I was OK. I looked away dejected and ashamed. I couldn’t fix it. We spent the rest of the night together as a family and I tried to cover up for my daughters. The angst slowly went away through the night and I finally fell asleep exhausted.

The next day, I was fine. I woke up feeling fine, like a new person. Now understand, when this usually happens I deal with a few days of fallout and depression. I have never not had that. My wife and I have tried almost everything to change it. This was a first. The relief I felt was amazing. Its not a perfect solution, but I am one step closer, thanks largely to my amazing wife, and a soft yellow plush.