Part of my problem is control. I must be in it. I must know what is going to happen, how its going to happen and I will fantasize over how it will happen, over and over and over again.

 

Let me back up.

 

In my depression, I hate to lose control over a situation. I like to know what is going to happen and how it will happen. Even if it is bad. If I know how the person is going to react or how a situation is going to play out, I am ok. But if I am wrong, I lose it.

 

I break down.

 

Case in point. I had a lovely evening with my wife, who just came back after not seeing her for 2 weeks. I got her away from the kids and surprised her with a babysitter and took her for a dinner and a movie. We ate dinner, caught up on each other after 2 weeks of just phone calls, had a few drinks. Everything going to plan for a wonderful evening. Then came the movie.

 

I picked out a movie I had seen and was raving about. My wife seemed equally excited about it. It was “my” type of movie and I had to go through my mind to make sure she would like it. “Cute, music, movie stuff?” -Yes “Are there things she wont get but will still enjoy?’ -Yes I went through my checklist in my mind. I had it planned down to the smallest detail in my mind. Where she would laugh at, what I needed to explain, how to introduce a scene.

 

Over a week ago.

 

Obsessive huh?

 

Let me explain something quickly, my wife is not an idiot, FAR from it. She has the most common sense of all the people I know. She grew up outside the country in Brazil. In college, before we dated, I spent quite a bit of time explaining a lot of pop culture references to her. She knew quite a few but I was able to fill in the gaps. I formed a faction of my mind to be mindful of what she would know. I cared for her and wanted her to be in the know on all the “inside” jokes. I hated being left out as a kid on conversations and being at a disadvantage, I have always felt that I needed to rescue her.

 

You can probably guess what happened. I obsessed over every moment. I watch her during the “moments” when she would laugh.

 

She didn’t.

 

At the end of the movie, I was crushed. How could I have been so wrong? What did I miss? I tore myself apart. My wife left with me happy to spend time with me, grateful that I set all of it up, and I was ruining the moment.

 

Because I couldn’t control her.

 

I went home fuming. Beating myself up. I took out my mini fluttershy and started rubbing her nose. Didn’t work. I finally got home. We relieved the babysitter and got the daughters ready for bed. We needed milk, so she went to the store to pick up a few things. I took this time to hold my big plushie. I took 30 seconds and calmed down. I reset my mind, and I started writing. This is the least amount of control I have. I write and let (or soon will let) other people read this. They will judge. They will criticize. I will not have any control over it.

 

And I will have to learn to let it go.

So had a bad experience today, I hit a new low. I was yelled and degraded. I was treated as a child. I was torn down as an person. I couldn’t defend myself. I wasn’t allowed. It hurts so much. I react badly to someone making something personal. I draw all that emotion in and try not to burst. Being treated like dirt, then told to eat it. Sometimes even a pony can’t help.

I am at an impasse. I am trying to decide to go public with this blog. Now I don’t have this set to private or anything but it is something that I have not posted to any web site or social media. It is here, if for nothing, for my own personal benefit.

 

However, I would like to go public. I feel if the word would get out there and spread, it would do so good in the world. I feel that giving people an outlet and show them a way to help them is a great thing. Unfortunately the cost is baring my soul, public ridicule, and the general backlash. Though I would have my ponies to help me.

 

I have had the chance to talk it over with the wife. She is a bit hesitant about the whole idea. She is still uncomfortable about the whole thing. She is supportive, but it is strange to her. I have no qualms against this, I myself recognize that it is a strange thing. I will not carry forward until we are both on board. 

My Family is home. All is well.

I am sitting in anticipation of my family’s return. I have not told my wife about this blog. I am a shy person by nature. I am a tiny bit scared to show her. I am usually not open with myself and this is as close to baring my soul as I can get.

 

I had a few customers today that caused me more than a few gray hairs. I was closing a store by myself, 4 people in line, 1 person with a big incoming order. In the midst of dashing around to help people, one customer who hadn’t been in the store more than 2 minutes, came over and asked me to recommend an item to them. I politely told them that I had a line of people waiting to check out and that I was already helping 2 other customers. The gentleman insisted that I stop helping those customers, because they were waiting in line already, and help him as he came to me and asked me. I refused again (while still running to grab another order, he was following me) and said that he could wait in  line or wait till I was done. He got upset and left.

 

I was extremely stressed out as this was just one person I had today. I had about 5 different customers that were acting fools or just were plain bad customers. This would have normally lead to an evening of shutting down, Melding my mind to a video game or my computer, while nursing a migraine. I have had a better time controlling my stress and my depression, so I plowed through the rest of my evening and when I closed I ran to the back room. I had my pocket pony that I take to work in my bag and went through my personal calming technique. It is wonderful to say that I was able to proceed with cleaning my house, doing laundry, and the general tasks that I needed to get done. I was able to function almost like a normal person. All due to my pocket pony.

 

I am so happy. I can’t wait to see how well this continues.

So I have quit smoking for over 6 years now, and have been off again, on again with dipping. It was a stress relief and helped calm my nerves. I know all too well the sigh of relief that comes from that first puff, that minty fresh taste that wakes you up in the morning. The cool mist that releases all the stress from that last customer, to the last draw before bedtime. I have worked almost full-time from the time I was 14 or 15. I have worked in almost every industry you can think. I worked as a Tractor salesman/farm help, Industrial plumbing, retail, food services, security, all but the medical field. I have worked in many a high stress job. I have backed off quite a bit in recent years from my indulgence but have never gotten a way to kick it. I would still come home with migraines and stress induced illnesses even with tobacco. Now I feel I can try something different. Stuffed ponies.

 

Yes stuffed ponies, like what is found in My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic. It is no hidden secret that in this blog my feelings on the matter. I have 2 that I use. I have a small Fluttershy that I can carry in my pocket. I have used her during stressful times running security at conventions. Just simply rubbing her nose and closing my eyes can calm me down. I have made it a kind of ritual. I cant remember how many times I saved myself from something rash by just taking a second and rubbing her nose.

 

The second one I use is a Large Fluttershy from build-a-bear. My wife and kids surprised me on my birthday and took me there to make her. It was one of the most touching things I have ever have happen in my life. It still beings me a smile, joy, and even tears to my eyes. Because of this, Large Fluttershy has a very special place in my heart. During this past 2 weeks, my family has been gone out of town. I have had to work and do security for a convention. Being alone is not the greatest thing for me. I have used both these stuffed ponies as tools to calm myself and to keep myself from drifting to too dark a place. I hope to continue to use these as a means to get rid of my tobacco habit. I hope it works.

 

 

My family wont be back for another 2 whole days. I have not been this alone in quite some time. Back in college, just arriving freshman, I remember the first night alone. I was in a room that was going to have 2 other roommates in it but they were gone at the time. I remember the cold bedposts, the chilled emptiness, the eerie quite. I cried myself to sleep that night. I was 450 miles away from home, in a place that I knew no one, trying to work to provide myself the ability to go to school. I had my faith, this being a religious college, but even at that moment I had nothing to grab onto.

 

I hit my second bout of depression in college. My first was during my high school years, some 2 years before that. I was passed back and forth to different mentors and teachers and scholars until I ended up at one of the Vice presidents of the college. I knew the song and dance by this time. Yes I was praying every night, no I hadn’t done anything to confess. In the end it was chalked up to freshman blues (I still have no idea what that means). I look back on it now and think of how different it might have been if I had only had a stuffed little pony to hold onto.

So much death everywhere. I lost a friend this month to cancer. Robin Williams passed. War in the middle east in Iraq. The Gaza strip erupting. So much death, destruction, and sadness.

 

I just sit here clutching my pony tight.

I just heard Robin Williams died. He made a lot of people laugh. The news story broke 26 minutes ago for me at the time of this writing. Some are saying its a possible suicide from depression.

 

That is heartbreaking to me.

 

I have been there. I have had the means. I had the plan. I have had the letter ready, the place and time set. It is only by the grace of God that I managed to escape that. Twice.

 

Depression is really. Heartbreak is real. Life is not easy. People really need to learn to live around OTHER people. People need to treat other people with respect. I know this will never happen, but we cannot ignore what SHOULD be done.

 

This lights a fire under me. The whole point of this blog is to show people its OK to like something different. Its here to show that there is an alternative to drugs and psychiatric sessions. Some as simple as a stuffed animal. I can already see the changes in me and I want to help others. THERE IS HELP. 

 

And it can start with one hug with a stuffed animal.

 

 

My condolences to the Williams family. I pray for you. May Robin find peace.

I had to perform surgery on my Big Fluttershy. The seam that was the main spot to fill her was coming undone. I broke out the needle and thread and started fixing her. It was slow and tedious work as it was behind her wings and on her neck. I didn’t have the right colour thread to match so I went with white. I was fortunate that it blended in almost perfectly. I dropped a few needles and spent a good 20 minutes searching the carpet for them, one I didn’t find until I sat on it! When the work was done and she was fixed, I spent a few minutes nuzzling her. Not only was the stress that had built up during the day leave me but the stress of fixing her went away. It was such a relief. 

I saw a picture online that reminded me of what we had to go through. I know that a plush cannot feel pain but it was still painful for me. I have been told I am a Carebear by many people, it’s a nickname that had been given to me at many a convention. I have a personality that is geared toward helping people. I will do everything in my power to help some one, anyone. 

I saw this picture and it spoke to me personally. Some may think its cute or funny and thats ok. I look at this and see how the nicest, best most caring people go through some of the hardest pain. Its difficult not to get discouraged and give up. Some of the best people are the ones that not only endure pain, have the scars on their bellys for it, and can show them in a way that brings joy and happiness to others.

I think of my Fluttershy and can barely see the scar. She makes me happy. Thats all that matters.